My husband was a good man. He took very good care of me the many times I was in the hospital. I love him and he'll live in my heart forever. But I must go on with my life without him.
I hope that I can meet someone someday, sooner than later and spend the rest of my life with him, who ever God decides that is. I just don't want to grow old alone.
Please, please, do not tell me that you understand unless you've walked in my shoes. When you've spent over half your life with someone and you find them after they have taken their own life, do not tell me that you understand, because you do not!
The days are getting better, but I have my down days. I still cry every day for my husband. I woke up this morning and reached for him, thinking he was laying next to me, but when I raised my head and opened my eyes, I realized, he was really gone. That happens often and I'll be glad when that doesn't happen anymore.
It seems that it never fails, that when I really need someone to talk too, there is no one to talk too. Like yesterday and last night. No, I wasn't feeling sorry for myself. I wasn't having a pity party either, I'm still grieving.
Every day is a new day. I have no choice but to take one day at a time. As hard as that is, I just have to do that now.
I have a lot of flashbacks to that horrible day when I found my dear husband hanging in his shop. As I type these words, tears are streaming down my face. He's gone and I'm still here. I know most of the reasons why he did this, but I'm so mad because he hurt himself, he left me, our beautiful daughter that was our miracle child, and our precious grandsons! He left all who loved him!
Our daughter was a twin, but we lost her twin about 3-4 months into the pregnancy and we nearly lost her! I thank God for her and my grandsons.
I want to live and not just exist and go on like a robot!
My Husband
In Memory
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
I have so much anger boiling inside of me right now at my husband for what he did, that I feel like I'm just going to explode!
If I had a gun I'd shoot a tree over and over and over! But I don't. I don't even like guns. I wish I had a lot of unwanted glass so I could throw them all against a tree and break them!
I feel like a volcano, just boiling away and soon I'm going to erupt! I just don't want to take it out on someone else.
I wish I could go somewhere to be alone until after the first of the year is over.
I guess this is what happens when you start getting angry at your loved one?
My own flesh and blood and others blame me for my husbands death!
I don't know how much more I can take of this.
One of the several reasons that I don't like going to church is because there are too many hypocrites! I can't stand hypocrites. They all think they are better than everyone else, but they are not! They hurt you, say bad things about you, never help you, then go to church and be all righteous!
Is this what it feels like when you finally get good and mad?
I'm just so angry right now.........
If I had a gun I'd shoot a tree over and over and over! But I don't. I don't even like guns. I wish I had a lot of unwanted glass so I could throw them all against a tree and break them!
I feel like a volcano, just boiling away and soon I'm going to erupt! I just don't want to take it out on someone else.
I wish I could go somewhere to be alone until after the first of the year is over.
I guess this is what happens when you start getting angry at your loved one?
My own flesh and blood and others blame me for my husbands death!
I don't know how much more I can take of this.
One of the several reasons that I don't like going to church is because there are too many hypocrites! I can't stand hypocrites. They all think they are better than everyone else, but they are not! They hurt you, say bad things about you, never help you, then go to church and be all righteous!
Is this what it feels like when you finally get good and mad?
I'm just so angry right now.........
Saturday, November 10, 2012
When I woke up, I was laying straight in the bed, covers on and a nurse on each side of me. My husband was standing at the end of the bed. I heard the nurse whisper to the other nurse, "Her BP is 80/44." I asked them, "Why is my blood pressure so low?" She said, "That's normal for your condition."
I cannot explain the look on my husbands face, but he did look scared.
They finally got the results from the blood test that they took that morning, that I have no memory of.
Then my Doctor came in. His back was facing me at the end of my bed. As he turned around, he said, "We have some alarming news. Your blood count has dropped to 5.4." He knew nothing about me or what I knew. He just thought I was some ignorant housewife. When I heard those numbers, I scooted backwards in the bed and said in somewhat of a loud voice, "Oh God, please don't let me die!" Later on when I was out of the hospital and had a follow up visit at his office, he said to me, "Your words will ring in my ears forever!"
Another nurse came to the door and my doctor had asked her "How many units of blood do they have." I think she said 7. By this time, I kept telling them that I felt like I was dying! I remember one of the nurses said to me, "We take someone seriously when they say they feel like their dying. I remember saying it over and over.
They rushed me into emergency surgery. All I remember was the same anesthesiologist said, "Sherry, do you remember me from yesterday?" And then I was out. And no, I didn't remember.
I found out later they had given me 6 units of blood and 2 units of fresh frozen plasma. I've heard they only give fresh frozen plasma to shock patients.
When I woke up, I was in so much pain! My husband was still there with me. I don't remember being in the recovery room at all.
Finally, after I pass out, go into shock, they get the results of the blood tests back, they believed me!! They were stunned to say the least.
I had IV's hooked up to me, potassium, lipids, and I cannot remember the other ones. I think there were 2 more.
They told me later, after I was stable, which took several days that if I had of went home, I would have died. Some of the nurses asked me, "How did you know?" Well, I don't know how I knew, but I did. One nurse told me that they rarely take a patient 'home' with them. They were trained that way. But one nurse had told me that when she got home, she couldn't stop thinking of me.
I never saw the Psychiatrist again!
I made a complaint about the nurse in the 'out patient' recovery for saying what she did. The president of the hospital came to my room and said, "We'll just chalk it up to a bad hair day!" I was so drugged up, I didn't say very much after that.
My husband was with me every day. He helped take care of me. He washed my hair for me, and shaved my legs for me!
The doctor told me that they had snipped many areas where I had scar tissue and adhesion's. They said that I was bleeding in about 100 different places! He had told me it would have been much easier if I was bleeding in just one area instead of so many areas. The blood was ouseing out slowly into my abdomen. My doctor told me that they had to cauterize in about 100 different places!
They did save my life! I was grateful for that! But I never saw a GYN again! The good thing about this, is that I never smoked again! That was just over 18 years ago! I did thank the doctors who nearly let me die for saving my life.
It says some where in the Bible that if you cry out loud to God, He will hear you. He heard me that day for sure! The Lord was with me every step of the way!
My sweet husband took such good care of me when I got to go home. He hated seeing me like that. He was my rock and I loved him dearly for taking such good care of me.
Until next time....
I cannot explain the look on my husbands face, but he did look scared.
They finally got the results from the blood test that they took that morning, that I have no memory of.
Then my Doctor came in. His back was facing me at the end of my bed. As he turned around, he said, "We have some alarming news. Your blood count has dropped to 5.4." He knew nothing about me or what I knew. He just thought I was some ignorant housewife. When I heard those numbers, I scooted backwards in the bed and said in somewhat of a loud voice, "Oh God, please don't let me die!" Later on when I was out of the hospital and had a follow up visit at his office, he said to me, "Your words will ring in my ears forever!"
Another nurse came to the door and my doctor had asked her "How many units of blood do they have." I think she said 7. By this time, I kept telling them that I felt like I was dying! I remember one of the nurses said to me, "We take someone seriously when they say they feel like their dying. I remember saying it over and over.
They rushed me into emergency surgery. All I remember was the same anesthesiologist said, "Sherry, do you remember me from yesterday?" And then I was out. And no, I didn't remember.
I found out later they had given me 6 units of blood and 2 units of fresh frozen plasma. I've heard they only give fresh frozen plasma to shock patients.
When I woke up, I was in so much pain! My husband was still there with me. I don't remember being in the recovery room at all.
Finally, after I pass out, go into shock, they get the results of the blood tests back, they believed me!! They were stunned to say the least.
I had IV's hooked up to me, potassium, lipids, and I cannot remember the other ones. I think there were 2 more.
They told me later, after I was stable, which took several days that if I had of went home, I would have died. Some of the nurses asked me, "How did you know?" Well, I don't know how I knew, but I did. One nurse told me that they rarely take a patient 'home' with them. They were trained that way. But one nurse had told me that when she got home, she couldn't stop thinking of me.
I never saw the Psychiatrist again!
I made a complaint about the nurse in the 'out patient' recovery for saying what she did. The president of the hospital came to my room and said, "We'll just chalk it up to a bad hair day!" I was so drugged up, I didn't say very much after that.
My husband was with me every day. He helped take care of me. He washed my hair for me, and shaved my legs for me!
The doctor told me that they had snipped many areas where I had scar tissue and adhesion's. They said that I was bleeding in about 100 different places! He had told me it would have been much easier if I was bleeding in just one area instead of so many areas. The blood was ouseing out slowly into my abdomen. My doctor told me that they had to cauterize in about 100 different places!
They did save my life! I was grateful for that! But I never saw a GYN again! The good thing about this, is that I never smoked again! That was just over 18 years ago! I did thank the doctors who nearly let me die for saving my life.
It says some where in the Bible that if you cry out loud to God, He will hear you. He heard me that day for sure! The Lord was with me every step of the way!
My sweet husband took such good care of me when I got to go home. He hated seeing me like that. He was my rock and I loved him dearly for taking such good care of me.
Until next time....
Friday, November 9, 2012
At that time in my life I smoked. My husband smoked too. I was told by my Doctor not to smoke a cigarette the morning of the surgery. I was so sick, I couldn't smoke one!
I keep telling my husband that I don't think I should have this surgery. I was so sick that I asked him to take me to the local hospital because I was vomiting so much. It was really just dry heaves. We went into the ER. They took me back and I told the nurse that I don't want to have the surgery. She said, "You'll be fine! I've had the same surgery." They called the hospital that I was supposed to be at for the sugery and told them I was running late and what had happened.
On the way, I kept telling my husband that I didn't think that I should go through with this.
As soon as we got to where we were supposed to be, I got on a gown, they started an IV and I don't remember anything until I woke up in the "out patient" recovery.
I knew something was wrong. I guess I've had enough surgeries to know when something isn't right. I wasn't coming out of the anesthesia the way I should have and I couldn't empty my bladder.
I was crying and tried to tell the nurse that was taking care of me, that something is wrong and if you send me home, I won't make it! I cried, I begged and I pleaded to let them let me stay over night. The nurse kept telling me there is nothing wrong with you. You can go home. You will be fine. But I knew I wasn't fine, I just didn't know what. Finally they let me speak on the phone to the nurse at my Doctors office. She tried to convince me that I would be fine, but I told her the same thing, "If you send me home, I won't make it!" Finally she said, "Okay, we will admit you." That was a relief!
Several of my girlfriends came up to the hospital that night to see me. I remember they kept asking my husband why is she in so much pain? He didn't know.
Later a nurse came in and I had to tell her that I needed a catheter! She said "When was the last time you emptied your bladder?" I said, "At 6:30." She looked at her watch and said, "It's only been 30 minutes!" That's when my husband said, "No, 6:30 this morning!" That got her moving! And it's not normal to go 12 hours and not empty your bladder.
Then a Psychiatrist comes in to see me. I guess they thought I was crazy. My husband had told me later that when I was in the out patient recovery, he over heard the nurse telling another nurse, "Why do I always get these kind?" He was mad and I was just hurt!
The Psychiatrist asked me why I thought I needed to stay. I said, " I don't know but if you send me home, I won't make it!" They really thought I was a basket case! They started giving me Valium. I tried to tell them I didn't need that!
I was in a lot of pain! They did give me something for the pain as well as the Valium.
The next morning they drew blood but I don't remember. I was so out of it and it wasn't from Valium or pain meds. I remember telling the nurse that something was wrong, I didn't feel right. She said I was just hyperventilating! The truth is that the first thing I remember that morning was sitting on the toilet trying to put my head down to my knees to keep me from passing out. For some strange reason the nurse shoved a wash cloth at me and said, "Here, wash your boobs!" I saw my dear sweet husband standing behind her. I don't remember when my husband got there that morning.
I shoved that wash cloth right back at her! I said, "No, I'm going to pass out!" She just said the same thing, "Your hyperventilating!"
I remember them helping me to the bed. I was sitting up side ways and I was still telling her that I'm going to pass out. Well....not only did I pass out, I went into shock! Until next time.....
I keep telling my husband that I don't think I should have this surgery. I was so sick that I asked him to take me to the local hospital because I was vomiting so much. It was really just dry heaves. We went into the ER. They took me back and I told the nurse that I don't want to have the surgery. She said, "You'll be fine! I've had the same surgery." They called the hospital that I was supposed to be at for the sugery and told them I was running late and what had happened.
On the way, I kept telling my husband that I didn't think that I should go through with this.
As soon as we got to where we were supposed to be, I got on a gown, they started an IV and I don't remember anything until I woke up in the "out patient" recovery.
I knew something was wrong. I guess I've had enough surgeries to know when something isn't right. I wasn't coming out of the anesthesia the way I should have and I couldn't empty my bladder.
I was crying and tried to tell the nurse that was taking care of me, that something is wrong and if you send me home, I won't make it! I cried, I begged and I pleaded to let them let me stay over night. The nurse kept telling me there is nothing wrong with you. You can go home. You will be fine. But I knew I wasn't fine, I just didn't know what. Finally they let me speak on the phone to the nurse at my Doctors office. She tried to convince me that I would be fine, but I told her the same thing, "If you send me home, I won't make it!" Finally she said, "Okay, we will admit you." That was a relief!
Several of my girlfriends came up to the hospital that night to see me. I remember they kept asking my husband why is she in so much pain? He didn't know.
Later a nurse came in and I had to tell her that I needed a catheter! She said "When was the last time you emptied your bladder?" I said, "At 6:30." She looked at her watch and said, "It's only been 30 minutes!" That's when my husband said, "No, 6:30 this morning!" That got her moving! And it's not normal to go 12 hours and not empty your bladder.
Then a Psychiatrist comes in to see me. I guess they thought I was crazy. My husband had told me later that when I was in the out patient recovery, he over heard the nurse telling another nurse, "Why do I always get these kind?" He was mad and I was just hurt!
The Psychiatrist asked me why I thought I needed to stay. I said, " I don't know but if you send me home, I won't make it!" They really thought I was a basket case! They started giving me Valium. I tried to tell them I didn't need that!
I was in a lot of pain! They did give me something for the pain as well as the Valium.
The next morning they drew blood but I don't remember. I was so out of it and it wasn't from Valium or pain meds. I remember telling the nurse that something was wrong, I didn't feel right. She said I was just hyperventilating! The truth is that the first thing I remember that morning was sitting on the toilet trying to put my head down to my knees to keep me from passing out. For some strange reason the nurse shoved a wash cloth at me and said, "Here, wash your boobs!" I saw my dear sweet husband standing behind her. I don't remember when my husband got there that morning.
I shoved that wash cloth right back at her! I said, "No, I'm going to pass out!" She just said the same thing, "Your hyperventilating!"
I remember them helping me to the bed. I was sitting up side ways and I was still telling her that I'm going to pass out. Well....not only did I pass out, I went into shock! Until next time.....
Thursday, November 8, 2012
I'm going to tell you the story of what happened to me, on Labor Day Weekend in 1994.
My husband was with me through it all. He took care of me and even shaved my legs for me! What a guy!
Previous to 1994, I had about 7 surgeries just for Endometriosis. I had a severe case of it. At the time I was taking ERT. (Estrogen Replacement Therapy) I found out later that Estrogen makes Endometriosis grow. I never understood why they gave me ERT if they knew that Endometriosis thrives off of Estrogen.
I was still having a lot of pain and told my Doctor. He said, "It should be gone by now." I got a 2nd opinion. They sent me for an ultrasound at the hospital. When I saw the look on one of the nurses face, I knew something was wrong. That same day in the afternoon I got a call from my Doctor. He said " You have a 5x3x6 cm cyst coming from a microscopic ovarian remnant. My ovaries were removed several years before this. Some how a tiny piece of an ovary was left inside.
My Doctor told me that I needed surgery. He said they would do a laparotomy and get the cyst out. A laparotomy is a large incision in your abdomen.
When I woke up they told me that my Doctor did a laparoscopic procedure. As he inserted the laparoscope into my abdomen and touched the cyst, it ruptured. While they were in there they did a lot of snipping away scar tissue and adhesion's.
Before the surgery I had to drink a bunch of nasty stuff that I cannot remember the name of. I just couldn't drink it. I ended up throwing it all back up! My nerves were shot and I continued to vomit. I was scared but not as scared as I was on that scary day....until next time.....
My husband was with me through it all. He took care of me and even shaved my legs for me! What a guy!
Previous to 1994, I had about 7 surgeries just for Endometriosis. I had a severe case of it. At the time I was taking ERT. (Estrogen Replacement Therapy) I found out later that Estrogen makes Endometriosis grow. I never understood why they gave me ERT if they knew that Endometriosis thrives off of Estrogen.
I was still having a lot of pain and told my Doctor. He said, "It should be gone by now." I got a 2nd opinion. They sent me for an ultrasound at the hospital. When I saw the look on one of the nurses face, I knew something was wrong. That same day in the afternoon I got a call from my Doctor. He said " You have a 5x3x6 cm cyst coming from a microscopic ovarian remnant. My ovaries were removed several years before this. Some how a tiny piece of an ovary was left inside.
My Doctor told me that I needed surgery. He said they would do a laparotomy and get the cyst out. A laparotomy is a large incision in your abdomen.
When I woke up they told me that my Doctor did a laparoscopic procedure. As he inserted the laparoscope into my abdomen and touched the cyst, it ruptured. While they were in there they did a lot of snipping away scar tissue and adhesion's.
Before the surgery I had to drink a bunch of nasty stuff that I cannot remember the name of. I just couldn't drink it. I ended up throwing it all back up! My nerves were shot and I continued to vomit. I was scared but not as scared as I was on that scary day....until next time.....
I did something today that I wasn't sure I could do. Even though I used to live in Atlanta, the area of Atlanta that I had to be at this morning at 8:00 was not a familiar place. I don't like driving on the expressway into Atlanta especially at that time of morning. Lots of traffic. When I got to my destination, I had to park, which cost me $10.00!! I had to walk a block down the road all by myself. All of this was so new to me and I was a little scared. But, I did it and I did it all by myself!
I remember when I was the photographer for the year book when my daughter was in the 2nd grade, her teacher said to me, "When you can't find help, you just do it all by yourself." I guess she was right.
This really made me mad at my late husband! This is the first time that I really was angry at him for leaving me! How dare him leave me like this! He left so he didn't have to deal with everything and now I have a mess to fix. I still will always love him, but dang, I'm just so angry right now. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
I finished what he started. I was told that I was crazy by someone when I paid off our Attorney! I told this person, that my husband started it and I was going to see to it that it was finished! This is what he wanted. Today, it was finished!
This week has been a very busy week for me. I'm not used to going somewhere every single day of the week. But I have to do what I have to do.
The one thing that hurts me the most besides my husband taking his own life, is that people still blame me for what he did. Even though I carry guilt, it was not my fault and I didn't drive him to do it. It was HIS choice, not mine. The people who blame me don't have a clue what my husband and I went through the last 2 years of his life. We were fine in our marriage, but not with his business.
I remember when I was the photographer for the year book when my daughter was in the 2nd grade, her teacher said to me, "When you can't find help, you just do it all by yourself." I guess she was right.
This really made me mad at my late husband! This is the first time that I really was angry at him for leaving me! How dare him leave me like this! He left so he didn't have to deal with everything and now I have a mess to fix. I still will always love him, but dang, I'm just so angry right now. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
I finished what he started. I was told that I was crazy by someone when I paid off our Attorney! I told this person, that my husband started it and I was going to see to it that it was finished! This is what he wanted. Today, it was finished!
This week has been a very busy week for me. I'm not used to going somewhere every single day of the week. But I have to do what I have to do.
The one thing that hurts me the most besides my husband taking his own life, is that people still blame me for what he did. Even though I carry guilt, it was not my fault and I didn't drive him to do it. It was HIS choice, not mine. The people who blame me don't have a clue what my husband and I went through the last 2 years of his life. We were fine in our marriage, but not with his business.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Holiday's are always hard. I know for me, that this time of year is the hardest. I've always had a really hard time this time of year since I lost my mother in 1971. She was only 33 years old and I was 11 years old. My husband and my daughter could tell that I would get sad. It's a bitter sweet time of year for me.
Last year was the first Thanksgiving and Christmas that I was without my husband, daughter and my grandchildren. I spent Thanksgiving Day sitting alone, in the dark and watched TV all day. I cried a lot throughout that day. At the end of Thanksgiving Day, the lady I was living with made me a plate of food. It was really good too. I ate alone.
On Christmas Day, I did the same thing, I sat in the dark all day long and watched TV and cried a lot. Just before Christmas Day I had met my daughter and grandchildren at a restaurant to have dinner. There was one person missing and that was my husband. It was all I could do to hold back my tears. As I left, driving down the road, I'd cried all the way home.
This year will be different, but I will still be very sad because my husband will not be with us. I pray that I will get to be with my daughter and my grandchildren! The love I have for them is what keeps me going.
My oldest grandsons birthday is November 27. He was born on Thanksgiving Day! I spoke with him on the phone yesterday and I tried to tell him that I just didn't have the money to buy him a gift, but I will make him a card. He said, "Just go to the bank and get some money." I had to explain to him the same way I had to explain to my daughter when she was his age, that you have to have a job, earn money, put it in the bank in order to get money out of the bank. He said, "Oh." I think he got it! :-) Before I explained that to him, he asked me to just buy him something cheap. Bless his heart! I don't know what I'm going to do, but somehow I'll find a way to buy him a small gift. He'll be 9 years old! I have another grandson that will be 6 years old in December. Somehow, I'll think of something. God has provided this long, so I have to keep my faith and trust in Him. Young children just don't understand and it breaks my heart.
I'm struggling with all of this but I know somehow the Lord will provide! I just can't give up on my daughter, grand kids or God! As hard as it is, I just refuse to.
I just have to thank the good Lord for getting me this far! I'm very thankful to be alive and have a roof over my head, heat to keep me warm, food on the table, the medications that I need to keep me living, clothes on my back, the ability to see, hear, feel, walk and so much more!
For all of you out there who feel like I do or in other situations that make your heart sad, know that God IS with you! I have no idea what God wants me to do, but I do know, that HE is with us all!
Last year was the first Thanksgiving and Christmas that I was without my husband, daughter and my grandchildren. I spent Thanksgiving Day sitting alone, in the dark and watched TV all day. I cried a lot throughout that day. At the end of Thanksgiving Day, the lady I was living with made me a plate of food. It was really good too. I ate alone.
On Christmas Day, I did the same thing, I sat in the dark all day long and watched TV and cried a lot. Just before Christmas Day I had met my daughter and grandchildren at a restaurant to have dinner. There was one person missing and that was my husband. It was all I could do to hold back my tears. As I left, driving down the road, I'd cried all the way home.
This year will be different, but I will still be very sad because my husband will not be with us. I pray that I will get to be with my daughter and my grandchildren! The love I have for them is what keeps me going.
My oldest grandsons birthday is November 27. He was born on Thanksgiving Day! I spoke with him on the phone yesterday and I tried to tell him that I just didn't have the money to buy him a gift, but I will make him a card. He said, "Just go to the bank and get some money." I had to explain to him the same way I had to explain to my daughter when she was his age, that you have to have a job, earn money, put it in the bank in order to get money out of the bank. He said, "Oh." I think he got it! :-) Before I explained that to him, he asked me to just buy him something cheap. Bless his heart! I don't know what I'm going to do, but somehow I'll find a way to buy him a small gift. He'll be 9 years old! I have another grandson that will be 6 years old in December. Somehow, I'll think of something. God has provided this long, so I have to keep my faith and trust in Him. Young children just don't understand and it breaks my heart.
I'm struggling with all of this but I know somehow the Lord will provide! I just can't give up on my daughter, grand kids or God! As hard as it is, I just refuse to.
I just have to thank the good Lord for getting me this far! I'm very thankful to be alive and have a roof over my head, heat to keep me warm, food on the table, the medications that I need to keep me living, clothes on my back, the ability to see, hear, feel, walk and so much more!
For all of you out there who feel like I do or in other situations that make your heart sad, know that God IS with you! I have no idea what God wants me to do, but I do know, that HE is with us all!
Thursday, November 1, 2012
I learned in grief counseling that there are 5 stages of grief. They are, Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining and Depression. Recently I've learned a little bit about 2 more. They are, Submission and Reinvestment.
Everyone grieves differently. It's like a finger print, no two people grieve the same. Everyone is different.
There is no order in the stages of grief. It can take up to 5 years for a person to work through a significant loss of a child or spouse. The same is true for divorce. The loss of one's home, job or health. Never rush the process of grieving! And never let someone rush you through your grief or force you to do things that your not ready for.
"The loss of a loved one is a traumatic assault against the human soul." Found this statement in a book. This is so true!
In the initial shock, you think it's just a bad dream and when you wake up everything will be ok, but every time you wake up, you know it's not a dream. This can last for weeks, months and even years.
No one can 'drive' someone to kill themselves. It's not anyone's fault except for the person who took their own life. But there will always be someone that will blame the closest person to the one who took their life. Those people don't have a clue!
Everyone grieves differently. It's like a finger print, no two people grieve the same. Everyone is different.
There is no order in the stages of grief. It can take up to 5 years for a person to work through a significant loss of a child or spouse. The same is true for divorce. The loss of one's home, job or health. Never rush the process of grieving! And never let someone rush you through your grief or force you to do things that your not ready for.
"The loss of a loved one is a traumatic assault against the human soul." Found this statement in a book. This is so true!
In the initial shock, you think it's just a bad dream and when you wake up everything will be ok, but every time you wake up, you know it's not a dream. This can last for weeks, months and even years.
No one can 'drive' someone to kill themselves. It's not anyone's fault except for the person who took their own life. But there will always be someone that will blame the closest person to the one who took their life. Those people don't have a clue!
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Every one's marriage is different. Ours was different from others that we knew. I can only remember just a few times that I went off with the girls and he went off with guys. We just didn't do that much. We enjoyed each other's company.
I was talking with a person and I said, "My husband sheltered me." This person said, "No he didn't, you sheltered yourself". This person hardly knew my husband, didn't know anything about our marriage. At the time this was said, I was still in shock from finding him hanging. I was in shock for months!
My husband got to the point that he worked so much that he didn't want to go anywhere, not even on the weekends. I know he loved me, but he always put his work before me and our daughter. That's one thing that really hurt me.
The last year of his life, he went to the office every day, just waiting of the phone to ring. Day's and weeks went by before he would get a job to do, but he was at the office, no matter what. I don't understand why he didn't just have his calls forwarded to our home. At least we would have had more time together.
When he left this world, there were some things that I had to learn all over again. There were a few people who I suppose were stunned by this, but I don't they realized just how much he sheltered me. I was always home when he came home and many times I'd greet him at the door. In the summer I'd sit on the steps or the chairs on the porch, waiting to see him come up the driveway.
For several years I worked at home, making designs for dog clothes. I made little dresses for small dogs. I made dog beds, belly bands, collars, scarfs and only once I made a leash. I sold them on eBay. I would sew all day long and some nights when I couldn't sleep. I also did scrap booking. I also did a lot of computer graphics. Sitting at the sewing machine for hours a day, every day was making my back hurt so bad, but I was also getting depressed from seeing my dear husband go down hill.
I remember that my daughter had to show me how to use a debit card when getting gas. When I grew up, all gas stations were full service. There was one left in Conyers on Hwy 138. I went there to get gas until it was a self serve. I know how to pump gas, have done it since I learned how to drive. But the debit card being used to get gas was new to me, just as it would be new to maybe a 15 or 16 year old.
If I had to go somewhere for him, he'd always have to draw me a map. He was really good at that and I can read a map! It's a good thing, because I have no sense of direction! Now I have a GPS. It talks too much though, and I tell it to shut up but it doesn't listen to me. lol :-)
I'm no longer being sheltered, but I do miss my husband. I miss being held in his arms. I don't know if there will ever be another man in my life to hold me in their arms, but I sure hope so. I want to be loved again and be loved back. I want to feel needed by someone.
The last year of my husbands life was so different. I just didn't really realize it until after about a year after he left this world. I remember many times asking him if he still loved me. I remember times when I told him that I felt like he didn't love me anymore. It was as if he was pushing me away.
I wish I could have seen the signs, but I didn't. It's too late now.....and that has torn my heart into shreds like confetti.
I was talking with a person and I said, "My husband sheltered me." This person said, "No he didn't, you sheltered yourself". This person hardly knew my husband, didn't know anything about our marriage. At the time this was said, I was still in shock from finding him hanging. I was in shock for months!
My husband got to the point that he worked so much that he didn't want to go anywhere, not even on the weekends. I know he loved me, but he always put his work before me and our daughter. That's one thing that really hurt me.
The last year of his life, he went to the office every day, just waiting of the phone to ring. Day's and weeks went by before he would get a job to do, but he was at the office, no matter what. I don't understand why he didn't just have his calls forwarded to our home. At least we would have had more time together.
When he left this world, there were some things that I had to learn all over again. There were a few people who I suppose were stunned by this, but I don't they realized just how much he sheltered me. I was always home when he came home and many times I'd greet him at the door. In the summer I'd sit on the steps or the chairs on the porch, waiting to see him come up the driveway.
For several years I worked at home, making designs for dog clothes. I made little dresses for small dogs. I made dog beds, belly bands, collars, scarfs and only once I made a leash. I sold them on eBay. I would sew all day long and some nights when I couldn't sleep. I also did scrap booking. I also did a lot of computer graphics. Sitting at the sewing machine for hours a day, every day was making my back hurt so bad, but I was also getting depressed from seeing my dear husband go down hill.
I remember that my daughter had to show me how to use a debit card when getting gas. When I grew up, all gas stations were full service. There was one left in Conyers on Hwy 138. I went there to get gas until it was a self serve. I know how to pump gas, have done it since I learned how to drive. But the debit card being used to get gas was new to me, just as it would be new to maybe a 15 or 16 year old.
If I had to go somewhere for him, he'd always have to draw me a map. He was really good at that and I can read a map! It's a good thing, because I have no sense of direction! Now I have a GPS. It talks too much though, and I tell it to shut up but it doesn't listen to me. lol :-)
I'm no longer being sheltered, but I do miss my husband. I miss being held in his arms. I don't know if there will ever be another man in my life to hold me in their arms, but I sure hope so. I want to be loved again and be loved back. I want to feel needed by someone.
The last year of my husbands life was so different. I just didn't really realize it until after about a year after he left this world. I remember many times asking him if he still loved me. I remember times when I told him that I felt like he didn't love me anymore. It was as if he was pushing me away.
I wish I could have seen the signs, but I didn't. It's too late now.....and that has torn my heart into shreds like confetti.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
When I met my husband I was living in a duplex in Atlanta Georgia. I lived alone. I had a full time job. But I was miserable! I hated living alone. I do enjoy my 'alone time' but I don't like living alone.
For the next 3 weeks I'll be living alone. First time in over 30 years! My room mate will be back in 3 weeks. I'm keeping up with the dogs, the outside pond fish, the green house, the fish tanks inside and the baby fish tank. I have my little Piper to keep me company.
I had to give her a really good bath today. She was so mad at me! She looks and feels much better now.
Since my husband decided to leave this world, I've had so many dreams about him and some nightmares. I actually woke myself up talking in my sleep about a week or so ago. I said "I need that file. Dale....Dale!" Then I realized he wasn't next to me. Piper was next to me. I just rolled over and went back to sleep.
I'm in the process of writing a poem about my late husband. When I'm done I'll share it with you. I have written a book of poetry but haven't got a copyright on it yet. I wrote it all out by hand. I'm afraid if I put it on my laptop, it just may get lost. I left extra pages so I could add to the book. I'm keeping the title to myself for now.
This was written and published in the Jonesboro Senior High School Arts and Literary Department in 1977. However they left out one word! The word was, "fall."
"When you lose someone you've loved very much,
it's like a tree losing it's beautiful fall touch."
I wrote that quote and three others. All four were published in the Zepher. I still have mine. They are also in my book.
My husband sheltered me so much, for so long.....until next time.
For the next 3 weeks I'll be living alone. First time in over 30 years! My room mate will be back in 3 weeks. I'm keeping up with the dogs, the outside pond fish, the green house, the fish tanks inside and the baby fish tank. I have my little Piper to keep me company.
I had to give her a really good bath today. She was so mad at me! She looks and feels much better now.
Since my husband decided to leave this world, I've had so many dreams about him and some nightmares. I actually woke myself up talking in my sleep about a week or so ago. I said "I need that file. Dale....Dale!" Then I realized he wasn't next to me. Piper was next to me. I just rolled over and went back to sleep.
I'm in the process of writing a poem about my late husband. When I'm done I'll share it with you. I have written a book of poetry but haven't got a copyright on it yet. I wrote it all out by hand. I'm afraid if I put it on my laptop, it just may get lost. I left extra pages so I could add to the book. I'm keeping the title to myself for now.
This was written and published in the Jonesboro Senior High School Arts and Literary Department in 1977. However they left out one word! The word was, "fall."
"When you lose someone you've loved very much,
it's like a tree losing it's beautiful fall touch."
I wrote that quote and three others. All four were published in the Zepher. I still have mine. They are also in my book.
My husband sheltered me so much, for so long.....until next time.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
I've decided that I will not post anything from the Journals that I've written in. I'd like to keep them private.
I think that this week was the best week I've had since my husband left. We've had beautiful days and clear skies at night. I love looking up at the stars on a clear night.
I can now laugh again! And that feels good! I used to laugh a lot and had a good sense of humor. Something took that away, but now it's coming back!
It doesn't get better over night, but as time goes on, it does get better and easier to cope.
I thank the Lord for my life and the 30 years I had with my husband. I have finally let go and I'm moving forward.
When you have someone who loves you enough to help you until you can make it on your own, it makes life much easier!
I think that this week was the best week I've had since my husband left. We've had beautiful days and clear skies at night. I love looking up at the stars on a clear night.
I can now laugh again! And that feels good! I used to laugh a lot and had a good sense of humor. Something took that away, but now it's coming back!
It doesn't get better over night, but as time goes on, it does get better and easier to cope.
I thank the Lord for my life and the 30 years I had with my husband. I have finally let go and I'm moving forward.
When you have someone who loves you enough to help you until you can make it on your own, it makes life much easier!
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
If you have ever had anyone threaten to kill themselves, regardless of how many times they make that threat, don't just not believe them, take them seriously! Try and get them help. I wish I knew then what I know now, but that wasn't the case.
I've heard people say it's the quite ones that kill themselves, but I personally do not believe that. My brother threatened 3 times. The 3rd time, he succeeded. When a person is suicidal, they are "thinking" of taking their own life and what they really want is help, but they don't know how to get it. Sometimes they cannot see beyond what's right in front of their face. To them there is no tomorrow. They are lost and confused. They don't think about the severe pain that the ones that love them, are going to be in more pain than they are. When they succeed, their pain is gone, but our pain is a life time.
Things do get better for the survivors, as time goes on. It has for me. I finally can laugh again. When I would hear something funny, I'd catch myself laughing, then I'd suddenly stop. Why, you may ask. Because my loved one isn't here and cannot laugh with me. I've gotten over that now.
If anyone is reading this blog, and you are thinking about taking your own life, please don't. You can leave me a message and I will help as much and as best as I can. And remember, "A stranger is a friend that I haven't met yet."
For some, they think that no one will understand what they are going through, but there are people out there who do!
I'll be making more posts soon. They will be posts from when I started keeping a journal. That way you'll get to know my pain. If you've never experienced losing someone from suicide, you'll never understand that kind of pain. However, having said that, a death is a terrible loss and that I do and you will understand that.
One other thing that is so very important to me, is that God carried me through this. I thank the Lord for what I do have, even after losing my house, my dogs and 90% of what we owned. And I still have to get rid of some things. God is always there, you just have to trust Him!
I have lots of work to do between now and Christmas.
Until next time..... if you need to talk, please leave me a message.
I've heard people say it's the quite ones that kill themselves, but I personally do not believe that. My brother threatened 3 times. The 3rd time, he succeeded. When a person is suicidal, they are "thinking" of taking their own life and what they really want is help, but they don't know how to get it. Sometimes they cannot see beyond what's right in front of their face. To them there is no tomorrow. They are lost and confused. They don't think about the severe pain that the ones that love them, are going to be in more pain than they are. When they succeed, their pain is gone, but our pain is a life time.
Things do get better for the survivors, as time goes on. It has for me. I finally can laugh again. When I would hear something funny, I'd catch myself laughing, then I'd suddenly stop. Why, you may ask. Because my loved one isn't here and cannot laugh with me. I've gotten over that now.
If anyone is reading this blog, and you are thinking about taking your own life, please don't. You can leave me a message and I will help as much and as best as I can. And remember, "A stranger is a friend that I haven't met yet."
For some, they think that no one will understand what they are going through, but there are people out there who do!
I'll be making more posts soon. They will be posts from when I started keeping a journal. That way you'll get to know my pain. If you've never experienced losing someone from suicide, you'll never understand that kind of pain. However, having said that, a death is a terrible loss and that I do and you will understand that.
One other thing that is so very important to me, is that God carried me through this. I thank the Lord for what I do have, even after losing my house, my dogs and 90% of what we owned. And I still have to get rid of some things. God is always there, you just have to trust Him!
I have lots of work to do between now and Christmas.
Until next time..... if you need to talk, please leave me a message.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
It's been 18 months today since I found my dear husband of 29 years hanging in his shop. He will live in my heart forever!
I have already forgiven both my brother and my husband for not only leaving me, but leaving everyone who loved them!
It's time now, that I move on with my own life and let go. I have my life to live now, so Dale, I love you and I'll never forget you, but I have to move on and let go of you.
I know it will be very hard for me as it has been, but I also know that God will lead the way for me.
I want to be happy again. I want to laugh hard again. I want to be able to get out and have fun with my friends. I know that your up there with your father and mother now, and you all are with God. I'll see you someday in Heaven, but for now, I'm still on earth. I'll never forget you and you WILL live in my heart forever!
I love you, goodbye my love....
I have already forgiven both my brother and my husband for not only leaving me, but leaving everyone who loved them!
It's time now, that I move on with my own life and let go. I have my life to live now, so Dale, I love you and I'll never forget you, but I have to move on and let go of you.
I know it will be very hard for me as it has been, but I also know that God will lead the way for me.
I want to be happy again. I want to laugh hard again. I want to be able to get out and have fun with my friends. I know that your up there with your father and mother now, and you all are with God. I'll see you someday in Heaven, but for now, I'm still on earth. I'll never forget you and you WILL live in my heart forever!
I love you, goodbye my love....
Saturday, October 20, 2012
My Aunt called and told me that my brother, Michael had called her and said he was going to kill himself. I had no idea until my Aunt told me, that he had made this threat 2 other times before. Now this was the third.
My Aunt asked me if I thought he would do it. I said yes! I know he will! She asked me to try and call him and get online to try and talk to him. I called, but he didn't answer. I got online but when he saw me online, he got off right away.We both were on AOL at that time. I had that "gut" feeling again!
I was so upset, that I called my best friend, the one I've known since I was 5 years old. My brother used to call her "stinky". Not because she stunk, it was just his way of picking on her because he liked her. If my brother picked on someone, that meant he liked them.
I told her that my Aunt had called and said that Michael was threatening to kill himself. I was crying and told her that I know he will do it. I just knew he was going to go through with it. She tried to assure me that he wouldn't do that, but I kept telling her that he would.
My brother had pushed me out of his life. He pushed his friends out of his life. He didn't want me to know where he lived or his phone number. But I do thank the Lord that I got to talk to him quite a bit via email and on the phone the last year of his life.
I was so worried for the rest of the day. I was so stressed. I don't understand though, why didn't my Aunt give me his address. Just maybe I could have stopped him.
When you lose someone from suicide, there will always be those "What ifs, Could ofs, I should have and more." There is always a feeling of guilt. There are so many unanswered questions, even when you kind of know why.
The phone rang about 1:00 AM on January 1, 1998, New Years Day. I answered the phone, it was my Aunt. She said, "I just got a call from the coroners office". I screamed so loud that I woke up my husband and my daughter. I gave the phone to my husband and I went in the living room and just broke down and cried.
My only sibling, my only brother, was gone. He was only 41 years old. I found out where he lived after he died. What little he had left, went to me. My husband and I buried him. His car was parked in the garage. For 2 years I thought he was in his car. But one night while I was thinking about him, I asked my husband, "If he was in the car, how did his clothes get wet?" My husband said, "you dont' know do you?" I said, "no." He then told me that my brother had laid down by the exhaust pipe while his car was running in the garage. It had gotten so hot that the sprinkler system came on and the alarms.
Once again, my heart had been shattered to pieces!
I've lost my mother, my grandmother, my real father, my adoptive step father, an Uncle, my Aunt, a dear friend, more friends, more people than I could have ever imagined in my life. They were either sick or died in their sleep and one was killed in a single car accident. I felt horrible pain for all those loses, but when I lost my only brother from suicide, this kind of pain was something that I never had before. It was so much different! I don't know how to explain it, but it very different.
When I lost my husband from suicide, the pain was different than when my brother committed suicide. I was the one that found my husband. I think the pain is different and more unbearable when your the one who finds your loved one and knowing that there is nothing you can do, when they commit suicide.
I was in total shock when I found my husband. The worse thing about it, is that I was on the phone with our daughter when I found him. She later told me that when she heard me scream, she knew something happened, because the only other time she's ever heard me scream like that was when my brother committed suicide.
One thing that I've always hated, is I get these "gut" feelings about things and they end up happening. The last time that my husband and I made love, as we lay in each others arms, I knew it would be the last time we would ever make love again. I even told him that a few days later. It was the last time we had made love. I don't know how I knew, but I did.
I believe suicide runs in families. My husbands mother committed suicide. My husband committed suicide. When I was about 18 years old, I tried to commit suicide myself. I took a full bottle of pills, but I got really scared and had to call someone to come get me. But I will never again try to kill myself!
When someone takes their own life, because of how much pain they are in, the ones left behind are hurt the worse. Their pain continues on and on. But the individual who took their own life, their pain has stopped.
My Aunt asked me if I thought he would do it. I said yes! I know he will! She asked me to try and call him and get online to try and talk to him. I called, but he didn't answer. I got online but when he saw me online, he got off right away.We both were on AOL at that time. I had that "gut" feeling again!
I was so upset, that I called my best friend, the one I've known since I was 5 years old. My brother used to call her "stinky". Not because she stunk, it was just his way of picking on her because he liked her. If my brother picked on someone, that meant he liked them.
I told her that my Aunt had called and said that Michael was threatening to kill himself. I was crying and told her that I know he will do it. I just knew he was going to go through with it. She tried to assure me that he wouldn't do that, but I kept telling her that he would.
My brother had pushed me out of his life. He pushed his friends out of his life. He didn't want me to know where he lived or his phone number. But I do thank the Lord that I got to talk to him quite a bit via email and on the phone the last year of his life.
I was so worried for the rest of the day. I was so stressed. I don't understand though, why didn't my Aunt give me his address. Just maybe I could have stopped him.
When you lose someone from suicide, there will always be those "What ifs, Could ofs, I should have and more." There is always a feeling of guilt. There are so many unanswered questions, even when you kind of know why.
The phone rang about 1:00 AM on January 1, 1998, New Years Day. I answered the phone, it was my Aunt. She said, "I just got a call from the coroners office". I screamed so loud that I woke up my husband and my daughter. I gave the phone to my husband and I went in the living room and just broke down and cried.
My only sibling, my only brother, was gone. He was only 41 years old. I found out where he lived after he died. What little he had left, went to me. My husband and I buried him. His car was parked in the garage. For 2 years I thought he was in his car. But one night while I was thinking about him, I asked my husband, "If he was in the car, how did his clothes get wet?" My husband said, "you dont' know do you?" I said, "no." He then told me that my brother had laid down by the exhaust pipe while his car was running in the garage. It had gotten so hot that the sprinkler system came on and the alarms.
Once again, my heart had been shattered to pieces!
I've lost my mother, my grandmother, my real father, my adoptive step father, an Uncle, my Aunt, a dear friend, more friends, more people than I could have ever imagined in my life. They were either sick or died in their sleep and one was killed in a single car accident. I felt horrible pain for all those loses, but when I lost my only brother from suicide, this kind of pain was something that I never had before. It was so much different! I don't know how to explain it, but it very different.
When I lost my husband from suicide, the pain was different than when my brother committed suicide. I was the one that found my husband. I think the pain is different and more unbearable when your the one who finds your loved one and knowing that there is nothing you can do, when they commit suicide.
I was in total shock when I found my husband. The worse thing about it, is that I was on the phone with our daughter when I found him. She later told me that when she heard me scream, she knew something happened, because the only other time she's ever heard me scream like that was when my brother committed suicide.
One thing that I've always hated, is I get these "gut" feelings about things and they end up happening. The last time that my husband and I made love, as we lay in each others arms, I knew it would be the last time we would ever make love again. I even told him that a few days later. It was the last time we had made love. I don't know how I knew, but I did.
I believe suicide runs in families. My husbands mother committed suicide. My husband committed suicide. When I was about 18 years old, I tried to commit suicide myself. I took a full bottle of pills, but I got really scared and had to call someone to come get me. But I will never again try to kill myself!
When someone takes their own life, because of how much pain they are in, the ones left behind are hurt the worse. Their pain continues on and on. But the individual who took their own life, their pain has stopped.
Friday, October 19, 2012
After that, we left and went to my daughters house. The next day was a Saturday. That was the day of his funeral. I wanted to wait until Monday, but some just disagreed with me. I was in such shock that at the time it really didn't matter.
As I look back, to the day of the funeral, I looked horrible! All I did was put on a skirt and a top, nothing that was even pretty.
We got there a little early. There were flowers and plants and lots of pictures of him and I and our daughter. There was a beautiful puzzle piece that had his ashes in it. There is a large puzzle in the mausoleum and it is beautiful! His puzzle piece went to the puzzle.
As I stood there looking at everything, still thinking that this is all just a really bad dream, my old boss and dear friend came up to me. She told me she had been in the mountains and as soon as she heard, her and her husband turned around and came back. She said to me that she couldn't stay because she wasn't dressed properly. But she didn't leave before she told me some things that were very encouraging words. She is a wonderful lady!
As I sat next to my best friend that I've known since I was 5 years old, one my left side and my daughter on my right side, my daughter started crying. It tore me up to see her like that. I put my arm around her. That's all I knew to do. It really breaks my heart when I see her in that kind of pain!
Finally it was all over with and we went back to my daughters home. I think that night we all went to eat. All of my husbands family, my daughter and grandchildren, son-n-law. I had to force myself to eat a bowl of soup. Someone had told the waitresses and when we left and were standing outside, two of them hugged me and told me how sorry they were for my loss.
I'm not sure how long after my husband passed away, one of my grandsons said that he thinks a snake got around granddaddy's neck. I was not allowed to tell my grandchildren what really happened. I did tell him that is wasn't a snake. I just told him that granddaddy had an accident. They are not my children, so I had to respect what my daughter asked of me and I did.
I lost my mother when I was 11 years old. I didn't meet my real father until I was 25 years old. I was adopted by my step father in 1968. I was 8 years old.
I had one real brother and two step brothers. All of them were older than me.
My real brother and my oldest step brother had the same first and middle name. My real brother had his first name changed before we lost our mother.
Michael, my real brother was nearly 15 years old when our mother died. She had a rare type of brain tumor, called an Ependymoma. It was the size of a grapefruit which was also rare. This type is not hereditary.
We were devastated to say the least. I'll never forget the pain I felt for years after she died. I don't think any child should have to watch their mother die in the hospital, but I did. I was the youngest and didn't fully understand.
To this day, there are times that I really need my mother. I was raised without a mother and it made life very hard. I never forgot her. The pain I felt from her death was horrible!
Not long after she passed, my step father kicked my real brother, Michael out of the house. He got to go live with our grandmother. My step father would not allow me to go live with her. In fact, I was no longer allowed to see or speak to her. I was no longer allowed to see or speak to my only brother, Michael. I'll never forget sitting in the living room, watching my brother leave, leaving me there with people that I didn't belong to. I just sat and cried, while watching him walk out the door, then getting into our grandmothers car, leaving.
My grandmother and my brother would come to the high school, during lunch and I got to see them.
My step father re-married in December, just 8 months after my mothers death. The next year he was divorced and married again. This woman had a house in Florida.
We had to move to Florida. It was just me and my younger step brother. He was a year older than me. It wasn't long before the school knew something was going on.
I refused to dress out in PE. The teacher told me she would fail me if I didn't start dressing out. I was so upset! The other PE teacher called me in her office one day and I had to show her my back.
It wasn't long at all before my step brother and I were told that if he hit us again, to run out of the house as fast as we could and get to the nearest phone. We did, but the woman that we were supposed to call had gone out of town. So, we roamed around for 3 days and 3 nights. We were so hungry that we finally walked to the police department. They fed us and we ate every bit of what they gave us! We were taken to a shelter home. I was in about 7 different foster homes in less than a year.
My grandmother came to Florida and talked with the counselor's at school and DEFACS. They were in the process of giving her custody of me.
Over the Easter holidays, she sent me a ticket to fly back to Georgia to see her. I got to stay with her for a week! That was really fun. My brother and I had gone to see one of our uncles. When we got back home, she was crying and told us that we had to take her to the hospital. Before I left to go back to Florida, I saw her. I made her a promise that I did keep, it just took me a while.
I went back to foster care. I got a few letters from my Aunt. They were not good news.
I was very sick, deathly sick. I had to have surgery, but the doctor in Florida refused to do the surgery without seeing the actually x-rays from the previous surgeries. Why, I don't know. But I did know that if I didn't have the surgery, I would die.
I ran away from the foster home. Three days later one of my teachers knew that I was staying with a girlfriend from school. When she got home she told me he was parked up the street. She said that he needed to talk to me and he would not force me to get in his car. I had that gut feeling again. I walked up the road and talked with him. He told me that if I didn't get in the car with him and go to DEFACS that I would regret it for the rest of my life. So, I got in the car and went to DEFACS. My case worker called me in her office. That's when I found out that my grandmother had died. They had given her custody of me, but I never got to go live with her.
Again, my heart was shattered. The pain from losing her was devastating. She had died 2 days before I found out. I was not allowed to go to her funeral. She was buried next to my mother.
I had no choice but to go back and live with my step father, who had moved back to Georgia in the same house we grew up in. He made promises to me that he never kept. But he did take me to my doctor. My doctor put me in the hospital and did the surgery. A few days later I was taken to emergency surgery because of complications. I really thought I was going to die. I was extremely sick. I spent 3 weeks in the hospital. I went back home with my step father and my 3 step mother.
I just couldn't take it any more, so I ran away and turned myself in on a Friday night. I tried to tell them to call my case worker in Florida, but it was the weekend and they couldn't get in touch with her. My step father told them all kinds of lies about me and told them to keep me there. He said he didn't want me. So Juvenile Hall locked me up.
The following Monday my Aunt and Uncle picked me up. I lived with them for several years. I was 15 at the time. A year later my granddaddy died. I never got to meet my grandparents from my real fathers side. Again, my heart was broken.
From the time I was 15 until I was in my early twenties, I went through more hell than you could ever imagine.
Then I met my husband and my life got better. We had our ups and downs and arguments but we made it work.
On December 31, 1997, I got a call from my Aunt who now lived out of state. It was about my brother, Michael.
For the past 8 years he didn't want to see or talk to me. He pushed everyone out of his life. The last year of his life, he called me many times. We emailed each other many times. He asked me so many questions about our past, did this happen to you? Weren't you made to do this and that? I thought he knew, but I guess he wasn't sure. He always talked about the past.
During that last year of his life, he had told me that I was the strong one. I never thought I was strong at all. He said that I was the only one to get married and stay married. He had married twice and divorced twice. He had 2 daughters from his first marriage and 1 son from his second marriage. When he and his second wife divorced, they agreed that Michael wouldn't see his son and he wouldn't have to pay child support. I don't think he ever saw him again. He did get to see his daughters though.
It was New Years Eve when I got a call from my Aunt.
As I look back, to the day of the funeral, I looked horrible! All I did was put on a skirt and a top, nothing that was even pretty.
We got there a little early. There were flowers and plants and lots of pictures of him and I and our daughter. There was a beautiful puzzle piece that had his ashes in it. There is a large puzzle in the mausoleum and it is beautiful! His puzzle piece went to the puzzle.
As I stood there looking at everything, still thinking that this is all just a really bad dream, my old boss and dear friend came up to me. She told me she had been in the mountains and as soon as she heard, her and her husband turned around and came back. She said to me that she couldn't stay because she wasn't dressed properly. But she didn't leave before she told me some things that were very encouraging words. She is a wonderful lady!
As I sat next to my best friend that I've known since I was 5 years old, one my left side and my daughter on my right side, my daughter started crying. It tore me up to see her like that. I put my arm around her. That's all I knew to do. It really breaks my heart when I see her in that kind of pain!
Finally it was all over with and we went back to my daughters home. I think that night we all went to eat. All of my husbands family, my daughter and grandchildren, son-n-law. I had to force myself to eat a bowl of soup. Someone had told the waitresses and when we left and were standing outside, two of them hugged me and told me how sorry they were for my loss.
I'm not sure how long after my husband passed away, one of my grandsons said that he thinks a snake got around granddaddy's neck. I was not allowed to tell my grandchildren what really happened. I did tell him that is wasn't a snake. I just told him that granddaddy had an accident. They are not my children, so I had to respect what my daughter asked of me and I did.
I lost my mother when I was 11 years old. I didn't meet my real father until I was 25 years old. I was adopted by my step father in 1968. I was 8 years old.
I had one real brother and two step brothers. All of them were older than me.
My real brother and my oldest step brother had the same first and middle name. My real brother had his first name changed before we lost our mother.
Michael, my real brother was nearly 15 years old when our mother died. She had a rare type of brain tumor, called an Ependymoma. It was the size of a grapefruit which was also rare. This type is not hereditary.
We were devastated to say the least. I'll never forget the pain I felt for years after she died. I don't think any child should have to watch their mother die in the hospital, but I did. I was the youngest and didn't fully understand.
To this day, there are times that I really need my mother. I was raised without a mother and it made life very hard. I never forgot her. The pain I felt from her death was horrible!
Not long after she passed, my step father kicked my real brother, Michael out of the house. He got to go live with our grandmother. My step father would not allow me to go live with her. In fact, I was no longer allowed to see or speak to her. I was no longer allowed to see or speak to my only brother, Michael. I'll never forget sitting in the living room, watching my brother leave, leaving me there with people that I didn't belong to. I just sat and cried, while watching him walk out the door, then getting into our grandmothers car, leaving.
My grandmother and my brother would come to the high school, during lunch and I got to see them.
My step father re-married in December, just 8 months after my mothers death. The next year he was divorced and married again. This woman had a house in Florida.
We had to move to Florida. It was just me and my younger step brother. He was a year older than me. It wasn't long before the school knew something was going on.
I refused to dress out in PE. The teacher told me she would fail me if I didn't start dressing out. I was so upset! The other PE teacher called me in her office one day and I had to show her my back.
It wasn't long at all before my step brother and I were told that if he hit us again, to run out of the house as fast as we could and get to the nearest phone. We did, but the woman that we were supposed to call had gone out of town. So, we roamed around for 3 days and 3 nights. We were so hungry that we finally walked to the police department. They fed us and we ate every bit of what they gave us! We were taken to a shelter home. I was in about 7 different foster homes in less than a year.
My grandmother came to Florida and talked with the counselor's at school and DEFACS. They were in the process of giving her custody of me.
Over the Easter holidays, she sent me a ticket to fly back to Georgia to see her. I got to stay with her for a week! That was really fun. My brother and I had gone to see one of our uncles. When we got back home, she was crying and told us that we had to take her to the hospital. Before I left to go back to Florida, I saw her. I made her a promise that I did keep, it just took me a while.
I went back to foster care. I got a few letters from my Aunt. They were not good news.
I was very sick, deathly sick. I had to have surgery, but the doctor in Florida refused to do the surgery without seeing the actually x-rays from the previous surgeries. Why, I don't know. But I did know that if I didn't have the surgery, I would die.
I ran away from the foster home. Three days later one of my teachers knew that I was staying with a girlfriend from school. When she got home she told me he was parked up the street. She said that he needed to talk to me and he would not force me to get in his car. I had that gut feeling again. I walked up the road and talked with him. He told me that if I didn't get in the car with him and go to DEFACS that I would regret it for the rest of my life. So, I got in the car and went to DEFACS. My case worker called me in her office. That's when I found out that my grandmother had died. They had given her custody of me, but I never got to go live with her.
Again, my heart was shattered. The pain from losing her was devastating. She had died 2 days before I found out. I was not allowed to go to her funeral. She was buried next to my mother.
I had no choice but to go back and live with my step father, who had moved back to Georgia in the same house we grew up in. He made promises to me that he never kept. But he did take me to my doctor. My doctor put me in the hospital and did the surgery. A few days later I was taken to emergency surgery because of complications. I really thought I was going to die. I was extremely sick. I spent 3 weeks in the hospital. I went back home with my step father and my 3 step mother.
I just couldn't take it any more, so I ran away and turned myself in on a Friday night. I tried to tell them to call my case worker in Florida, but it was the weekend and they couldn't get in touch with her. My step father told them all kinds of lies about me and told them to keep me there. He said he didn't want me. So Juvenile Hall locked me up.
The following Monday my Aunt and Uncle picked me up. I lived with them for several years. I was 15 at the time. A year later my granddaddy died. I never got to meet my grandparents from my real fathers side. Again, my heart was broken.
From the time I was 15 until I was in my early twenties, I went through more hell than you could ever imagine.
Then I met my husband and my life got better. We had our ups and downs and arguments but we made it work.
On December 31, 1997, I got a call from my Aunt who now lived out of state. It was about my brother, Michael.
For the past 8 years he didn't want to see or talk to me. He pushed everyone out of his life. The last year of his life, he called me many times. We emailed each other many times. He asked me so many questions about our past, did this happen to you? Weren't you made to do this and that? I thought he knew, but I guess he wasn't sure. He always talked about the past.
During that last year of his life, he had told me that I was the strong one. I never thought I was strong at all. He said that I was the only one to get married and stay married. He had married twice and divorced twice. He had 2 daughters from his first marriage and 1 son from his second marriage. When he and his second wife divorced, they agreed that Michael wouldn't see his son and he wouldn't have to pay child support. I don't think he ever saw him again. He did get to see his daughters though.
It was New Years Eve when I got a call from my Aunt.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
The next morning when I woke up, I sinced something was wrong. I noticed that our bedroom door was closed. The only time that my husband closed our bedroom door was when he needed to fluff his clothes. I didn't hear the dryer running and I didn't hear the shower water running. I thought he was on the front porch having his coffee, just like he did every day. Even though I had a gut feeling something was wrong, I went back to sleep. I don't know what time it was. I didn't look at the clock.
I woke up again, still having this since of feeling that something was wrong. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth and got my robe on. The bedroom door was still closed. I opened the bedroom door and I heard nothing. It was so very quite. I saw his shoes in the living room, right where he laid them every night.
That's when I got our cell phone and I called our daughter. I saw his wallet on the kitchen table. I just knew something was wrong, I just didn't know what. I asked my daughter if she had heard from her dad. She said, "no." I told her that I saw where his shoes were, his wallet was on the kitchen table and she asked me, "Is the Durango there?" I said, "Yes." By this time I was outside. He was no where in the house. He had made a pot of coffee when he got up, but he never drank a cup. My daughter asked me, "Is the 4-wheeler there?" " I said yes". I decided the only other place to look was in his shop.
The door to the shop was always closed unless he was outside doing things. I turned around and as soon as I turned the knob and realized it wasn't locked, there he was, hanging from the rafters in his shop. I screamed so loud! I still had the phone in my hand but not up to my ear. I just kept screaming and I started to run. Then I realized that I needed to get him down. But when I looked back at him, he was so still and pale. He was gone. There was nothing that I could do. I did run in the house. I sat on the sofa and held the phone up to my ear. My daughter had already hung up and called 911.
I thought I was going to pass out so I sat on the floor and kept putting my head down towards my knees. I called 911 and told the operator that I think my husband is dead. She said, "Why do you think he's dead?" I said, "Because I found him hanging in his shop." She stayed on the phone with me until the police got there. It seemed like forever! I don't even remember if their sirens were on.
I kept saying that I was feeling like I was going to pass out so I kept putting my head towards my knees. I do remember telling the 911 operator that I want him back. I told her, "Why didn't he take me with him?" I just thought it was a bad dream.
A very nice police woman came in the front door. I hung up with the 911 operator. In came more police, detectives and paramedics. I know there were more police, detectives and the coroner outside. I just never saw them.
I thought it was a really bad dream and when I woke up, I'd be in my own bed. But when I opened my eyes, all these people were in our house. The detective asked me if we had been arguing. I said, "No." I said, "He was depressed because his business of 32 years was just gone and our house was in foreclosure."
They put me on a gurney and took me to the ER. Several of his brothers and sister came to the hospital. Then someone brought our daughter. My heart ached for her. She had lost her daddy. I hugged her as she hugged me. It really seemed like a long hug. I told her I was so sorry. I had tried to help him, but he wouldn't listen to me.
The ER let me go several hours later. The doctor told the family members that were at the hospital with me, to not let me be alone that night. So my sweet daughter took me home with her.
I remember her telling 3 of our grandsons that granddaddy died today. He's in Heaven now. The two oldest cried. The younger one really didn't understand. My heart just ached for them too. They all loved their granddaddy!
.
My daughter's mother-n-law came to the house the next day. No one would let me be alone. I think they were all afraid that I would take my own life. I just may have, if I had of gone home. I was in such shock! I don't think I ate anything for 3 days.
My daughter, her husband, her in-laws, my husbands step brother and step sister were at the funeral home the next day making arrangements. I was in a daze to say the least.
I was sitting next to my daughter. The man at the Funeral Home gave me some papers but I didn't have my glasses. My daughter took the papers and signed them for me. I thought that was very sweet of her. I didn't get to pick out anything, but that's OK. As I said, I was in total shock!
As I was talking with the man at the Funeral Home, he had asked me if I wanted him buried or cremated. I began to talk. I said, "I'd rather bury him but he wanted to be cremated". As soon as the word "bury" came out of my mouth, my daughter dropped her hand on the table as if she slapped the table! She didn't let me finish speaking, but I did. I told them that my husband wanted to be cremated. So, I had him cremated.
The viewing was the day after my husband left us. Since he was being cremated, they didn't imbomb him. He just looked like he was sleeping.
When I got there, I saw so many people. I had a hard time going in the room my husband was in. But I did, I made it and I sat down in the chair next to him.
When everyone else left, my daughter's mother-n-law was still by my side. I asked my husbands sister to stay in the room with me. I had his sister on one side of me and my daughters mother-n-law on the other side of me. I leaned over and kissed him goodbye. I think I kissed him about 4 or 5 times. He was so cold. He hated to be cold.
I woke up again, still having this since of feeling that something was wrong. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth and got my robe on. The bedroom door was still closed. I opened the bedroom door and I heard nothing. It was so very quite. I saw his shoes in the living room, right where he laid them every night.
That's when I got our cell phone and I called our daughter. I saw his wallet on the kitchen table. I just knew something was wrong, I just didn't know what. I asked my daughter if she had heard from her dad. She said, "no." I told her that I saw where his shoes were, his wallet was on the kitchen table and she asked me, "Is the Durango there?" I said, "Yes." By this time I was outside. He was no where in the house. He had made a pot of coffee when he got up, but he never drank a cup. My daughter asked me, "Is the 4-wheeler there?" " I said yes". I decided the only other place to look was in his shop.
The door to the shop was always closed unless he was outside doing things. I turned around and as soon as I turned the knob and realized it wasn't locked, there he was, hanging from the rafters in his shop. I screamed so loud! I still had the phone in my hand but not up to my ear. I just kept screaming and I started to run. Then I realized that I needed to get him down. But when I looked back at him, he was so still and pale. He was gone. There was nothing that I could do. I did run in the house. I sat on the sofa and held the phone up to my ear. My daughter had already hung up and called 911.
I thought I was going to pass out so I sat on the floor and kept putting my head down towards my knees. I called 911 and told the operator that I think my husband is dead. She said, "Why do you think he's dead?" I said, "Because I found him hanging in his shop." She stayed on the phone with me until the police got there. It seemed like forever! I don't even remember if their sirens were on.
I kept saying that I was feeling like I was going to pass out so I kept putting my head towards my knees. I do remember telling the 911 operator that I want him back. I told her, "Why didn't he take me with him?" I just thought it was a bad dream.
A very nice police woman came in the front door. I hung up with the 911 operator. In came more police, detectives and paramedics. I know there were more police, detectives and the coroner outside. I just never saw them.
I thought it was a really bad dream and when I woke up, I'd be in my own bed. But when I opened my eyes, all these people were in our house. The detective asked me if we had been arguing. I said, "No." I said, "He was depressed because his business of 32 years was just gone and our house was in foreclosure."
They put me on a gurney and took me to the ER. Several of his brothers and sister came to the hospital. Then someone brought our daughter. My heart ached for her. She had lost her daddy. I hugged her as she hugged me. It really seemed like a long hug. I told her I was so sorry. I had tried to help him, but he wouldn't listen to me.
The ER let me go several hours later. The doctor told the family members that were at the hospital with me, to not let me be alone that night. So my sweet daughter took me home with her.
I remember her telling 3 of our grandsons that granddaddy died today. He's in Heaven now. The two oldest cried. The younger one really didn't understand. My heart just ached for them too. They all loved their granddaddy!
.
My daughter's mother-n-law came to the house the next day. No one would let me be alone. I think they were all afraid that I would take my own life. I just may have, if I had of gone home. I was in such shock! I don't think I ate anything for 3 days.
My daughter, her husband, her in-laws, my husbands step brother and step sister were at the funeral home the next day making arrangements. I was in a daze to say the least.
I was sitting next to my daughter. The man at the Funeral Home gave me some papers but I didn't have my glasses. My daughter took the papers and signed them for me. I thought that was very sweet of her. I didn't get to pick out anything, but that's OK. As I said, I was in total shock!
As I was talking with the man at the Funeral Home, he had asked me if I wanted him buried or cremated. I began to talk. I said, "I'd rather bury him but he wanted to be cremated". As soon as the word "bury" came out of my mouth, my daughter dropped her hand on the table as if she slapped the table! She didn't let me finish speaking, but I did. I told them that my husband wanted to be cremated. So, I had him cremated.
The viewing was the day after my husband left us. Since he was being cremated, they didn't imbomb him. He just looked like he was sleeping.
When I got there, I saw so many people. I had a hard time going in the room my husband was in. But I did, I made it and I sat down in the chair next to him.
When everyone else left, my daughter's mother-n-law was still by my side. I asked my husbands sister to stay in the room with me. I had his sister on one side of me and my daughters mother-n-law on the other side of me. I leaned over and kissed him goodbye. I think I kissed him about 4 or 5 times. He was so cold. He hated to be cold.
For all of you who are reading my blog, do not think I'm feeling sorry for myself, I'm not! Do not feel sorry for me and please do not have pity for me. I'm writing this for a couple of reasons. One is because I was told by one of my counselors that it would be therapeutic. The other reason is that I hope someone, some where, will read this and just maybe, they will not take their own life. Just
Several years later, his father got remarried to a woman who had 4 children. His father had 3 of his own. So now there were 7 children. They had a child together and that made 8! Eight is great! :)
There were a lot of wonderful times that we spent with his parents, brothers and sisters, on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Easter we'd hide eggs and watch the children find them. Once we all went to Florida for a week. That was a lot of fun too. Those were the good times. I remember that my husband, his father, a couple of his brothers and me went deep sea fishing. That was so much fun!
When you marry someone you love, you become one. We had our ups and downs, but we made it work. We always would check on each other. We loved each other.
The last 2 Christmas's we spent together, we were not able to give each other a gift. The 3rd to the last Christmas he gave me a small gift that I love and will keep it forever! The last Christmas we spent together, we had no gift for each other, but we did have was each other! I did wrap up my Great Granddaddy's magnifying glass and gave it to him. He wouldn't wear his reading glasses at work, but he loved the magnifying glass.
We received a letter from the bank one day. It said that our house would be auctioned off, on of all days, his birthday! We didn't know anything about foreclosure. We thought that it was going to be gone on that day, May 3, 2011.
I began packing things up. I had boxes in the living room and the library. After work and on the weekends we would go looking for a house to rent. One night we went to look at a house. It wasn't anything like ours. My husband and I both loved where we lived. It was like a cabin in the woods! He did not want to move. He tried many times talking with Bank of America for help, but they just kept putting us off. The house we saw that night wasn't what either of us wanted but we filled out the form anyway. I was taking pictures as we were outside. My husband was walking in front of me. I asked him to turn around and let me take his picture. He didn't turn around, so I took a picture of him from the back. I look at that picture now and you can tell just from looking at him from the back that he was a broken man. The agent told us that filing for bankruptcy was the best we could do. My husband had already filed, but it wasn't finished yet. He paid our attorney half. Later on I paid the rest. The agent said it will give us a new start and things would be better. The agent had looked at me and asked me if I was ok. I told him I was, but I was nervous about everything, so was my husband.
On the way home that night, I noticed that my husband was fixing to take a wrong turn. I said to him, "Where are you going?" He said, "I don't know." He said on the way home that he didn't know how we were going to make it. I tried to tell him that some how, some way, we would make it. I always told him that things could be a lot worse, even though they were bad as it was at that time. I told him that our child could die, one of our grandchildren could die.
That night when we got home, he fixed dinner. He loved pasta! We would get the pasta mixed with veggies or shrimp. That night we had pasta with shrimp. Little did I know that that would be his last meal.
I sat down right in front of him that night so I could see him eye to eye. My exact words were, "If God came down right now and asked me to choose between you or the house, everything in it and our dogs, I would choose you!" We can always find a home for the dogs, I said. I told him how much I loved him and that I couldn't live without him. I told him we needed each other to get through this. Then I sat on the sofa while he watched TV. I feel asleep. I woke up and as always, either him or I would say, "Are you ready to go to bed now?" We would get up together and go to bed. One thing that was funny about that, was when we would say, "Are you ready to go to bed?" the dogs jumped off the sofa and went into the bedroom.
I can still see him sitting in his chair that night. I had no idea what was to come next.
maybe they will realize just how painful it is for those left behind.
Taking your own life is the most selfish act anyone can do! It's the easy way out. The people that are left behind, those are the ones that hurt the most.
Several years later, his father got remarried to a woman who had 4 children. His father had 3 of his own. So now there were 7 children. They had a child together and that made 8! Eight is great! :)
There were a lot of wonderful times that we spent with his parents, brothers and sisters, on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Easter we'd hide eggs and watch the children find them. Once we all went to Florida for a week. That was a lot of fun too. Those were the good times. I remember that my husband, his father, a couple of his brothers and me went deep sea fishing. That was so much fun!
When you marry someone you love, you become one. We had our ups and downs, but we made it work. We always would check on each other. We loved each other.
The last 2 Christmas's we spent together, we were not able to give each other a gift. The 3rd to the last Christmas he gave me a small gift that I love and will keep it forever! The last Christmas we spent together, we had no gift for each other, but we did have was each other! I did wrap up my Great Granddaddy's magnifying glass and gave it to him. He wouldn't wear his reading glasses at work, but he loved the magnifying glass.
We received a letter from the bank one day. It said that our house would be auctioned off, on of all days, his birthday! We didn't know anything about foreclosure. We thought that it was going to be gone on that day, May 3, 2011.
I began packing things up. I had boxes in the living room and the library. After work and on the weekends we would go looking for a house to rent. One night we went to look at a house. It wasn't anything like ours. My husband and I both loved where we lived. It was like a cabin in the woods! He did not want to move. He tried many times talking with Bank of America for help, but they just kept putting us off. The house we saw that night wasn't what either of us wanted but we filled out the form anyway. I was taking pictures as we were outside. My husband was walking in front of me. I asked him to turn around and let me take his picture. He didn't turn around, so I took a picture of him from the back. I look at that picture now and you can tell just from looking at him from the back that he was a broken man. The agent told us that filing for bankruptcy was the best we could do. My husband had already filed, but it wasn't finished yet. He paid our attorney half. Later on I paid the rest. The agent said it will give us a new start and things would be better. The agent had looked at me and asked me if I was ok. I told him I was, but I was nervous about everything, so was my husband.
On the way home that night, I noticed that my husband was fixing to take a wrong turn. I said to him, "Where are you going?" He said, "I don't know." He said on the way home that he didn't know how we were going to make it. I tried to tell him that some how, some way, we would make it. I always told him that things could be a lot worse, even though they were bad as it was at that time. I told him that our child could die, one of our grandchildren could die.
That night when we got home, he fixed dinner. He loved pasta! We would get the pasta mixed with veggies or shrimp. That night we had pasta with shrimp. Little did I know that that would be his last meal.
I sat down right in front of him that night so I could see him eye to eye. My exact words were, "If God came down right now and asked me to choose between you or the house, everything in it and our dogs, I would choose you!" We can always find a home for the dogs, I said. I told him how much I loved him and that I couldn't live without him. I told him we needed each other to get through this. Then I sat on the sofa while he watched TV. I feel asleep. I woke up and as always, either him or I would say, "Are you ready to go to bed now?" We would get up together and go to bed. One thing that was funny about that, was when we would say, "Are you ready to go to bed?" the dogs jumped off the sofa and went into the bedroom.
I can still see him sitting in his chair that night. I had no idea what was to come next.
maybe they will realize just how painful it is for those left behind.
Taking your own life is the most selfish act anyone can do! It's the easy way out. The people that are left behind, those are the ones that hurt the most.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Several years later, his father got remarried to a woman who had 4 children. His father had 3 of his own. So now there were 7 children. They had a child together and that made 8! Eight is great! :)
There were a lot of wonderful times that we spent with his parents, brothers and sisters, on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Easter we'd hide eggs and watch the children find them. Once we all went to Florida for a week. That was a lot of fun too. Those were the good times. I remember that my husband, his father, a couple of his brothers and me went deep sea fishing. That was so much fun!
When you marry someone you love, you become one. We had our ups and downs, but we made it work. We always would check on each other. We loved each other.
The last 2 Christmas's we spent together, we were not able to give each other a gift. The 3rd to the last Christmas he gave me a small gift that I love and will keep it forever! The last Christmas we spent together, we had no gift for each other, but we did have was each other! I did wrap up my Great Granddaddy's magnifying glass and gave it to him. He wouldn't wear his reading glasses at work, but he loved the magnifying glass.
We received a letter from the bank one day. It said that our house would be auctioned off, on of all days, his birthday! We didn't know anything about foreclosure. We thought that it was going to be gone on that day, May 3, 2011.
I began packing things up. I had boxes in the living room and the library. After work and on the weekends we would go looking for a house to rent. One night we went to look at a house. It wasn't anything like ours. My husband and I both loved where we lived. It was like a cabin in the woods! He did not want to move. He tried many times talking with Bank of America for help, but they just kept putting us off. The house we saw that night wasn't what either of us wanted but we filled out the form anyway. I was taking pictures as we were outside. My husband was walking in front of me. I asked him to turn around and let me take his picture. He didn't turn around, so I took a picture of him from the back. I look at that picture now and you can tell just from looking at him from the back that he was a broken man. The agent told us that filing for bankruptcy was the best we could do. My husband had already filed, but it wasn't finished yet. He paid our attorney half. Later on I paid the rest. The agent said it will give us a new start and things would be better. The agent had looked at me and asked me if I was ok. I told him I was, but I was nervous about everything, so was my husband.
On the way home that night, I noticed that my husband was fixing to take a wrong turn. I said to him, "Where are you going?" He said, "I don't know." He said on the way home that he didn't know how we were going to make it. I tried to tell him that some how, some way, we would make it. I always told him that things could be a lot worse, even though they were bad as it was at that time. I told him that our child could die, one of our grandchildren could die.
That night when we got home, he fixed dinner. He loved pasta! We would get the pasta mixed with veggies or shrimp. That night we had pasta with shrimp. Little did I know that that would be his last meal.
I sat down right in front of him that night so I could see him eye to eye. My exact words were, "If God came down right now and asked me to choose between you or the house, everything in it and our dogs, I would choose you!" We can always find a home for the dogs, I said. I told him how much I loved him and that I couldn't live without him. I told him we needed each other to get through this. Then I sat on the sofa while he watched TV. I feel asleep. I woke up and as always, either him or I would say, "Are you ready to go to bed now?" We would get up together and go to bed. One thing that was funny about that, was when we would say, "Are you ready to go to bed?" the dogs jumped off the sofa and went into the bedroom.
I can still see him sitting in his chair that night. I had no idea what was to come next.
There were a lot of wonderful times that we spent with his parents, brothers and sisters, on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Easter we'd hide eggs and watch the children find them. Once we all went to Florida for a week. That was a lot of fun too. Those were the good times. I remember that my husband, his father, a couple of his brothers and me went deep sea fishing. That was so much fun!
When you marry someone you love, you become one. We had our ups and downs, but we made it work. We always would check on each other. We loved each other.
The last 2 Christmas's we spent together, we were not able to give each other a gift. The 3rd to the last Christmas he gave me a small gift that I love and will keep it forever! The last Christmas we spent together, we had no gift for each other, but we did have was each other! I did wrap up my Great Granddaddy's magnifying glass and gave it to him. He wouldn't wear his reading glasses at work, but he loved the magnifying glass.
We received a letter from the bank one day. It said that our house would be auctioned off, on of all days, his birthday! We didn't know anything about foreclosure. We thought that it was going to be gone on that day, May 3, 2011.
I began packing things up. I had boxes in the living room and the library. After work and on the weekends we would go looking for a house to rent. One night we went to look at a house. It wasn't anything like ours. My husband and I both loved where we lived. It was like a cabin in the woods! He did not want to move. He tried many times talking with Bank of America for help, but they just kept putting us off. The house we saw that night wasn't what either of us wanted but we filled out the form anyway. I was taking pictures as we were outside. My husband was walking in front of me. I asked him to turn around and let me take his picture. He didn't turn around, so I took a picture of him from the back. I look at that picture now and you can tell just from looking at him from the back that he was a broken man. The agent told us that filing for bankruptcy was the best we could do. My husband had already filed, but it wasn't finished yet. He paid our attorney half. Later on I paid the rest. The agent said it will give us a new start and things would be better. The agent had looked at me and asked me if I was ok. I told him I was, but I was nervous about everything, so was my husband.
On the way home that night, I noticed that my husband was fixing to take a wrong turn. I said to him, "Where are you going?" He said, "I don't know." He said on the way home that he didn't know how we were going to make it. I tried to tell him that some how, some way, we would make it. I always told him that things could be a lot worse, even though they were bad as it was at that time. I told him that our child could die, one of our grandchildren could die.
That night when we got home, he fixed dinner. He loved pasta! We would get the pasta mixed with veggies or shrimp. That night we had pasta with shrimp. Little did I know that that would be his last meal.
I sat down right in front of him that night so I could see him eye to eye. My exact words were, "If God came down right now and asked me to choose between you or the house, everything in it and our dogs, I would choose you!" We can always find a home for the dogs, I said. I told him how much I loved him and that I couldn't live without him. I told him we needed each other to get through this. Then I sat on the sofa while he watched TV. I feel asleep. I woke up and as always, either him or I would say, "Are you ready to go to bed now?" We would get up together and go to bed. One thing that was funny about that, was when we would say, "Are you ready to go to bed?" the dogs jumped off the sofa and went into the bedroom.
I can still see him sitting in his chair that night. I had no idea what was to come next.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
My Journey through grief as a survivor from the losses of suicide
Hi.... I've decided to write about my Journey through grief as a survivor from the losses of suicide. I'm not a good writer, but I can write poetry well. Please over look any misspellings and punctuations.
On February 14, 1981, I went to a Valentines party that I really did not want to go to. The guy kept calling me and finally I said I'd go under two conditions. One, was to take me home when I'm ready to go. Two, do not be drunk. He said ok, so I went.
I sat in a chair the whole time. I noticed a nice looking guy come in with his date. He sat beside me and we talked for a while.
When I was ready to go home, the "guy" was drunk and did not take me home when I wanted to leave.
About a week later, I asked a girl at work to call the man I met that night and see if he would go out with me. She did and he said, "I don't want anything to do with any of the girls there except the one who sat in the chair. Yippee for me! He took me out on a date. We went to the Western Sizzler and had a steak dinner. I could hardly eat because not long before I met him, my right lung completely collapsed, twice! I had to have a chest tube put in both times. Seems like all I did was cough.
I had warned him that I was sick when I was born and I've been sick ever since. But he didn't mind and I thought that was special. Of course he didn't want me to be sick.
We got married a year later. We were married for 29 years, 1 month and 25 days. We were together for 30 years, 1 month and 25 days. It just wasn't long enough for me. However I am thankfull that I had the years I did with him.
He and his dad worked together for 32 years from what he told me. His dad got sick and passed away while in the hospital. But before he passed away, my husband would come home and would sit down, raise up his hands, and say "I think I'm having some kind of a breakdown." His hands were shaking. I would hold him in my arms and tell him how much I loved him. But it got worse after the passing of his father.
The last year of my husbands life went down hill. Everyone told him, "it will get better". It didn't, it got worse.
My husband made good money, but when the economy got bad, his business went down hill. He would go several months at a time without getting paid. Eventually our money ran out. Our house was in foreclosure. Obama was the president. Bank of America wouldn't help us. Several times we went without heat and hot water. We lost our health insurance, life insurance, home phone, internet service, cell phone and more.
About a year before I lost my husband, he left for work as he did everyday. I always called him around 10:00 AM. He'd call me after lunch and before he left the office to come home. I called him around 10:00 AM. He wasn't there. A few hours later, he still wasn't there. I had a bad feeling. 6:00 PM came and no one had seen nor heard from him. I had to call the police and report him missing. At 8:30 PM that night he came in the door. I had just hung up the phone. I had called all the hospitals to see if he was there. I don't know how to describe the look on his face, but I asked him, "Where have you been?" He said, "Do you really want to know?" Yes, I wanted to know! He said, "I was at Stone Mountain. I climbed it and stayed there all day and did a lot of thinking. I was going to jump off and kill myself." I cried and hugged him and told him that I loved him and I couldn't live without him. I needed him and he needed me! That night we talked a little and he promised me that he would never take his own life and I made the same promise to him. He also agreed that he would call me every day when he got to work. That way I knew he was ok. He did call, for a while.
The last year of his life, we talked a lot about death, burial, cremation, prayer, God and many other things. He told me that he wanted to be cremated. He didn't say where he wanted his ashes to be.
Every now and then he would still come home, shaking and I would do the same thing, hold him in my arms and tell him how much I loved him.
He began to lose weight. He lost 30 lbs and he wasn't a big man. He would say things to me out of the blue, like "Don't ask me to make you anymore promises." What in the world did he mean by that? At the time I had no idea.
One day we were sitting together on the front steps. I asked him if he prays. He said yes. I asked him if he believed in God, he said yes. I asked him if he believed that Jesus died to save you from your sins and give you eternal life. He said, "I guess." I took that as a yes. I told him do not give up and keep praying. He just looked at me and said, "God isn't answering my prayers." I told him that God hears you, but He will only answer your prayers in His time.
When my husband was about 8 years old, he woke up and couldn't find his mother. He had a younger brother and sister still asleep. He heard the car running in the garage. He went in the garage, opened the car door and his mother slid, she was gone. I've heard two stories. One was that she slid to the side and knocked him down, two, that she just fell against him. My husband called his daddy at work and told him.
I just cannot imagine what it would be like to be 8 years old and find your mother dead, from suicide.
I believe suicide runs in families. You may ask, why? Keep reading and following my journey and I'll tell you.
On February 14, 1981, I went to a Valentines party that I really did not want to go to. The guy kept calling me and finally I said I'd go under two conditions. One, was to take me home when I'm ready to go. Two, do not be drunk. He said ok, so I went.
I sat in a chair the whole time. I noticed a nice looking guy come in with his date. He sat beside me and we talked for a while.
When I was ready to go home, the "guy" was drunk and did not take me home when I wanted to leave.
About a week later, I asked a girl at work to call the man I met that night and see if he would go out with me. She did and he said, "I don't want anything to do with any of the girls there except the one who sat in the chair. Yippee for me! He took me out on a date. We went to the Western Sizzler and had a steak dinner. I could hardly eat because not long before I met him, my right lung completely collapsed, twice! I had to have a chest tube put in both times. Seems like all I did was cough.
I had warned him that I was sick when I was born and I've been sick ever since. But he didn't mind and I thought that was special. Of course he didn't want me to be sick.
We got married a year later. We were married for 29 years, 1 month and 25 days. We were together for 30 years, 1 month and 25 days. It just wasn't long enough for me. However I am thankfull that I had the years I did with him.
He and his dad worked together for 32 years from what he told me. His dad got sick and passed away while in the hospital. But before he passed away, my husband would come home and would sit down, raise up his hands, and say "I think I'm having some kind of a breakdown." His hands were shaking. I would hold him in my arms and tell him how much I loved him. But it got worse after the passing of his father.
The last year of my husbands life went down hill. Everyone told him, "it will get better". It didn't, it got worse.
My husband made good money, but when the economy got bad, his business went down hill. He would go several months at a time without getting paid. Eventually our money ran out. Our house was in foreclosure. Obama was the president. Bank of America wouldn't help us. Several times we went without heat and hot water. We lost our health insurance, life insurance, home phone, internet service, cell phone and more.
About a year before I lost my husband, he left for work as he did everyday. I always called him around 10:00 AM. He'd call me after lunch and before he left the office to come home. I called him around 10:00 AM. He wasn't there. A few hours later, he still wasn't there. I had a bad feeling. 6:00 PM came and no one had seen nor heard from him. I had to call the police and report him missing. At 8:30 PM that night he came in the door. I had just hung up the phone. I had called all the hospitals to see if he was there. I don't know how to describe the look on his face, but I asked him, "Where have you been?" He said, "Do you really want to know?" Yes, I wanted to know! He said, "I was at Stone Mountain. I climbed it and stayed there all day and did a lot of thinking. I was going to jump off and kill myself." I cried and hugged him and told him that I loved him and I couldn't live without him. I needed him and he needed me! That night we talked a little and he promised me that he would never take his own life and I made the same promise to him. He also agreed that he would call me every day when he got to work. That way I knew he was ok. He did call, for a while.
The last year of his life, we talked a lot about death, burial, cremation, prayer, God and many other things. He told me that he wanted to be cremated. He didn't say where he wanted his ashes to be.
Every now and then he would still come home, shaking and I would do the same thing, hold him in my arms and tell him how much I loved him.
He began to lose weight. He lost 30 lbs and he wasn't a big man. He would say things to me out of the blue, like "Don't ask me to make you anymore promises." What in the world did he mean by that? At the time I had no idea.
One day we were sitting together on the front steps. I asked him if he prays. He said yes. I asked him if he believed in God, he said yes. I asked him if he believed that Jesus died to save you from your sins and give you eternal life. He said, "I guess." I took that as a yes. I told him do not give up and keep praying. He just looked at me and said, "God isn't answering my prayers." I told him that God hears you, but He will only answer your prayers in His time.
When my husband was about 8 years old, he woke up and couldn't find his mother. He had a younger brother and sister still asleep. He heard the car running in the garage. He went in the garage, opened the car door and his mother slid, she was gone. I've heard two stories. One was that she slid to the side and knocked him down, two, that she just fell against him. My husband called his daddy at work and told him.
I just cannot imagine what it would be like to be 8 years old and find your mother dead, from suicide.
I believe suicide runs in families. You may ask, why? Keep reading and following my journey and I'll tell you.
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