Today maybe the last time I post on this blog. I have so much going on in my head right now, that all I really want to do is to sweep it all under the rug.... be done with it....not think about it anymore.  Tears will fall every day...I know some are listening but I don't know every one who reads my blog. I have no followers. I just want people who are thinking about taking their life, to know what happens to the people who love them so much after their gone.  There is a way out...but suicide isn't one of them.

It's been over 2 years now since I lost my dear husband. I just cannot get a grip, nor can I let go. The majority of my family is gone now, but this one hurt the worse.

I weep every day....I have flashes of him from when I found him and the pictures... they just don't go away in my head. At times I literally burst into tears.

I don't understand many things and some I do. There are so many unanswered questions that I'll never get answered.

I can't help but wonder if he really loved me at all. If he really did, then why did he do this to me, our daughter and our grandchildren?

I did tell him the night before how much I loved him but I don't think he heard me even though he was looking at my eyes while I talked to him. It was if God somehow told me what to say, but God took him anyway.

I still carry so much guilt, because I didn't get up when I first woke up. I sensed something wrong, but I just rolled over and went back to sleep.

I had told my husband that night before he left me, that I couldn't live without him.

I knew if would be hard being on my own, but I didn't know it was going to be this hard. Thank God I get to see my grandsons everyday.

I'm not going forward, I'm starting to go backwards and I can feel it. It really scares me too. I'm more depressed now. It's not easy living alone, especially when you don't like or want to live alone.

Will I ever get through this? I really don't know.

Most people are living their lives, while I'm just existing....

Every day this week, I've taken Marshall outside to eat lunch. We sit on the swing in the back yard. I've watched the pecan trees bloom out with beautiful green leaves and other trees too. I watched a mocking bird make a nest in one of the bushes next to the front porch, which is like a sun room. It's been beautiful! And the most precious gift of all, is that I've been able to keep my youngest grandson and I've seen my other grandsons every day! Thank you, Lord!

On the other hand, I've cried every day, gotten mad and threw my face in my pillow and screamed. The flash backs of my husband hanging just torments me.  I also remember the good times, the funny times and the sad time that we went through together.  He was so very happy when our daughter was born! She was a blessing from God to both of us and still is a blessing to me. She, with Gods help has blessed us with 4 grandsons. Yes, one is my step grandson and I don't get to see him much, but now I'll get to see him more.

My heart still aches for Dale. I still have unanswered questions that will never be answered. Why? I know some of the reasons, but his pride got in the way. Why couldn't he stay with us? I needed him and he needed me. Our daughter needed him, our grandsons needed him. They still ask me questions, but I cannot answer them. I just tell them he had an accident. I promised my daughter that I wouldn't tell them. She will tell them when the time is right.

I read an article just today about a teenage girl hanging herself after being sexually assaulted by 3 teen boys. It broke my heart and brought tears to my eyes.

There must be a way that we stop others from suicide!

I've been busy these past 2 months. I decided to move close to my daughter and my grandsons. I did get approved for Widows Disability Social Security. That was good news. The move down here itself was hard. What I thought would take about 2-3 hours took all day long. It also cost a lot more than I was told in the beginning.

I've been able to see my grandsons a LOT! I started keeping Marshall yesterday while his momma and daddy work. They can save money that way. I really enjoy him being here. He is so sweet. I love them all so very much!

I have so much left to unpack and I'm not even going to unpack everything. It's just box's of stuff, but I do need to find some things that I've not been able to find yet. It's hard to pick up the boxes that are on top of each other.

I haven't lived alone since I was 21 years old. At that time I had a full time job and lived alone. I hated living alone and I don't like it now either, but I'm so happy to be so close to my daughter, son-n-law and all my grandsons!

I don't sleep well except when the boys spend the night. The boys keep me busy and they are so sweet and so very helpful and loving!!

I still cry every day for my dear husband. It will be 2 years on the 21st of this month.  I dread that day so bad, but I'll have the kids with me so it will be better.  My daughter and son-n-law haven't had a honeymoon and will be married 4 years on the 18th.  If everything goes right, they will have their honeymoon next week and I'll have the boys!

I know that God is with me, but the grieving process is so long, for me anyway.

People get the wrong idea when you say you just want a male friend. I guess it's a man thing. Only God knows.

I still have moments when I just burst into tears. I can no longer keep any pictures of my husband out. I just look at them and cry. I had to put them up.

The other day I was in the grocery store, alone and I just happened to look up and saw a bag of Suddenly Salad and it was all I could do to hold back my tears. My husband loved that stuff! I just kept on going and telling myself do not cry, do not cry.

I still miss him so very much. Since I've moved down here, I won't be able to go to my grief meetings. I will really miss that. I will miss the new friends that I had made.

My heart is still so torn, so shredded, so battered from losing so many of my loved ones, but the 2 loved ones I lost from suicide has really taken me back.

Until I write again....

Today is really not a good day for me. My dear husband and I would have been married 31 years ago today!  There are not enough words to describe the pain I feel, nor are there any words to describe how much I miss him! He was the love of my life!

I do understand part of the reason why he left all who loved him, but then the other part I don't understand.  

Suicide really does some strange things to the survivor. I'm a survivor now of 2 suicides. My only brother and the only husband I ever had.  I loved them both and still do.

It was just yesterday when I found out that I was approved for Widows Disability Social Security.  I was born sick and I've been sick all my life. It's always something. I've even had a few Doctors look at me and say, "Do you know what it's like not to be sick?" I really didn't know what to say to them, so I just said, " I think I do."

I had a terrible childhood. I had a great mother and grandmother!! But I lost my momma when I was just 11 years old. I was in the 6th grade at Midway. And right when the courts gave my grandmother custody of me, she was in the hospital and died. I was 15 at the time. My heart had been shattered again, again.  At that time I was so very sick and would have died if I hadn't of moved back to Georgia with Step Daddy Dearest and gone to see my life long doctor. I was put in the hospital and had major surgery again, again and again. I spent 3 weeks there, had surgery, then emergency surgery. But the good Lord was with me, and I made it!!

Another one of my husbands cousins died last week or week before last. I heard about it on Face Book. I just cried like a baby when I read about it.  Ricky was married and had one child, a son. I know exactly how his wife feels.

There has just been so many deaths since 6 months before my husband left this world.  In October of 2010 I lost my dear Aunt Momma Brenda. I loved her so much!  Then my dear husband and after that, friends and cousins of my husband, my husbands grandfather. It's just so much in such a small amount of time. And then the friend that I was just getting to know that was killed yesterday when the tree fell on his car while driving.  His was a very close friend of my room mates. I'm just glad that I was there with her when she got the phone call. She was devastated.

So, it's just a sad day all around for me and for others.   I've said this since I was a child, a young teenager..."There is triumph over ever tragedy." So I'm thinking that the Triumph for me was that I was approved for Widows Disability Social Security.  The Tragedy is my husbands death and the way he left this world.

I so wish he was here so I could give him a hug and a kiss and tell him, Happy Anniversary honey.... I love you....I'll never stop loving you...you'll live in my heart forever.

Until next time...

I have dreaded today as I dread the 21st of every month. For two months now I've been saying on the 21st, that its been 19 months. It was only this week did I realise it's been 22 months today since I lost my dear husband.

I can't think straight, I can't do things right. I burst into tears when I'm alone. I dream about him so much and in all the dreams I'm trying to reach him, but I can't. I wake up calling his name out loud, then I realize he's not next to me.

There are times when I talk to my daughter on the phone and I'll tell her something, she says "Momma, you already told me that." It's like that every time I talk to her.  I can't remember what I've told her and what I've not told her.

I've lost a lot of family and friends in my life, but I've never been struck so hard as when there was a suicide. My only brother took his own life on 1-1-98.  Then my husband, the love of my life, on 4-21-2011. It still seems like a few months ago.

I still feel so lost, alone, lonely, confused and so much more. It's almost if I'm just in a daze all the time. I feel like I'm just existing and not living.

One thing that really hurts is when someone says to me after I've said that I lost my husband, my dogs and 90 % of what we owned. Their reply, is, "But look what you still have!" "Be thankful for what you still have."  I don't get it.

I was able to get one of my dogs back, but I can't take care of her like she needs. I just can't let go of her. She helps me. I know that some who may read this will wonder how in the world can a dog help you?  But it's true, she does. When I go to grief meetings, they have a therapy dog there. I just love that dog! She's such a sweet and loving dog! I'm so glad that she's there.

There is so much pain and turmoil inside me and I don't really know what to do. I feel guilty about a lot of things but there isn't anything I can do. Some things I just keep to my self and it's all bottled up inside me.

I miss him so very much. One thing that I'm grateful for was the night before he left, I sat down with him and looked into his eyes and told him how much I loved him and how much he meant to me. I said more than that, but I don't think he heard a word I said.

I met my beloved husband 32 years ago today.  It's a sad day, but I think I did something good today. I had made some pretty Valentine crocheted headbands for infants. A friend of mine took me to the hospital. I went in and gave them what I had made. I only had 8 made, but they only had 3 baby girls, but that may have changed since this morning.

I called my daughter to wish her a Happy Valentines Day! I also got to talk to two of my grandsons. That made my day!

When I was talking to my oldest grandson, he said he had something for me and that he was putting in a dollar for me and said it was quarters. He knows enough about my situation and know I have no money at this time. I literally started crying when he told me he was giving me a dollar in quarters. He is so sweet and kind! I was so proud of him too!

I miss my husband, but I'm trying so hard to move one. It's the "letting go" that's so hard.

Happy Valentines Day to my dear beloved Husband!