Twenty years ago today, I quit smoking! Best thing I ever did. Now I have Asthma and COPD, but mild. I also nearly lost my life. I tried to tell the Doctor and the nurses that I wasn't going to make it. I had passed out, went into shock. When I came to, I told them that I felt like I was dying. That's when they took me serious! My blood count went down to 5.0. My blood pressure was down to 80/44 and dropping. By the time they rushed me into emergency surgery, my blood count had dropped more. I had lost a lot of blood. They gave me 6 units of blood and 2 units of fresh frozen plasma. God was there the entire time. The look on my husbands face, I'll never forget.

Its been 3 years, 4 months and 11 days since I lost the love of my life.

In the past 2 weeks, I've heard about 6 suicides, just in the metro Atlanta area.  People who commit this horrible act are in a lot of pain, either physically or mentally or both. Some leave notes and some don't. Some hide their feelings so well, that even the person that is the closest to them, cannot see the signs. I wish I could have seen the signs with my husband. I knew something wasn't right but just thought he was depressed because his business went down. He refused to shut it down. He refused to get another job. He stopped getting his unemployment and refused to go apply anymore.

The ones left behind are in so much pain, that I don't have the words to describe it. I lost the two men in my life that I loved the most to suicide. My only sibling, my older brother and my husband of 30 years.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of them. I still cry to this day for both of them. Every time I write in my blog, I have tears strolling down my face.

My brother has been gone since 1-1-98. I still haven't fully gotten over his death.

I'd just like to be happy again!  I can laugh now, so that's a good thing! But my life now as I know it, is so very lonely and I'm all alone.

I've been living by myself since March of 2013. It's hard but I'm making it.

I wish there was a way that we could all learn all the signs leading up to someone taking their own life.

Until next time...

Today is Mother's Day, May 10, 2014.  I'm not exactly sure, but I think my dearest grandmother died on Mother's Day. She was just a few years older than I am now. Too young to go. So was my mom. She passed away on April 6, 1971.  I found out that I was wrong about her birth date (year) It was 1937 when she was born. She was only 33 years old.  I miss them both dearly!

Happy Mother's Day to both of them. May they rest in peace.

I cannot believe that it's been 3 long years of the most , miserable, excruciating  painful, lonely  and the darkest day's of my life, since the tragic day I found my husband hanging. We were married for over 29 years and together for 30.

I do have some good day's but mostly bad day's. I'm so tired of having the dreams and night mares that I've had since he left this world.  I just wish they would go away!! I have a lot of flash backs of that day and the night before. I dreamed last night that we went bankrupt but couldn't find a house for rent. So he got a motel room which was very small but the motel/hotel was the tallest one. They decided to tear down the hotel but not before telling him that he was $30 thousand in debt. In my dream he stayed and died when the motel/hotel went down. There are so many ways of suicide, even in your dreams.

I'm tired of people telling me to move one, get a life, get out of the house and do something. That's so easy for someone to say who hasn't been through what I've been through. What I'm still going through.  I keep my youngest grand son while his parents go to work. I really do love it, but it's very hard to do. When school is out, I have more grand kids to keep, but sometimes I just want to lay on the sofa, be by myself and watch TV, play pc games and do a lot of crying.

I don't even get dressed on many days. No one is coming over except the boys so I figure, what's the point and I like my pajamas! Plus, I don't know anyone down here. I know the name of 2 neighbors and that's it.

My sweet daughter told me to get in the Durango and drive around. What's the point of just driving around and wasting gas? Not to mention getting lost and being alone. :-)

I hate living here, but I love my daughter and grand kids. They are what keeps my going.

I thank the Lord I have them. I also thank the Lord that I have a roof over my head, heat to keep me warm, cool air so I won't get too hot, food on the table, clothes on my back and more!  But I hate being so alone and so lonely.  I can't stand having the bad dreams about him.

So many questions go through my mind and none can be answered. Sometimes I hate him for what he did and then I fill guilty for that. He was a good man, but he hurt me and a lot of other people. I'm tired of feeling so much guilt!

I love you Dale and I always have and I always will.

May he rest in peace!

It's been 2 1/2 years today since I found my husband, hanging in his shop. I am better, but I'm still so lost without him.

I miss the hugs he gave me. I miss him holding me in his arms. I miss having dinner with him every night.  I miss his laugh. I miss him calling me after his lunch every day. I miss cutting his hair for him. I cut his hair for 30 years.

When I sit in my living room, I'm all alone. He's not here sitting beside me. I miss his voice. I miss him kissing me when he came home from work.  I just miss every thing about him!

I still carry so much guilt inside. I just cannot seem to "move on" or "let go" of him.  In a way I've moved on, but I know I've not "let go." How can I just let go of someone I loved for 30 years and spent over half my life with?

I'm not a victim.  I'm a survivor as I've always said. But that's just it, I'm only surviving. I'm not living like I should be, just existing.

I put every thing off until the last minute. I've lost interest in every thing I once loved to do.

I don't want to wake up in the mornings. I just want to sleep. I can't do that during the week because I have my 3 year old grandson to keep.

My grand kids are what keeps me going and God too!

God has always been in my life. I still pray and always will. God is amazing too! He found me a place to live when I needed it. I don't know how, but He did. I lost our home that we bought 11 1/2 years ago, after he left. I had to sell most of every thing I had. I was able to keep some things.  I know that material things don't matter, but it's just those little special things that he got just for me that matters. Some of those things I don't have anymore. Some I do. I am grateful to God for what I do have.

After my dear husband left, I stayed with my daughter.  She and her family moved  to Columbus. I was facing either sleeping in my Durango or going to a shelter. Just the word "shelter" gives me chills. At the very last minute a very dear friend of mine let me stay at her house.  I wasn't there long when she had to move. There I was, facing it again and praying that I won't be homeless. And again at the last minute, He found me a place to live. I stayed in a basement of a friend of mine. I had my own bedroom, living room and bath room.

I lived there for a short while. Then I had to move again. I won't give details as to why I had to leave. And again, again, I was facing being homeless. And God found me a place to live right at the last moment. I stayed with her nearly a year. Then I got my Widows Disability Social Security and then I was able to move to Columbus, just so I could be close to my daughter and her family and my grandsons!

My son-n-law found a house for rent for me. I live very close to my daughter and her family now. It's so hard living alone. I hate it! But again, God put a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, food on the table. A place to keep warm when it's cold. A place to keep me cool when it's too hot outside.

If it wasn't for God and some of my friends, I really don't think that I'd be here right now. I do owe every thing to God!!!

I have at times doubted my faith. I just couldn't figure out why God would allow so many tragedies in one persons life!  But I know in my heart that God is watching over me. That is the ONLY way I have survived. 

God also made sure I had the money to get my meds. I have no idea how He did that but He did! I have a few dear friends to thank for that one too, and one friend of mine that I've known since I was 5 years old, helped me get my meds and helped me when my Durango needed work. I had to be able to drive.

I feel like I've put a zipper on my heart and zipped it up so no one can get in.  I don't mean to shut people out, I really don't, but I just do for some reason. At times I don't realize I'm doing that. I do know that I don't want to bring anyone down that I'm around because of my sadness and grief.

I've lost so many of my loved ones. It doesn't get easier and I think losing my husband has been the worst death I've had to deal with.

I still cry quite a bit.  Sometimes I cry out and say, "God, please bring him back to me." But I know that he will never come back.

I feel like I'm still young, although my body doesn't feel like it. LOL

I hope my husband is watching over me along with God. I pray that God will continue to lead me in the right path.

I really miss you, Dale. You were my life, my love. But I'll never completely know why you left me. I wonder if you really loved me at all.

RIP my dear, sweet Dale. I'll always love you and you will live in my heart forever!

Until next time.....

I don't think I've ever been so alone and so lonely in my life! I've been through a lot in my life, but losing my husband the way I did and finding him, has really taken a lot out of me.

I've moved on but I've not let go. It just hurts too bad. I still cry every day, but not as much I used too. Having my little dog, Piper with me does help. She is old, 13 years now, and she doesn't play anymore.

I've been on my own for 6 months now, but I've been with out my husband for just over 2 1/2 years.

There's always the question of why? Why did he do this to himself, to me, to our daughter and our grand kids? I understand some, but not all.

I've learned since my husband left this world that some men out there take advantage of widows. I don't understand that but it really tics me off!

I don't know if I will ever get married again in fear that the man might kill himself and I cannot go through that again. I've had 2 suicides in my family plus my husbands mother took her on life.

I'm tired of being sad and depressed and I'm tired of being lonely.

My daughter told me I need to get out there. I asked, "What do you want me to do, go bar hopping?"  She said go to church. I don't think I'll meet someone there either.

I'm getting better, but it's slow. I still have flash backs of that tragic day and from looking at the pictures, but I guess that will never go away until I do meet someone and fall in love again.

I miss and love him so very much! I can't help but wonder if he really loved me at all. Why would he do this if he did love me?

Until next time....

Tomorrow will be 2 years and 4 months since I found my husband, hanging in his shop.  The images of that day never leave my brain! I've been branded! My heart has been torn, tattered, shattered to pieces, many times in my life. Every time it's been sewn back together again by God's love. But right now, I'm really mad at God for letting this happen to me, my grand kids and my daughter!!

I've been through so very much, since the day I was born. I used to ask, "Why me?" But then again, why not me? 

Yesterday, I had a problem with my bank statement. Needless to say I was in tears! I had a charge for something I never received and I was asked to fax my bank statement to them for proof.  I don't have a fax. I told the guy that and he told me to take my statement to the bank and have them fax it. My bank is in Conyers and I live in Columbus. I can't drive 2 hours for that!  I asked him for his boss's name. The guy actually said to me, "He doesn't have a last name." Well, that's when I could feel myself losing it! I said, "The man has a last name, do you think I was born yesterday?" Then he told me that he didn't know his last name.  So, I'm out $48.?? for something I never ordered nor did I receive. And why in the world would that guy tell me his boss has no last name?

I had another charge that I didn't make. An $81.?? pizza order!!! I called the pizza place and talked with 2 people and they both told me they couldn't find me in their computer. They also told me that their boss would call me, but the boss never did. But I will be calling them back!

I was so upset because I've been charged twice for something I didn't order nor did I receive any item.  Well, I lost it. Thank God I was here alone! There was my husbands cheap flash light on the table. I picked it up and threw it as hard as I could against the wall.  I literally feel to the floor on my knees, crying, asking God, why? Asking my husband, "Why did you leave me? Why did you do this to me? I asked God, "What do you want me to do?" I needed my husband here to help me.  I needed him the other day when I found "Ghost", my neighbor's dog dying in my front yard. I did what I could, only what I knew how to do. I checked her over, but I knew she was going to die. And she did. It's still really bothering me bad.  If I had of only reacted faster...

I didn't mean to lose it and throw the flash light, but I could just feel the hurt and anger building up inside me.

I've had to use a flash light at night so Piper, my little dog, can see. She is old and I've noticed that she's doing things that only old dog's do. I love her so much!!!  She's no pit bull but how do I know someone isn't watching her and will shoot her? I go out with her and watch her in my tiny back yard which is fenced in.

What do you do when you lose it like that? Is that normal for grieving?  Maybe it is, I'm really not sure.

I think of my husband every single day. I find myself at times turning around to tell him something, but he's not here.

I don't understand how others do it. They lose their loved one, but they go back to work.  If I was working at the time I lost my husband, I would have never been able to go back. But being disabled keeps you doing a lot of things.  I can do some things, but I will and I have lived in physical pain since I was born.

Some say my physical pain is caused from my grief. They are so wrong!  I've had physical problems since the day I was born. I have to say though, that by the grace of God, I'm still here.  Why, I have no idea...

I miss home, the city I lived in that is.  I lost my house when my husband decided he didn't want to live anymore. And he thought he was in pain?!! He has no idea what kind of pain I now live in because of him!  Sometimes I cannot believe that my only brother (only sibling) and the only husband I've ever had, both took their own life, just in a different way.  I have so many, "If only..."

I still have no life and I'm not  sure when I will. Someone told me recently that she thought I needed to find someone to love, someone to love me back. I don't know about that because I don't plan on getting married again for many years to come, if I live that long! But someday I hope to meet someone who can be my friend.

Until next time...

I moved to a new city back in March of this year. I've not been happy since. It's very hard moving to a city you know nothing about. I moved here for one reason only, to be close to my daughter and grandsons. I had missed 2 years of their lives and I didn't want to miss anymore. One lady, I lived in her basement had told me that the kids couldn't come back because they were too loud. She raised 3 of her own.  Then the next person I lived with, only let me keep my grand kids once, I think it was. This time I was shocked to say the least because she is one of my grand kids other grandmother! How could you do that to your own grandchild!

My mistake was not driving down here to see the house my son-n-law found for me.  My daughter had taken lots of pictures for me  to see. I said OK, and with-in a week I was moved to Columbus.

The house itself is kind of cute, but I had no idea of all the problems this house has. It's a very old house but has had a lot of work done to it, but still, too many problems for me to have to deal with. I rather not go into details about the house.

Having said all that, I'm thankful because I have a roof over my head, cool air, heat, a bed to sleep in,  food to eat, and more.

I keep my youngest grandson during the week while my daughter works. But it's very hard to keep him with some of my medical problems. However, I do it anyway because I love my grand kids!

I've been unhappy here, so I called my Uncle Papa for some advice.  He lives in another state, far away.  He told me that every one gets unhappy here and there, but if your unhappy every day, then you need to move back home.  The hard part about that is trying to  tell my grandsons. I did talk with them about it a few weeks ago, but one got really mad and the other one cried.  That really tore me up!  So now, I'm at a loss as to what to do.

As far as my rent goes, I'm on a month to month lease, so that's good. 

This week was not a good week for me.  My neighbors dog was shot in the neck. Their dog's name was "Ghost." She was the sweetest Pit bull and she was only about a year old.  She was found close to my front porch. The mail man found her. She was still alive. It was pouring down rain that day.  Ghost died at the Vet's office about 10 minutes after we got her there.  If only I had of reacted faster. 

The entire time I was with that precious dog,  my husband was on my mind. I needed him here with me, but HE left me, HE left all of us!!!  I just wanted someone to hold me in their arms.  You might say that I'm really tired of finding dying dogs, having my own dog drop dead right in front of me, literally!  I'm tired of watching people die, right in front of me and finding them dead!  This isn't the first time either and it doesn't get easier.

I tried to reach out to a couple of friends, but I think I bothered them.  I feel really bad about that. Don't get me wrong, these people are really good people, I just think I've bothered them too much.

It's been 2 years and 4 months since I found my husband that tragic morning.  I've been riddled with guilt ever since I found my husband hanging. But that or anything else just doesn't seem to matter to most now. They don't want to hear it. I even had someone tell me to just let it go, and go on with my life, forget about it!!  Easy for her to say as she still has her husband!

Yes, I'm sad.... yes, I'm angry.... yes, I'm confused... yes, I'm lonely....yes, I'm all alone...yes, I feel guilty...but I keep telling myself, at least I have God!  While I've been living here, I have questioned my faith.  I really needed someone to talk to about it but no one was available.  I've noticed that people just don't want anything to do with someone like me. I didn't do this do myself, my husband did! I think people who have not been through something like this, truly do NOT understand! They can't even imagine, so they tend to back away. Dang, I'm not dead! I'm still living!

I've lost interest in things that I used to do on an every day basis.   But I know one day I'll get right back into things. I just want to be happy again! I hate being so alone!

This is what happens to someone when your loved one takes their own life. Please, do NOT take your own life. It does and will get better with-in time.  You have to have faith in God, even as little as a mustard seed.

Until next time....

Today wasn't a good day for me. Sometimes when I'm thinking I can't figure out if my way of thinking is just 'having another bad day' or is what I'm thinking real. Is what I'm thinking right or wrong...

I still carry so much guilt. The more I think, the worse it gets. I still have so many questions and I'll never get an answer.

It's hard to find a purpose in life right now, but I know there is. My grandchildren are. They are keeping me going.

I can't quilt or sew, I can't scrapbook, I can't read a good book...

Sometimes I think back when my grandmother passed away.  I wander why she gave up on her grandchildren and died. I was told that she had just given up. I beginning to think I know why now, just a little bit.

I though things would be different after 2 years, 3 months and 9 days. Oh my, things ARE different alright. 

I miss my friends and I miss Conyers. It's just 2 hours away. I've been back to Conyers once since I moved in March. I have to be in Conyers again in September.

I'm moving on, but I've not let go of my Dale...not sure I can. He was a good man. I loved him, cherished the ground he walked on too. I had no clue that he was going to hurt himself. If I had only got up the first time I woke up, if I had only seen the signs and yet they were right in front of me the whole time. Some still blame me and that really tears me up inside. I'm not even sure that my husband really truly loved me, why would he leave if he did?

I still feel alone, lonely and just lost. Will it ever get any better? I still cannot see past what's right in front of me.

Just another bad day in the life of a widow who dearly misses her Husband...