Tomorrow will be 2 years and 4 months since I found my husband, hanging in his shop.  The images of that day never leave my brain! I've been branded! My heart has been torn, tattered, shattered to pieces, many times in my life. Every time it's been sewn back together again by God's love. But right now, I'm really mad at God for letting this happen to me, my grand kids and my daughter!!

I've been through so very much, since the day I was born. I used to ask, "Why me?" But then again, why not me? 

Yesterday, I had a problem with my bank statement. Needless to say I was in tears! I had a charge for something I never received and I was asked to fax my bank statement to them for proof.  I don't have a fax. I told the guy that and he told me to take my statement to the bank and have them fax it. My bank is in Conyers and I live in Columbus. I can't drive 2 hours for that!  I asked him for his boss's name. The guy actually said to me, "He doesn't have a last name." Well, that's when I could feel myself losing it! I said, "The man has a last name, do you think I was born yesterday?" Then he told me that he didn't know his last name.  So, I'm out $48.?? for something I never ordered nor did I receive. And why in the world would that guy tell me his boss has no last name?

I had another charge that I didn't make. An $81.?? pizza order!!! I called the pizza place and talked with 2 people and they both told me they couldn't find me in their computer. They also told me that their boss would call me, but the boss never did. But I will be calling them back!

I was so upset because I've been charged twice for something I didn't order nor did I receive any item.  Well, I lost it. Thank God I was here alone! There was my husbands cheap flash light on the table. I picked it up and threw it as hard as I could against the wall.  I literally feel to the floor on my knees, crying, asking God, why? Asking my husband, "Why did you leave me? Why did you do this to me? I asked God, "What do you want me to do?" I needed my husband here to help me.  I needed him the other day when I found "Ghost", my neighbor's dog dying in my front yard. I did what I could, only what I knew how to do. I checked her over, but I knew she was going to die. And she did. It's still really bothering me bad.  If I had of only reacted faster...

I didn't mean to lose it and throw the flash light, but I could just feel the hurt and anger building up inside me.

I've had to use a flash light at night so Piper, my little dog, can see. She is old and I've noticed that she's doing things that only old dog's do. I love her so much!!!  She's no pit bull but how do I know someone isn't watching her and will shoot her? I go out with her and watch her in my tiny back yard which is fenced in.

What do you do when you lose it like that? Is that normal for grieving?  Maybe it is, I'm really not sure.

I think of my husband every single day. I find myself at times turning around to tell him something, but he's not here.

I don't understand how others do it. They lose their loved one, but they go back to work.  If I was working at the time I lost my husband, I would have never been able to go back. But being disabled keeps you doing a lot of things.  I can do some things, but I will and I have lived in physical pain since I was born.

Some say my physical pain is caused from my grief. They are so wrong!  I've had physical problems since the day I was born. I have to say though, that by the grace of God, I'm still here.  Why, I have no idea...

I miss home, the city I lived in that is.  I lost my house when my husband decided he didn't want to live anymore. And he thought he was in pain?!! He has no idea what kind of pain I now live in because of him!  Sometimes I cannot believe that my only brother (only sibling) and the only husband I've ever had, both took their own life, just in a different way.  I have so many, "If only..."

I still have no life and I'm not  sure when I will. Someone told me recently that she thought I needed to find someone to love, someone to love me back. I don't know about that because I don't plan on getting married again for many years to come, if I live that long! But someday I hope to meet someone who can be my friend.

Until next time...

I moved to a new city back in March of this year. I've not been happy since. It's very hard moving to a city you know nothing about. I moved here for one reason only, to be close to my daughter and grandsons. I had missed 2 years of their lives and I didn't want to miss anymore. One lady, I lived in her basement had told me that the kids couldn't come back because they were too loud. She raised 3 of her own.  Then the next person I lived with, only let me keep my grand kids once, I think it was. This time I was shocked to say the least because she is one of my grand kids other grandmother! How could you do that to your own grandchild!

My mistake was not driving down here to see the house my son-n-law found for me.  My daughter had taken lots of pictures for me  to see. I said OK, and with-in a week I was moved to Columbus.

The house itself is kind of cute, but I had no idea of all the problems this house has. It's a very old house but has had a lot of work done to it, but still, too many problems for me to have to deal with. I rather not go into details about the house.

Having said all that, I'm thankful because I have a roof over my head, cool air, heat, a bed to sleep in,  food to eat, and more.

I keep my youngest grandson during the week while my daughter works. But it's very hard to keep him with some of my medical problems. However, I do it anyway because I love my grand kids!

I've been unhappy here, so I called my Uncle Papa for some advice.  He lives in another state, far away.  He told me that every one gets unhappy here and there, but if your unhappy every day, then you need to move back home.  The hard part about that is trying to  tell my grandsons. I did talk with them about it a few weeks ago, but one got really mad and the other one cried.  That really tore me up!  So now, I'm at a loss as to what to do.

As far as my rent goes, I'm on a month to month lease, so that's good. 

This week was not a good week for me.  My neighbors dog was shot in the neck. Their dog's name was "Ghost." She was the sweetest Pit bull and she was only about a year old.  She was found close to my front porch. The mail man found her. She was still alive. It was pouring down rain that day.  Ghost died at the Vet's office about 10 minutes after we got her there.  If only I had of reacted faster. 

The entire time I was with that precious dog,  my husband was on my mind. I needed him here with me, but HE left me, HE left all of us!!!  I just wanted someone to hold me in their arms.  You might say that I'm really tired of finding dying dogs, having my own dog drop dead right in front of me, literally!  I'm tired of watching people die, right in front of me and finding them dead!  This isn't the first time either and it doesn't get easier.

I tried to reach out to a couple of friends, but I think I bothered them.  I feel really bad about that. Don't get me wrong, these people are really good people, I just think I've bothered them too much.

It's been 2 years and 4 months since I found my husband that tragic morning.  I've been riddled with guilt ever since I found my husband hanging. But that or anything else just doesn't seem to matter to most now. They don't want to hear it. I even had someone tell me to just let it go, and go on with my life, forget about it!!  Easy for her to say as she still has her husband!

Yes, I'm sad.... yes, I'm angry.... yes, I'm confused... yes, I'm lonely....yes, I'm all alone...yes, I feel guilty...but I keep telling myself, at least I have God!  While I've been living here, I have questioned my faith.  I really needed someone to talk to about it but no one was available.  I've noticed that people just don't want anything to do with someone like me. I didn't do this do myself, my husband did! I think people who have not been through something like this, truly do NOT understand! They can't even imagine, so they tend to back away. Dang, I'm not dead! I'm still living!

I've lost interest in things that I used to do on an every day basis.   But I know one day I'll get right back into things. I just want to be happy again! I hate being so alone!

This is what happens to someone when your loved one takes their own life. Please, do NOT take your own life. It does and will get better with-in time.  You have to have faith in God, even as little as a mustard seed.

Until next time....

Today wasn't a good day for me. Sometimes when I'm thinking I can't figure out if my way of thinking is just 'having another bad day' or is what I'm thinking real. Is what I'm thinking right or wrong...

I still carry so much guilt. The more I think, the worse it gets. I still have so many questions and I'll never get an answer.

It's hard to find a purpose in life right now, but I know there is. My grandchildren are. They are keeping me going.

I can't quilt or sew, I can't scrapbook, I can't read a good book...

Sometimes I think back when my grandmother passed away.  I wander why she gave up on her grandchildren and died. I was told that she had just given up. I beginning to think I know why now, just a little bit.

I though things would be different after 2 years, 3 months and 9 days. Oh my, things ARE different alright. 

I miss my friends and I miss Conyers. It's just 2 hours away. I've been back to Conyers once since I moved in March. I have to be in Conyers again in September.

I'm moving on, but I've not let go of my Dale...not sure I can. He was a good man. I loved him, cherished the ground he walked on too. I had no clue that he was going to hurt himself. If I had only got up the first time I woke up, if I had only seen the signs and yet they were right in front of me the whole time. Some still blame me and that really tears me up inside. I'm not even sure that my husband really truly loved me, why would he leave if he did?

I still feel alone, lonely and just lost. Will it ever get any better? I still cannot see past what's right in front of me.

Just another bad day in the life of a widow who dearly misses her Husband...

The last time I wrote on my blog, I said that no one was listening. I've also gone back and rewrote the last entry. I realize that there are people who are listening/reading. Some read, some don't. Some leave messages, some don't, I just wish people would at least ask me how I'm doing since my husbands death. His family never ask me how I'm doing and that hurts.

Grief is a strange thing. It will eventually happen to all of us. We all will suffer a great loss in our lives. I do believe that people react differently to each loss. I know I have. I lost my entire family. I have an Uncle and 3 cousins and of course my daughter, son-n-law and my grandsons. I also have cousins from my fathers side of the family that I knew nothing about until I found my real Father. I grew up not knowing any of them. That makes it hard to have them in my life.

Grief can make you think your losing your mind! I still cannot think straight, I can't sleep well, I still have dreams about him, I wake up in the middle of the night calling out his name. I don't know what I was thinking but I thought things would be better by now. In one way they are, but in other ways they are not. I know as time goes on it will become somewhat easier to live with the suicides in my family. The worse death I've ever had to deal with is the loss of my husband.

My husband has been gone 2 years and 3 months today. It's hard to believe it's been that long. I have no interest in dating or meeting another man at this time in my life, even though I'm so very lonely and alone.

I know I'm moving on, but I still cannot let go, and I don't think I will until I meet someone else one day, IF I ever do.

I saw a group on Facebook called SOS-Survivors of Suicide. I'm going to try and read more from the people of that group. Maybe it will help in some small way.

I really miss going to grief counseling. I thought I had made new friends. Since I've moved I've had no counseling and don't intend to either. I can't help but wander if I should have moved from my home town. I have no friends here. I do have my grandsons here and they are what keeps me going.

I went to a church service one morning, but I didn't like it at all.

Until another day...

Today maybe the last time I post on this blog. I have so much going on in my head right now, that all I really want to do is to sweep it all under the rug.... be done with it....not think about it anymore.  Tears will fall every day...I know some are listening but I don't know every one who reads my blog. I have no followers. I just want people who are thinking about taking their life, to know what happens to the people who love them so much after their gone.  There is a way out...but suicide isn't one of them.

It's been over 2 years now since I lost my dear husband. I just cannot get a grip, nor can I let go. The majority of my family is gone now, but this one hurt the worse.

I weep every day....I have flashes of him from when I found him and the pictures... they just don't go away in my head. At times I literally burst into tears.

I don't understand many things and some I do. There are so many unanswered questions that I'll never get answered.

I can't help but wonder if he really loved me at all. If he really did, then why did he do this to me, our daughter and our grandchildren?

I did tell him the night before how much I loved him but I don't think he heard me even though he was looking at my eyes while I talked to him. It was if God somehow told me what to say, but God took him anyway.

I still carry so much guilt, because I didn't get up when I first woke up. I sensed something wrong, but I just rolled over and went back to sleep.

I had told my husband that night before he left me, that I couldn't live without him.

I knew if would be hard being on my own, but I didn't know it was going to be this hard. Thank God I get to see my grandsons everyday.

I'm not going forward, I'm starting to go backwards and I can feel it. It really scares me too. I'm more depressed now. It's not easy living alone, especially when you don't like or want to live alone.

Will I ever get through this? I really don't know.

Most people are living their lives, while I'm just existing....

Every day this week, I've taken Marshall outside to eat lunch. We sit on the swing in the back yard. I've watched the pecan trees bloom out with beautiful green leaves and other trees too. I watched a mocking bird make a nest in one of the bushes next to the front porch, which is like a sun room. It's been beautiful! And the most precious gift of all, is that I've been able to keep my youngest grandson and I've seen my other grandsons every day! Thank you, Lord!

On the other hand, I've cried every day, gotten mad and threw my face in my pillow and screamed. The flash backs of my husband hanging just torments me.  I also remember the good times, the funny times and the sad time that we went through together.  He was so very happy when our daughter was born! She was a blessing from God to both of us and still is a blessing to me. She, with Gods help has blessed us with 4 grandsons. Yes, one is my step grandson and I don't get to see him much, but now I'll get to see him more.

My heart still aches for Dale. I still have unanswered questions that will never be answered. Why? I know some of the reasons, but his pride got in the way. Why couldn't he stay with us? I needed him and he needed me. Our daughter needed him, our grandsons needed him. They still ask me questions, but I cannot answer them. I just tell them he had an accident. I promised my daughter that I wouldn't tell them. She will tell them when the time is right.

I read an article just today about a teenage girl hanging herself after being sexually assaulted by 3 teen boys. It broke my heart and brought tears to my eyes.

There must be a way that we stop others from suicide!