Sometimes I just have a hard time believing that all this is real. It's like I go through the emotions of life, like a robot.  It's kind of like a dream. I can't think straight. I can't always do things right.  I have a hard time concentrating on one thing, because all I see are the pictures that flash through my mind of the love of my life, hanging. 

There are so very many unanswered questions that I have and I'll never have the answer. I do know some of the reasons, but it wasn't right what he did, leaving me and all who loved him.

I carry a lot guilt but I'm not the one who did this, he did this to himself. For those of you out there who blame me, you are judging me,  and that isn't right. I know at some point in our lives we judge others. I think we are all guilty of that, but this is different.

The guilt I carry is a heavy burden on my heart, but for those who have told me they blame me, it's so much more heavier. I feel guilty because I didn't get up the first time I woke up and I felt in my heart and soul that something wasn't right. But I just thought about his daily routine, thinking he was outside on the porch,  having his morning coffee. When I did get up and I found him, I was in total shock and what I saw wasn't exactly what I really saw. I've been told by my doctor that my mind blocked certain things out. It wasn't until I got the pictures that the police took of that tragic morning did I realize what I saw wasn't what I thought I saw. It's hard to explain and I won't tell the details of the position he was in, but I will say that the police report said, he could have stopped it, IF HE wanted too. He obviously didn't want to. The worse thing about it, was that I was on the phone with our daughter.

This is the 2nd person that I've loved that I've lost to suicide. My heart aches with so much pain that it's just so hard to go on, but I keep on going but I really want to just give up, but I can't. In a way, I think I have given up, but I don't think I'll ever take my own life.

It's as if God has taken away everyone that I love in one way or another.

When I was 18 years old, I was in a pickle! A bad situation! I did try to kill myself. But I got scared and I called someone. This person came and got me and took me to the ER. I guess you could say that I owe this man, that I still talk to today, my life. I don't know if he reads my blog but he knows who he is and he's a good Christian man!

I try to concentrate on the good times. But it's hard. I did remember something that I thought was so sweet that my husband did one night. We were listening to music, and he reached out, took my hand as I stood up, he pulled me in his arms and we slowly danced. It was so sweet. I'll never forgot that night. That was the only time that we ever danced together. He said he couldn't dance, but he did that night. It made me so happy!

I remember all the summers he took me to the beach. We always had so much fun going to the beach. It always gave both of us such inner peace. He taught me how to body surf and man, that was so much fun!!

 I remember when our daughter was really little, probably 2 years old, she was in a little red bikini. She found a  little boy about her size, and they sat in the sand and played. His parents asked us if they could take some pictures of them together. Of course we said yes. They were so cute! I will have to admit, if I was to have a child now, I'd never put her in a bikini! 

My husband and I both loved the beach. We would stay on the beach most of the day. Then go out to eat at night. Then we would walk on the beach at dark. I love finding shells! I  have loved seashells since I was a little girl. He would help me find them and so would our daughter.  I don't have any of those shells now. But there is one big shell that he bought me, that I do have and I'll keep it forever. I hope I still have it. It's the one that you put to your ear and you can hear the ocean.  I've never been able to figure that one out.  What little I have left is packed up. But at least I'll have the memories and I have tons of pictures. I have boxes and boxes of photographs.

I can't write anymore, because of the tears.....