On April 21, 2015 was the 4 year anniversary death date of my husband. I miss him dearly and I still ask myself, why? Why didn't I get up when I first woke up? Why did he make a pot of coffee that morning and not drink any? Why didn't he leave me a note? Why didn't I try and get him down?  I'm riddled with guilt, but I do know that it was his decision. 

I often wander if I will ever love again. I will never marry again. I'm 99.9 % sure on that. Will I ever meet someone to love me for who I am? I don't know. Four years seems like a long time, but it's really not long at all.

April and December are the hardest months of the year for me. After the 21st of April I'm okay, sort of.  I've shed so many tears for that man, enough to fill up every ocean there is. 

There are times when I feel suicidal myself. But I know that would not be the right decision. As a friend of mine said, my grandchildren would miss me and be angry at me. Sam, (Sam's my dog) would be homeless and no one would find me for at least a week and by then the rats and mice would eat me! I just can't take my own life. I know how much I hurt and I can't do that to my grand kids or my daughter.  I just have to keep going.

I think that I'm fighting a battle inside me, trying not to 'let go.' That's the hardest part of all...