It's been 2 1/2 years today since I found my husband, hanging in his shop. I am better, but I'm still so lost without him.

I miss the hugs he gave me. I miss him holding me in his arms. I miss having dinner with him every night.  I miss his laugh. I miss him calling me after his lunch every day. I miss cutting his hair for him. I cut his hair for 30 years.

When I sit in my living room, I'm all alone. He's not here sitting beside me. I miss his voice. I miss him kissing me when he came home from work.  I just miss every thing about him!

I still carry so much guilt inside. I just cannot seem to "move on" or "let go" of him.  In a way I've moved on, but I know I've not "let go." How can I just let go of someone I loved for 30 years and spent over half my life with?

I'm not a victim.  I'm a survivor as I've always said. But that's just it, I'm only surviving. I'm not living like I should be, just existing.

I put every thing off until the last minute. I've lost interest in every thing I once loved to do.

I don't want to wake up in the mornings. I just want to sleep. I can't do that during the week because I have my 3 year old grandson to keep.

My grand kids are what keeps me going and God too!

God has always been in my life. I still pray and always will. God is amazing too! He found me a place to live when I needed it. I don't know how, but He did. I lost our home that we bought 11 1/2 years ago, after he left. I had to sell most of every thing I had. I was able to keep some things.  I know that material things don't matter, but it's just those little special things that he got just for me that matters. Some of those things I don't have anymore. Some I do. I am grateful to God for what I do have.

After my dear husband left, I stayed with my daughter.  She and her family moved  to Columbus. I was facing either sleeping in my Durango or going to a shelter. Just the word "shelter" gives me chills. At the very last minute a very dear friend of mine let me stay at her house.  I wasn't there long when she had to move. There I was, facing it again and praying that I won't be homeless. And again at the last minute, He found me a place to live. I stayed in a basement of a friend of mine. I had my own bedroom, living room and bath room.

I lived there for a short while. Then I had to move again. I won't give details as to why I had to leave. And again, again, I was facing being homeless. And God found me a place to live right at the last moment. I stayed with her nearly a year. Then I got my Widows Disability Social Security and then I was able to move to Columbus, just so I could be close to my daughter and her family and my grandsons!

My son-n-law found a house for rent for me. I live very close to my daughter and her family now. It's so hard living alone. I hate it! But again, God put a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, food on the table. A place to keep warm when it's cold. A place to keep me cool when it's too hot outside.

If it wasn't for God and some of my friends, I really don't think that I'd be here right now. I do owe every thing to God!!!

I have at times doubted my faith. I just couldn't figure out why God would allow so many tragedies in one persons life!  But I know in my heart that God is watching over me. That is the ONLY way I have survived. 

God also made sure I had the money to get my meds. I have no idea how He did that but He did! I have a few dear friends to thank for that one too, and one friend of mine that I've known since I was 5 years old, helped me get my meds and helped me when my Durango needed work. I had to be able to drive.

I feel like I've put a zipper on my heart and zipped it up so no one can get in.  I don't mean to shut people out, I really don't, but I just do for some reason. At times I don't realize I'm doing that. I do know that I don't want to bring anyone down that I'm around because of my sadness and grief.

I've lost so many of my loved ones. It doesn't get easier and I think losing my husband has been the worst death I've had to deal with.

I still cry quite a bit.  Sometimes I cry out and say, "God, please bring him back to me." But I know that he will never come back.

I feel like I'm still young, although my body doesn't feel like it. LOL

I hope my husband is watching over me along with God. I pray that God will continue to lead me in the right path.

I really miss you, Dale. You were my life, my love. But I'll never completely know why you left me. I wonder if you really loved me at all.

RIP my dear, sweet Dale. I'll always love you and you will live in my heart forever!

Until next time.....

I don't think I've ever been so alone and so lonely in my life! I've been through a lot in my life, but losing my husband the way I did and finding him, has really taken a lot out of me.

I've moved on but I've not let go. It just hurts too bad. I still cry every day, but not as much I used too. Having my little dog, Piper with me does help. She is old, 13 years now, and she doesn't play anymore.

I've been on my own for 6 months now, but I've been with out my husband for just over 2 1/2 years.

There's always the question of why? Why did he do this to himself, to me, to our daughter and our grand kids? I understand some, but not all.

I've learned since my husband left this world that some men out there take advantage of widows. I don't understand that but it really tics me off!

I don't know if I will ever get married again in fear that the man might kill himself and I cannot go through that again. I've had 2 suicides in my family plus my husbands mother took her on life.

I'm tired of being sad and depressed and I'm tired of being lonely.

My daughter told me I need to get out there. I asked, "What do you want me to do, go bar hopping?"  She said go to church. I don't think I'll meet someone there either.

I'm getting better, but it's slow. I still have flash backs of that tragic day and from looking at the pictures, but I guess that will never go away until I do meet someone and fall in love again.

I miss and love him so very much! I can't help but wonder if he really loved me at all. Why would he do this if he did love me?

Until next time....

Tomorrow will be 2 years and 4 months since I found my husband, hanging in his shop.  The images of that day never leave my brain! I've been branded! My heart has been torn, tattered, shattered to pieces, many times in my life. Every time it's been sewn back together again by God's love. But right now, I'm really mad at God for letting this happen to me, my grand kids and my daughter!!

I've been through so very much, since the day I was born. I used to ask, "Why me?" But then again, why not me? 

Yesterday, I had a problem with my bank statement. Needless to say I was in tears! I had a charge for something I never received and I was asked to fax my bank statement to them for proof.  I don't have a fax. I told the guy that and he told me to take my statement to the bank and have them fax it. My bank is in Conyers and I live in Columbus. I can't drive 2 hours for that!  I asked him for his boss's name. The guy actually said to me, "He doesn't have a last name." Well, that's when I could feel myself losing it! I said, "The man has a last name, do you think I was born yesterday?" Then he told me that he didn't know his last name.  So, I'm out $48.?? for something I never ordered nor did I receive. And why in the world would that guy tell me his boss has no last name?

I had another charge that I didn't make. An $81.?? pizza order!!! I called the pizza place and talked with 2 people and they both told me they couldn't find me in their computer. They also told me that their boss would call me, but the boss never did. But I will be calling them back!

I was so upset because I've been charged twice for something I didn't order nor did I receive any item.  Well, I lost it. Thank God I was here alone! There was my husbands cheap flash light on the table. I picked it up and threw it as hard as I could against the wall.  I literally feel to the floor on my knees, crying, asking God, why? Asking my husband, "Why did you leave me? Why did you do this to me? I asked God, "What do you want me to do?" I needed my husband here to help me.  I needed him the other day when I found "Ghost", my neighbor's dog dying in my front yard. I did what I could, only what I knew how to do. I checked her over, but I knew she was going to die. And she did. It's still really bothering me bad.  If I had of only reacted faster...

I didn't mean to lose it and throw the flash light, but I could just feel the hurt and anger building up inside me.

I've had to use a flash light at night so Piper, my little dog, can see. She is old and I've noticed that she's doing things that only old dog's do. I love her so much!!!  She's no pit bull but how do I know someone isn't watching her and will shoot her? I go out with her and watch her in my tiny back yard which is fenced in.

What do you do when you lose it like that? Is that normal for grieving?  Maybe it is, I'm really not sure.

I think of my husband every single day. I find myself at times turning around to tell him something, but he's not here.

I don't understand how others do it. They lose their loved one, but they go back to work.  If I was working at the time I lost my husband, I would have never been able to go back. But being disabled keeps you doing a lot of things.  I can do some things, but I will and I have lived in physical pain since I was born.

Some say my physical pain is caused from my grief. They are so wrong!  I've had physical problems since the day I was born. I have to say though, that by the grace of God, I'm still here.  Why, I have no idea...

I miss home, the city I lived in that is.  I lost my house when my husband decided he didn't want to live anymore. And he thought he was in pain?!! He has no idea what kind of pain I now live in because of him!  Sometimes I cannot believe that my only brother (only sibling) and the only husband I've ever had, both took their own life, just in a different way.  I have so many, "If only..."

I still have no life and I'm not  sure when I will. Someone told me recently that she thought I needed to find someone to love, someone to love me back. I don't know about that because I don't plan on getting married again for many years to come, if I live that long! But someday I hope to meet someone who can be my friend.

Until next time...

I moved to a new city back in March of this year. I've not been happy since. It's very hard moving to a city you know nothing about. I moved here for one reason only, to be close to my daughter and grandsons. I had missed 2 years of their lives and I didn't want to miss anymore. One lady, I lived in her basement had told me that the kids couldn't come back because they were too loud. She raised 3 of her own.  Then the next person I lived with, only let me keep my grand kids once, I think it was. This time I was shocked to say the least because she is one of my grand kids other grandmother! How could you do that to your own grandchild!

My mistake was not driving down here to see the house my son-n-law found for me.  My daughter had taken lots of pictures for me  to see. I said OK, and with-in a week I was moved to Columbus.

The house itself is kind of cute, but I had no idea of all the problems this house has. It's a very old house but has had a lot of work done to it, but still, too many problems for me to have to deal with. I rather not go into details about the house.

Having said all that, I'm thankful because I have a roof over my head, cool air, heat, a bed to sleep in,  food to eat, and more.

I keep my youngest grandson during the week while my daughter works. But it's very hard to keep him with some of my medical problems. However, I do it anyway because I love my grand kids!

I've been unhappy here, so I called my Uncle Papa for some advice.  He lives in another state, far away.  He told me that every one gets unhappy here and there, but if your unhappy every day, then you need to move back home.  The hard part about that is trying to  tell my grandsons. I did talk with them about it a few weeks ago, but one got really mad and the other one cried.  That really tore me up!  So now, I'm at a loss as to what to do.

As far as my rent goes, I'm on a month to month lease, so that's good. 

This week was not a good week for me.  My neighbors dog was shot in the neck. Their dog's name was "Ghost." She was the sweetest Pit bull and she was only about a year old.  She was found close to my front porch. The mail man found her. She was still alive. It was pouring down rain that day.  Ghost died at the Vet's office about 10 minutes after we got her there.  If only I had of reacted faster. 

The entire time I was with that precious dog,  my husband was on my mind. I needed him here with me, but HE left me, HE left all of us!!!  I just wanted someone to hold me in their arms.  You might say that I'm really tired of finding dying dogs, having my own dog drop dead right in front of me, literally!  I'm tired of watching people die, right in front of me and finding them dead!  This isn't the first time either and it doesn't get easier.

I tried to reach out to a couple of friends, but I think I bothered them.  I feel really bad about that. Don't get me wrong, these people are really good people, I just think I've bothered them too much.

It's been 2 years and 4 months since I found my husband that tragic morning.  I've been riddled with guilt ever since I found my husband hanging. But that or anything else just doesn't seem to matter to most now. They don't want to hear it. I even had someone tell me to just let it go, and go on with my life, forget about it!!  Easy for her to say as she still has her husband!

Yes, I'm sad.... yes, I'm angry.... yes, I'm confused... yes, I'm lonely....yes, I'm all alone...yes, I feel guilty...but I keep telling myself, at least I have God!  While I've been living here, I have questioned my faith.  I really needed someone to talk to about it but no one was available.  I've noticed that people just don't want anything to do with someone like me. I didn't do this do myself, my husband did! I think people who have not been through something like this, truly do NOT understand! They can't even imagine, so they tend to back away. Dang, I'm not dead! I'm still living!

I've lost interest in things that I used to do on an every day basis.   But I know one day I'll get right back into things. I just want to be happy again! I hate being so alone!

This is what happens to someone when your loved one takes their own life. Please, do NOT take your own life. It does and will get better with-in time.  You have to have faith in God, even as little as a mustard seed.

Until next time....

Today wasn't a good day for me. Sometimes when I'm thinking I can't figure out if my way of thinking is just 'having another bad day' or is what I'm thinking real. Is what I'm thinking right or wrong...

I still carry so much guilt. The more I think, the worse it gets. I still have so many questions and I'll never get an answer.

It's hard to find a purpose in life right now, but I know there is. My grandchildren are. They are keeping me going.

I can't quilt or sew, I can't scrapbook, I can't read a good book...

Sometimes I think back when my grandmother passed away.  I wander why she gave up on her grandchildren and died. I was told that she had just given up. I beginning to think I know why now, just a little bit.

I though things would be different after 2 years, 3 months and 9 days. Oh my, things ARE different alright. 

I miss my friends and I miss Conyers. It's just 2 hours away. I've been back to Conyers once since I moved in March. I have to be in Conyers again in September.

I'm moving on, but I've not let go of my Dale...not sure I can. He was a good man. I loved him, cherished the ground he walked on too. I had no clue that he was going to hurt himself. If I had only got up the first time I woke up, if I had only seen the signs and yet they were right in front of me the whole time. Some still blame me and that really tears me up inside. I'm not even sure that my husband really truly loved me, why would he leave if he did?

I still feel alone, lonely and just lost. Will it ever get any better? I still cannot see past what's right in front of me.

Just another bad day in the life of a widow who dearly misses her Husband...

The last time I wrote on my blog, I said that no one was listening. I've also gone back and rewrote the last entry. I realize that there are people who are listening/reading. Some read, some don't. Some leave messages, some don't, I just wish people would at least ask me how I'm doing since my husbands death. His family never ask me how I'm doing and that hurts.

Grief is a strange thing. It will eventually happen to all of us. We all will suffer a great loss in our lives. I do believe that people react differently to each loss. I know I have. I lost my entire family. I have an Uncle and 3 cousins and of course my daughter, son-n-law and my grandsons. I also have cousins from my fathers side of the family that I knew nothing about until I found my real Father. I grew up not knowing any of them. That makes it hard to have them in my life.

Grief can make you think your losing your mind! I still cannot think straight, I can't sleep well, I still have dreams about him, I wake up in the middle of the night calling out his name. I don't know what I was thinking but I thought things would be better by now. In one way they are, but in other ways they are not. I know as time goes on it will become somewhat easier to live with the suicides in my family. The worse death I've ever had to deal with is the loss of my husband.

My husband has been gone 2 years and 3 months today. It's hard to believe it's been that long. I have no interest in dating or meeting another man at this time in my life, even though I'm so very lonely and alone.

I know I'm moving on, but I still cannot let go, and I don't think I will until I meet someone else one day, IF I ever do.

I saw a group on Facebook called SOS-Survivors of Suicide. I'm going to try and read more from the people of that group. Maybe it will help in some small way.

I really miss going to grief counseling. I thought I had made new friends. Since I've moved I've had no counseling and don't intend to either. I can't help but wander if I should have moved from my home town. I have no friends here. I do have my grandsons here and they are what keeps me going.

I went to a church service one morning, but I didn't like it at all.

Until another day...

Today maybe the last time I post on this blog. I have so much going on in my head right now, that all I really want to do is to sweep it all under the rug.... be done with it....not think about it anymore.  Tears will fall every day...I know some are listening but I don't know every one who reads my blog. I have no followers. I just want people who are thinking about taking their life, to know what happens to the people who love them so much after their gone.  There is a way out...but suicide isn't one of them.

It's been over 2 years now since I lost my dear husband. I just cannot get a grip, nor can I let go. The majority of my family is gone now, but this one hurt the worse.

I weep every day....I have flashes of him from when I found him and the pictures... they just don't go away in my head. At times I literally burst into tears.

I don't understand many things and some I do. There are so many unanswered questions that I'll never get answered.

I can't help but wonder if he really loved me at all. If he really did, then why did he do this to me, our daughter and our grandchildren?

I did tell him the night before how much I loved him but I don't think he heard me even though he was looking at my eyes while I talked to him. It was if God somehow told me what to say, but God took him anyway.

I still carry so much guilt, because I didn't get up when I first woke up. I sensed something wrong, but I just rolled over and went back to sleep.

I had told my husband that night before he left me, that I couldn't live without him.

I knew if would be hard being on my own, but I didn't know it was going to be this hard. Thank God I get to see my grandsons everyday.

I'm not going forward, I'm starting to go backwards and I can feel it. It really scares me too. I'm more depressed now. It's not easy living alone, especially when you don't like or want to live alone.

Will I ever get through this? I really don't know.

Most people are living their lives, while I'm just existing....

Every day this week, I've taken Marshall outside to eat lunch. We sit on the swing in the back yard. I've watched the pecan trees bloom out with beautiful green leaves and other trees too. I watched a mocking bird make a nest in one of the bushes next to the front porch, which is like a sun room. It's been beautiful! And the most precious gift of all, is that I've been able to keep my youngest grandson and I've seen my other grandsons every day! Thank you, Lord!

On the other hand, I've cried every day, gotten mad and threw my face in my pillow and screamed. The flash backs of my husband hanging just torments me.  I also remember the good times, the funny times and the sad time that we went through together.  He was so very happy when our daughter was born! She was a blessing from God to both of us and still is a blessing to me. She, with Gods help has blessed us with 4 grandsons. Yes, one is my step grandson and I don't get to see him much, but now I'll get to see him more.

My heart still aches for Dale. I still have unanswered questions that will never be answered. Why? I know some of the reasons, but his pride got in the way. Why couldn't he stay with us? I needed him and he needed me. Our daughter needed him, our grandsons needed him. They still ask me questions, but I cannot answer them. I just tell them he had an accident. I promised my daughter that I wouldn't tell them. She will tell them when the time is right.

I read an article just today about a teenage girl hanging herself after being sexually assaulted by 3 teen boys. It broke my heart and brought tears to my eyes.

There must be a way that we stop others from suicide!

I've been busy these past 2 months. I decided to move close to my daughter and my grandsons. I did get approved for Widows Disability Social Security. That was good news. The move down here itself was hard. What I thought would take about 2-3 hours took all day long. It also cost a lot more than I was told in the beginning.

I've been able to see my grandsons a LOT! I started keeping Marshall yesterday while his momma and daddy work. They can save money that way. I really enjoy him being here. He is so sweet. I love them all so very much!

I have so much left to unpack and I'm not even going to unpack everything. It's just box's of stuff, but I do need to find some things that I've not been able to find yet. It's hard to pick up the boxes that are on top of each other.

I haven't lived alone since I was 21 years old. At that time I had a full time job and lived alone. I hated living alone and I don't like it now either, but I'm so happy to be so close to my daughter, son-n-law and all my grandsons!

I don't sleep well except when the boys spend the night. The boys keep me busy and they are so sweet and so very helpful and loving!!

I still cry every day for my dear husband. It will be 2 years on the 21st of this month.  I dread that day so bad, but I'll have the kids with me so it will be better.  My daughter and son-n-law haven't had a honeymoon and will be married 4 years on the 18th.  If everything goes right, they will have their honeymoon next week and I'll have the boys!

I know that God is with me, but the grieving process is so long, for me anyway.

People get the wrong idea when you say you just want a male friend. I guess it's a man thing. Only God knows.

I still have moments when I just burst into tears. I can no longer keep any pictures of my husband out. I just look at them and cry. I had to put them up.

The other day I was in the grocery store, alone and I just happened to look up and saw a bag of Suddenly Salad and it was all I could do to hold back my tears. My husband loved that stuff! I just kept on going and telling myself do not cry, do not cry.

I still miss him so very much. Since I've moved down here, I won't be able to go to my grief meetings. I will really miss that. I will miss the new friends that I had made.

My heart is still so torn, so shredded, so battered from losing so many of my loved ones, but the 2 loved ones I lost from suicide has really taken me back.

Until I write again....

Today is really not a good day for me. My dear husband and I would have been married 31 years ago today!  There are not enough words to describe the pain I feel, nor are there any words to describe how much I miss him! He was the love of my life!

I do understand part of the reason why he left all who loved him, but then the other part I don't understand.  

Suicide really does some strange things to the survivor. I'm a survivor now of 2 suicides. My only brother and the only husband I ever had.  I loved them both and still do.

It was just yesterday when I found out that I was approved for Widows Disability Social Security.  I was born sick and I've been sick all my life. It's always something. I've even had a few Doctors look at me and say, "Do you know what it's like not to be sick?" I really didn't know what to say to them, so I just said, " I think I do."

I had a terrible childhood. I had a great mother and grandmother!! But I lost my momma when I was just 11 years old. I was in the 6th grade at Midway. And right when the courts gave my grandmother custody of me, she was in the hospital and died. I was 15 at the time. My heart had been shattered again, again.  At that time I was so very sick and would have died if I hadn't of moved back to Georgia with Step Daddy Dearest and gone to see my life long doctor. I was put in the hospital and had major surgery again, again and again. I spent 3 weeks there, had surgery, then emergency surgery. But the good Lord was with me, and I made it!!

Another one of my husbands cousins died last week or week before last. I heard about it on Face Book. I just cried like a baby when I read about it.  Ricky was married and had one child, a son. I know exactly how his wife feels.

There has just been so many deaths since 6 months before my husband left this world.  In October of 2010 I lost my dear Aunt Momma Brenda. I loved her so much!  Then my dear husband and after that, friends and cousins of my husband, my husbands grandfather. It's just so much in such a small amount of time. And then the friend that I was just getting to know that was killed yesterday when the tree fell on his car while driving.  His was a very close friend of my room mates. I'm just glad that I was there with her when she got the phone call. She was devastated.

So, it's just a sad day all around for me and for others.   I've said this since I was a child, a young teenager..."There is triumph over ever tragedy." So I'm thinking that the Triumph for me was that I was approved for Widows Disability Social Security.  The Tragedy is my husbands death and the way he left this world.

I so wish he was here so I could give him a hug and a kiss and tell him, Happy Anniversary honey.... I love you....I'll never stop loving you...you'll live in my heart forever.

Until next time...

I have dreaded today as I dread the 21st of every month. For two months now I've been saying on the 21st, that its been 19 months. It was only this week did I realise it's been 22 months today since I lost my dear husband.

I can't think straight, I can't do things right. I burst into tears when I'm alone. I dream about him so much and in all the dreams I'm trying to reach him, but I can't. I wake up calling his name out loud, then I realize he's not next to me.

There are times when I talk to my daughter on the phone and I'll tell her something, she says "Momma, you already told me that." It's like that every time I talk to her.  I can't remember what I've told her and what I've not told her.

I've lost a lot of family and friends in my life, but I've never been struck so hard as when there was a suicide. My only brother took his own life on 1-1-98.  Then my husband, the love of my life, on 4-21-2011. It still seems like a few months ago.

I still feel so lost, alone, lonely, confused and so much more. It's almost if I'm just in a daze all the time. I feel like I'm just existing and not living.

One thing that really hurts is when someone says to me after I've said that I lost my husband, my dogs and 90 % of what we owned. Their reply, is, "But look what you still have!" "Be thankful for what you still have."  I don't get it.

I was able to get one of my dogs back, but I can't take care of her like she needs. I just can't let go of her. She helps me. I know that some who may read this will wonder how in the world can a dog help you?  But it's true, she does. When I go to grief meetings, they have a therapy dog there. I just love that dog! She's such a sweet and loving dog! I'm so glad that she's there.

There is so much pain and turmoil inside me and I don't really know what to do. I feel guilty about a lot of things but there isn't anything I can do. Some things I just keep to my self and it's all bottled up inside me.

I miss him so very much. One thing that I'm grateful for was the night before he left, I sat down with him and looked into his eyes and told him how much I loved him and how much he meant to me. I said more than that, but I don't think he heard a word I said.

I met my beloved husband 32 years ago today.  It's a sad day, but I think I did something good today. I had made some pretty Valentine crocheted headbands for infants. A friend of mine took me to the hospital. I went in and gave them what I had made. I only had 8 made, but they only had 3 baby girls, but that may have changed since this morning.

I called my daughter to wish her a Happy Valentines Day! I also got to talk to two of my grandsons. That made my day!

When I was talking to my oldest grandson, he said he had something for me and that he was putting in a dollar for me and said it was quarters. He knows enough about my situation and know I have no money at this time. I literally started crying when he told me he was giving me a dollar in quarters. He is so sweet and kind! I was so proud of him too!

I miss my husband, but I'm trying so hard to move one. It's the "letting go" that's so hard.

Happy Valentines Day to my dear beloved Husband!

Tomorrow is a big day for me. I'm really nervous about it too. I try to hide my physical pain when I'm with others and even the grocery store. But at home, I just cannot hide it and there are times when I have a hard time hiding it from others.

I have a hearing with a Judge in the morning to see if I can get Widows Disability Social Security.  All I can do is ask the Lord for the Judge to make the right decision. My husband knew how much pain I was in.  I've had 2 Doctors say that I cannot work.  I tried to work after my husband left,  but I just couldn't do it.  My boss knew I couldn't do it and even told me so.

Emotionally, I can't work either. The Doctors said so. I can't  think straight, I seem to just screw everything up, in more ways than one.

I just ask that for those of you who read my blog, please say a prayer for me. I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks!

I didn't want to get out of bed today, but I had to be at the church at 12:30. It takes everything I have to get out of bed.   I've been asked to make bibs for infants and toddlers and crochet hats for adults.  They are all donated.  The nice lady who runs this said that she loves my work and how good I am at it. I don't take compliments very well, but I'm learning and I have so much more to learn.


I'm starting to enjoy making these, because I love sewing, crocheting, all crafts! But most of all, I'm helping people who need these. I've had help my entire life, one way or the other. I want to be able to help others. I don't do it because I enjoy it, nor do I do it because someone asked me too. I truly believe that God is the one who wants me to this, so I'm doing this for the Lord.

Some day, when I can get better from grieving, I really want to help others who has lost a loved one, but most all, someone who has lost a loved one to suicide and for the survivors left behind and for anyone who is thinking about taking their own life.

I had a grief meeting tonight. Even though I had some tears, I really listened to the counselor and the others in the group. I know that God was there tonight! I could just feel it.

I've been so worried about not being able to get my prescription filled. I need my meds. When we got home, my room mate asked me to sit down and talk with her. I really didn't want to, because I was so tired and my back was killing me! Then she put in front of me a wad of money. I about fell off the chair. I counted it and I will be able to get my prescription filled!!!  My room mate would not let me know who gave her the money to give to me for one of my meds. I don't know who it was. I wish I did so I could at least thank them.  It was a miracle!

God was really working on me tonight, I could just feel it. I was and still am amazed by how God works. He has pulled me through everything since my dear husband left this world. He has made sure I get my meds, have a place to live and food on the table. He has put a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in and has let me have one of my dogs back, to help comfort me. If you've never been loved by a dog, you'll not understand.

The Lord has carried me through many tragedies in my life, since birth. I learned as a little girl that there is triumph over every tragedy. But for some reason, I'm not sure about this one.

I've grown to truly love these people that I've met at the grieve meetings and the counselor and his wife. I've learned a lot since I've been going. I've also learned a lot from the others in the group who have lost a loved one. I thank the Lord for all of them.

I'm going to start getting in the habit again to read some in my Bible on a daily basis!

Well, I'm tired and  my back is hurting really bad, so until next time...

Sometimes I just have a hard time believing that all this is real. It's like I go through the emotions of life, like a robot.  It's kind of like a dream. I can't think straight. I can't always do things right.  I have a hard time concentrating on one thing, because all I see are the pictures that flash through my mind of the love of my life, hanging. 

There are so very many unanswered questions that I have and I'll never have the answer. I do know some of the reasons, but it wasn't right what he did, leaving me and all who loved him.

I carry a lot guilt but I'm not the one who did this, he did this to himself. For those of you out there who blame me, you are judging me,  and that isn't right. I know at some point in our lives we judge others. I think we are all guilty of that, but this is different.

The guilt I carry is a heavy burden on my heart, but for those who have told me they blame me, it's so much more heavier. I feel guilty because I didn't get up the first time I woke up and I felt in my heart and soul that something wasn't right. But I just thought about his daily routine, thinking he was outside on the porch,  having his morning coffee. When I did get up and I found him, I was in total shock and what I saw wasn't exactly what I really saw. I've been told by my doctor that my mind blocked certain things out. It wasn't until I got the pictures that the police took of that tragic morning did I realize what I saw wasn't what I thought I saw. It's hard to explain and I won't tell the details of the position he was in, but I will say that the police report said, he could have stopped it, IF HE wanted too. He obviously didn't want to. The worse thing about it, was that I was on the phone with our daughter.

This is the 2nd person that I've loved that I've lost to suicide. My heart aches with so much pain that it's just so hard to go on, but I keep on going but I really want to just give up, but I can't. In a way, I think I have given up, but I don't think I'll ever take my own life.

It's as if God has taken away everyone that I love in one way or another.

When I was 18 years old, I was in a pickle! A bad situation! I did try to kill myself. But I got scared and I called someone. This person came and got me and took me to the ER. I guess you could say that I owe this man, that I still talk to today, my life. I don't know if he reads my blog but he knows who he is and he's a good Christian man!

I try to concentrate on the good times. But it's hard. I did remember something that I thought was so sweet that my husband did one night. We were listening to music, and he reached out, took my hand as I stood up, he pulled me in his arms and we slowly danced. It was so sweet. I'll never forgot that night. That was the only time that we ever danced together. He said he couldn't dance, but he did that night. It made me so happy!

I remember all the summers he took me to the beach. We always had so much fun going to the beach. It always gave both of us such inner peace. He taught me how to body surf and man, that was so much fun!!

 I remember when our daughter was really little, probably 2 years old, she was in a little red bikini. She found a  little boy about her size, and they sat in the sand and played. His parents asked us if they could take some pictures of them together. Of course we said yes. They were so cute! I will have to admit, if I was to have a child now, I'd never put her in a bikini! 

My husband and I both loved the beach. We would stay on the beach most of the day. Then go out to eat at night. Then we would walk on the beach at dark. I love finding shells! I  have loved seashells since I was a little girl. He would help me find them and so would our daughter.  I don't have any of those shells now. But there is one big shell that he bought me, that I do have and I'll keep it forever. I hope I still have it. It's the one that you put to your ear and you can hear the ocean.  I've never been able to figure that one out.  What little I have left is packed up. But at least I'll have the memories and I have tons of pictures. I have boxes and boxes of photographs.

I can't write anymore, because of the tears.....

February is really not a good month for me. I met my husband in February and we got married in February. Not all in the same month though. :) 

I'm beginning to think that things aren't going to get better. I'm just so tired of asking for help and now when I ask, the answer is always no. There just isn't anything else that I know to do.

I'm so embarrassed and ashamed for what my husband did. I wish I could go back to that day and change it, but I can't.

Tears still pour from my eyes on a daily basis. I loved him so much! I miss him and I need him so much right now. I'm mad at him for leaving me in the situation I'm in and I don't know what to do anymore. So I just write my feelings out here for the world to see. But if it will stop one person from taking their life, it's all worth it. Maybe they will see just how much more pain the person left behind is in than the pain that they are in.

I'm fixing to run out of some of my meds. I'll just have to do with out. If I get sick, so be it.  Maybe that's what God's will is, I don't know. All I can do is give it to Him because I don't know how much longer I can keep going on like I am.

My husband used to call me a worry wart. He was right, I worry so much about so many things. I just wish I could get him back but I can't...

19 Months

It's hard to believe that it's been 19 months today, since I lost my dear husband so tragically, so suddenly.  My life hasn't been the same and it never will be again. He was my soul mate, my rock..now he lives in my heart. I can't see him, except the flashes of that tragic day. They just flash like lighting,one picture after another, through my brain. I can't  hold him in my arms anymore. I can't kiss him anymore. I can't hear his voice anymore.  I can't see his beautiful eyes anymore.  So many times today, my eyes have filled with tears. Oh God, how I miss him! It's so hard learning to live without him. I still wake myself up, crying out loud for him, saying his name. I roll over in bed to hold him, and realize, oh... yeah...he's not here anymore. I have so many dreams about him. I don't know what they mean. In the dreams, I'm trying to reach him, but I can't. People say to me, you look good, you sound better, but behind my so called smile, I'm in so much pain.  Will it ever get better? Will the pain stop? I know that I shouldn't say this, but will I ever be loved again?  I have learned recently, that the few who blame me are judging me and only God can do that. I know it wasn't my fault what so ever at all. But I'll always feel so guilty because when I first woke up, I didn't get up. I don't know why I didn't get up......

For a very long time after my husband left me, I would at times catch myself laughing at something funny, then quickly stopped laughing, because he wasn't here to laugh with me. I can now laugh again, but there are times when I just stop laughing because he pops in my mind.

I used to love to sing. He would pick out a CD and say to me, sing this song. So I'd get the microphone and sing for him. It took me a long time before I could sing again. Now I have been writing a poem about my husband but I sing it. I don't have any of my music paper to write it down nor do I have my piano anymore.

For a while I wouldn't hardly eat anything, because he wasn't here to eat with me.  I'm eating a little better now but need to get back on my diabetic diet.

Today I was in the grocery store was going down the isle and saw the Folgers Coffee, Colombian. Tears filled my eyes because that was the kind of coffee he bought and made every morning. I rarely drink coffee now.

The morning of that tragic day, he make a pot of coffee but never fixed him a cup. I will always wonder why he made the coffee in the first place. Had he been planning his death? Or could it just been a sudden decision? I'll never know...

I have begun to move on, but letting go is the hardest thing to do.

Somethings I do, I just feel so guilty because he isn't here with me to share them with.

For anyone who is reading this, please do NOT take your own life. It IS the most selfish act a human can make. People take their own life because they don't know anyway out of their situation. Some take their on life because they feel like they just don't have a choice anymore. They cannot see beyond what's right in front of their face. The ones left behind are the ones that hurt the most.

Until next time...

I said that I would not post anymore on my blog. I have decided that I will post some from time to time but will not post any personal things about my husband, that I loved so very much.

It been 18 months and 17 days since that tragic morning that changed my life in an instance! Life has not been the same at all.

As I posted in an earlier post, I lost my husband, our home, our dogs,  ( I was able to get one of my dogs back) and 90% of what we owned. I have very little left and I'm going to have to sell some other things soon.

It has been by the grace of God that I've gotten this far. I've been able to get my meds and gas in my Durango, but now....I have no idea where the money will come from.

I'm in the process of making things that I think people will buy such as baby headband's, preemie blankets and more.

My insurance is due this month for my Durango, but I just don't have the money. I cannot stand not being able to take myself where I need to go and have to depend on others. But I do know that somehow the Lord will provide.

I pray that at my hearing next month with a Judge, will grant me Widows Disability Social Security.  Lord help me if I get turned down.

Every day I ask, "Dale, how could you leave me in this position?" Even though he's not here to answer me back. I still cry for him, every day.

I've cried for my daughter and my grandchildren and all of my husbands family.  I still haven't been able to "let go." I know one day I will. 

I am tired of hearing the words, "pity party!" I hate those words. I also don't like being told that I have to move on. Well, if I wasn't moving on, I sure wouldn't be here writing on my blog to help get my feelings out. Have I let go? No, not really.

I have been blamed by several people for my husbands death! It's just not right! I didn't do this to my husband, I did not drive him to do this. This was HIS choice, not mine.

I hate the flashes that swarm my brain with the images of that tragic day, the pictures that I got from the police that they had taken. Even though I no longer have the pictures, they are branded deep within my brain. Sometimes, no matter where I'm at, I get tears in my eyes. I think the one thing that people don't realize, is that I'm constantly thinking of my husband....even when I'm talking to someone else about anything else but him.

I had everything I could have ever wanted, but I would have gave it all away, if I could just have my husband.  And I told him that the night before he left me. We were supposed to grow old together and now that won't happen.

I will always love him, but I hate what he did, not just to me, but to all who loved him.

Until next time...