Tomorrow will be 2 years and 4 months since I found my husband, hanging in his shop.  The images of that day never leave my brain! I've been branded! My heart has been torn, tattered, shattered to pieces, many times in my life. Every time it's been sewn back together again by God's love. But right now, I'm really mad at God for letting this happen to me, my grand kids and my daughter!!

I've been through so very much, since the day I was born. I used to ask, "Why me?" But then again, why not me? 

Yesterday, I had a problem with my bank statement. Needless to say I was in tears! I had a charge for something I never received and I was asked to fax my bank statement to them for proof.  I don't have a fax. I told the guy that and he told me to take my statement to the bank and have them fax it. My bank is in Conyers and I live in Columbus. I can't drive 2 hours for that!  I asked him for his boss's name. The guy actually said to me, "He doesn't have a last name." Well, that's when I could feel myself losing it! I said, "The man has a last name, do you think I was born yesterday?" Then he told me that he didn't know his last name.  So, I'm out $48.?? for something I never ordered nor did I receive. And why in the world would that guy tell me his boss has no last name?

I had another charge that I didn't make. An $81.?? pizza order!!! I called the pizza place and talked with 2 people and they both told me they couldn't find me in their computer. They also told me that their boss would call me, but the boss never did. But I will be calling them back!

I was so upset because I've been charged twice for something I didn't order nor did I receive any item.  Well, I lost it. Thank God I was here alone! There was my husbands cheap flash light on the table. I picked it up and threw it as hard as I could against the wall.  I literally feel to the floor on my knees, crying, asking God, why? Asking my husband, "Why did you leave me? Why did you do this to me? I asked God, "What do you want me to do?" I needed my husband here to help me.  I needed him the other day when I found "Ghost", my neighbor's dog dying in my front yard. I did what I could, only what I knew how to do. I checked her over, but I knew she was going to die. And she did. It's still really bothering me bad.  If I had of only reacted faster...

I didn't mean to lose it and throw the flash light, but I could just feel the hurt and anger building up inside me.

I've had to use a flash light at night so Piper, my little dog, can see. She is old and I've noticed that she's doing things that only old dog's do. I love her so much!!!  She's no pit bull but how do I know someone isn't watching her and will shoot her? I go out with her and watch her in my tiny back yard which is fenced in.

What do you do when you lose it like that? Is that normal for grieving?  Maybe it is, I'm really not sure.

I think of my husband every single day. I find myself at times turning around to tell him something, but he's not here.

I don't understand how others do it. They lose their loved one, but they go back to work.  If I was working at the time I lost my husband, I would have never been able to go back. But being disabled keeps you doing a lot of things.  I can do some things, but I will and I have lived in physical pain since I was born.

Some say my physical pain is caused from my grief. They are so wrong!  I've had physical problems since the day I was born. I have to say though, that by the grace of God, I'm still here.  Why, I have no idea...

I miss home, the city I lived in that is.  I lost my house when my husband decided he didn't want to live anymore. And he thought he was in pain?!! He has no idea what kind of pain I now live in because of him!  Sometimes I cannot believe that my only brother (only sibling) and the only husband I've ever had, both took their own life, just in a different way.  I have so many, "If only..."

I still have no life and I'm not  sure when I will. Someone told me recently that she thought I needed to find someone to love, someone to love me back. I don't know about that because I don't plan on getting married again for many years to come, if I live that long! But someday I hope to meet someone who can be my friend.

Until next time...

I moved to a new city back in March of this year. I've not been happy since. It's very hard moving to a city you know nothing about. I moved here for one reason only, to be close to my daughter and grandsons. I had missed 2 years of their lives and I didn't want to miss anymore. One lady, I lived in her basement had told me that the kids couldn't come back because they were too loud. She raised 3 of her own.  Then the next person I lived with, only let me keep my grand kids once, I think it was. This time I was shocked to say the least because she is one of my grand kids other grandmother! How could you do that to your own grandchild!

My mistake was not driving down here to see the house my son-n-law found for me.  My daughter had taken lots of pictures for me  to see. I said OK, and with-in a week I was moved to Columbus.

The house itself is kind of cute, but I had no idea of all the problems this house has. It's a very old house but has had a lot of work done to it, but still, too many problems for me to have to deal with. I rather not go into details about the house.

Having said all that, I'm thankful because I have a roof over my head, cool air, heat, a bed to sleep in,  food to eat, and more.

I keep my youngest grandson during the week while my daughter works. But it's very hard to keep him with some of my medical problems. However, I do it anyway because I love my grand kids!

I've been unhappy here, so I called my Uncle Papa for some advice.  He lives in another state, far away.  He told me that every one gets unhappy here and there, but if your unhappy every day, then you need to move back home.  The hard part about that is trying to  tell my grandsons. I did talk with them about it a few weeks ago, but one got really mad and the other one cried.  That really tore me up!  So now, I'm at a loss as to what to do.

As far as my rent goes, I'm on a month to month lease, so that's good. 

This week was not a good week for me.  My neighbors dog was shot in the neck. Their dog's name was "Ghost." She was the sweetest Pit bull and she was only about a year old.  She was found close to my front porch. The mail man found her. She was still alive. It was pouring down rain that day.  Ghost died at the Vet's office about 10 minutes after we got her there.  If only I had of reacted faster. 

The entire time I was with that precious dog,  my husband was on my mind. I needed him here with me, but HE left me, HE left all of us!!!  I just wanted someone to hold me in their arms.  You might say that I'm really tired of finding dying dogs, having my own dog drop dead right in front of me, literally!  I'm tired of watching people die, right in front of me and finding them dead!  This isn't the first time either and it doesn't get easier.

I tried to reach out to a couple of friends, but I think I bothered them.  I feel really bad about that. Don't get me wrong, these people are really good people, I just think I've bothered them too much.

It's been 2 years and 4 months since I found my husband that tragic morning.  I've been riddled with guilt ever since I found my husband hanging. But that or anything else just doesn't seem to matter to most now. They don't want to hear it. I even had someone tell me to just let it go, and go on with my life, forget about it!!  Easy for her to say as she still has her husband!

Yes, I'm sad.... yes, I'm angry.... yes, I'm confused... yes, I'm lonely....yes, I'm all alone...yes, I feel guilty...but I keep telling myself, at least I have God!  While I've been living here, I have questioned my faith.  I really needed someone to talk to about it but no one was available.  I've noticed that people just don't want anything to do with someone like me. I didn't do this do myself, my husband did! I think people who have not been through something like this, truly do NOT understand! They can't even imagine, so they tend to back away. Dang, I'm not dead! I'm still living!

I've lost interest in things that I used to do on an every day basis.   But I know one day I'll get right back into things. I just want to be happy again! I hate being so alone!

This is what happens to someone when your loved one takes their own life. Please, do NOT take your own life. It does and will get better with-in time.  You have to have faith in God, even as little as a mustard seed.

Until next time....