I don't think I've ever been so alone and so lonely in my life! I've been through a lot in my life, but losing my husband the way I did and finding him, has really taken a lot out of me.

I've moved on but I've not let go. It just hurts too bad. I still cry every day, but not as much I used too. Having my little dog, Piper with me does help. She is old, 13 years now, and she doesn't play anymore.

I've been on my own for 6 months now, but I've been with out my husband for just over 2 1/2 years.

There's always the question of why? Why did he do this to himself, to me, to our daughter and our grand kids? I understand some, but not all.

I've learned since my husband left this world that some men out there take advantage of widows. I don't understand that but it really tics me off!

I don't know if I will ever get married again in fear that the man might kill himself and I cannot go through that again. I've had 2 suicides in my family plus my husbands mother took her on life.

I'm tired of being sad and depressed and I'm tired of being lonely.

My daughter told me I need to get out there. I asked, "What do you want me to do, go bar hopping?"  She said go to church. I don't think I'll meet someone there either.

I'm getting better, but it's slow. I still have flash backs of that tragic day and from looking at the pictures, but I guess that will never go away until I do meet someone and fall in love again.

I miss and love him so very much! I can't help but wonder if he really loved me at all. Why would he do this if he did love me?

Until next time....