19 Months

It's hard to believe that it's been 19 months today, since I lost my dear husband so tragically, so suddenly.  My life hasn't been the same and it never will be again. He was my soul mate, my rock..now he lives in my heart. I can't see him, except the flashes of that tragic day. They just flash like lighting,one picture after another, through my brain. I can't  hold him in my arms anymore. I can't kiss him anymore. I can't hear his voice anymore.  I can't see his beautiful eyes anymore.  So many times today, my eyes have filled with tears. Oh God, how I miss him! It's so hard learning to live without him. I still wake myself up, crying out loud for him, saying his name. I roll over in bed to hold him, and realize, oh... yeah...he's not here anymore. I have so many dreams about him. I don't know what they mean. In the dreams, I'm trying to reach him, but I can't. People say to me, you look good, you sound better, but behind my so called smile, I'm in so much pain.  Will it ever get better? Will the pain stop? I know that I shouldn't say this, but will I ever be loved again?  I have learned recently, that the few who blame me are judging me and only God can do that. I know it wasn't my fault what so ever at all. But I'll always feel so guilty because when I first woke up, I didn't get up. I don't know why I didn't get up......

For a very long time after my husband left me, I would at times catch myself laughing at something funny, then quickly stopped laughing, because he wasn't here to laugh with me. I can now laugh again, but there are times when I just stop laughing because he pops in my mind.

I used to love to sing. He would pick out a CD and say to me, sing this song. So I'd get the microphone and sing for him. It took me a long time before I could sing again. Now I have been writing a poem about my husband but I sing it. I don't have any of my music paper to write it down nor do I have my piano anymore.

For a while I wouldn't hardly eat anything, because he wasn't here to eat with me.  I'm eating a little better now but need to get back on my diabetic diet.

Today I was in the grocery store was going down the isle and saw the Folgers Coffee, Colombian. Tears filled my eyes because that was the kind of coffee he bought and made every morning. I rarely drink coffee now.

The morning of that tragic day, he make a pot of coffee but never fixed him a cup. I will always wonder why he made the coffee in the first place. Had he been planning his death? Or could it just been a sudden decision? I'll never know...

I have begun to move on, but letting go is the hardest thing to do.

Somethings I do, I just feel so guilty because he isn't here with me to share them with.

For anyone who is reading this, please do NOT take your own life. It IS the most selfish act a human can make. People take their own life because they don't know anyway out of their situation. Some take their on life because they feel like they just don't have a choice anymore. They cannot see beyond what's right in front of their face. The ones left behind are the ones that hurt the most.

Until next time...

I said that I would not post anymore on my blog. I have decided that I will post some from time to time but will not post any personal things about my husband, that I loved so very much.

It been 18 months and 17 days since that tragic morning that changed my life in an instance! Life has not been the same at all.

As I posted in an earlier post, I lost my husband, our home, our dogs,  ( I was able to get one of my dogs back) and 90% of what we owned. I have very little left and I'm going to have to sell some other things soon.

It has been by the grace of God that I've gotten this far. I've been able to get my meds and gas in my Durango, but now....I have no idea where the money will come from.

I'm in the process of making things that I think people will buy such as baby headband's, preemie blankets and more.

My insurance is due this month for my Durango, but I just don't have the money. I cannot stand not being able to take myself where I need to go and have to depend on others. But I do know that somehow the Lord will provide.

I pray that at my hearing next month with a Judge, will grant me Widows Disability Social Security.  Lord help me if I get turned down.

Every day I ask, "Dale, how could you leave me in this position?" Even though he's not here to answer me back. I still cry for him, every day.

I've cried for my daughter and my grandchildren and all of my husbands family.  I still haven't been able to "let go." I know one day I will. 

I am tired of hearing the words, "pity party!" I hate those words. I also don't like being told that I have to move on. Well, if I wasn't moving on, I sure wouldn't be here writing on my blog to help get my feelings out. Have I let go? No, not really.

I have been blamed by several people for my husbands death! It's just not right! I didn't do this to my husband, I did not drive him to do this. This was HIS choice, not mine.

I hate the flashes that swarm my brain with the images of that tragic day, the pictures that I got from the police that they had taken. Even though I no longer have the pictures, they are branded deep within my brain. Sometimes, no matter where I'm at, I get tears in my eyes. I think the one thing that people don't realize, is that I'm constantly thinking of my husband....even when I'm talking to someone else about anything else but him.

I had everything I could have ever wanted, but I would have gave it all away, if I could just have my husband.  And I told him that the night before he left me. We were supposed to grow old together and now that won't happen.

I will always love him, but I hate what he did, not just to me, but to all who loved him.

Until next time...