I said that I would not post anymore on my blog. I have decided that I will post some from time to time but will not post any personal things about my husband, that I loved so very much.

It been 18 months and 17 days since that tragic morning that changed my life in an instance! Life has not been the same at all.

As I posted in an earlier post, I lost my husband, our home, our dogs,  ( I was able to get one of my dogs back) and 90% of what we owned. I have very little left and I'm going to have to sell some other things soon.

It has been by the grace of God that I've gotten this far. I've been able to get my meds and gas in my Durango, but now....I have no idea where the money will come from.

I'm in the process of making things that I think people will buy such as baby headband's, preemie blankets and more.

My insurance is due this month for my Durango, but I just don't have the money. I cannot stand not being able to take myself where I need to go and have to depend on others. But I do know that somehow the Lord will provide.

I pray that at my hearing next month with a Judge, will grant me Widows Disability Social Security.  Lord help me if I get turned down.

Every day I ask, "Dale, how could you leave me in this position?" Even though he's not here to answer me back. I still cry for him, every day.

I've cried for my daughter and my grandchildren and all of my husbands family.  I still haven't been able to "let go." I know one day I will. 

I am tired of hearing the words, "pity party!" I hate those words. I also don't like being told that I have to move on. Well, if I wasn't moving on, I sure wouldn't be here writing on my blog to help get my feelings out. Have I let go? No, not really.

I have been blamed by several people for my husbands death! It's just not right! I didn't do this to my husband, I did not drive him to do this. This was HIS choice, not mine.

I hate the flashes that swarm my brain with the images of that tragic day, the pictures that I got from the police that they had taken. Even though I no longer have the pictures, they are branded deep within my brain. Sometimes, no matter where I'm at, I get tears in my eyes. I think the one thing that people don't realize, is that I'm constantly thinking of my husband....even when I'm talking to someone else about anything else but him.

I had everything I could have ever wanted, but I would have gave it all away, if I could just have my husband.  And I told him that the night before he left me. We were supposed to grow old together and now that won't happen.

I will always love him, but I hate what he did, not just to me, but to all who loved him.

Until next time...