It's been 2 1/2 years today since I found my husband, hanging in his shop. I am better, but I'm still so lost without him.

I miss the hugs he gave me. I miss him holding me in his arms. I miss having dinner with him every night.  I miss his laugh. I miss him calling me after his lunch every day. I miss cutting his hair for him. I cut his hair for 30 years.

When I sit in my living room, I'm all alone. He's not here sitting beside me. I miss his voice. I miss him kissing me when he came home from work.  I just miss every thing about him!

I still carry so much guilt inside. I just cannot seem to "move on" or "let go" of him.  In a way I've moved on, but I know I've not "let go." How can I just let go of someone I loved for 30 years and spent over half my life with?

I'm not a victim.  I'm a survivor as I've always said. But that's just it, I'm only surviving. I'm not living like I should be, just existing.

I put every thing off until the last minute. I've lost interest in every thing I once loved to do.

I don't want to wake up in the mornings. I just want to sleep. I can't do that during the week because I have my 3 year old grandson to keep.

My grand kids are what keeps me going and God too!

God has always been in my life. I still pray and always will. God is amazing too! He found me a place to live when I needed it. I don't know how, but He did. I lost our home that we bought 11 1/2 years ago, after he left. I had to sell most of every thing I had. I was able to keep some things.  I know that material things don't matter, but it's just those little special things that he got just for me that matters. Some of those things I don't have anymore. Some I do. I am grateful to God for what I do have.

After my dear husband left, I stayed with my daughter.  She and her family moved  to Columbus. I was facing either sleeping in my Durango or going to a shelter. Just the word "shelter" gives me chills. At the very last minute a very dear friend of mine let me stay at her house.  I wasn't there long when she had to move. There I was, facing it again and praying that I won't be homeless. And again at the last minute, He found me a place to live. I stayed in a basement of a friend of mine. I had my own bedroom, living room and bath room.

I lived there for a short while. Then I had to move again. I won't give details as to why I had to leave. And again, again, I was facing being homeless. And God found me a place to live right at the last moment. I stayed with her nearly a year. Then I got my Widows Disability Social Security and then I was able to move to Columbus, just so I could be close to my daughter and her family and my grandsons!

My son-n-law found a house for rent for me. I live very close to my daughter and her family now. It's so hard living alone. I hate it! But again, God put a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, food on the table. A place to keep warm when it's cold. A place to keep me cool when it's too hot outside.

If it wasn't for God and some of my friends, I really don't think that I'd be here right now. I do owe every thing to God!!!

I have at times doubted my faith. I just couldn't figure out why God would allow so many tragedies in one persons life!  But I know in my heart that God is watching over me. That is the ONLY way I have survived. 

God also made sure I had the money to get my meds. I have no idea how He did that but He did! I have a few dear friends to thank for that one too, and one friend of mine that I've known since I was 5 years old, helped me get my meds and helped me when my Durango needed work. I had to be able to drive.

I feel like I've put a zipper on my heart and zipped it up so no one can get in.  I don't mean to shut people out, I really don't, but I just do for some reason. At times I don't realize I'm doing that. I do know that I don't want to bring anyone down that I'm around because of my sadness and grief.

I've lost so many of my loved ones. It doesn't get easier and I think losing my husband has been the worst death I've had to deal with.

I still cry quite a bit.  Sometimes I cry out and say, "God, please bring him back to me." But I know that he will never come back.

I feel like I'm still young, although my body doesn't feel like it. LOL

I hope my husband is watching over me along with God. I pray that God will continue to lead me in the right path.

I really miss you, Dale. You were my life, my love. But I'll never completely know why you left me. I wonder if you really loved me at all.

RIP my dear, sweet Dale. I'll always love you and you will live in my heart forever!

Until next time.....

I don't think I've ever been so alone and so lonely in my life! I've been through a lot in my life, but losing my husband the way I did and finding him, has really taken a lot out of me.

I've moved on but I've not let go. It just hurts too bad. I still cry every day, but not as much I used too. Having my little dog, Piper with me does help. She is old, 13 years now, and she doesn't play anymore.

I've been on my own for 6 months now, but I've been with out my husband for just over 2 1/2 years.

There's always the question of why? Why did he do this to himself, to me, to our daughter and our grand kids? I understand some, but not all.

I've learned since my husband left this world that some men out there take advantage of widows. I don't understand that but it really tics me off!

I don't know if I will ever get married again in fear that the man might kill himself and I cannot go through that again. I've had 2 suicides in my family plus my husbands mother took her on life.

I'm tired of being sad and depressed and I'm tired of being lonely.

My daughter told me I need to get out there. I asked, "What do you want me to do, go bar hopping?"  She said go to church. I don't think I'll meet someone there either.

I'm getting better, but it's slow. I still have flash backs of that tragic day and from looking at the pictures, but I guess that will never go away until I do meet someone and fall in love again.

I miss and love him so very much! I can't help but wonder if he really loved me at all. Why would he do this if he did love me?

Until next time....