Every day this week, I've taken Marshall outside to eat lunch. We sit on the swing in the back yard. I've watched the pecan trees bloom out with beautiful green leaves and other trees too. I watched a mocking bird make a nest in one of the bushes next to the front porch, which is like a sun room. It's been beautiful! And the most precious gift of all, is that I've been able to keep my youngest grandson and I've seen my other grandsons every day! Thank you, Lord!

On the other hand, I've cried every day, gotten mad and threw my face in my pillow and screamed. The flash backs of my husband hanging just torments me.  I also remember the good times, the funny times and the sad time that we went through together.  He was so very happy when our daughter was born! She was a blessing from God to both of us and still is a blessing to me. She, with Gods help has blessed us with 4 grandsons. Yes, one is my step grandson and I don't get to see him much, but now I'll get to see him more.

My heart still aches for Dale. I still have unanswered questions that will never be answered. Why? I know some of the reasons, but his pride got in the way. Why couldn't he stay with us? I needed him and he needed me. Our daughter needed him, our grandsons needed him. They still ask me questions, but I cannot answer them. I just tell them he had an accident. I promised my daughter that I wouldn't tell them. She will tell them when the time is right.

I read an article just today about a teenage girl hanging herself after being sexually assaulted by 3 teen boys. It broke my heart and brought tears to my eyes.

There must be a way that we stop others from suicide!

I've been busy these past 2 months. I decided to move close to my daughter and my grandsons. I did get approved for Widows Disability Social Security. That was good news. The move down here itself was hard. What I thought would take about 2-3 hours took all day long. It also cost a lot more than I was told in the beginning.

I've been able to see my grandsons a LOT! I started keeping Marshall yesterday while his momma and daddy work. They can save money that way. I really enjoy him being here. He is so sweet. I love them all so very much!

I have so much left to unpack and I'm not even going to unpack everything. It's just box's of stuff, but I do need to find some things that I've not been able to find yet. It's hard to pick up the boxes that are on top of each other.

I haven't lived alone since I was 21 years old. At that time I had a full time job and lived alone. I hated living alone and I don't like it now either, but I'm so happy to be so close to my daughter, son-n-law and all my grandsons!

I don't sleep well except when the boys spend the night. The boys keep me busy and they are so sweet and so very helpful and loving!!

I still cry every day for my dear husband. It will be 2 years on the 21st of this month.  I dread that day so bad, but I'll have the kids with me so it will be better.  My daughter and son-n-law haven't had a honeymoon and will be married 4 years on the 18th.  If everything goes right, they will have their honeymoon next week and I'll have the boys!

I know that God is with me, but the grieving process is so long, for me anyway.

People get the wrong idea when you say you just want a male friend. I guess it's a man thing. Only God knows.

I still have moments when I just burst into tears. I can no longer keep any pictures of my husband out. I just look at them and cry. I had to put them up.

The other day I was in the grocery store, alone and I just happened to look up and saw a bag of Suddenly Salad and it was all I could do to hold back my tears. My husband loved that stuff! I just kept on going and telling myself do not cry, do not cry.

I still miss him so very much. Since I've moved down here, I won't be able to go to my grief meetings. I will really miss that. I will miss the new friends that I had made.

My heart is still so torn, so shredded, so battered from losing so many of my loved ones, but the 2 loved ones I lost from suicide has really taken me back.

Until I write again....