19 Months

It's hard to believe that it's been 19 months today, since I lost my dear husband so tragically, so suddenly.  My life hasn't been the same and it never will be again. He was my soul mate, my rock..now he lives in my heart. I can't see him, except the flashes of that tragic day. They just flash like lighting,one picture after another, through my brain. I can't  hold him in my arms anymore. I can't kiss him anymore. I can't hear his voice anymore.  I can't see his beautiful eyes anymore.  So many times today, my eyes have filled with tears. Oh God, how I miss him! It's so hard learning to live without him. I still wake myself up, crying out loud for him, saying his name. I roll over in bed to hold him, and realize, oh... yeah...he's not here anymore. I have so many dreams about him. I don't know what they mean. In the dreams, I'm trying to reach him, but I can't. People say to me, you look good, you sound better, but behind my so called smile, I'm in so much pain.  Will it ever get better? Will the pain stop? I know that I shouldn't say this, but will I ever be loved again?  I have learned recently, that the few who blame me are judging me and only God can do that. I know it wasn't my fault what so ever at all. But I'll always feel so guilty because when I first woke up, I didn't get up. I don't know why I didn't get up......

For a very long time after my husband left me, I would at times catch myself laughing at something funny, then quickly stopped laughing, because he wasn't here to laugh with me. I can now laugh again, but there are times when I just stop laughing because he pops in my mind.

I used to love to sing. He would pick out a CD and say to me, sing this song. So I'd get the microphone and sing for him. It took me a long time before I could sing again. Now I have been writing a poem about my husband but I sing it. I don't have any of my music paper to write it down nor do I have my piano anymore.

For a while I wouldn't hardly eat anything, because he wasn't here to eat with me.  I'm eating a little better now but need to get back on my diabetic diet.

Today I was in the grocery store was going down the isle and saw the Folgers Coffee, Colombian. Tears filled my eyes because that was the kind of coffee he bought and made every morning. I rarely drink coffee now.

The morning of that tragic day, he make a pot of coffee but never fixed him a cup. I will always wonder why he made the coffee in the first place. Had he been planning his death? Or could it just been a sudden decision? I'll never know...

I have begun to move on, but letting go is the hardest thing to do.

Somethings I do, I just feel so guilty because he isn't here with me to share them with.

For anyone who is reading this, please do NOT take your own life. It IS the most selfish act a human can make. People take their own life because they don't know anyway out of their situation. Some take their on life because they feel like they just don't have a choice anymore. They cannot see beyond what's right in front of their face. The ones left behind are the ones that hurt the most.

Until next time...

I said that I would not post anymore on my blog. I have decided that I will post some from time to time but will not post any personal things about my husband, that I loved so very much.

It been 18 months and 17 days since that tragic morning that changed my life in an instance! Life has not been the same at all.

As I posted in an earlier post, I lost my husband, our home, our dogs,  ( I was able to get one of my dogs back) and 90% of what we owned. I have very little left and I'm going to have to sell some other things soon.

It has been by the grace of God that I've gotten this far. I've been able to get my meds and gas in my Durango, but now....I have no idea where the money will come from.

I'm in the process of making things that I think people will buy such as baby headband's, preemie blankets and more.

My insurance is due this month for my Durango, but I just don't have the money. I cannot stand not being able to take myself where I need to go and have to depend on others. But I do know that somehow the Lord will provide.

I pray that at my hearing next month with a Judge, will grant me Widows Disability Social Security.  Lord help me if I get turned down.

Every day I ask, "Dale, how could you leave me in this position?" Even though he's not here to answer me back. I still cry for him, every day.

I've cried for my daughter and my grandchildren and all of my husbands family.  I still haven't been able to "let go." I know one day I will. 

I am tired of hearing the words, "pity party!" I hate those words. I also don't like being told that I have to move on. Well, if I wasn't moving on, I sure wouldn't be here writing on my blog to help get my feelings out. Have I let go? No, not really.

I have been blamed by several people for my husbands death! It's just not right! I didn't do this to my husband, I did not drive him to do this. This was HIS choice, not mine.

I hate the flashes that swarm my brain with the images of that tragic day, the pictures that I got from the police that they had taken. Even though I no longer have the pictures, they are branded deep within my brain. Sometimes, no matter where I'm at, I get tears in my eyes. I think the one thing that people don't realize, is that I'm constantly thinking of my husband....even when I'm talking to someone else about anything else but him.

I had everything I could have ever wanted, but I would have gave it all away, if I could just have my husband.  And I told him that the night before he left me. We were supposed to grow old together and now that won't happen.

I will always love him, but I hate what he did, not just to me, but to all who loved him.

Until next time...

My husband was a good man. He took very good care of me the many times I was in the hospital. I love him and he'll live in my heart forever.  But I must go on with my life without him.

I hope that I can meet someone someday, sooner than later and spend the rest of my life with him, who ever God decides that is. I just don't want to grow old alone.

Please, please, do not tell me that you understand unless you've walked in my shoes. When you've spent over half your life with someone and you find them after they have taken their own life, do not tell me that you understand, because you do not!

The days are getting better, but I have my down days. I still cry every day for my husband. I woke up this morning and reached for him, thinking he was laying next to me, but when I raised my head and opened my eyes, I realized, he was really gone.  That happens often and I'll be glad when that doesn't happen anymore.

It seems that it never fails, that when I really need someone to talk too, there is no one to talk too. Like yesterday and last night. No, I wasn't feeling sorry for myself.  I wasn't having a pity party either, I'm still grieving. 

Every day is a new day. I have no choice but to take one day at a time. As hard as that is, I just have to do that now.

I have a lot of flashbacks to that horrible day when I found my dear husband hanging in his shop.  As I type these words, tears are streaming down my face. He's gone and I'm still here. I know most of the reasons why he did this, but I'm so mad because he hurt himself, he left me, our beautiful daughter that was our miracle child, and our precious grandsons! He left all who loved him! 

Our daughter was a twin, but we lost her twin about 3-4 months into the pregnancy and we nearly lost her! I thank God for her and my grandsons.

I want to live and not just exist and go on like a robot!

I have so much anger boiling inside of  me right now at my husband for what he did,  that I feel like I'm just going to explode! 

If I had a gun I'd shoot a tree over and over and over! But I don't. I don't even like guns. I wish I had a lot of unwanted glass so I could throw them all against a tree and break them!

I feel like a volcano, just boiling away and soon I'm going to erupt! I just don't want to take it out on someone else.

I wish I could go somewhere to be alone until after the first of the year is over.

I guess this is what happens when you start getting angry at your loved one?

My own flesh and blood and others blame me for my husbands death!

I don't know how much more I can take of this.

One of the several reasons that I don't like going to church is because there are too many hypocrites! I can't stand hypocrites. They all think they are better than everyone else, but they are not! They hurt you, say bad things about you, never help you, then go to church and be all righteous!

Is this what it feels like when you finally get good and mad?

I'm just so angry right now.........

When I woke up, I was laying straight in the bed, covers on and a nurse on each side of me. My husband was standing at the end of the bed. I heard the nurse whisper to the other nurse, "Her BP is 80/44." I asked them, "Why is my blood pressure so low?" She said, "That's normal for your condition."

I cannot explain the look on my husbands face, but he did look scared.

They finally got the results from the blood test that they took that morning, that I have no memory of.

Then my Doctor came in. His back was facing me at the end of my bed. As he turned around, he said, "We have some alarming news. Your blood count has dropped to  5.4." He knew nothing about me or what I knew. He just thought I was some ignorant housewife. When I heard those numbers, I scooted backwards in the bed and said in somewhat of a loud voice, "Oh God, please don't let me die!"  Later on when I was out of the hospital and had a follow up visit at his office, he said to me, "Your words will ring in my ears forever!"

Another nurse came to the door and my doctor had asked her "How many units of blood do they have." I think she said 7.  By this time, I kept telling them that I felt like I was dying! I remember one of the nurses said to me, "We take someone seriously when they say they feel like their dying. I remember saying it over and over.

They rushed me into emergency surgery. All I remember was the same anesthesiologist said, "Sherry, do you remember me from yesterday?" And then I was out. And no, I didn't remember.

I found out later they had given me 6 units of blood and 2 units of fresh frozen plasma. I've heard they only give fresh frozen plasma to shock patients.

When I woke up, I was in so much pain! My husband was still there with me. I don't remember being in the recovery room at all.

Finally, after I pass out, go into shock, they get the results of the blood tests back, they believed me!! They were stunned to say the least.

I had IV's hooked up to me, potassium, lipids, and I cannot remember the other ones. I think there were 2 more.

They told me later, after I was stable, which took several days that if I had of went home, I would have died. Some of the nurses asked me, "How did you know?" Well, I don't know how I knew, but I did.  One nurse told me that they rarely take a patient 'home' with them. They were trained that way. But one nurse had told me that when she got home, she couldn't stop thinking of me.

I never saw the Psychiatrist again!

I made a complaint about the nurse in the 'out patient' recovery for saying what she did. The president of the hospital came to my room and said, "We'll just chalk it up to a bad hair day!" I was so drugged up, I didn't say very much after that.

My husband was with me every day. He helped take care of me. He washed my hair for me, and shaved my legs for me!

The doctor told me that they had snipped many areas where I had scar tissue and adhesion's. They said that I was bleeding in about 100 different places! He had told me it would have been much easier if I was bleeding in just one area instead of so many areas. The blood was ouseing out slowly into my abdomen. My doctor told me that they had to cauterize in about 100 different places!

They did save my life! I was grateful for that! But I never saw a GYN again! The good thing about this, is that I never smoked again! That was just over 18 years ago!  I did thank the doctors who nearly let me die for saving my life.

It says some where in the Bible that if you cry out loud to God, He will hear you. He heard me that day for sure! The Lord was with me every step of the way!

My sweet husband took such good care of me when I got to go home. He hated seeing me like that. He was my rock and I loved him dearly for taking such good care of me.

Until next time....

At that time in my life I smoked. My husband smoked too. I was told by my Doctor not to smoke a cigarette the morning of the surgery. I was so sick, I couldn't smoke one!

I keep telling my husband that I don't think I should have this surgery.  I was so sick that I asked him to take me to the local hospital because I was vomiting so much. It was really just dry heaves. We went into the ER. They took me back and I told the nurse that I don't want to have the surgery. She said, "You'll be fine! I've had the same surgery." They called the hospital that I was supposed to be at for the sugery and told them I was running late and what had happened.

On the way, I kept telling my husband that I didn't think that I should go through with this.

As soon as we got to where we were supposed to be, I got on a gown, they started an IV and I don't remember anything until I woke up in the "out patient" recovery.

I knew something was wrong. I guess I've had enough surgeries to know when something isn't right. I wasn't coming out of the anesthesia the way I should have and I couldn't empty my bladder.

I was crying and tried to tell the nurse that was taking care of me, that something is wrong and if you send me home, I won't make it! I cried, I begged and I pleaded to let them let me stay over night. The nurse kept telling me there is nothing wrong with you. You can go home. You will be fine. But I knew I wasn't fine, I just didn't know what. Finally they let me speak on the phone to the nurse at my Doctors office. She tried to convince me that I would be fine, but I told her the same thing, "If you send me home, I won't make it!" Finally she said, "Okay,  we will admit you." That was a relief!

Several of my girlfriends came up to the hospital that night to see me. I remember they kept asking my husband why is she in so much pain? He didn't know.

Later a nurse came in and I had to tell her that I needed a catheter! She said "When was the last time you emptied your bladder?" I said, "At 6:30." She looked at her watch and said, "It's only been 30 minutes!" That's when my husband said, "No, 6:30 this morning!" That got her moving! And it's not normal to go 12 hours and not empty your bladder.

Then a Psychiatrist comes in to see me. I guess they thought I was crazy. My husband had told me later that when I was in the out patient recovery, he over heard the nurse telling another nurse, "Why do I always get these kind?" He was mad and I was just hurt!

The Psychiatrist asked me why I thought I needed to stay. I said, " I don't know but if you send me home, I won't make it!" They really thought I was a basket case! They started giving me Valium. I tried to tell them I didn't need that!

I was in a lot of pain! They did give me something for the pain as well as the Valium.

The next morning they drew blood but I don't remember. I was so out of it and it wasn't from Valium or pain meds. I remember telling the nurse that something was wrong, I didn't feel right. She said I was just hyperventilating! The truth is that the first thing I remember that morning was sitting on the toilet trying to put my head down to my knees to keep me from passing out. For some strange reason the nurse shoved a wash cloth at me and said, "Here, wash your boobs!" I saw my dear sweet husband standing behind her. I don't remember when my husband got there that morning.
I shoved that wash cloth right back at her! I said, "No, I'm going to pass out!" She just said the same thing, "Your hyperventilating!" 

I remember them helping me to the bed. I was sitting up side ways and I was still telling her that I'm going to pass out. Well....not only did I pass out, I went into shock!   Until next time.....