Today is really not a good day for me. My dear husband and I would have been married 31 years ago today!  There are not enough words to describe the pain I feel, nor are there any words to describe how much I miss him! He was the love of my life!

I do understand part of the reason why he left all who loved him, but then the other part I don't understand.  

Suicide really does some strange things to the survivor. I'm a survivor now of 2 suicides. My only brother and the only husband I ever had.  I loved them both and still do.

It was just yesterday when I found out that I was approved for Widows Disability Social Security.  I was born sick and I've been sick all my life. It's always something. I've even had a few Doctors look at me and say, "Do you know what it's like not to be sick?" I really didn't know what to say to them, so I just said, " I think I do."

I had a terrible childhood. I had a great mother and grandmother!! But I lost my momma when I was just 11 years old. I was in the 6th grade at Midway. And right when the courts gave my grandmother custody of me, she was in the hospital and died. I was 15 at the time. My heart had been shattered again, again.  At that time I was so very sick and would have died if I hadn't of moved back to Georgia with Step Daddy Dearest and gone to see my life long doctor. I was put in the hospital and had major surgery again, again and again. I spent 3 weeks there, had surgery, then emergency surgery. But the good Lord was with me, and I made it!!

Another one of my husbands cousins died last week or week before last. I heard about it on Face Book. I just cried like a baby when I read about it.  Ricky was married and had one child, a son. I know exactly how his wife feels.

There has just been so many deaths since 6 months before my husband left this world.  In October of 2010 I lost my dear Aunt Momma Brenda. I loved her so much!  Then my dear husband and after that, friends and cousins of my husband, my husbands grandfather. It's just so much in such a small amount of time. And then the friend that I was just getting to know that was killed yesterday when the tree fell on his car while driving.  His was a very close friend of my room mates. I'm just glad that I was there with her when she got the phone call. She was devastated.

So, it's just a sad day all around for me and for others.   I've said this since I was a child, a young teenager..."There is triumph over ever tragedy." So I'm thinking that the Triumph for me was that I was approved for Widows Disability Social Security.  The Tragedy is my husbands death and the way he left this world.

I so wish he was here so I could give him a hug and a kiss and tell him, Happy Anniversary honey.... I love you....I'll never stop loving you...you'll live in my heart forever.

Until next time...