On April 21, 2015 was the 4 year anniversary death date of my husband. I miss him dearly and I still ask myself, why? Why didn't I get up when I first woke up? Why did he make a pot of coffee that morning and not drink any? Why didn't he leave me a note? Why didn't I try and get him down?  I'm riddled with guilt, but I do know that it was his decision. 

I often wander if I will ever love again. I will never marry again. I'm 99.9 % sure on that. Will I ever meet someone to love me for who I am? I don't know. Four years seems like a long time, but it's really not long at all.

April and December are the hardest months of the year for me. After the 21st of April I'm okay, sort of.  I've shed so many tears for that man, enough to fill up every ocean there is. 

There are times when I feel suicidal myself. But I know that would not be the right decision. As a friend of mine said, my grandchildren would miss me and be angry at me. Sam, (Sam's my dog) would be homeless and no one would find me for at least a week and by then the rats and mice would eat me! I just can't take my own life. I know how much I hurt and I can't do that to my grand kids or my daughter.  I just have to keep going.

I think that I'm fighting a battle inside me, trying not to 'let go.' That's the hardest part of all...

April 1, 2015

Today is the 1st of April, 2015. 

I now know all too well about deep depression. It's when you have lost all hope and can't see beyond the moment your in. You feel absolutely hopeless, as if there is no tomorrow.

My journey through grief has really been a hard one. I'm a diabetic and decided to stop my insulin. I knew it would eventually take me out of this world. I had hit rock bottom!

I confided in two of my dear friends. And together they helped me realized that things do get better.

I've been renting a house for 2 years and have tried and tried to tell my landlord that they have mice and rats living in the walls of their house. They told me that it was my responsibility. Pest control is one thing, but when they live in the walls of your house, now that's another. For 2 years I've been hearing them. I've seen a grown rat, a baby rat and two mice in the kitchen. And then they leave a trail of droppings. Did you know that when  mouse runs, it pees? I couldn't figure out what the smell was.  I kept telling my daughter that it smelled like pee in my kitchen. I always wipe down my counters with Clorox wipes. But I still smelled pee every time I'd go into my kitchen!  All I wanted to do was move, but I didn't have moving money. My two dear friends have helped me so that I can move. I call them and a couple other of my friends, Angels on Earth!

I went by myself, found an apartment and filled out an application. I just knew in my heart that I wouldn't be approved. I finally got a call and I was approved!!! I can't believe it, I had done something all by myself!

I know this will sound so very crazy, but crazy I'm not. My husband took his life nearly 4 years ago. Fours years on April 21, 2015. When I went too see the town home, as soon as the door was opened I smelled the smell of cigarettes. Then it went away completely. That's not the first time this has happened since my husband left this world. It hasn't happened but just a few times. Sounds strange, I know. I've heard other stories from other people who have lost their loved one. My husband smoked. He never did quit, never even tried.

If it wasn't for my dear friends, I honestly don't think I'd be here right now.

Just when you think there is no hope, I was lucky to have someone to lift me up. I thank God and I thank my friends! They know who they are!

I've climbed another step to get to the top of the mountain and I have to keep going. I have a daughter, grandchildren and my friends to keep me climbing that mountain!