My husband was a good man. He took very good care of me the many times I was in the hospital. I love him and he'll live in my heart forever.  But I must go on with my life without him.

I hope that I can meet someone someday, sooner than later and spend the rest of my life with him, who ever God decides that is. I just don't want to grow old alone.

Please, please, do not tell me that you understand unless you've walked in my shoes. When you've spent over half your life with someone and you find them after they have taken their own life, do not tell me that you understand, because you do not!

The days are getting better, but I have my down days. I still cry every day for my husband. I woke up this morning and reached for him, thinking he was laying next to me, but when I raised my head and opened my eyes, I realized, he was really gone.  That happens often and I'll be glad when that doesn't happen anymore.

It seems that it never fails, that when I really need someone to talk too, there is no one to talk too. Like yesterday and last night. No, I wasn't feeling sorry for myself.  I wasn't having a pity party either, I'm still grieving. 

Every day is a new day. I have no choice but to take one day at a time. As hard as that is, I just have to do that now.

I have a lot of flashbacks to that horrible day when I found my dear husband hanging in his shop.  As I type these words, tears are streaming down my face. He's gone and I'm still here. I know most of the reasons why he did this, but I'm so mad because he hurt himself, he left me, our beautiful daughter that was our miracle child, and our precious grandsons! He left all who loved him! 

Our daughter was a twin, but we lost her twin about 3-4 months into the pregnancy and we nearly lost her! I thank God for her and my grandsons.

I want to live and not just exist and go on like a robot!

I have so much anger boiling inside of  me right now at my husband for what he did,  that I feel like I'm just going to explode! 

If I had a gun I'd shoot a tree over and over and over! But I don't. I don't even like guns. I wish I had a lot of unwanted glass so I could throw them all against a tree and break them!

I feel like a volcano, just boiling away and soon I'm going to erupt! I just don't want to take it out on someone else.

I wish I could go somewhere to be alone until after the first of the year is over.

I guess this is what happens when you start getting angry at your loved one?

My own flesh and blood and others blame me for my husbands death!

I don't know how much more I can take of this.

One of the several reasons that I don't like going to church is because there are too many hypocrites! I can't stand hypocrites. They all think they are better than everyone else, but they are not! They hurt you, say bad things about you, never help you, then go to church and be all righteous!

Is this what it feels like when you finally get good and mad?

I'm just so angry right now.........

When I woke up, I was laying straight in the bed, covers on and a nurse on each side of me. My husband was standing at the end of the bed. I heard the nurse whisper to the other nurse, "Her BP is 80/44." I asked them, "Why is my blood pressure so low?" She said, "That's normal for your condition."

I cannot explain the look on my husbands face, but he did look scared.

They finally got the results from the blood test that they took that morning, that I have no memory of.

Then my Doctor came in. His back was facing me at the end of my bed. As he turned around, he said, "We have some alarming news. Your blood count has dropped to  5.4." He knew nothing about me or what I knew. He just thought I was some ignorant housewife. When I heard those numbers, I scooted backwards in the bed and said in somewhat of a loud voice, "Oh God, please don't let me die!"  Later on when I was out of the hospital and had a follow up visit at his office, he said to me, "Your words will ring in my ears forever!"

Another nurse came to the door and my doctor had asked her "How many units of blood do they have." I think she said 7.  By this time, I kept telling them that I felt like I was dying! I remember one of the nurses said to me, "We take someone seriously when they say they feel like their dying. I remember saying it over and over.

They rushed me into emergency surgery. All I remember was the same anesthesiologist said, "Sherry, do you remember me from yesterday?" And then I was out. And no, I didn't remember.

I found out later they had given me 6 units of blood and 2 units of fresh frozen plasma. I've heard they only give fresh frozen plasma to shock patients.

When I woke up, I was in so much pain! My husband was still there with me. I don't remember being in the recovery room at all.

Finally, after I pass out, go into shock, they get the results of the blood tests back, they believed me!! They were stunned to say the least.

I had IV's hooked up to me, potassium, lipids, and I cannot remember the other ones. I think there were 2 more.

They told me later, after I was stable, which took several days that if I had of went home, I would have died. Some of the nurses asked me, "How did you know?" Well, I don't know how I knew, but I did.  One nurse told me that they rarely take a patient 'home' with them. They were trained that way. But one nurse had told me that when she got home, she couldn't stop thinking of me.

I never saw the Psychiatrist again!

I made a complaint about the nurse in the 'out patient' recovery for saying what she did. The president of the hospital came to my room and said, "We'll just chalk it up to a bad hair day!" I was so drugged up, I didn't say very much after that.

My husband was with me every day. He helped take care of me. He washed my hair for me, and shaved my legs for me!

The doctor told me that they had snipped many areas where I had scar tissue and adhesion's. They said that I was bleeding in about 100 different places! He had told me it would have been much easier if I was bleeding in just one area instead of so many areas. The blood was ouseing out slowly into my abdomen. My doctor told me that they had to cauterize in about 100 different places!

They did save my life! I was grateful for that! But I never saw a GYN again! The good thing about this, is that I never smoked again! That was just over 18 years ago!  I did thank the doctors who nearly let me die for saving my life.

It says some where in the Bible that if you cry out loud to God, He will hear you. He heard me that day for sure! The Lord was with me every step of the way!

My sweet husband took such good care of me when I got to go home. He hated seeing me like that. He was my rock and I loved him dearly for taking such good care of me.

Until next time....

At that time in my life I smoked. My husband smoked too. I was told by my Doctor not to smoke a cigarette the morning of the surgery. I was so sick, I couldn't smoke one!

I keep telling my husband that I don't think I should have this surgery.  I was so sick that I asked him to take me to the local hospital because I was vomiting so much. It was really just dry heaves. We went into the ER. They took me back and I told the nurse that I don't want to have the surgery. She said, "You'll be fine! I've had the same surgery." They called the hospital that I was supposed to be at for the sugery and told them I was running late and what had happened.

On the way, I kept telling my husband that I didn't think that I should go through with this.

As soon as we got to where we were supposed to be, I got on a gown, they started an IV and I don't remember anything until I woke up in the "out patient" recovery.

I knew something was wrong. I guess I've had enough surgeries to know when something isn't right. I wasn't coming out of the anesthesia the way I should have and I couldn't empty my bladder.

I was crying and tried to tell the nurse that was taking care of me, that something is wrong and if you send me home, I won't make it! I cried, I begged and I pleaded to let them let me stay over night. The nurse kept telling me there is nothing wrong with you. You can go home. You will be fine. But I knew I wasn't fine, I just didn't know what. Finally they let me speak on the phone to the nurse at my Doctors office. She tried to convince me that I would be fine, but I told her the same thing, "If you send me home, I won't make it!" Finally she said, "Okay,  we will admit you." That was a relief!

Several of my girlfriends came up to the hospital that night to see me. I remember they kept asking my husband why is she in so much pain? He didn't know.

Later a nurse came in and I had to tell her that I needed a catheter! She said "When was the last time you emptied your bladder?" I said, "At 6:30." She looked at her watch and said, "It's only been 30 minutes!" That's when my husband said, "No, 6:30 this morning!" That got her moving! And it's not normal to go 12 hours and not empty your bladder.

Then a Psychiatrist comes in to see me. I guess they thought I was crazy. My husband had told me later that when I was in the out patient recovery, he over heard the nurse telling another nurse, "Why do I always get these kind?" He was mad and I was just hurt!

The Psychiatrist asked me why I thought I needed to stay. I said, " I don't know but if you send me home, I won't make it!" They really thought I was a basket case! They started giving me Valium. I tried to tell them I didn't need that!

I was in a lot of pain! They did give me something for the pain as well as the Valium.

The next morning they drew blood but I don't remember. I was so out of it and it wasn't from Valium or pain meds. I remember telling the nurse that something was wrong, I didn't feel right. She said I was just hyperventilating! The truth is that the first thing I remember that morning was sitting on the toilet trying to put my head down to my knees to keep me from passing out. For some strange reason the nurse shoved a wash cloth at me and said, "Here, wash your boobs!" I saw my dear sweet husband standing behind her. I don't remember when my husband got there that morning.
I shoved that wash cloth right back at her! I said, "No, I'm going to pass out!" She just said the same thing, "Your hyperventilating!" 

I remember them helping me to the bed. I was sitting up side ways and I was still telling her that I'm going to pass out. Well....not only did I pass out, I went into shock!   Until next time.....

I'm going to tell you the story of what happened to me, on Labor Day Weekend in 1994. 

My husband was with me through it all. He took care of me and even shaved my legs for me! What a guy!

Previous to 1994, I had about 7 surgeries just for Endometriosis. I had a severe case of it. At the time I was taking ERT. (Estrogen Replacement Therapy) I found out later that Estrogen makes Endometriosis grow. I never understood why they gave me ERT if they knew that Endometriosis thrives off of Estrogen.

I was still having a lot of pain and told my Doctor. He said, "It should be gone by now." I got a 2nd opinion. They sent me for an ultrasound at the hospital.  When I saw the look on one of the nurses face, I knew something was wrong. That same day in the afternoon I got a call from my Doctor. He said " You have a 5x3x6 cm cyst coming from a microscopic ovarian remnant. My ovaries were removed several years before this. Some how a tiny piece of an ovary was left inside.

My Doctor told me that I needed surgery. He said they would do a laparotomy and get the cyst out. A laparotomy is a large incision in your abdomen.

When I woke up they told me that my Doctor did a laparoscopic procedure. As he inserted the laparoscope into my abdomen and touched the cyst, it ruptured.  While they were in there they did a lot of snipping away scar tissue and adhesion's.

Before the surgery I had to drink a bunch of nasty stuff that I cannot remember the name of. I just couldn't drink it. I ended up throwing it all back up! My nerves were shot and I continued to vomit. I was scared but not as scared as I was on that scary day....until next time.....

I did something today that I wasn't sure I could do.  Even though I used to live in Atlanta, the area of Atlanta that I had to be at this morning at 8:00 was not a familiar place.  I don't like driving on the expressway into Atlanta especially at that time of morning. Lots of traffic. When I got to my destination, I had to park, which cost me $10.00!! I had to walk a block down the road all by myself. All of this was so new to me and I was a little scared. But, I did it and I did it all by myself!

I remember when I was the photographer for the year book when my daughter was in the 2nd grade, her teacher said to me, "When you can't find help, you just do it all by yourself."  I guess she was right.

This really made me mad at my late husband! This is the first time that I really was angry at him for leaving me! How dare him leave me like this! He left so he didn't have to deal with everything and now I have a mess to fix. I still will always love him, but dang, I'm  just so angry right now. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I finished what he started. I was told that I was crazy by someone when I paid off our Attorney! I told this person, that my husband started it and I was going to see to it that it was finished!  This is what he wanted. Today, it was finished!

This week has been a very busy week for me. I'm not used to going somewhere every single day of the week. But I have to do what I have to do.

The one thing that hurts me the most besides my husband taking his own life, is that people still blame me for what he did. Even though I carry guilt, it was not my fault and I didn't drive him to do it. It was HIS choice, not mine.  The people who blame me don't have a clue what my husband and I went through the last 2 years of his life. We were fine in our marriage, but not with his business.

Holiday's are always hard. I know for me, that this time of year is the hardest. I've always had a really hard time this time of year since I lost my mother in 1971.  She was only 33 years old and I was 11 years old. My husband and my daughter could tell that I would get sad. It's a bitter sweet time of year for me.

Last year was the first Thanksgiving and Christmas that I was without my husband, daughter and my grandchildren. I spent Thanksgiving Day sitting alone, in the dark and watched TV all day. I cried a lot throughout that day.  At the end of Thanksgiving Day, the lady I was living with made me a plate of food. It was really good too. I ate alone.

On Christmas Day, I did the same thing, I sat in the dark all day long and watched TV and cried a lot. Just before Christmas Day I had met my daughter and grandchildren at a restaurant to have dinner.  There was one person missing and that was my husband.  It was all I could do to hold back my tears. As I left, driving down the road, I'd cried all the way home.

This year will be different, but I will still be very sad because my husband will not be with us. I pray that I will get to be with my daughter and my grandchildren! The love I have for them is what keeps me going.

My oldest grandsons birthday is November 27. He was born on Thanksgiving Day!  I spoke with him on the phone yesterday and I tried to tell him that I just didn't have the money to buy him a gift, but I will make him a card. He said, "Just go to the bank and get some money." I had to explain to him the same way I had to explain to my daughter when she was his age, that you have to have a job, earn money, put it in the bank in order to get money out of the bank.  He said, "Oh." I think he got it! :-) Before I explained that to him, he asked me to just buy him something cheap. Bless his heart! I don't know what I'm going to do, but somehow I'll find a way to buy him a small gift.  He'll be 9 years old! I have another grandson that will be 6 years old in December. Somehow, I'll think of something. God has provided this long, so I have to keep my faith and trust in Him.  Young children just don't understand and it breaks my heart.

I'm struggling with all of this but I know somehow the Lord will provide! I just can't give up on my daughter, grand kids or God! As hard as it is, I just refuse to.

I just have to thank the good Lord for getting me this far! I'm very thankful to be alive and have a roof over my head, heat to keep me warm, food on the table, the medications that I need to keep me living, clothes on my back, the ability to see, hear, feel, walk and so much more!

For all of you out there who feel like I do or in other situations that make your heart sad, know that God IS with you!  I have no idea what God wants me to do, but I do know, that HE is with us all!

I learned in grief counseling that there are 5 stages of grief. They are, Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining and Depression.  Recently I've learned a little bit about 2 more. They are, Submission and Reinvestment.

Everyone grieves differently. It's like a finger print, no two people grieve the same. Everyone is different.

There is no order in the stages of grief.  It can take up to 5 years for a person to work through a significant loss of a child or spouse.  The same is true for divorce.  The loss of one's home,  job or health. Never rush the process of grieving! And never let someone rush you through your grief or force you to do things that your not ready for.

"The loss of a loved one is a traumatic assault against the human soul." Found this statement in a book. This is so true!

In the initial shock, you think it's just a bad dream and when you wake up everything will be ok, but every time you wake up, you know it's not a dream. This can last for weeks,  months and even years.

No one can 'drive' someone to kill themselves. It's not anyone's fault except for the person who took their own life.  But there will always be someone that will blame the closest person to the one who took their life. Those people don't have a clue!