I have dreaded today as I dread the 21st of every month. For two months now I've been saying on the 21st, that its been 19 months. It was only this week did I realise it's been 22 months today since I lost my dear husband.

I can't think straight, I can't do things right. I burst into tears when I'm alone. I dream about him so much and in all the dreams I'm trying to reach him, but I can't. I wake up calling his name out loud, then I realize he's not next to me.

There are times when I talk to my daughter on the phone and I'll tell her something, she says "Momma, you already told me that." It's like that every time I talk to her.  I can't remember what I've told her and what I've not told her.

I've lost a lot of family and friends in my life, but I've never been struck so hard as when there was a suicide. My only brother took his own life on 1-1-98.  Then my husband, the love of my life, on 4-21-2011. It still seems like a few months ago.

I still feel so lost, alone, lonely, confused and so much more. It's almost if I'm just in a daze all the time. I feel like I'm just existing and not living.

One thing that really hurts is when someone says to me after I've said that I lost my husband, my dogs and 90 % of what we owned. Their reply, is, "But look what you still have!" "Be thankful for what you still have."  I don't get it.

I was able to get one of my dogs back, but I can't take care of her like she needs. I just can't let go of her. She helps me. I know that some who may read this will wonder how in the world can a dog help you?  But it's true, she does. When I go to grief meetings, they have a therapy dog there. I just love that dog! She's such a sweet and loving dog! I'm so glad that she's there.

There is so much pain and turmoil inside me and I don't really know what to do. I feel guilty about a lot of things but there isn't anything I can do. Some things I just keep to my self and it's all bottled up inside me.

I miss him so very much. One thing that I'm grateful for was the night before he left, I sat down with him and looked into his eyes and told him how much I loved him and how much he meant to me. I said more than that, but I don't think he heard a word I said.