Twenty years ago today, I quit smoking! Best thing I ever did. Now I have Asthma and COPD, but mild. I also nearly lost my life. I tried to tell the Doctor and the nurses that I wasn't going to make it. I had passed out, went into shock. When I came to, I told them that I felt like I was dying. That's when they took me serious! My blood count went down to 5.0. My blood pressure was down to 80/44 and dropping. By the time they rushed me into emergency surgery, my blood count had dropped more. I had lost a lot of blood. They gave me 6 units of blood and 2 units of fresh frozen plasma. God was there the entire time. The look on my husbands face, I'll never forget.

Its been 3 years, 4 months and 11 days since I lost the love of my life.

In the past 2 weeks, I've heard about 6 suicides, just in the metro Atlanta area.  People who commit this horrible act are in a lot of pain, either physically or mentally or both. Some leave notes and some don't. Some hide their feelings so well, that even the person that is the closest to them, cannot see the signs. I wish I could have seen the signs with my husband. I knew something wasn't right but just thought he was depressed because his business went down. He refused to shut it down. He refused to get another job. He stopped getting his unemployment and refused to go apply anymore.

The ones left behind are in so much pain, that I don't have the words to describe it. I lost the two men in my life that I loved the most to suicide. My only sibling, my older brother and my husband of 30 years.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of them. I still cry to this day for both of them. Every time I write in my blog, I have tears strolling down my face.

My brother has been gone since 1-1-98. I still haven't fully gotten over his death.

I'd just like to be happy again!  I can laugh now, so that's a good thing! But my life now as I know it, is so very lonely and I'm all alone.

I've been living by myself since March of 2013. It's hard but I'm making it.

I wish there was a way that we could all learn all the signs leading up to someone taking their own life.

Until next time...

Today is Mother's Day, May 10, 2014.  I'm not exactly sure, but I think my dearest grandmother died on Mother's Day. She was just a few years older than I am now. Too young to go. So was my mom. She passed away on April 6, 1971.  I found out that I was wrong about her birth date (year) It was 1937 when she was born. She was only 33 years old.  I miss them both dearly!

Happy Mother's Day to both of them. May they rest in peace.

I cannot believe that it's been 3 long years of the most , miserable, excruciating  painful, lonely  and the darkest day's of my life, since the tragic day I found my husband hanging. We were married for over 29 years and together for 30.

I do have some good day's but mostly bad day's. I'm so tired of having the dreams and night mares that I've had since he left this world.  I just wish they would go away!! I have a lot of flash backs of that day and the night before. I dreamed last night that we went bankrupt but couldn't find a house for rent. So he got a motel room which was very small but the motel/hotel was the tallest one. They decided to tear down the hotel but not before telling him that he was $30 thousand in debt. In my dream he stayed and died when the motel/hotel went down. There are so many ways of suicide, even in your dreams.

I'm tired of people telling me to move one, get a life, get out of the house and do something. That's so easy for someone to say who hasn't been through what I've been through. What I'm still going through.  I keep my youngest grand son while his parents go to work. I really do love it, but it's very hard to do. When school is out, I have more grand kids to keep, but sometimes I just want to lay on the sofa, be by myself and watch TV, play pc games and do a lot of crying.

I don't even get dressed on many days. No one is coming over except the boys so I figure, what's the point and I like my pajamas! Plus, I don't know anyone down here. I know the name of 2 neighbors and that's it.

My sweet daughter told me to get in the Durango and drive around. What's the point of just driving around and wasting gas? Not to mention getting lost and being alone. :-)

I hate living here, but I love my daughter and grand kids. They are what keeps my going.

I thank the Lord I have them. I also thank the Lord that I have a roof over my head, heat to keep me warm, cool air so I won't get too hot, food on the table, clothes on my back and more!  But I hate being so alone and so lonely.  I can't stand having the bad dreams about him.

So many questions go through my mind and none can be answered. Sometimes I hate him for what he did and then I fill guilty for that. He was a good man, but he hurt me and a lot of other people. I'm tired of feeling so much guilt!

I love you Dale and I always have and I always will.

May he rest in peace!