At that time in my life I smoked. My husband smoked too. I was told by my Doctor not to smoke a cigarette the morning of the surgery. I was so sick, I couldn't smoke one!

I keep telling my husband that I don't think I should have this surgery.  I was so sick that I asked him to take me to the local hospital because I was vomiting so much. It was really just dry heaves. We went into the ER. They took me back and I told the nurse that I don't want to have the surgery. She said, "You'll be fine! I've had the same surgery." They called the hospital that I was supposed to be at for the sugery and told them I was running late and what had happened.

On the way, I kept telling my husband that I didn't think that I should go through with this.

As soon as we got to where we were supposed to be, I got on a gown, they started an IV and I don't remember anything until I woke up in the "out patient" recovery.

I knew something was wrong. I guess I've had enough surgeries to know when something isn't right. I wasn't coming out of the anesthesia the way I should have and I couldn't empty my bladder.

I was crying and tried to tell the nurse that was taking care of me, that something is wrong and if you send me home, I won't make it! I cried, I begged and I pleaded to let them let me stay over night. The nurse kept telling me there is nothing wrong with you. You can go home. You will be fine. But I knew I wasn't fine, I just didn't know what. Finally they let me speak on the phone to the nurse at my Doctors office. She tried to convince me that I would be fine, but I told her the same thing, "If you send me home, I won't make it!" Finally she said, "Okay,  we will admit you." That was a relief!

Several of my girlfriends came up to the hospital that night to see me. I remember they kept asking my husband why is she in so much pain? He didn't know.

Later a nurse came in and I had to tell her that I needed a catheter! She said "When was the last time you emptied your bladder?" I said, "At 6:30." She looked at her watch and said, "It's only been 30 minutes!" That's when my husband said, "No, 6:30 this morning!" That got her moving! And it's not normal to go 12 hours and not empty your bladder.

Then a Psychiatrist comes in to see me. I guess they thought I was crazy. My husband had told me later that when I was in the out patient recovery, he over heard the nurse telling another nurse, "Why do I always get these kind?" He was mad and I was just hurt!

The Psychiatrist asked me why I thought I needed to stay. I said, " I don't know but if you send me home, I won't make it!" They really thought I was a basket case! They started giving me Valium. I tried to tell them I didn't need that!

I was in a lot of pain! They did give me something for the pain as well as the Valium.

The next morning they drew blood but I don't remember. I was so out of it and it wasn't from Valium or pain meds. I remember telling the nurse that something was wrong, I didn't feel right. She said I was just hyperventilating! The truth is that the first thing I remember that morning was sitting on the toilet trying to put my head down to my knees to keep me from passing out. For some strange reason the nurse shoved a wash cloth at me and said, "Here, wash your boobs!" I saw my dear sweet husband standing behind her. I don't remember when my husband got there that morning.
I shoved that wash cloth right back at her! I said, "No, I'm going to pass out!" She just said the same thing, "Your hyperventilating!" 

I remember them helping me to the bed. I was sitting up side ways and I was still telling her that I'm going to pass out. Well....not only did I pass out, I went into shock!   Until next time.....

I'm going to tell you the story of what happened to me, on Labor Day Weekend in 1994. 

My husband was with me through it all. He took care of me and even shaved my legs for me! What a guy!

Previous to 1994, I had about 7 surgeries just for Endometriosis. I had a severe case of it. At the time I was taking ERT. (Estrogen Replacement Therapy) I found out later that Estrogen makes Endometriosis grow. I never understood why they gave me ERT if they knew that Endometriosis thrives off of Estrogen.

I was still having a lot of pain and told my Doctor. He said, "It should be gone by now." I got a 2nd opinion. They sent me for an ultrasound at the hospital.  When I saw the look on one of the nurses face, I knew something was wrong. That same day in the afternoon I got a call from my Doctor. He said " You have a 5x3x6 cm cyst coming from a microscopic ovarian remnant. My ovaries were removed several years before this. Some how a tiny piece of an ovary was left inside.

My Doctor told me that I needed surgery. He said they would do a laparotomy and get the cyst out. A laparotomy is a large incision in your abdomen.

When I woke up they told me that my Doctor did a laparoscopic procedure. As he inserted the laparoscope into my abdomen and touched the cyst, it ruptured.  While they were in there they did a lot of snipping away scar tissue and adhesion's.

Before the surgery I had to drink a bunch of nasty stuff that I cannot remember the name of. I just couldn't drink it. I ended up throwing it all back up! My nerves were shot and I continued to vomit. I was scared but not as scared as I was on that scary day....until next time.....

I did something today that I wasn't sure I could do.  Even though I used to live in Atlanta, the area of Atlanta that I had to be at this morning at 8:00 was not a familiar place.  I don't like driving on the expressway into Atlanta especially at that time of morning. Lots of traffic. When I got to my destination, I had to park, which cost me $10.00!! I had to walk a block down the road all by myself. All of this was so new to me and I was a little scared. But, I did it and I did it all by myself!

I remember when I was the photographer for the year book when my daughter was in the 2nd grade, her teacher said to me, "When you can't find help, you just do it all by yourself."  I guess she was right.

This really made me mad at my late husband! This is the first time that I really was angry at him for leaving me! How dare him leave me like this! He left so he didn't have to deal with everything and now I have a mess to fix. I still will always love him, but dang, I'm  just so angry right now. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I finished what he started. I was told that I was crazy by someone when I paid off our Attorney! I told this person, that my husband started it and I was going to see to it that it was finished!  This is what he wanted. Today, it was finished!

This week has been a very busy week for me. I'm not used to going somewhere every single day of the week. But I have to do what I have to do.

The one thing that hurts me the most besides my husband taking his own life, is that people still blame me for what he did. Even though I carry guilt, it was not my fault and I didn't drive him to do it. It was HIS choice, not mine.  The people who blame me don't have a clue what my husband and I went through the last 2 years of his life. We were fine in our marriage, but not with his business.

Holiday's are always hard. I know for me, that this time of year is the hardest. I've always had a really hard time this time of year since I lost my mother in 1971.  She was only 33 years old and I was 11 years old. My husband and my daughter could tell that I would get sad. It's a bitter sweet time of year for me.

Last year was the first Thanksgiving and Christmas that I was without my husband, daughter and my grandchildren. I spent Thanksgiving Day sitting alone, in the dark and watched TV all day. I cried a lot throughout that day.  At the end of Thanksgiving Day, the lady I was living with made me a plate of food. It was really good too. I ate alone.

On Christmas Day, I did the same thing, I sat in the dark all day long and watched TV and cried a lot. Just before Christmas Day I had met my daughter and grandchildren at a restaurant to have dinner.  There was one person missing and that was my husband.  It was all I could do to hold back my tears. As I left, driving down the road, I'd cried all the way home.

This year will be different, but I will still be very sad because my husband will not be with us. I pray that I will get to be with my daughter and my grandchildren! The love I have for them is what keeps me going.

My oldest grandsons birthday is November 27. He was born on Thanksgiving Day!  I spoke with him on the phone yesterday and I tried to tell him that I just didn't have the money to buy him a gift, but I will make him a card. He said, "Just go to the bank and get some money." I had to explain to him the same way I had to explain to my daughter when she was his age, that you have to have a job, earn money, put it in the bank in order to get money out of the bank.  He said, "Oh." I think he got it! :-) Before I explained that to him, he asked me to just buy him something cheap. Bless his heart! I don't know what I'm going to do, but somehow I'll find a way to buy him a small gift.  He'll be 9 years old! I have another grandson that will be 6 years old in December. Somehow, I'll think of something. God has provided this long, so I have to keep my faith and trust in Him.  Young children just don't understand and it breaks my heart.

I'm struggling with all of this but I know somehow the Lord will provide! I just can't give up on my daughter, grand kids or God! As hard as it is, I just refuse to.

I just have to thank the good Lord for getting me this far! I'm very thankful to be alive and have a roof over my head, heat to keep me warm, food on the table, the medications that I need to keep me living, clothes on my back, the ability to see, hear, feel, walk and so much more!

For all of you out there who feel like I do or in other situations that make your heart sad, know that God IS with you!  I have no idea what God wants me to do, but I do know, that HE is with us all!

I learned in grief counseling that there are 5 stages of grief. They are, Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining and Depression.  Recently I've learned a little bit about 2 more. They are, Submission and Reinvestment.

Everyone grieves differently. It's like a finger print, no two people grieve the same. Everyone is different.

There is no order in the stages of grief.  It can take up to 5 years for a person to work through a significant loss of a child or spouse.  The same is true for divorce.  The loss of one's home,  job or health. Never rush the process of grieving! And never let someone rush you through your grief or force you to do things that your not ready for.

"The loss of a loved one is a traumatic assault against the human soul." Found this statement in a book. This is so true!

In the initial shock, you think it's just a bad dream and when you wake up everything will be ok, but every time you wake up, you know it's not a dream. This can last for weeks,  months and even years.

No one can 'drive' someone to kill themselves. It's not anyone's fault except for the person who took their own life.  But there will always be someone that will blame the closest person to the one who took their life. Those people don't have a clue!

Every one's marriage is different. Ours was different from others that we knew. I can only remember just a few times that I went off with the girls and he went off with guys. We just didn't do that much. We enjoyed each other's company.

I was talking with a person and I said, "My husband sheltered me." This person said, "No he didn't, you sheltered yourself". This person hardly knew my husband, didn't know anything about our marriage. At the time this was said, I was still in shock from finding him hanging.  I was in shock for months!

My husband got to the point that he worked so much that he didn't want to go anywhere, not even on the weekends.  I know he loved me, but he always put his work before me and our daughter. That's one thing that really hurt me.

The last year of his life, he went to the office every day, just waiting of the phone to ring. Day's and weeks went by before he would get a job to do, but he was at the office, no matter what. I don't understand why he didn't just have his calls forwarded to our home. At least we would have had more time together.

When he left this world, there were some things that I had to learn all over again. There were a few people who I suppose were stunned by this, but I don't they realized just how much he sheltered me.  I was always home when he came home and many times I'd greet him at the door.  In the summer I'd sit on the steps or the chairs on the porch, waiting to see him come up the driveway.

For several years I worked at home,  making designs for dog clothes. I made little dresses for small dogs. I made dog beds, belly bands, collars, scarfs and only once I made a leash. I sold them on eBay. I would sew all day long and some nights when I couldn't sleep. I also did scrap booking. I also did a lot of computer graphics.  Sitting at the sewing machine for hours a day, every day  was making my back hurt so bad, but I was also getting depressed from seeing my dear husband go down hill.

I remember  that my daughter had to show me how to use a debit card when getting gas. When I grew up, all gas stations were full service.  There was one left in Conyers on Hwy 138. I went there to get gas until it was a self serve. I know how to pump gas, have done it since I learned how to drive. But the debit card being used to get gas was new to me, just as it would be new to maybe a 15 or 16 year old.

If I had to go somewhere for him, he'd always have to draw me a map. He was really good at that and I can read a map! It's a good thing, because I have no sense of direction! Now I have a GPS. It talks too much though,  and I tell it to shut up but it doesn't listen to me. lol  :-)

I'm no longer being sheltered, but I do miss my husband. I miss being held in his arms. I don't know if there will ever be another man in my life to hold me in their arms, but I sure hope so.  I want to be loved again and  be loved back. I want to feel needed by someone.


The last year of my husbands life was so different. I just didn't really realize it until after about a year after he left this world.  I remember many times asking him if he still loved me. I remember times when I told him that I felt like he didn't love me anymore. It was as if he was pushing me away.

I wish I could have seen the signs, but I didn't. It's too late now.....and that  has torn my heart into shreds like confetti.

When I met my husband I was living in a duplex in Atlanta Georgia. I lived alone. I had a full time job. But I was miserable! I hated living alone. I do enjoy my 'alone time' but I don't like living alone.

For the next 3 weeks I'll be living alone. First time in over 30 years! My room mate will be back in 3 weeks. I'm keeping up with the dogs, the outside pond fish, the green house, the fish tanks inside and the baby fish tank.  I have my little Piper to keep me company.

I had to give her a really good bath today. She was so mad at me! She looks and feels much better now.

Since my husband decided to leave this world, I've had so many dreams about him and some nightmares. I actually woke myself up talking in my sleep about a week or so ago. I said "I need that file. Dale....Dale!" Then I realized he wasn't next to me. Piper was next to me. I just rolled over and went back to sleep.

I'm in the process of writing a poem about my late husband. When I'm done I'll share it with you. I have written a book of poetry but haven't got a copyright on it yet. I wrote it all out by hand. I'm afraid if I put it on my laptop, it just may get lost. I left extra pages so I could add to the book. I'm keeping the title to myself for now.

This was written and published in the Jonesboro Senior High School Arts and Literary Department in 1977. However they left out one word! The word was, "fall."

"When you lose someone you've loved very much,
it's like a tree losing it's beautiful fall touch."

I wrote that quote and three others. All four were published in the Zepher. I still have mine. They are also in my book.

My husband sheltered me so much, for so long.....until next time.