Today wasn't a good day for me. Sometimes when I'm thinking I can't figure out if my way of thinking is just 'having another bad day' or is what I'm thinking real. Is what I'm thinking right or wrong...

I still carry so much guilt. The more I think, the worse it gets. I still have so many questions and I'll never get an answer.

It's hard to find a purpose in life right now, but I know there is. My grandchildren are. They are keeping me going.

I can't quilt or sew, I can't scrapbook, I can't read a good book...

Sometimes I think back when my grandmother passed away.  I wander why she gave up on her grandchildren and died. I was told that she had just given up. I beginning to think I know why now, just a little bit.

I though things would be different after 2 years, 3 months and 9 days. Oh my, things ARE different alright. 

I miss my friends and I miss Conyers. It's just 2 hours away. I've been back to Conyers once since I moved in March. I have to be in Conyers again in September.

I'm moving on, but I've not let go of my Dale...not sure I can. He was a good man. I loved him, cherished the ground he walked on too. I had no clue that he was going to hurt himself. If I had only got up the first time I woke up, if I had only seen the signs and yet they were right in front of me the whole time. Some still blame me and that really tears me up inside. I'm not even sure that my husband really truly loved me, why would he leave if he did?

I still feel alone, lonely and just lost. Will it ever get any better? I still cannot see past what's right in front of me.

Just another bad day in the life of a widow who dearly misses her Husband...

The last time I wrote on my blog, I said that no one was listening. I've also gone back and rewrote the last entry. I realize that there are people who are listening/reading. Some read, some don't. Some leave messages, some don't, I just wish people would at least ask me how I'm doing since my husbands death. His family never ask me how I'm doing and that hurts.

Grief is a strange thing. It will eventually happen to all of us. We all will suffer a great loss in our lives. I do believe that people react differently to each loss. I know I have. I lost my entire family. I have an Uncle and 3 cousins and of course my daughter, son-n-law and my grandsons. I also have cousins from my fathers side of the family that I knew nothing about until I found my real Father. I grew up not knowing any of them. That makes it hard to have them in my life.

Grief can make you think your losing your mind! I still cannot think straight, I can't sleep well, I still have dreams about him, I wake up in the middle of the night calling out his name. I don't know what I was thinking but I thought things would be better by now. In one way they are, but in other ways they are not. I know as time goes on it will become somewhat easier to live with the suicides in my family. The worse death I've ever had to deal with is the loss of my husband.

My husband has been gone 2 years and 3 months today. It's hard to believe it's been that long. I have no interest in dating or meeting another man at this time in my life, even though I'm so very lonely and alone.

I know I'm moving on, but I still cannot let go, and I don't think I will until I meet someone else one day, IF I ever do.

I saw a group on Facebook called SOS-Survivors of Suicide. I'm going to try and read more from the people of that group. Maybe it will help in some small way.

I really miss going to grief counseling. I thought I had made new friends. Since I've moved I've had no counseling and don't intend to either. I can't help but wander if I should have moved from my home town. I have no friends here. I do have my grandsons here and they are what keeps me going.

I went to a church service one morning, but I didn't like it at all.

Until another day...