Time

They say time heals all wounds. I don't believe that and never will.  I've lost so many and I'll never forget any of them. There have been several that have been closest to my heart. My husband, my mother, my grandmother, my brother, my aunt.  All left this world much too soon.

I was at the Pharmacy the other day, picking up my medication and some how we got to talking and I told her what happened to my husband, his mother and my brother. I can't describe the look on her face, but she looked shocked to say the least. She said to me, "You are a strong person." I said, "That's what people tell me, but I don't see that I'm all that strong." 

Sunday I met an insurance agent for new insurance. I told him about my husband, his mother, my brother and a girl friend of mine and how they all took their own lives. He told me how strong I was to have been through all that I have. Of course he knew a lot of the illnesses that I have had  to live with since birth as well.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I have to be a strong person to have to have endured all that I have since birth. It's a lot more that just being sick since I was born. It's more than the suicides of my loved ones.  It's more than the losses of my loved ones that died at early ages. It's more than what I can put into words here.

I know that there are times when I think the Lord doesn't hear my prayers. But when I least expect it, the Lord answers a prayer!  It always amazes me what the Lord can do when you give it all to Him.

Christmas time is so bitter sweet for me. Last year I spent Christmas day alone. This year I will spend Christmas day alone too. I used to love Christmas time so much! I remember a time when I listened to Christmas songs during the summer. Now, I don't listen to much Christmas music and I have grown to not like Christmas at all.  I really hate being alone. But it is what it is.

The pain from suicide cannot be put down in words. I loved my husband so very much, still do, but I hate what he did and I hate the position he left me in. His family have nothing to do with, but they didn't have much to with us before he died anyway.

Time will never heal my pain. I pray that there will never be another suicide in my family again! I've heard suicide runs in families. I pray that isn't true.

October 2, 2015

Today is October 2, 2015.

I can't figure out if time is passing me by or I'm passing time.  It's been over 4 years and 4 months and I'm still having a very hard time trying to let go. I still think that "letting go" is the hardest part for me now.

I've been living on my own for over 2 1/2 years now. It's really hard to live alone, when your a woman. There are just some things I can't do. I have to have a man to do some things.  For instance, yesterday when I went out to check the mail, my mail box was literally inches from the ground. I saw my next door neighbor out and asked him if he could fix it. I've been trying to get my landlord to fix it for months but he just hasn't come over to fix a few things. My neighbor fixed my mail box for me and didn't charge me anything.  I now have a tall, sturdy mail box.

I miss my husband more than words can say. I can't remember the sound of his voice any more. I can't hear him laugh. I can still see his face though. And those horrible images will be seared in my mind forever. I still dream about him quite a bit, but not as much as I used too.

I have the entire bed to myself now and yet I still sleep on the same side as I always have.

I'm really happy when my grandsons come and spend the night. They are also a big help to me. I go to the grocery store and they carry the bags in the house for me. They help me around the house too. Their good kids!

The holidays are coming up. Before you know it, it will be Thanksgiving again. Then Christmas. I wish I could just disappear on the holidays. I still feel guilty trying to celebrate when he's not here to celebrate them with me. I do hope that this year I can spend it with my daughter and her family. It's supposed to be spent with family. But I don't know what their plans are yet. I've already invited them over and I still haven't gotten a yes or no. So right now I have no idea what I'll be doing.

Dale and I would cook together and had fun. He made great home made macaroni and cheese! He also made the best chili!

Today is about gone and tomorrow will be a new day.  I just hope it's a good one!

Grand parents day!

Yesterday was grand parents day, where my 4 grandsons go to the same school.  What a day it was! 

I was really dreading having to go, but I was also excited to go. I'm so glad I went.  There was someone missing that I love very much and that was granddaddy!  Once I got to the school and went in I waited for Marshall. He's in kindergarten. When I saw his face I  was so very happy!!  All my fears of Dale just went away. I so much wish he was still here. Marshall gave me the cutest card. It had a little handprint on it with a Hershey's kiss on the hand. Of course I kept it.

Then it was time for recess and he had to go. I give him a hug and a kiss and said good bye.

Then Leo found me and I went through the line again with him. It was so funny because I have 4 kids (all in the same school) Then my Brayden was there but he didn't want me to go in the line with him.

Hunter my oldest grandson saw me and we sat next to each other and I really enjoyed his friends too.

The teachers  just had to take my picture with every child! They took one of Leo and Brayden with me and we got photo bombed, twice! LOL   I didn't mind at all.  

I hate having to try and be grand mom and grand daddy too. It's not easy!  Marshall doesn't remember him but I show him pictures and tell the boys all about him. I don't want them to forget him.

This week has gone by fast. I was just happy that I could go see my grandsons and eat with them. The lunch room lady just laughed when she found out I had 4 grand's in the same school. She laughed and I laughed with her!

Over all it was a great day!

Until next time...

Still counting...

I still find myself counting the days, month's and years. It's now been 4 years, 4 months and 7 days, since I found my husband.

Many people think that those who take their own life are between the ages of 13-24!  That's not true.
My brother was only 41 when he took his life. My husband found his mother dead from suicide when he was 8 years old. The only husband that I ever had took his life when he was 51. I have a few friends that I lost to suicide.

There has to be a way to reach out and help those who are thinking of suicide.

It's been a long hard journey for me and it continues. When will my journey end?  I have no idea.

But I'm really sick of being alone and I'm so very lonely. 

I still have the could of, should of and would of.  Such as if I had only gotten up the first time I woke up, maybe I could have saved him.

To this day there are a few who blame me. My husband took his life. HE made that choice.

He'll live on in my heart forever!  I really miss him.

I wrote some lyrics and hoped to find someone to put music to them. So far, I've been ignored, told that I should think of something not so big and that my lyrics weren't lyrics at all, they are poems. But I don't believe that!  If I could just fine one person to help put music to my lyrics and someone sing my song, it may help someone out there.

I'm beginning to think that I have the "Impossible" dream.

The numerious amounts of suicide

Did you know that Suicide claimed 41,149 lives in 2013 in the US alone, with someone dying by suicide every 12.8 minutes, a suicide attempt is made every minute of every day, resulting in a nearly one million attempts made annually.  Suicide is a permanent fix for a temporary problem.

Some of the signs of suicide warning's are, if a person talks about suicide/killing themselves, havening no reason to live, being a burden to others, feeling trapped and unbearable pain.

A person's risk of suicide is greater if a behavior is new or has increased, especially if it's related to a painful event, loss, or change.

Increased use of alcohol or drugs, looking for a way to take their own life, acting recklessly, withdrawing from activities, isolating from family and friends, sleeping to much or too little, visiting or calling family and friends to say good-bye, giving away prized possessions and aggression.

A persons mood will change from depression, loss of interest, rage, irritability, humiliation and anxiety.

And there are the history facts. Family history of suicide, family history of mental health conditions, previous suicide attempt's and childhood abuse.

If I only knew all of this when my husband and brother took their lives, maybe I could have done something to help.

No matter what, I will for the rest of my life be riddled with guilt. I know it wasn't my fault, but some things just can't be understood by others until they've walked in my shoes. 

For the first time in 4 years, 2 months and 22 days, I went 2 days without crying.  Crying for that long really makes you age and takes a lot on your body and your soul.

The only thing that keeps me going, are my grandkids. When they're here, I'm happy and laughing, but when they leave, I'm so lonely and all alone.

I know some of you think I shouldn't be writing a blog at all, but I really don't care what anyone thinks anymore. You have a choice. You can except me for who I am, or not at all.  And do not ever tell my that you understand, because you don't! Unless you've walked in my shoes.

These past couple of weeks have been hard on me. I don't like it when someone tells me they are tired of hearing the same thing over and over and over and over!  I think that's just the wrong thing to say to someone who is still grieving. It really hurt my feelings too.

I've said this before, no two people grieve a like. Some can grieve and come to grips with it a lot sooner than others. But I've had so much death in my life, that it just gets harder.

When you lose someone from sickness, the grief is so much more different than losing someone to suicide. And I've lost two.

I know it's been 4 years, 2 months and 7 days since that tragic day when I found my dear husband of 29 + years hanging. I didn't even try to get him down. I have been riddled with guilt and I have cried every single day since I found him. I will always carry guilt until the day that I die.

I wrote a song about my sweet Dale. I've only let 3 people read the lyrics. I don't have music to it yet. I been told it was good and  unique.

I've written to John Lloyd Young, Erich Bergen, Colton Dixon (I think that's his name) and Ellen Degenerous. (Not sure if I spelled her last name right.)  I did hear back from the woman who runs John Lloyd Young's web page.  She says he reads it but doesn't write back. I'm not giving up!!

It's a song about Love and Suicide.

Please forgive me if I have repeated anything, but that's part of grieving, so I've been told.

There are a few who still blame me and I know who you are! Then there are those who say all the wrong things or just completely avoid me.

I don't know why God took my only sibling/brother and the only husband I ever had. I don't know why He took my mother when I was 11 and my grandmother when I was 15. The courts had just given her custody of me, but I never got to go live with her, she died.  I hope they are in Heaven and are watching over me, along with the rest of my family. I've so many.

Until next time....

Another bad day

The other day I wrote an email to a friend of mine. It was the day after my beloved brother's birthday. I had been crying off and on the entire day. The email was a little long. When my friend wrote me back, the last thing my friend wrote was, "Put your big girl panties on." When I saw that, I really broke down and cried so hard. Just those few words hurt me so bad.  I know my friend didn't deliberately hurt my feelings, it's just this friend is blind to those who grieve. It's like a stab in the heart!

Words can hurt so deep and sometimes you can never forget what others have said to you.
I know that some don't know what to say, so they say nothing and they stay away from you. I can't stand it when people ignore me because of my grief. Grief forces you to see those who don't really love you.

Grief found me at such an early age, beginning at 6 years old. Grief is torture.  Grief will never end, it's the price we pay for loving someone.

I'm a depressed widow without a character flaw, the creepy monster that lives within me is depression!

Never hold back the words you need to say, like I do. You never know when it's your loved ones last day.

I don't know why love brings so much misery and pain every day. There are so many tears that he can never wipe away

When something comes to my mind, I just jot it down in a journal I have. I hope to write a book about suicide. I've also written some lyrics for a song. I've never wrote a song before but one of my dreams is for the song to be sung by someone we all know. If it could help just one person to stop and not take their own life, it all would be worth it.

Until next time...

A Poem for my Brother, Michael

                                                                    MICHAEL

 

                                                     June 13, 1956-January 1, 1998

 

                                 In loving memory of my brother, David Michael Winchester

 

 

My brother died the other day,

He took his own life.

I don't understand, Lord,

The choice he made wasn't right.

 

I'll never see his blue eyes again,

I'll never see him cry.

I'll never hear his laughter,

I never got to say good-bye.

 

Until my life comes to an end,

Only then will I see him again.

He's now where he's never been,

At a resting place called God's Inn.

 

Someday I'll be with him again,

In Heaven and not on Earth.

He never got his troubles mended,

Because of all the suffering, pain, and hurt!

 

Copyright-1998

 

By Sherrydawn Winchester Wade

I should of, could of, would of, etc,.

I've heard all about the could of, would of, should of, etc.,.  But until the day I die I will always believe that if I had only gotten up when I woke up the first time, I may have been able to save him.  I knew in my heart, my gut, that something wasn't right. But I just rolled over and went back to sleep.

When I woke up the second time, I felt the same. I knew in my heart and in my gut that something wasn't right.   I was scared and the only thing I knew was to call my daughter.

When I opened the door to the shop, and found him hanging, I was shocked to say the least. Later I got the photos from the police. I couldn't help but wander if what I saw was really what I saw, and it wasn't.

I'll be riddled with guilt until the day that I die. One reason is because I didn't even try to get him down. Even after four years I ask myself, why didn't I try to get him down?  Maybe if I had of tried, he'd still be here. Why didn't I get up when I first woke up, knowing in my heart that something wasn't right?

Maybe God will give me the answers one day.

I'm sorry if I have repeated anything in my blog. I suppose that's just something that happens when you grieve. I really wish he was here with me.

I also wish my brother was here with me. But he too committed suicide! He just did it a different way and I wasn't the one who found him. But I knew he was going to do it the very day he did.  He had pushed me out of my life. The last year of his life, he would call me and we'd talk. We also talked online quite a bit. When we talked on the phone he constantly talked about the past and asked me so many questions.  He knew what happened to me, but I guess he needed to be sure.

I was the only one he didn't go to and ask to borrow money. We could have loaned him some money, but instead, we paid for his funeral.

If there is anyone out there that is reading my blog, please know that suicide in NOT an answer for your problems. The  people left behind hurt far more worse than you and they hurt for so much longer than you. 

Your problems are only temporary. They are not permanent. But when things don't go the way you think they should in a certain amount of time, the person usually will give up. They aren't thinking about the ones they love and the ones who love them so much. 

Because of my only sibling's suicide and the only husband I ever had, suicide, I live in pain every day and I pray that one day I can learn to let go. 

If your even thinking of suicide, please don't do it. The pain for those who you leave behind, will live in pain for many years, even until the day they die. And the one who commits suicide, is out of their pain.    

I believe that suicide is the most selfish act that anyone can commit. 

Until next time...             

Thoughts...

Today is Memorial Day weekend and I'm thinking of the members of my family that served, past and present.

My only two Uncles served in the Navy. My Uncle Lynn died from Aids in 1992, just a day after my daughter turned 8 years old.  I don't know how long he served. 

 My Uncle Papa is still living. He too served in the Navy. I don't know how long he served.

 My Dad, James Leroy Thompson, also served in the Navy and Naval Reserve for 12 years. He served in Vietnam patrolling rivers.  He worked in law enforcement as a deputy for the sheriff's offices in Newton and DeKalb counties and as an officer for the Porterdale Police Department.  He passed away on December 20, 2000, due to complications of diabetes.

I had a step father that served in the Air Force and Air Force reserves. He passed away at the age of 80.

I have friends that have children who have served and some are still serving our country.

I thank you all for fighting for this country!!

Until next time, with more thoughts...

Missing you today

Have you every loved someone so passionately, that when they're gone, you feel as if you can never let go?  I'm not sure that I can.  I loved him so very much.

I know he loved me in his own way, but I loved him more than life itself. I worshiped the ground he stood on. Why did he leave me? Why didn't he stay?

There isn't anything that I can do or say to bring him back to me.

Sometimes I feel like someone took a razor and cut my heart into so many pieces, like confetti. There's not enough thread in the world to mend it back.

I'll never be able to hold him in my arms again. I'll never be able to kiss his soft lips.  I'll never be able to hold his beautiful hands again. I'll never hear him laugh.

My heart aches with pain. My heart just breaks. Oh God, why did you let him do this?

We made a beautiful child together. You left her. She gave us 4 beautiful grand sons. You left them! You left me! You left everyone who loved you!

I don't know how to live without you. My life as it was with you, will never be the same again.  And right now, I really hate my life.

I really don't know how to live without you, but I'm trying. You never leave my mind, not ever.  The images of when I last saw you have been branded on my brain.

I miss you so much!

A wonderful day!

I didn't get much sleep last night. I had my 4 grandsons with me. My SIL was still in ICU and my daughter sounded so very tired over the phone. She stayed by his side and only left to go home to get a shower, change clothes and grab some clothes for the boys. She's like her father. As many times as I've been in the hospital, my husband stayed with me over night, most nights. He'd hold my hand with they put the IV's in. Once I had to have a main line and that hurts! I nearly broke his hand from holding on so tight. He had to have loved me a lot to stay so many times as he did. And I loved him for it.

My husband was a great man! But now that I've had 4 years to think about a lot of things, I think when he found his mother dead from suicide, at the age of 8 years old, it did something to him. He was the oldest of three. So there really is 3 suicides in my family. My daughter has it on both sides of her parents and that really hurts me. Her grandmother that she never got to meet, her uncle, that she  does remember and her daddy that she'll never forget.

Memories rained in my brain as I lay in bed tossing and turning, last night.  So many flash backs came to me. I didn't get to sleep until around 4:00 am.

I still dream of my husband and sometimes my brother.  The pain I feel over all the losses I've had in my life, are so painful, that there isn't any words to describe it.

Today is a happy day!!  My SIL was released from ICU and sent home. When they came to pick up the boys, I brought him a sprite zero and hugged him and told him that I loved him. We've had our differences, but when it comes to nearly losing your life, all the differences in the world just doesn't matter any more.  He makes my daughter happy and that's all that matter's to me. The love between my daughter and him, is like a love that I've never seen in them before, until now.
 
It's beautiful outside! I can still smell the fresh cut grass.

I have realized that my life is worth living. I have dreams, that I hope come true one day. Some of my dreams are to get my book of poetry that I wrote published. I want a song taken from this journal, written and sang by one of my most favorite singer's.  I want my piano tuned, but a new one would be great! But that will never happen. I want to learn how to play the guitar. I want to write a book about my life. My brother wanted that for me. He said I should do it. Even my Doctor said I should,  but I'm not a writer as you can see if you've read my entire blog. It needs to be edited. I want to learn sign language and learn to speak Spanish.  But these are just dreams that probably will never come true for me.  


I have loved music every since I can remember. I love all kinds of music, except for just a few. I used to put 5 CD's in the player, and sing in the microphone that was hooked up to my brother's amp. My husband would say, "Don't sing that song, sing this one." And he'd pick them out.  He said I can only sing certain songs. :) My daughter says the same thing. :-)

I love to read and have ever since I was a very small child. At bedtime, I don't ever remember my mother reading to me, I would lay in bed and read myself. I love reading to this day. I have finally been able to pick up a book and read now. I read my Bible, but I've not been able to read a book since my dear sweet husband left this world.

I never did get to move into the apartment. The stairs was too much for me and it reeked with the smell of cigarettes. Guess I'm not crazy after all! LOL I can't stand the smell. Makes me gag and sometimes sets off my Asthma.

I thank God and all my friends that prayed for my SIL today. It just wasn't his time.

Until next time...

Another New Day

Today is another new day! It's beautiful out today. The sun is shining upon us, the grass is green and there is a gentle breeze through the air.

My SIL is in ICU. My daughter brought him in just in time. He was in DKA. (Diabetic Ketoacidosis). DKA is very dangerous! It can kill you. He's going to make it. Thank God for that! It's a good thing she was there with him. We would have lost him if she wasn't.

I've realized that life is worth living!  I need to get back into the things I love to do, which is my art work, and playing my piano!  My piano needs tuning really bad! It sounds terrible right now.

My journey isn't over yet, but I know that I'm now getting better. I just have my bad days and my good days.

I'll never give up like my only brother and my only husband I ever had, did. I pray that I'll never loose another loved one by suicide.

The suicide of my husband was the greatest loss of all. I loved him more than words can say. I loved him more than all the stars in Heaven, more than all the waves of the ocean.

Until next time...

On April 21, 2015 was the 4 year anniversary death date of my husband. I miss him dearly and I still ask myself, why? Why didn't I get up when I first woke up? Why did he make a pot of coffee that morning and not drink any? Why didn't he leave me a note? Why didn't I try and get him down?  I'm riddled with guilt, but I do know that it was his decision. 

I often wander if I will ever love again. I will never marry again. I'm 99.9 % sure on that. Will I ever meet someone to love me for who I am? I don't know. Four years seems like a long time, but it's really not long at all.

April and December are the hardest months of the year for me. After the 21st of April I'm okay, sort of.  I've shed so many tears for that man, enough to fill up every ocean there is. 

There are times when I feel suicidal myself. But I know that would not be the right decision. As a friend of mine said, my grandchildren would miss me and be angry at me. Sam, (Sam's my dog) would be homeless and no one would find me for at least a week and by then the rats and mice would eat me! I just can't take my own life. I know how much I hurt and I can't do that to my grand kids or my daughter.  I just have to keep going.

I think that I'm fighting a battle inside me, trying not to 'let go.' That's the hardest part of all...

April 1, 2015

Today is the 1st of April, 2015. 

I now know all too well about deep depression. It's when you have lost all hope and can't see beyond the moment your in. You feel absolutely hopeless, as if there is no tomorrow.

My journey through grief has really been a hard one. I'm a diabetic and decided to stop my insulin. I knew it would eventually take me out of this world. I had hit rock bottom!

I confided in two of my dear friends. And together they helped me realized that things do get better.

I've been renting a house for 2 years and have tried and tried to tell my landlord that they have mice and rats living in the walls of their house. They told me that it was my responsibility. Pest control is one thing, but when they live in the walls of your house, now that's another. For 2 years I've been hearing them. I've seen a grown rat, a baby rat and two mice in the kitchen. And then they leave a trail of droppings. Did you know that when  mouse runs, it pees? I couldn't figure out what the smell was.  I kept telling my daughter that it smelled like pee in my kitchen. I always wipe down my counters with Clorox wipes. But I still smelled pee every time I'd go into my kitchen!  All I wanted to do was move, but I didn't have moving money. My two dear friends have helped me so that I can move. I call them and a couple other of my friends, Angels on Earth!

I went by myself, found an apartment and filled out an application. I just knew in my heart that I wouldn't be approved. I finally got a call and I was approved!!! I can't believe it, I had done something all by myself!

I know this will sound so very crazy, but crazy I'm not. My husband took his life nearly 4 years ago. Fours years on April 21, 2015. When I went too see the town home, as soon as the door was opened I smelled the smell of cigarettes. Then it went away completely. That's not the first time this has happened since my husband left this world. It hasn't happened but just a few times. Sounds strange, I know. I've heard other stories from other people who have lost their loved one. My husband smoked. He never did quit, never even tried.

If it wasn't for my dear friends, I honestly don't think I'd be here right now.

Just when you think there is no hope, I was lucky to have someone to lift me up. I thank God and I thank my friends! They know who they are!

I've climbed another step to get to the top of the mountain and I have to keep going. I have a daughter, grandchildren and my friends to keep me climbing that mountain!

A New Year

A new year....a new beginning....a new me.

I'm going to try hard to "let go" of my dear husband. It's been a long hard road to walk, since the day he left me. I still have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and depression.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. The tears are less than they were, but I still cry for him, just not every single day like I used to. 

I have my faith in the Lord that He will show me the way. He has carried me through all of this.

I have friends that helped me along the way. A few friends helped me by letting me live with them for a short while. Thanks to them and the good Lord, I was never homeless, which was one of my greatest fears. There is one very dear friend, that is close to my heart that helped me pay for my meds and other things that I needed. I will be forever grateful to her. I've known her since I was 5 years old.
I also have a dear online friend that wouldn't give up on me. She would talk to me and it took a while before some of what she was saying sunk in. I have a lot of online friends that helped me. I'm very blessed to have all of my "sister" friends!

I didn't realize how much it costs just to live. There is rent, utilities, food, gas for my Durango and the upkeep for it. And then there is my medicines. I'm on Medicare, but I pay way to much out of pocket expenses. Living on Widow's Disability Social Security isn't easy.

I've been thinking that I might take a painting class at Michael's. If not painting, I'd like to take a fun class of something. I have my sewing, crazy quilting and scrap booking to do. It's really been hard to get back into the things I love to do and used to do every single day.

I've been struggling about moving back home or staying here. If I move back home, I won't see my grand kids but about 3 or 4 times a year. If I stay here, I will get to see them every month. I love them so very much. They are what has kept me going. I'm happy when they are here with me.

I do need to find another house for rent instead of this one. It's not in good shape and my landlord refuses to fix some thing's and take care of some problems with this house. But I thank the Lord  that I have a roof over my head, my bed to sleep in, food to eat (most of the time) heat, air and my dog. His name is Sam.

My journey continues as I try to let go of my husband. He'll always be in my heart forever.

Suicide is a terrible thing and it's the most selfish act. I've lost two in my family to suicide. We just don't know what is in their mind when they take their own life. I know some of the reasons as to why my only sibling, my brother and my dear husband committed suicide. We all need to learn the signs. Sometimes they are very unseen, unheard and sometimes they will make a phone call to a family member and say, "I'm going to kill myself." And they go and kill themselves. 

It rips my heart to shreds, but I've realized that I'm not dead, I'm still alive! So this year, I'm going to try really hard to just get better and better.