A New Year

A new year....a new beginning....a new me.

I'm going to try hard to "let go" of my dear husband. It's been a long hard road to walk, since the day he left me. I still have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and depression.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. The tears are less than they were, but I still cry for him, just not every single day like I used to. 

I have my faith in the Lord that He will show me the way. He has carried me through all of this.

I have friends that helped me along the way. A few friends helped me by letting me live with them for a short while. Thanks to them and the good Lord, I was never homeless, which was one of my greatest fears. There is one very dear friend, that is close to my heart that helped me pay for my meds and other things that I needed. I will be forever grateful to her. I've known her since I was 5 years old.
I also have a dear online friend that wouldn't give up on me. She would talk to me and it took a while before some of what she was saying sunk in. I have a lot of online friends that helped me. I'm very blessed to have all of my "sister" friends!

I didn't realize how much it costs just to live. There is rent, utilities, food, gas for my Durango and the upkeep for it. And then there is my medicines. I'm on Medicare, but I pay way to much out of pocket expenses. Living on Widow's Disability Social Security isn't easy.

I've been thinking that I might take a painting class at Michael's. If not painting, I'd like to take a fun class of something. I have my sewing, crazy quilting and scrap booking to do. It's really been hard to get back into the things I love to do and used to do every single day.

I've been struggling about moving back home or staying here. If I move back home, I won't see my grand kids but about 3 or 4 times a year. If I stay here, I will get to see them every month. I love them so very much. They are what has kept me going. I'm happy when they are here with me.

I do need to find another house for rent instead of this one. It's not in good shape and my landlord refuses to fix some thing's and take care of some problems with this house. But I thank the Lord  that I have a roof over my head, my bed to sleep in, food to eat (most of the time) heat, air and my dog. His name is Sam.

My journey continues as I try to let go of my husband. He'll always be in my heart forever.

Suicide is a terrible thing and it's the most selfish act. I've lost two in my family to suicide. We just don't know what is in their mind when they take their own life. I know some of the reasons as to why my only sibling, my brother and my dear husband committed suicide. We all need to learn the signs. Sometimes they are very unseen, unheard and sometimes they will make a phone call to a family member and say, "I'm going to kill myself." And they go and kill themselves. 

It rips my heart to shreds, but I've realized that I'm not dead, I'm still alive! So this year, I'm going to try really hard to just get better and better.