I didn't get much sleep last night. I had my 4 grandsons with me. My SIL was still in ICU and my daughter sounded so very tired over the phone. She stayed by his side and only left to go home to get a shower, change clothes and grab some clothes for the boys. She's like her father. As many times as I've been in the hospital, my husband stayed with me over night, most nights. He'd hold my hand with they put the IV's in. Once I had to have a main line and that hurts! I nearly broke his hand from holding on so tight. He had to have loved me a lot to stay so many times as he did. And I loved him for it.
My husband was a great man! But now that I've had 4 years to think about a lot of things, I think when he found his mother dead from suicide, at the age of 8 years old, it did something to him. He was the oldest of three. So there really is 3 suicides in my family. My daughter has it on both sides of her parents and that really hurts me. Her grandmother that she never got to meet, her uncle, that she does remember and her daddy that she'll never forget.
Memories rained in my brain as I lay in bed tossing and turning, last night. So many flash backs came to me. I didn't get to sleep until around 4:00 am.
I still dream of my husband and sometimes my brother. The pain I feel over all the losses I've had in my life, are so painful, that there isn't any words to describe it.
Today is a happy day!! My SIL was released from ICU and sent home. When they came to pick up the boys, I brought him a sprite zero and hugged him and told him that I loved him. We've had our differences, but when it comes to nearly losing your life, all the differences in the world just doesn't matter any more. He makes my daughter happy and that's all that matter's to me. The love between my daughter and him, is like a love that I've never seen in them before, until now.
It's beautiful outside! I can still smell the fresh cut grass.
I have realized that my life is worth living. I have dreams, that I hope come true one day. Some of my dreams are to get my book of poetry that I wrote published. I want a song taken from this journal, written and sang by one of my most favorite singer's. I want my piano tuned, but a new one would be great! But that will never happen. I want to learn how to play the guitar. I want to write a book about my life. My brother wanted that for me. He said I should do it. Even my Doctor said I should, but I'm not a writer as you can see if you've read my entire blog. It needs to be edited. I want to learn sign language and learn to speak Spanish. But these are just dreams that probably will never come true for me.
I have loved music every since I can remember. I love all kinds of music, except for just a few. I used to put 5 CD's in the player, and sing in the microphone that was hooked up to my brother's amp. My husband would say, "Don't sing that song, sing this one." And he'd pick them out. He said I can only sing certain songs. :) My daughter says the same thing. :-)
I love to read and have ever since I was a very small child. At bedtime, I don't ever remember my mother reading to me, I would lay in bed and read myself. I love reading to this day. I have finally been able to pick up a book and read now. I read my Bible, but I've not been able to read a book since my dear sweet husband left this world.
I never did get to move into the apartment. The stairs was too much for me and it reeked with the smell of cigarettes. Guess I'm not crazy after all! LOL I can't stand the smell. Makes me gag and sometimes sets off my Asthma.
I thank God and all my friends that prayed for my SIL today. It just wasn't his time.
Until next time...
