Holiday's are always hard. I know for me, that this time of year is the hardest. I've always had a really hard time this time of year since I lost my mother in 1971.  She was only 33 years old and I was 11 years old. My husband and my daughter could tell that I would get sad. It's a bitter sweet time of year for me.

Last year was the first Thanksgiving and Christmas that I was without my husband, daughter and my grandchildren. I spent Thanksgiving Day sitting alone, in the dark and watched TV all day. I cried a lot throughout that day.  At the end of Thanksgiving Day, the lady I was living with made me a plate of food. It was really good too. I ate alone.

On Christmas Day, I did the same thing, I sat in the dark all day long and watched TV and cried a lot. Just before Christmas Day I had met my daughter and grandchildren at a restaurant to have dinner.  There was one person missing and that was my husband.  It was all I could do to hold back my tears. As I left, driving down the road, I'd cried all the way home.

This year will be different, but I will still be very sad because my husband will not be with us. I pray that I will get to be with my daughter and my grandchildren! The love I have for them is what keeps me going.

My oldest grandsons birthday is November 27. He was born on Thanksgiving Day!  I spoke with him on the phone yesterday and I tried to tell him that I just didn't have the money to buy him a gift, but I will make him a card. He said, "Just go to the bank and get some money." I had to explain to him the same way I had to explain to my daughter when she was his age, that you have to have a job, earn money, put it in the bank in order to get money out of the bank.  He said, "Oh." I think he got it! :-) Before I explained that to him, he asked me to just buy him something cheap. Bless his heart! I don't know what I'm going to do, but somehow I'll find a way to buy him a small gift.  He'll be 9 years old! I have another grandson that will be 6 years old in December. Somehow, I'll think of something. God has provided this long, so I have to keep my faith and trust in Him.  Young children just don't understand and it breaks my heart.

I'm struggling with all of this but I know somehow the Lord will provide! I just can't give up on my daughter, grand kids or God! As hard as it is, I just refuse to.

I just have to thank the good Lord for getting me this far! I'm very thankful to be alive and have a roof over my head, heat to keep me warm, food on the table, the medications that I need to keep me living, clothes on my back, the ability to see, hear, feel, walk and so much more!

For all of you out there who feel like I do or in other situations that make your heart sad, know that God IS with you!  I have no idea what God wants me to do, but I do know, that HE is with us all!