These past couple of weeks have been hard on me. I don't like it when someone tells me they are tired of hearing the same thing over and over and over and over!  I think that's just the wrong thing to say to someone who is still grieving. It really hurt my feelings too.

I've said this before, no two people grieve a like. Some can grieve and come to grips with it a lot sooner than others. But I've had so much death in my life, that it just gets harder.

When you lose someone from sickness, the grief is so much more different than losing someone to suicide. And I've lost two.

I know it's been 4 years, 2 months and 7 days since that tragic day when I found my dear husband of 29 + years hanging. I didn't even try to get him down. I have been riddled with guilt and I have cried every single day since I found him. I will always carry guilt until the day that I die.

I wrote a song about my sweet Dale. I've only let 3 people read the lyrics. I don't have music to it yet. I been told it was good and  unique.

I've written to John Lloyd Young, Erich Bergen, Colton Dixon (I think that's his name) and Ellen Degenerous. (Not sure if I spelled her last name right.)  I did hear back from the woman who runs John Lloyd Young's web page.  She says he reads it but doesn't write back. I'm not giving up!!

It's a song about Love and Suicide.

Please forgive me if I have repeated anything, but that's part of grieving, so I've been told.

There are a few who still blame me and I know who you are! Then there are those who say all the wrong things or just completely avoid me.

I don't know why God took my only sibling/brother and the only husband I ever had. I don't know why He took my mother when I was 11 and my grandmother when I was 15. The courts had just given her custody of me, but I never got to go live with her, she died.  I hope they are in Heaven and are watching over me, along with the rest of my family. I've so many.

Until next time....

Another bad day

The other day I wrote an email to a friend of mine. It was the day after my beloved brother's birthday. I had been crying off and on the entire day. The email was a little long. When my friend wrote me back, the last thing my friend wrote was, "Put your big girl panties on." When I saw that, I really broke down and cried so hard. Just those few words hurt me so bad.  I know my friend didn't deliberately hurt my feelings, it's just this friend is blind to those who grieve. It's like a stab in the heart!

Words can hurt so deep and sometimes you can never forget what others have said to you.
I know that some don't know what to say, so they say nothing and they stay away from you. I can't stand it when people ignore me because of my grief. Grief forces you to see those who don't really love you.

Grief found me at such an early age, beginning at 6 years old. Grief is torture.  Grief will never end, it's the price we pay for loving someone.

I'm a depressed widow without a character flaw, the creepy monster that lives within me is depression!

Never hold back the words you need to say, like I do. You never know when it's your loved ones last day.

I don't know why love brings so much misery and pain every day. There are so many tears that he can never wipe away

When something comes to my mind, I just jot it down in a journal I have. I hope to write a book about suicide. I've also written some lyrics for a song. I've never wrote a song before but one of my dreams is for the song to be sung by someone we all know. If it could help just one person to stop and not take their own life, it all would be worth it.

Until next time...

A Poem for my Brother, Michael

                                                                    MICHAEL

 

                                                     June 13, 1956-January 1, 1998

 

                                 In loving memory of my brother, David Michael Winchester

 

 

My brother died the other day,

He took his own life.

I don't understand, Lord,

The choice he made wasn't right.

 

I'll never see his blue eyes again,

I'll never see him cry.

I'll never hear his laughter,

I never got to say good-bye.

 

Until my life comes to an end,

Only then will I see him again.

He's now where he's never been,

At a resting place called God's Inn.

 

Someday I'll be with him again,

In Heaven and not on Earth.

He never got his troubles mended,

Because of all the suffering, pain, and hurt!

 

Copyright-1998

 

By Sherrydawn Winchester Wade

I should of, could of, would of, etc,.

I've heard all about the could of, would of, should of, etc.,.  But until the day I die I will always believe that if I had only gotten up when I woke up the first time, I may have been able to save him.  I knew in my heart, my gut, that something wasn't right. But I just rolled over and went back to sleep.

When I woke up the second time, I felt the same. I knew in my heart and in my gut that something wasn't right.   I was scared and the only thing I knew was to call my daughter.

When I opened the door to the shop, and found him hanging, I was shocked to say the least. Later I got the photos from the police. I couldn't help but wander if what I saw was really what I saw, and it wasn't.

I'll be riddled with guilt until the day that I die. One reason is because I didn't even try to get him down. Even after four years I ask myself, why didn't I try to get him down?  Maybe if I had of tried, he'd still be here. Why didn't I get up when I first woke up, knowing in my heart that something wasn't right?

Maybe God will give me the answers one day.

I'm sorry if I have repeated anything in my blog. I suppose that's just something that happens when you grieve. I really wish he was here with me.

I also wish my brother was here with me. But he too committed suicide! He just did it a different way and I wasn't the one who found him. But I knew he was going to do it the very day he did.  He had pushed me out of my life. The last year of his life, he would call me and we'd talk. We also talked online quite a bit. When we talked on the phone he constantly talked about the past and asked me so many questions.  He knew what happened to me, but I guess he needed to be sure.

I was the only one he didn't go to and ask to borrow money. We could have loaned him some money, but instead, we paid for his funeral.

If there is anyone out there that is reading my blog, please know that suicide in NOT an answer for your problems. The  people left behind hurt far more worse than you and they hurt for so much longer than you. 

Your problems are only temporary. They are not permanent. But when things don't go the way you think they should in a certain amount of time, the person usually will give up. They aren't thinking about the ones they love and the ones who love them so much. 

Because of my only sibling's suicide and the only husband I ever had, suicide, I live in pain every day and I pray that one day I can learn to let go. 

If your even thinking of suicide, please don't do it. The pain for those who you leave behind, will live in pain for many years, even until the day they die. And the one who commits suicide, is out of their pain.    

I believe that suicide is the most selfish act that anyone can commit. 

Until next time...