I didn't want to get out of bed today, but I had to be at the church at 12:30. It takes everything I have to get out of bed.   I've been asked to make bibs for infants and toddlers and crochet hats for adults.  They are all donated.  The nice lady who runs this said that she loves my work and how good I am at it. I don't take compliments very well, but I'm learning and I have so much more to learn.


I'm starting to enjoy making these, because I love sewing, crocheting, all crafts! But most of all, I'm helping people who need these. I've had help my entire life, one way or the other. I want to be able to help others. I don't do it because I enjoy it, nor do I do it because someone asked me too. I truly believe that God is the one who wants me to this, so I'm doing this for the Lord.

Some day, when I can get better from grieving, I really want to help others who has lost a loved one, but most all, someone who has lost a loved one to suicide and for the survivors left behind and for anyone who is thinking about taking their own life.

I had a grief meeting tonight. Even though I had some tears, I really listened to the counselor and the others in the group. I know that God was there tonight! I could just feel it.

I've been so worried about not being able to get my prescription filled. I need my meds. When we got home, my room mate asked me to sit down and talk with her. I really didn't want to, because I was so tired and my back was killing me! Then she put in front of me a wad of money. I about fell off the chair. I counted it and I will be able to get my prescription filled!!!  My room mate would not let me know who gave her the money to give to me for one of my meds. I don't know who it was. I wish I did so I could at least thank them.  It was a miracle!

God was really working on me tonight, I could just feel it. I was and still am amazed by how God works. He has pulled me through everything since my dear husband left this world. He has made sure I get my meds, have a place to live and food on the table. He has put a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in and has let me have one of my dogs back, to help comfort me. If you've never been loved by a dog, you'll not understand.

The Lord has carried me through many tragedies in my life, since birth. I learned as a little girl that there is triumph over every tragedy. But for some reason, I'm not sure about this one.

I've grown to truly love these people that I've met at the grieve meetings and the counselor and his wife. I've learned a lot since I've been going. I've also learned a lot from the others in the group who have lost a loved one. I thank the Lord for all of them.

I'm going to start getting in the habit again to read some in my Bible on a daily basis!

Well, I'm tired and  my back is hurting really bad, so until next time...

Sometimes I just have a hard time believing that all this is real. It's like I go through the emotions of life, like a robot.  It's kind of like a dream. I can't think straight. I can't always do things right.  I have a hard time concentrating on one thing, because all I see are the pictures that flash through my mind of the love of my life, hanging. 

There are so very many unanswered questions that I have and I'll never have the answer. I do know some of the reasons, but it wasn't right what he did, leaving me and all who loved him.

I carry a lot guilt but I'm not the one who did this, he did this to himself. For those of you out there who blame me, you are judging me,  and that isn't right. I know at some point in our lives we judge others. I think we are all guilty of that, but this is different.

The guilt I carry is a heavy burden on my heart, but for those who have told me they blame me, it's so much more heavier. I feel guilty because I didn't get up the first time I woke up and I felt in my heart and soul that something wasn't right. But I just thought about his daily routine, thinking he was outside on the porch,  having his morning coffee. When I did get up and I found him, I was in total shock and what I saw wasn't exactly what I really saw. I've been told by my doctor that my mind blocked certain things out. It wasn't until I got the pictures that the police took of that tragic morning did I realize what I saw wasn't what I thought I saw. It's hard to explain and I won't tell the details of the position he was in, but I will say that the police report said, he could have stopped it, IF HE wanted too. He obviously didn't want to. The worse thing about it, was that I was on the phone with our daughter.

This is the 2nd person that I've loved that I've lost to suicide. My heart aches with so much pain that it's just so hard to go on, but I keep on going but I really want to just give up, but I can't. In a way, I think I have given up, but I don't think I'll ever take my own life.

It's as if God has taken away everyone that I love in one way or another.

When I was 18 years old, I was in a pickle! A bad situation! I did try to kill myself. But I got scared and I called someone. This person came and got me and took me to the ER. I guess you could say that I owe this man, that I still talk to today, my life. I don't know if he reads my blog but he knows who he is and he's a good Christian man!

I try to concentrate on the good times. But it's hard. I did remember something that I thought was so sweet that my husband did one night. We were listening to music, and he reached out, took my hand as I stood up, he pulled me in his arms and we slowly danced. It was so sweet. I'll never forgot that night. That was the only time that we ever danced together. He said he couldn't dance, but he did that night. It made me so happy!

I remember all the summers he took me to the beach. We always had so much fun going to the beach. It always gave both of us such inner peace. He taught me how to body surf and man, that was so much fun!!

 I remember when our daughter was really little, probably 2 years old, she was in a little red bikini. She found a  little boy about her size, and they sat in the sand and played. His parents asked us if they could take some pictures of them together. Of course we said yes. They were so cute! I will have to admit, if I was to have a child now, I'd never put her in a bikini! 

My husband and I both loved the beach. We would stay on the beach most of the day. Then go out to eat at night. Then we would walk on the beach at dark. I love finding shells! I  have loved seashells since I was a little girl. He would help me find them and so would our daughter.  I don't have any of those shells now. But there is one big shell that he bought me, that I do have and I'll keep it forever. I hope I still have it. It's the one that you put to your ear and you can hear the ocean.  I've never been able to figure that one out.  What little I have left is packed up. But at least I'll have the memories and I have tons of pictures. I have boxes and boxes of photographs.

I can't write anymore, because of the tears.....

February is really not a good month for me. I met my husband in February and we got married in February. Not all in the same month though. :) 

I'm beginning to think that things aren't going to get better. I'm just so tired of asking for help and now when I ask, the answer is always no. There just isn't anything else that I know to do.

I'm so embarrassed and ashamed for what my husband did. I wish I could go back to that day and change it, but I can't.

Tears still pour from my eyes on a daily basis. I loved him so much! I miss him and I need him so much right now. I'm mad at him for leaving me in the situation I'm in and I don't know what to do anymore. So I just write my feelings out here for the world to see. But if it will stop one person from taking their life, it's all worth it. Maybe they will see just how much more pain the person left behind is in than the pain that they are in.

I'm fixing to run out of some of my meds. I'll just have to do with out. If I get sick, so be it.  Maybe that's what God's will is, I don't know. All I can do is give it to Him because I don't know how much longer I can keep going on like I am.

My husband used to call me a worry wart. He was right, I worry so much about so many things. I just wish I could get him back but I can't...

19 Months

It's hard to believe that it's been 19 months today, since I lost my dear husband so tragically, so suddenly.  My life hasn't been the same and it never will be again. He was my soul mate, my rock..now he lives in my heart. I can't see him, except the flashes of that tragic day. They just flash like lighting,one picture after another, through my brain. I can't  hold him in my arms anymore. I can't kiss him anymore. I can't hear his voice anymore.  I can't see his beautiful eyes anymore.  So many times today, my eyes have filled with tears. Oh God, how I miss him! It's so hard learning to live without him. I still wake myself up, crying out loud for him, saying his name. I roll over in bed to hold him, and realize, oh... yeah...he's not here anymore. I have so many dreams about him. I don't know what they mean. In the dreams, I'm trying to reach him, but I can't. People say to me, you look good, you sound better, but behind my so called smile, I'm in so much pain.  Will it ever get better? Will the pain stop? I know that I shouldn't say this, but will I ever be loved again?  I have learned recently, that the few who blame me are judging me and only God can do that. I know it wasn't my fault what so ever at all. But I'll always feel so guilty because when I first woke up, I didn't get up. I don't know why I didn't get up......

For a very long time after my husband left me, I would at times catch myself laughing at something funny, then quickly stopped laughing, because he wasn't here to laugh with me. I can now laugh again, but there are times when I just stop laughing because he pops in my mind.

I used to love to sing. He would pick out a CD and say to me, sing this song. So I'd get the microphone and sing for him. It took me a long time before I could sing again. Now I have been writing a poem about my husband but I sing it. I don't have any of my music paper to write it down nor do I have my piano anymore.

For a while I wouldn't hardly eat anything, because he wasn't here to eat with me.  I'm eating a little better now but need to get back on my diabetic diet.

Today I was in the grocery store was going down the isle and saw the Folgers Coffee, Colombian. Tears filled my eyes because that was the kind of coffee he bought and made every morning. I rarely drink coffee now.

The morning of that tragic day, he make a pot of coffee but never fixed him a cup. I will always wonder why he made the coffee in the first place. Had he been planning his death? Or could it just been a sudden decision? I'll never know...

I have begun to move on, but letting go is the hardest thing to do.

Somethings I do, I just feel so guilty because he isn't here with me to share them with.

For anyone who is reading this, please do NOT take your own life. It IS the most selfish act a human can make. People take their own life because they don't know anyway out of their situation. Some take their on life because they feel like they just don't have a choice anymore. They cannot see beyond what's right in front of their face. The ones left behind are the ones that hurt the most.

Until next time...

I said that I would not post anymore on my blog. I have decided that I will post some from time to time but will not post any personal things about my husband, that I loved so very much.

It been 18 months and 17 days since that tragic morning that changed my life in an instance! Life has not been the same at all.

As I posted in an earlier post, I lost my husband, our home, our dogs,  ( I was able to get one of my dogs back) and 90% of what we owned. I have very little left and I'm going to have to sell some other things soon.

It has been by the grace of God that I've gotten this far. I've been able to get my meds and gas in my Durango, but now....I have no idea where the money will come from.

I'm in the process of making things that I think people will buy such as baby headband's, preemie blankets and more.

My insurance is due this month for my Durango, but I just don't have the money. I cannot stand not being able to take myself where I need to go and have to depend on others. But I do know that somehow the Lord will provide.

I pray that at my hearing next month with a Judge, will grant me Widows Disability Social Security.  Lord help me if I get turned down.

Every day I ask, "Dale, how could you leave me in this position?" Even though he's not here to answer me back. I still cry for him, every day.

I've cried for my daughter and my grandchildren and all of my husbands family.  I still haven't been able to "let go." I know one day I will. 

I am tired of hearing the words, "pity party!" I hate those words. I also don't like being told that I have to move on. Well, if I wasn't moving on, I sure wouldn't be here writing on my blog to help get my feelings out. Have I let go? No, not really.

I have been blamed by several people for my husbands death! It's just not right! I didn't do this to my husband, I did not drive him to do this. This was HIS choice, not mine.

I hate the flashes that swarm my brain with the images of that tragic day, the pictures that I got from the police that they had taken. Even though I no longer have the pictures, they are branded deep within my brain. Sometimes, no matter where I'm at, I get tears in my eyes. I think the one thing that people don't realize, is that I'm constantly thinking of my husband....even when I'm talking to someone else about anything else but him.

I had everything I could have ever wanted, but I would have gave it all away, if I could just have my husband.  And I told him that the night before he left me. We were supposed to grow old together and now that won't happen.

I will always love him, but I hate what he did, not just to me, but to all who loved him.

Until next time...

My husband was a good man. He took very good care of me the many times I was in the hospital. I love him and he'll live in my heart forever.  But I must go on with my life without him.

I hope that I can meet someone someday, sooner than later and spend the rest of my life with him, who ever God decides that is. I just don't want to grow old alone.

Please, please, do not tell me that you understand unless you've walked in my shoes. When you've spent over half your life with someone and you find them after they have taken their own life, do not tell me that you understand, because you do not!

The days are getting better, but I have my down days. I still cry every day for my husband. I woke up this morning and reached for him, thinking he was laying next to me, but when I raised my head and opened my eyes, I realized, he was really gone.  That happens often and I'll be glad when that doesn't happen anymore.

It seems that it never fails, that when I really need someone to talk too, there is no one to talk too. Like yesterday and last night. No, I wasn't feeling sorry for myself.  I wasn't having a pity party either, I'm still grieving. 

Every day is a new day. I have no choice but to take one day at a time. As hard as that is, I just have to do that now.

I have a lot of flashbacks to that horrible day when I found my dear husband hanging in his shop.  As I type these words, tears are streaming down my face. He's gone and I'm still here. I know most of the reasons why he did this, but I'm so mad because he hurt himself, he left me, our beautiful daughter that was our miracle child, and our precious grandsons! He left all who loved him! 

Our daughter was a twin, but we lost her twin about 3-4 months into the pregnancy and we nearly lost her! I thank God for her and my grandsons.

I want to live and not just exist and go on like a robot!