Every one's marriage is different. Ours was different from others that we knew. I can only remember just a few times that I went off with the girls and he went off with guys. We just didn't do that much. We enjoyed each other's company.

I was talking with a person and I said, "My husband sheltered me." This person said, "No he didn't, you sheltered yourself". This person hardly knew my husband, didn't know anything about our marriage. At the time this was said, I was still in shock from finding him hanging.  I was in shock for months!

My husband got to the point that he worked so much that he didn't want to go anywhere, not even on the weekends.  I know he loved me, but he always put his work before me and our daughter. That's one thing that really hurt me.

The last year of his life, he went to the office every day, just waiting of the phone to ring. Day's and weeks went by before he would get a job to do, but he was at the office, no matter what. I don't understand why he didn't just have his calls forwarded to our home. At least we would have had more time together.

When he left this world, there were some things that I had to learn all over again. There were a few people who I suppose were stunned by this, but I don't they realized just how much he sheltered me.  I was always home when he came home and many times I'd greet him at the door.  In the summer I'd sit on the steps or the chairs on the porch, waiting to see him come up the driveway.

For several years I worked at home,  making designs for dog clothes. I made little dresses for small dogs. I made dog beds, belly bands, collars, scarfs and only once I made a leash. I sold them on eBay. I would sew all day long and some nights when I couldn't sleep. I also did scrap booking. I also did a lot of computer graphics.  Sitting at the sewing machine for hours a day, every day  was making my back hurt so bad, but I was also getting depressed from seeing my dear husband go down hill.

I remember  that my daughter had to show me how to use a debit card when getting gas. When I grew up, all gas stations were full service.  There was one left in Conyers on Hwy 138. I went there to get gas until it was a self serve. I know how to pump gas, have done it since I learned how to drive. But the debit card being used to get gas was new to me, just as it would be new to maybe a 15 or 16 year old.

If I had to go somewhere for him, he'd always have to draw me a map. He was really good at that and I can read a map! It's a good thing, because I have no sense of direction! Now I have a GPS. It talks too much though,  and I tell it to shut up but it doesn't listen to me. lol  :-)

I'm no longer being sheltered, but I do miss my husband. I miss being held in his arms. I don't know if there will ever be another man in my life to hold me in their arms, but I sure hope so.  I want to be loved again and  be loved back. I want to feel needed by someone.


The last year of my husbands life was so different. I just didn't really realize it until after about a year after he left this world.  I remember many times asking him if he still loved me. I remember times when I told him that I felt like he didn't love me anymore. It was as if he was pushing me away.

I wish I could have seen the signs, but I didn't. It's too late now.....and that  has torn my heart into shreds like confetti.