Every one's marriage is different. Ours was different from others that we knew. I can only remember just a few times that I went off with the girls and he went off with guys. We just didn't do that much. We enjoyed each other's company.

I was talking with a person and I said, "My husband sheltered me." This person said, "No he didn't, you sheltered yourself". This person hardly knew my husband, didn't know anything about our marriage. At the time this was said, I was still in shock from finding him hanging.  I was in shock for months!

My husband got to the point that he worked so much that he didn't want to go anywhere, not even on the weekends.  I know he loved me, but he always put his work before me and our daughter. That's one thing that really hurt me.

The last year of his life, he went to the office every day, just waiting of the phone to ring. Day's and weeks went by before he would get a job to do, but he was at the office, no matter what. I don't understand why he didn't just have his calls forwarded to our home. At least we would have had more time together.

When he left this world, there were some things that I had to learn all over again. There were a few people who I suppose were stunned by this, but I don't they realized just how much he sheltered me.  I was always home when he came home and many times I'd greet him at the door.  In the summer I'd sit on the steps or the chairs on the porch, waiting to see him come up the driveway.

For several years I worked at home,  making designs for dog clothes. I made little dresses for small dogs. I made dog beds, belly bands, collars, scarfs and only once I made a leash. I sold them on eBay. I would sew all day long and some nights when I couldn't sleep. I also did scrap booking. I also did a lot of computer graphics.  Sitting at the sewing machine for hours a day, every day  was making my back hurt so bad, but I was also getting depressed from seeing my dear husband go down hill.

I remember  that my daughter had to show me how to use a debit card when getting gas. When I grew up, all gas stations were full service.  There was one left in Conyers on Hwy 138. I went there to get gas until it was a self serve. I know how to pump gas, have done it since I learned how to drive. But the debit card being used to get gas was new to me, just as it would be new to maybe a 15 or 16 year old.

If I had to go somewhere for him, he'd always have to draw me a map. He was really good at that and I can read a map! It's a good thing, because I have no sense of direction! Now I have a GPS. It talks too much though,  and I tell it to shut up but it doesn't listen to me. lol  :-)

I'm no longer being sheltered, but I do miss my husband. I miss being held in his arms. I don't know if there will ever be another man in my life to hold me in their arms, but I sure hope so.  I want to be loved again and  be loved back. I want to feel needed by someone.


The last year of my husbands life was so different. I just didn't really realize it until after about a year after he left this world.  I remember many times asking him if he still loved me. I remember times when I told him that I felt like he didn't love me anymore. It was as if he was pushing me away.

I wish I could have seen the signs, but I didn't. It's too late now.....and that  has torn my heart into shreds like confetti.

When I met my husband I was living in a duplex in Atlanta Georgia. I lived alone. I had a full time job. But I was miserable! I hated living alone. I do enjoy my 'alone time' but I don't like living alone.

For the next 3 weeks I'll be living alone. First time in over 30 years! My room mate will be back in 3 weeks. I'm keeping up with the dogs, the outside pond fish, the green house, the fish tanks inside and the baby fish tank.  I have my little Piper to keep me company.

I had to give her a really good bath today. She was so mad at me! She looks and feels much better now.

Since my husband decided to leave this world, I've had so many dreams about him and some nightmares. I actually woke myself up talking in my sleep about a week or so ago. I said "I need that file. Dale....Dale!" Then I realized he wasn't next to me. Piper was next to me. I just rolled over and went back to sleep.

I'm in the process of writing a poem about my late husband. When I'm done I'll share it with you. I have written a book of poetry but haven't got a copyright on it yet. I wrote it all out by hand. I'm afraid if I put it on my laptop, it just may get lost. I left extra pages so I could add to the book. I'm keeping the title to myself for now.

This was written and published in the Jonesboro Senior High School Arts and Literary Department in 1977. However they left out one word! The word was, "fall."

"When you lose someone you've loved very much,
it's like a tree losing it's beautiful fall touch."

I wrote that quote and three others. All four were published in the Zepher. I still have mine. They are also in my book.

My husband sheltered me so much, for so long.....until next time.

 

I've decided that I will not post anything from the Journals that I've written in. I'd like to keep them private.

I think that this week was the best week I've had since my husband left. We've had beautiful days and clear skies at night. I love looking up at the stars on a clear night. 

I can now laugh again! And that feels good! I used to laugh a lot and had a good sense of humor. Something took that away, but now it's coming back!

It doesn't get better over night, but as time goes on, it does get better and easier to cope.

I thank the Lord for my life and the 30 years I had with my husband. I have finally let go and I'm moving forward.

When you have someone who loves you enough to help you until you can make it on your own, it makes life much easier!

If you have ever had anyone threaten to kill themselves, regardless of how many times they make that threat, don't just not believe them, take them seriously! Try and get them help. I wish I knew then what I know now, but that wasn't the case.

I've heard people say it's the quite ones that kill themselves, but I personally do not believe that. My brother threatened 3 times. The 3rd time, he succeeded. When a person is suicidal, they are "thinking" of taking their own life and what they really want is help, but they don't know how to get it.  Sometimes they cannot see beyond what's right in front of their face. To them there is no tomorrow.  They are lost and confused. They don't think about the severe pain that the ones that love them, are going to be in more pain than they are. When they succeed, their pain is gone, but our pain is a life time.

Things do get better for the survivors, as time goes on.  It has for me. I finally can laugh again. When I would hear something funny, I'd catch myself laughing, then I'd suddenly stop. Why, you may ask. Because my loved one isn't here and cannot laugh with  me.  I've gotten over that now.

If anyone is reading this blog, and you are thinking about taking your own life, please don't.  You can leave me a message and I will help as much and as best as I can. And remember, "A stranger is a friend that I haven't met yet."

For some, they think that no one will understand what they are going through, but  there are people out there who do!

I'll be making more posts soon. They will be posts from when I started keeping a journal. That way you'll get to know my pain. If you've never experienced losing someone from suicide, you'll never understand that kind of pain. However, having said that, a death is  a terrible loss and that I do and you will understand that.

One other thing that is so very important to me, is that God carried me through this. I thank the Lord for what I do have, even after losing my house, my dogs and 90% of what we owned. And I still have to get rid of some things. God is always there, you just have to trust Him!

I have lots of work to do between now and Christmas.

Until next time..... if you need to talk, please leave me a message.

It's been 18 months today since I found my dear husband of 29 years hanging in his shop. He will live in my heart forever!

I have already forgiven both my brother and my husband for not only leaving me, but leaving everyone who loved them!

It's time now, that I move on with my own life and let go. I have my life to live now, so Dale, I love you and I'll never forget you,  but I have to move on and let go of you.

I know it will be very hard for me as it has been, but I also know that God will lead the way for me.

I want to be happy again. I want to laugh hard again. I want to be able to get out and have fun with my friends. I know that your up there with your father and mother now, and you all are with God.  I'll see you someday in Heaven, but for now, I'm still on earth. I'll never forget you and you WILL live in my heart forever!
I love you, goodbye my love....

My Aunt called and told me that my brother, Michael had called her and said he was going to kill himself.  I had no idea until my Aunt told me, that he had made this threat 2 other times before. Now this was the third.

My Aunt asked me if I thought he would do it. I said yes! I know he will!  She asked me to try and call him and get online to try and talk to him. I called, but he didn't answer. I got online but when he saw me online, he got off right away.We both were on AOL at that time. I had that "gut" feeling again!

I was so upset, that I called my best friend, the one I've known since I was 5 years old. My brother used to call her "stinky". Not because she stunk, it was just his way of picking on her because he liked her.  If my brother picked on someone, that meant he liked them.

I told her that my Aunt had called and said that Michael was threatening to kill himself. I was crying and told her that I know he will do it.  I just knew he was going to go through with it.  She tried to assure me that he wouldn't do that, but I kept telling her that he would.

My brother had pushed me out of his life. He pushed his friends out of his life. He didn't want me to know where he lived or his phone number. But I do thank the Lord that I got to talk to him quite a bit via email and on the phone the last year of his life.

I was so worried for the rest of the day. I was so stressed. I don't understand though, why didn't my Aunt give me his address. Just maybe I could have stopped him.

When you lose someone from suicide, there will always be those "What ifs, Could ofs, I should have and more." There is always a feeling of guilt. There are so many unanswered questions, even when you kind of know why.

The phone rang about 1:00 AM on January 1, 1998,  New Years Day. I answered the phone, it was my Aunt. She said, "I just got a call from the coroners office". I screamed so loud that I woke up my husband and my daughter. I gave the phone to my husband and I went in the living room and just broke down and cried.

My only sibling, my only brother, was gone.  He was only 41 years old. I found out where he lived after he died. What little he had left, went to me. My husband and I buried him.  His car was parked in the garage. For 2 years I thought he was in his car. But one night while I was thinking about him, I asked my husband, "If he was in the car, how did his clothes get wet?" My husband said, "you dont' know do you?" I said, "no."  He then told me that my brother had laid down by the exhaust pipe while his car was running in the garage. It had gotten so hot that the sprinkler system came on and the alarms.

Once again, my heart had been shattered to pieces!

I've lost my mother, my grandmother, my real father, my adoptive step father, an Uncle, my Aunt,  a dear friend, more friends, more people than I could have ever imagined in my life.  They were either sick or died in their sleep and one was killed in a single car accident. I felt horrible pain for all those loses, but when I lost my only brother from suicide, this kind of pain was something that I never had before. It was so much different! I don't know how to explain it, but it very different.

When I lost my husband from suicide, the pain was different than when  my brother committed suicide. I was the one that found my husband. I think the pain is different and more unbearable when your the one who finds your loved one and knowing that there is nothing you can do, when they commit suicide. 

I was in total shock when I found my husband.  The worse thing about it, is that I was on the phone with our daughter when I found him.  She later told me that when she heard me scream, she knew something happened, because the only other time she's ever heard me scream like that was when my brother committed suicide.

One thing that I've always hated, is I get these "gut" feelings about things and they end up happening.  The last time that my husband and I made love, as we lay in each others arms, I knew it would be the last time we would ever make love again.  I even told him that a few days later. It was the last time we had made love. I don't know how I knew, but I did.

I believe suicide runs in families. My husbands mother committed suicide. My husband committed suicide.  When I was about 18 years old, I tried to commit suicide myself. I took a full bottle of pills, but I got really scared and had to call someone to come get me.  But I will never again try to kill myself!

When someone takes their own life, because of how much pain they are in, the ones left behind are hurt the worse. Their pain continues on and on. But the individual who took their own life, their pain has stopped.

After that, we left and went to my daughters house. The next day was a Saturday. That was the day of his funeral. I wanted to wait until Monday, but some just disagreed with me. I was in such shock that at the time it really didn't matter. 

As I look back,  to the day of the funeral, I looked horrible! All I did was put on a skirt and a top, nothing that was even pretty.

We got there a little early. There were flowers and plants and lots of pictures of him and I and our daughter. There was a beautiful puzzle piece that had his ashes in it. There is a large puzzle in the mausoleum and it is beautiful! His puzzle piece went to the puzzle.

As I stood there looking at everything, still thinking that this is all just a really bad dream, my old boss and dear friend came up to me. She told me she had been in the mountains and as soon as she heard, her and her husband turned around and came back. She said to me that she couldn't stay because she wasn't dressed properly. But she didn't leave before she told me some things that were very encouraging words. She is a wonderful lady!

As I sat next to my best friend that I've known since I was 5 years old, one my left side and my daughter on my right side,  my daughter started crying. It tore me up to see her like that. I put my arm around her.  That's all I knew to do.  It really breaks my heart when I see her in that kind of pain!

Finally it was all over with and we went back to my daughters home.  I think that night we all went to eat. All of my husbands family, my daughter and grandchildren, son-n-law.  I had to force myself to eat a bowl of soup. Someone had told the waitresses and when we left and were standing outside, two of them hugged me and told me how sorry they were for my loss.

I'm not sure how long after my husband passed away, one of my grandsons said that he thinks a snake got around granddaddy's neck. I was not allowed to tell my grandchildren what really happened. I did tell him that is wasn't a snake. I just told him that granddaddy had an accident.  They are not my children, so I had to respect what my daughter asked of me and I did.

I lost my mother when I was 11 years old. I didn't meet my real father until I was 25 years old.  I was adopted by my step father in 1968. I was 8 years old.
I had one real brother and two step brothers.  All of them were older than me.

My real brother and my oldest step brother had the same first and middle name. My real brother had his first name changed before we lost our mother.

Michael, my real brother was nearly 15 years old when our mother died. She had a rare type of brain tumor, called an Ependymoma. It was the size of a grapefruit which was also rare.  This type is not hereditary.

We were devastated to say the least. I'll never forget the pain I felt for years after she died.  I don't think any child should have to watch their mother die in the hospital, but I did. I was the youngest and didn't fully understand.

To this day, there are times that I really need my mother.  I was raised without a mother and it made life very hard. I never forgot her. The pain I felt from her death was horrible!

Not long after she passed, my step father kicked my real brother, Michael out of the house. He got to go live with our grandmother. My step father would not allow me to go live with her. In fact, I was no longer allowed to see or speak to her. I was no longer allowed to see or speak to my only brother, Michael.  I'll never forget sitting in the living room, watching my brother leave, leaving me there with people that I didn't belong to. I just sat and cried, while watching him walk out the door, then getting into our grandmothers car, leaving.

My grandmother and my brother would come to the high school, during lunch and I got to see them.

My step father re-married in December, just 8 months after my mothers death. The next year he was divorced and married again. This woman had a house in Florida.

We had to move to Florida. It was just me and my younger step brother. He was a year older than me. It wasn't long before the school knew something was going on. 

I refused to dress out in PE. The teacher told me she would fail me if I didn't start dressing out. I was so upset! The other PE teacher called me in her office one day and I had to show her my back.

It wasn't long at all before my step brother and I were told that if he hit us again, to run out of the house as fast as we could and get to the nearest phone.  We did, but the woman that we were supposed to call had gone out of town. So, we roamed  around for 3 days and 3 nights. We were so hungry that we finally walked to the police department. They fed us and we ate every bit of what they gave us! We were taken to a shelter home. I was in about 7 different foster homes in less than a year.

My grandmother came to Florida and talked with the counselor's at school and DEFACS.  They were in the process of giving her custody of me.

Over the Easter holidays, she sent me a ticket to fly back to Georgia to see her. I got to stay with her for a week! That was really fun. My brother and I had gone to see one of our uncles. When we got back home, she was crying and told us that we had to take her to the hospital.  Before I left to go back to Florida, I saw her. I made her a promise that I did keep, it just took me a while.

I went back to foster care. I got a few letters from my Aunt. They were not good news.

I was very sick, deathly sick. I had to have surgery, but the doctor in Florida refused to do the surgery without seeing the actually x-rays from the previous surgeries. Why, I don't know. But I did know that if I didn't have the surgery, I would die.

I ran away from the foster home. Three days later one of my teachers knew that I was staying with a girlfriend from school. When she got home she told me he was parked up the street. She said that he needed to talk to me and he would not force me to get in his car. I had that gut feeling again. I walked up the road and talked with him. He told me that if I didn't get in the car with him and go to DEFACS that I would regret it for the rest of my life. So, I got in the car and went to DEFACS. My case worker called me in her office. That's when I found out that my grandmother had died. They had given her custody of me, but I never got to go live with her.

Again, my heart was shattered. The pain from losing her was devastating.  She had died 2 days before I found out. I was not allowed to go to her funeral. She was buried next to my mother.

I had no choice but to go back and live with my step father, who had moved back to Georgia in the same house we grew up in.  He made promises to me that he never kept. But he did take me to my doctor. My doctor put me in the hospital and did the surgery.  A few days later I was taken to emergency surgery because of complications. I really thought I was going to die. I was extremely sick. I spent 3 weeks in the hospital. I went back home with my step father and my 3 step mother.

I just couldn't take it any more, so I ran away and turned myself in on a Friday night. I tried to tell them to call my case worker in Florida, but it was the weekend and they couldn't get in touch with her. My step father told them all kinds of lies about me and told them to keep me there. He said he didn't want me. So Juvenile Hall locked me up.

The following Monday my Aunt and Uncle picked me up. I lived with them for several years. I  was 15 at the time.  A year later my granddaddy died. I never got to meet my grandparents from my real fathers side. Again, my heart was broken.

From the time I was 15 until I was in my early twenties, I went through more hell than you could ever imagine.

Then I met my husband and my life got better. We had our ups and downs and arguments but we made it work.

On December 31, 1997, I got a call from my Aunt who now lived out of state. It was about my brother, Michael.

For the past 8 years he didn't want to see or talk to me. He pushed everyone out of his life. The last year of his life, he called me many times. We emailed each other many times. He asked me so many questions about our past, did this happen to you?  Weren't you made to do this and that? I thought he knew, but I guess he wasn't sure. He always talked about the past.

During that last year of his life, he had told me that I was the strong one. I never thought I was strong at all. He said that I was the only one to get married and stay married. He had married twice and divorced twice. He had 2 daughters from his first marriage and 1 son from his second marriage. When he and his second wife divorced, they agreed that Michael wouldn't see his son and he wouldn't have to pay child support. I don't think he ever saw him again. He did get to see his daughters though.

It was New Years Eve when I got a call from my Aunt.