I've heard all about the could of, would of, should of, etc.,. But until the day I die I will always believe that if I had only gotten up when I woke up the first time, I may have been able to save him. I knew in my heart, my gut, that something wasn't right. But I just rolled over and went back to sleep.
When I woke up the second time, I felt the same. I knew in my heart and in my gut that something wasn't right. I was scared and the only thing I knew was to call my daughter.
When I opened the door to the shop, and found him hanging, I was shocked to say the least. Later I got the photos from the police. I couldn't help but wander if what I saw was really what I saw, and it wasn't.
I'll be riddled with guilt until the day that I die. One reason is because I didn't even try to get him down. Even after four years I ask myself, why didn't I try to get him down? Maybe if I had of tried, he'd still be here. Why didn't I get up when I first woke up, knowing in my heart that something wasn't right?
Maybe God will give me the answers one day.
I'm sorry if I have repeated anything in my blog. I suppose that's just something that happens when you grieve. I really wish he was here with me.
I also wish my brother was here with me. But he too committed suicide! He just did it a different way and I wasn't the one who found him. But I knew he was going to do it the very day he did. He had pushed me out of my life. The last year of his life, he would call me and we'd talk. We also talked online quite a bit. When we talked on the phone he constantly talked about the past and asked me so many questions. He knew what happened to me, but I guess he needed to be sure.
I was the only one he didn't go to and ask to borrow money. We could have loaned him some money, but instead, we paid for his funeral.
If there is anyone out there that is reading my blog, please know that suicide in NOT an answer for your problems. The people left behind hurt far more worse than you and they hurt for so much longer than you.
Your problems are only temporary. They are not permanent. But when things don't go the way you think they should in a certain amount of time, the person usually will give up. They aren't thinking about the ones they love and the ones who love them so much.
Because of my only sibling's suicide and the only husband I ever had, suicide, I live in pain every day and I pray that one day I can learn to let go.
If your even thinking of suicide, please don't do it. The pain for those who you leave behind, will live in pain for many years, even until the day they die. And the one who commits suicide, is out of their pain.
I believe that suicide is the most selfish act that anyone can commit.
Until next time...
