Tomorrow will be 2 years and 4 months since I found my husband, hanging in his shop.  The images of that day never leave my brain! I've been branded! My heart has been torn, tattered, shattered to pieces, many times in my life. Every time it's been sewn back together again by God's love. But right now, I'm really mad at God for letting this happen to me, my grand kids and my daughter!!

I've been through so very much, since the day I was born. I used to ask, "Why me?" But then again, why not me? 

Yesterday, I had a problem with my bank statement. Needless to say I was in tears! I had a charge for something I never received and I was asked to fax my bank statement to them for proof.  I don't have a fax. I told the guy that and he told me to take my statement to the bank and have them fax it. My bank is in Conyers and I live in Columbus. I can't drive 2 hours for that!  I asked him for his boss's name. The guy actually said to me, "He doesn't have a last name." Well, that's when I could feel myself losing it! I said, "The man has a last name, do you think I was born yesterday?" Then he told me that he didn't know his last name.  So, I'm out $48.?? for something I never ordered nor did I receive. And why in the world would that guy tell me his boss has no last name?

I had another charge that I didn't make. An $81.?? pizza order!!! I called the pizza place and talked with 2 people and they both told me they couldn't find me in their computer. They also told me that their boss would call me, but the boss never did. But I will be calling them back!

I was so upset because I've been charged twice for something I didn't order nor did I receive any item.  Well, I lost it. Thank God I was here alone! There was my husbands cheap flash light on the table. I picked it up and threw it as hard as I could against the wall.  I literally feel to the floor on my knees, crying, asking God, why? Asking my husband, "Why did you leave me? Why did you do this to me? I asked God, "What do you want me to do?" I needed my husband here to help me.  I needed him the other day when I found "Ghost", my neighbor's dog dying in my front yard. I did what I could, only what I knew how to do. I checked her over, but I knew she was going to die. And she did. It's still really bothering me bad.  If I had of only reacted faster...

I didn't mean to lose it and throw the flash light, but I could just feel the hurt and anger building up inside me.

I've had to use a flash light at night so Piper, my little dog, can see. She is old and I've noticed that she's doing things that only old dog's do. I love her so much!!!  She's no pit bull but how do I know someone isn't watching her and will shoot her? I go out with her and watch her in my tiny back yard which is fenced in.

What do you do when you lose it like that? Is that normal for grieving?  Maybe it is, I'm really not sure.

I think of my husband every single day. I find myself at times turning around to tell him something, but he's not here.

I don't understand how others do it. They lose their loved one, but they go back to work.  If I was working at the time I lost my husband, I would have never been able to go back. But being disabled keeps you doing a lot of things.  I can do some things, but I will and I have lived in physical pain since I was born.

Some say my physical pain is caused from my grief. They are so wrong!  I've had physical problems since the day I was born. I have to say though, that by the grace of God, I'm still here.  Why, I have no idea...

I miss home, the city I lived in that is.  I lost my house when my husband decided he didn't want to live anymore. And he thought he was in pain?!! He has no idea what kind of pain I now live in because of him!  Sometimes I cannot believe that my only brother (only sibling) and the only husband I've ever had, both took their own life, just in a different way.  I have so many, "If only..."

I still have no life and I'm not  sure when I will. Someone told me recently that she thought I needed to find someone to love, someone to love me back. I don't know about that because I don't plan on getting married again for many years to come, if I live that long! But someday I hope to meet someone who can be my friend.

Until next time...