It's been over 2 years now since I lost my dear husband. I just cannot get a grip, nor can I let go. The majority of my family is gone now, but this one hurt the worse.

I weep every day....I have flashes of him from when I found him and the pictures... they just don't go away in my head. At times I literally burst into tears.

I don't understand many things and some I do. There are so many unanswered questions that I'll never get answered.

I can't help but wonder if he really loved me at all. If he really did, then why did he do this to me, our daughter and our grandchildren?

I did tell him the night before how much I loved him but I don't think he heard me even though he was looking at my eyes while I talked to him. It was if God somehow told me what to say, but God took him anyway.

I still carry so much guilt, because I didn't get up when I first woke up. I sensed something wrong, but I just rolled over and went back to sleep.

I had told my husband that night before he left me, that I couldn't live without him.

I knew if would be hard being on my own, but I didn't know it was going to be this hard. Thank God I get to see my grandsons everyday.

I'm not going forward, I'm starting to go backwards and I can feel it. It really scares me too. I'm more depressed now. It's not easy living alone, especially when you don't like or want to live alone.

Will I ever get through this? I really don't know.

Most people are living their lives, while I'm just existing....