They say time heals all wounds. I don't believe that and never will. I've lost so many and I'll never forget any of them. There have been several that have been closest to my heart. My husband, my mother, my grandmother, my brother, my aunt. All left this world much too soon.
I was at the Pharmacy the other day, picking up my medication and some how we got to talking and I told her what happened to my husband, his mother and my brother. I can't describe the look on her face, but she looked shocked to say the least. She said to me, "You are a strong person." I said, "That's what people tell me, but I don't see that I'm all that strong."
Sunday I met an insurance agent for new insurance. I told him about my husband, his mother, my brother and a girl friend of mine and how they all took their own lives. He told me how strong I was to have been through all that I have. Of course he knew a lot of the illnesses that I have had to live with since birth as well.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that I have to be a strong person to have to have endured all that I have since birth. It's a lot more that just being sick since I was born. It's more than the suicides of my loved ones. It's more than the losses of my loved ones that died at early ages. It's more than what I can put into words here.
I know that there are times when I think the Lord doesn't hear my prayers. But when I least expect it, the Lord answers a prayer! It always amazes me what the Lord can do when you give it all to Him.
Christmas time is so bitter sweet for me. Last year I spent Christmas day alone. This year I will spend Christmas day alone too. I used to love Christmas time so much! I remember a time when I listened to Christmas songs during the summer. Now, I don't listen to much Christmas music and I have grown to not like Christmas at all. I really hate being alone. But it is what it is.
The pain from suicide cannot be put down in words. I loved my husband so very much, still do, but I hate what he did and I hate the position he left me in. His family have nothing to do with, but they didn't have much to with us before he died anyway.
Time will never heal my pain. I pray that there will never be another suicide in my family again! I've heard suicide runs in families. I pray that isn't true.
