The next morning when I woke up, I sinced something was wrong. I noticed that our bedroom door was closed. The only time that my husband closed our bedroom door was when he needed to fluff his clothes. I didn't hear the dryer running and I didn't hear the shower water running. I thought he was on the front porch having his coffee, just like he did every day. Even though I had a gut feeling something was wrong, I went back to sleep. I don't know what time it was. I didn't look at the clock.

I woke up again, still having this since of feeling that something was wrong. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth and got my robe on.  The bedroom door was still closed. I opened the bedroom door and I heard nothing. It was so very quite. I saw his shoes in the living room, right where he laid them every night.

That's when I got our cell phone and I called our daughter. I saw his wallet on the kitchen table. I just knew something was wrong, I just didn't know what. I asked my daughter if she had heard from her dad. She said, "no."  I told her that I saw where his shoes were, his wallet was on the kitchen table and she asked me, "Is the Durango there?"  I said, "Yes." By this time I was outside. He was no where in the house. He had made a pot of coffee when he got up, but he never drank a cup. My daughter asked me, "Is the 4-wheeler there?"  " I said yes". I decided the only other place to look was in his shop. 

The door to the shop was always closed unless he was outside doing things. I turned around and as soon as I turned the knob and realized it wasn't locked, there he was, hanging from the rafters in his shop.  I screamed so loud! I still had the phone in my hand but not up to my ear.  I just kept screaming and I started to run. Then I realized that I needed to get him down. But when I looked back at him, he was so still and pale. He was gone. There was nothing that I could do.  I did run in the house. I sat on the sofa and held the phone up to my ear.  My daughter had already hung up and called 911.

I thought I was going to pass out so I sat on the floor and kept putting my head down towards my knees. I called  911 and told the operator that I think my husband is dead. She said, "Why do you think he's dead?" I said, "Because I found him hanging in his shop."  She stayed on the phone with me until the police got there. It seemed like forever! I don't even remember if their sirens were on.

I kept saying that I was feeling like I was going to pass out so I kept putting my head towards my knees. I do remember telling the 911 operator that I want him back. I told her, "Why didn't he take me with him?" I just thought it was a bad dream.

A very nice police woman came in the front door. I hung up with the 911 operator. In came more police, detectives and paramedics. I know there were more police, detectives and the coroner outside. I just never saw them.

I thought it was a really bad dream and when I woke up, I'd be in my own bed. But when I opened my eyes, all these people were in our house. The detective asked me if we had been arguing. I said, "No." I said, "He was depressed because his business of 32 years was just gone and our house was in foreclosure."

They put me on a gurney and took me to the ER.  Several of his brothers and sister came to the hospital. Then someone brought our daughter. My heart ached for her. She had lost her daddy. I hugged her as she hugged me. It really seemed like a long hug. I told her I was so sorry. I had tried to help him, but he wouldn't listen to me.

The ER let me go several hours later. The doctor told the family members that were at the hospital with me, to not let me be alone that night. So my sweet daughter took me home with her.

I remember her telling 3 of our grandsons that granddaddy died today. He's in Heaven now. The two oldest cried. The younger one really didn't understand.  My heart just ached for them too. They all loved their granddaddy!
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My daughter's mother-n-law came to the house the next day. No one would let me be alone. I think they were all afraid that I would take my own life. I just may have, if I had of gone home. I was in such shock! I don't think I ate anything for 3 days.

My daughter, her husband, her in-laws, my husbands step brother and step sister were at the funeral home the next day making arrangements. I was in a daze to say the least.

I was sitting next to my daughter. The man at the Funeral Home gave me some papers but I didn't have my glasses. My daughter took the papers and signed them for me.  I thought that was very sweet of her.  I didn't get to pick out anything, but that's OK. As I said, I was in total shock!

As I was talking with the man at the Funeral Home, he had asked me if I wanted him buried or cremated. I began to talk. I said, "I'd rather bury him but he wanted to be cremated". As soon as the word "bury" came out of my mouth, my daughter dropped her hand on the table as if she slapped the table! She didn't let me finish speaking, but I did. I told them that my husband wanted to be cremated. So, I had him cremated.

The viewing was the day after my husband left us. Since he was being cremated, they didn't imbomb him. He just looked like he was sleeping.

When I got there, I saw so many people. I had a hard time going in the room my husband was in. But I did, I made it and I sat down in the chair next to him.

When everyone else left, my daughter's mother-n-law was still by my side. I asked my husbands sister to stay in the room with me. I had his sister on one side of me and my daughters mother-n-law on the other side of me. I leaned over and kissed him goodbye. I think I kissed him about 4 or 5 times. He was so cold. He hated to be cold.

For all of you who are reading my blog, do not think I'm feeling sorry for myself, I'm not! Do not feel sorry for me and please do not have pity for me. I'm writing this for a couple of reasons. One is because I was told by one of my counselors that it would be therapeutic. The other reason is that I hope someone, some where, will read this and just maybe, they will not take their own life.  Just
Several years later, his father got remarried to a woman who had 4 children. His father had 3 of his own. So now there were 7 children. They had a child together and that made 8! Eight is great! :)

There were a lot of wonderful times that we spent with his parents, brothers and sisters, on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Easter we'd hide eggs and watch the children find them. Once we all went to Florida for a week. That was a lot of fun too. Those were the good times. I remember that my husband, his father, a couple of his brothers and me went deep sea fishing. That was so much fun!

When you marry someone you love, you become one. We had our ups and downs, but we made it work. We always would check on each other. We loved each other.

The last 2 Christmas's we spent together, we were not able to give each other a gift. The 3rd to the last Christmas he gave me a small gift that I love and will keep it forever! The last Christmas we spent together, we had no gift for each other, but we did have was each other! I did wrap up my Great Granddaddy's magnifying glass and gave it to him. He wouldn't wear his reading glasses at work, but he loved the magnifying glass.

We received a letter from the bank one day. It said that our house would be auctioned off, on of all days, his birthday! We didn't know anything about foreclosure. We thought that it was going to be gone on that day, May 3, 2011.

I began packing things up. I had boxes in the living room and the library. After work and on the weekends we would go looking for a house to rent. One night we went to look at a house. It wasn't anything like ours. My husband and I both loved where we lived. It was like a cabin in the woods! He did not want to move. He tried many times talking with Bank of America for help, but they just kept putting us off. The house we saw that night wasn't what either of us wanted but we filled out the form anyway. I was taking pictures as we were outside. My husband was walking in front of me. I asked him to turn around and let me take his picture. He didn't turn around, so I took a picture of him from the back. I look at that picture now and you can tell just from looking at him from the back that he was a broken man. The agent told us that filing for bankruptcy was the best we could do. My husband had already filed, but it wasn't finished yet. He paid our attorney half. Later on I paid the rest. The agent said it will give us a new start and things would be better. The agent had looked at me and asked me if I was ok. I told him I was, but I was nervous about everything, so was my husband.

On the way home that night, I noticed that my husband was fixing to take a wrong turn. I said to him, "Where are you going?" He said, "I don't know." He said on the way home that he didn't know how we were going to make it. I tried to tell him that some how, some way, we would make it. I always told him that things could be a lot worse, even though they were bad as it was at that time. I told him that our child could die, one of our grandchildren could die.

That night when we got home, he fixed dinner. He loved pasta! We would get the pasta mixed with veggies or shrimp. That night we had pasta with shrimp. Little did I know that that would be his last meal.

I sat down right in front of him that night so I could see him eye to eye. My exact words were, "If God came down right now and asked me to choose between you or the house, everything in it and our dogs, I would choose you!" We can always find a home for the dogs, I said. I told him how much I loved him and that I couldn't live without him. I told him we needed each other to get through this. Then I sat on the sofa while he watched TV. I feel asleep. I woke up and as always, either him or I would say, "Are you ready to go to bed now?" We would get up together and go to bed. One thing that was funny about that, was when we would say, "Are you ready to go to bed?" the dogs jumped off the sofa and went into the bedroom.

I can still see him sitting in his chair that night. I had no idea what was to come next.
maybe they will realize just how painful it is for those left behind.

Taking your own life is the most selfish act anyone can do! It's the easy way out. The people that are left behind, those are the ones that hurt the most.