It's that time of year, again.

I have so many things that I am thankful for. But it doesn't take the pain away from my losses. This      time of year, every year, I get down and depressed. All I can think of is my late husband. I'll always ask myself, why? Even though I know most of the reasons as to why he took his own life. I know some of the reasons why my only sibling/older brother took his life too. But. I'll never know the full story. I'll never know why my husbands mother took her life. It appears to run in the family.

I used to love Thanksgiving and Christmas and now it's all I can do to get through it. I've been threw so much pain and grief in my life that I often wonder, why would God continue to put me through more.

I know there are some who still blame me. But you can't blame anyone who takes their own life except for the person that took their own life.

I still haven't forgiven myself for my husbands death. I know I did what I could, but I feel like it wasn't enough or he'd be here.

I had someone tell me that "You killed him, It's your fault, You drove him to his death." Those words have been branded on my brain forever. That's the worst thing you can say to someone who has just lost the love of their life from suicide.

All I pray and hope for now is to find someone to love me and someone that I can love back Someone to grow old with. But after 5 1/2 years, I'm not sure if it will ever happen.

If it wasn't for my grandchildren, I'd really be lost. They are what keeps me going. They are the reason for me to have a Happy Thanksgiving and Christmas. But this time of year is always so very hard.

I read something today and I had posted to FB in 2012.  It said grieving is like having broken ribs.on the outside you look fine, but with every breath it hurts!  I've had a broken rib and 2 100% collapsed lungs and the pain is excruciating. But the pain of grief is far more painful.

Moving on

Only time can tell you when to move on.  Only time can tell you when to let go.  Only time can tell you to stop grieving. But nothing can tell you that your loved one will not live on in your heart, forever.  Only Alzheimer's and death can make you forget. The pain will never go away. The images of what I saw will never go away.  The images of my husbands death are seared in my mind forever, branded on my brain forever. But I've finally been able to move on.

I can finally laugh again! I can have so much fun with my grandsons.

I am totally and utterly alone. I have Sam. He's my dog and yes I talk to him. :-)  Sometimes he'll talk back. If he hears me cry, he'll jump in my lap and love me.

I do hope some day that I can meet someone else to grow old with.  Someone to hold me and for me to hold again. Only God knows the answer to that. I've lived on my own now for over 3 years.

It's been a hard long road to travel. I've had my ups and downs. Sometimes the waves come crashing down so hard on you that you just tumble and pray that you'll reach the shore.  At least I don't cry as much as I once did.  I can go out in public without people staring at me because they can see the pain and sadness on my face and in my eyes.

There are many times when I'll hear something or see something and break down in tears.  If what I heard or saw doesn't remind me of my only sibling/big brother, it reminds me of my husband. Both of which I lost to suicide. Suicide doesn't take the pain away, it gives it to the ones that loved you.

I've learned to be thankful for what I have. Life could be so much worse! I can now take care of myself. Sure, it's hard, but I can do it.  I get a little help sometimes.  I do long for love and companionship. Only time will tell.

I can get back into my work again. It feels good to create and make things for others. I have so much still left to do. So many things that I want to do. So many things that I want to see.

After my brother took his life I found out that he had asked others for help. But he never asked me nor my husband for help. At that time we could have helped him. Instead we paid for his funeral.  I did the best that I could to help my husband, but I failed at that.  I know now that it was HIS decision and not mine. He wanted to leave this word. Sometimes I think he didn't love me enough to stay. Much less anyone else.  I know most of the reasons why he did what he did. But I'll always have unanswered questions. I'll always carry some guilt. Time can't take that away either.

For now, I've moved on and I'll keep moving on. It's a different life now. One that I've never known before. I do hate the position that my husband put me in, but I've accepted it now. I believe that acceptance is part of moving on.

This is by far the hardest and longest road that I've ever had to travel.  But that's okay now. People say I'm strong because of what I've been through. I suppose one would have to be to have to endure the pain that I've endured my entire life, in so many different ways. I've been told nearly my entire life that I've been through more than one person should have to go through in a lifetime.  I know that God has His reasons.  I'll never give up!

Like I said, acceptance is moving on.

Five years today

It's been five long years since I lost my husband to suicide. I still miss him. I still love him. I still dream about him often. As time goes on, it has gotten easier. I don't cry as much. But today is his anniversary death and I have cried.

When I went to bed last night, I cried. I'm so tired of being alone. He doesn't come through the door anymore. He doesn't call and check on me anymore.  I miss his laughter, his hugs, his funny jokes, I miss his smile and so much more.

He was the love of my life and now he's gone. Gone way too soon. Until the day I die I will carry guilt with me. I will carry him in my heart forever. I carry his memories.

The images of him are seared in my mind and branded on my brain forever!

I also miss my only sibling/my older brother who also took his life. He took his life on January 1, 1998. He too will live in my heart forever.

I just wish that I could have helped them both. But I couldn't. I tried to help my husband, but he just wouldn't listen to me.

My heart aches for both of them. I miss them dearly. May they both RIP with the Lord.