I moved to a new city back in March of this year. I've not been happy since. It's very hard moving to a city you know nothing about. I moved here for one reason only, to be close to my daughter and grandsons. I had missed 2 years of their lives and I didn't want to miss anymore. One lady, I lived in her basement had told me that the kids couldn't come back because they were too loud. She raised 3 of her own.  Then the next person I lived with, only let me keep my grand kids once, I think it was. This time I was shocked to say the least because she is one of my grand kids other grandmother! How could you do that to your own grandchild!

My mistake was not driving down here to see the house my son-n-law found for me.  My daughter had taken lots of pictures for me  to see. I said OK, and with-in a week I was moved to Columbus.

The house itself is kind of cute, but I had no idea of all the problems this house has. It's a very old house but has had a lot of work done to it, but still, too many problems for me to have to deal with. I rather not go into details about the house.

Having said all that, I'm thankful because I have a roof over my head, cool air, heat, a bed to sleep in,  food to eat, and more.

I keep my youngest grandson during the week while my daughter works. But it's very hard to keep him with some of my medical problems. However, I do it anyway because I love my grand kids!

I've been unhappy here, so I called my Uncle Papa for some advice.  He lives in another state, far away.  He told me that every one gets unhappy here and there, but if your unhappy every day, then you need to move back home.  The hard part about that is trying to  tell my grandsons. I did talk with them about it a few weeks ago, but one got really mad and the other one cried.  That really tore me up!  So now, I'm at a loss as to what to do.

As far as my rent goes, I'm on a month to month lease, so that's good. 

This week was not a good week for me.  My neighbors dog was shot in the neck. Their dog's name was "Ghost." She was the sweetest Pit bull and she was only about a year old.  She was found close to my front porch. The mail man found her. She was still alive. It was pouring down rain that day.  Ghost died at the Vet's office about 10 minutes after we got her there.  If only I had of reacted faster. 

The entire time I was with that precious dog,  my husband was on my mind. I needed him here with me, but HE left me, HE left all of us!!!  I just wanted someone to hold me in their arms.  You might say that I'm really tired of finding dying dogs, having my own dog drop dead right in front of me, literally!  I'm tired of watching people die, right in front of me and finding them dead!  This isn't the first time either and it doesn't get easier.

I tried to reach out to a couple of friends, but I think I bothered them.  I feel really bad about that. Don't get me wrong, these people are really good people, I just think I've bothered them too much.

It's been 2 years and 4 months since I found my husband that tragic morning.  I've been riddled with guilt ever since I found my husband hanging. But that or anything else just doesn't seem to matter to most now. They don't want to hear it. I even had someone tell me to just let it go, and go on with my life, forget about it!!  Easy for her to say as she still has her husband!

Yes, I'm sad.... yes, I'm angry.... yes, I'm confused... yes, I'm lonely....yes, I'm all alone...yes, I feel guilty...but I keep telling myself, at least I have God!  While I've been living here, I have questioned my faith.  I really needed someone to talk to about it but no one was available.  I've noticed that people just don't want anything to do with someone like me. I didn't do this do myself, my husband did! I think people who have not been through something like this, truly do NOT understand! They can't even imagine, so they tend to back away. Dang, I'm not dead! I'm still living!

I've lost interest in things that I used to do on an every day basis.   But I know one day I'll get right back into things. I just want to be happy again! I hate being so alone!

This is what happens to someone when your loved one takes their own life. Please, do NOT take your own life. It does and will get better with-in time.  You have to have faith in God, even as little as a mustard seed.

Until next time....