My husband was a good man. He took very good care of me the many times I was in the hospital. I love him and he'll live in my heart forever.  But I must go on with my life without him.

I hope that I can meet someone someday, sooner than later and spend the rest of my life with him, who ever God decides that is. I just don't want to grow old alone.

Please, please, do not tell me that you understand unless you've walked in my shoes. When you've spent over half your life with someone and you find them after they have taken their own life, do not tell me that you understand, because you do not!

The days are getting better, but I have my down days. I still cry every day for my husband. I woke up this morning and reached for him, thinking he was laying next to me, but when I raised my head and opened my eyes, I realized, he was really gone.  That happens often and I'll be glad when that doesn't happen anymore.

It seems that it never fails, that when I really need someone to talk too, there is no one to talk too. Like yesterday and last night. No, I wasn't feeling sorry for myself.  I wasn't having a pity party either, I'm still grieving. 

Every day is a new day. I have no choice but to take one day at a time. As hard as that is, I just have to do that now.

I have a lot of flashbacks to that horrible day when I found my dear husband hanging in his shop.  As I type these words, tears are streaming down my face. He's gone and I'm still here. I know most of the reasons why he did this, but I'm so mad because he hurt himself, he left me, our beautiful daughter that was our miracle child, and our precious grandsons! He left all who loved him! 

Our daughter was a twin, but we lost her twin about 3-4 months into the pregnancy and we nearly lost her! I thank God for her and my grandsons.

I want to live and not just exist and go on like a robot!