I have dreaded today as I dread the 21st of every month. For two months now I've been saying on the 21st, that its been 19 months. It was only this week did I realise it's been 22 months today since I lost my dear husband.

I can't think straight, I can't do things right. I burst into tears when I'm alone. I dream about him so much and in all the dreams I'm trying to reach him, but I can't. I wake up calling his name out loud, then I realize he's not next to me.

There are times when I talk to my daughter on the phone and I'll tell her something, she says "Momma, you already told me that." It's like that every time I talk to her.  I can't remember what I've told her and what I've not told her.

I've lost a lot of family and friends in my life, but I've never been struck so hard as when there was a suicide. My only brother took his own life on 1-1-98.  Then my husband, the love of my life, on 4-21-2011. It still seems like a few months ago.

I still feel so lost, alone, lonely, confused and so much more. It's almost if I'm just in a daze all the time. I feel like I'm just existing and not living.

One thing that really hurts is when someone says to me after I've said that I lost my husband, my dogs and 90 % of what we owned. Their reply, is, "But look what you still have!" "Be thankful for what you still have."  I don't get it.

I was able to get one of my dogs back, but I can't take care of her like she needs. I just can't let go of her. She helps me. I know that some who may read this will wonder how in the world can a dog help you?  But it's true, she does. When I go to grief meetings, they have a therapy dog there. I just love that dog! She's such a sweet and loving dog! I'm so glad that she's there.

There is so much pain and turmoil inside me and I don't really know what to do. I feel guilty about a lot of things but there isn't anything I can do. Some things I just keep to my self and it's all bottled up inside me.

I miss him so very much. One thing that I'm grateful for was the night before he left, I sat down with him and looked into his eyes and told him how much I loved him and how much he meant to me. I said more than that, but I don't think he heard a word I said.

I met my beloved husband 32 years ago today.  It's a sad day, but I think I did something good today. I had made some pretty Valentine crocheted headbands for infants. A friend of mine took me to the hospital. I went in and gave them what I had made. I only had 8 made, but they only had 3 baby girls, but that may have changed since this morning.

I called my daughter to wish her a Happy Valentines Day! I also got to talk to two of my grandsons. That made my day!

When I was talking to my oldest grandson, he said he had something for me and that he was putting in a dollar for me and said it was quarters. He knows enough about my situation and know I have no money at this time. I literally started crying when he told me he was giving me a dollar in quarters. He is so sweet and kind! I was so proud of him too!

I miss my husband, but I'm trying so hard to move one. It's the "letting go" that's so hard.

Happy Valentines Day to my dear beloved Husband!

Tomorrow is a big day for me. I'm really nervous about it too. I try to hide my physical pain when I'm with others and even the grocery store. But at home, I just cannot hide it and there are times when I have a hard time hiding it from others.

I have a hearing with a Judge in the morning to see if I can get Widows Disability Social Security.  All I can do is ask the Lord for the Judge to make the right decision. My husband knew how much pain I was in.  I've had 2 Doctors say that I cannot work.  I tried to work after my husband left,  but I just couldn't do it.  My boss knew I couldn't do it and even told me so.

Emotionally, I can't work either. The Doctors said so. I can't  think straight, I seem to just screw everything up, in more ways than one.

I just ask that for those of you who read my blog, please say a prayer for me. I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks!

I didn't want to get out of bed today, but I had to be at the church at 12:30. It takes everything I have to get out of bed.   I've been asked to make bibs for infants and toddlers and crochet hats for adults.  They are all donated.  The nice lady who runs this said that she loves my work and how good I am at it. I don't take compliments very well, but I'm learning and I have so much more to learn.


I'm starting to enjoy making these, because I love sewing, crocheting, all crafts! But most of all, I'm helping people who need these. I've had help my entire life, one way or the other. I want to be able to help others. I don't do it because I enjoy it, nor do I do it because someone asked me too. I truly believe that God is the one who wants me to this, so I'm doing this for the Lord.

Some day, when I can get better from grieving, I really want to help others who has lost a loved one, but most all, someone who has lost a loved one to suicide and for the survivors left behind and for anyone who is thinking about taking their own life.

I had a grief meeting tonight. Even though I had some tears, I really listened to the counselor and the others in the group. I know that God was there tonight! I could just feel it.

I've been so worried about not being able to get my prescription filled. I need my meds. When we got home, my room mate asked me to sit down and talk with her. I really didn't want to, because I was so tired and my back was killing me! Then she put in front of me a wad of money. I about fell off the chair. I counted it and I will be able to get my prescription filled!!!  My room mate would not let me know who gave her the money to give to me for one of my meds. I don't know who it was. I wish I did so I could at least thank them.  It was a miracle!

God was really working on me tonight, I could just feel it. I was and still am amazed by how God works. He has pulled me through everything since my dear husband left this world. He has made sure I get my meds, have a place to live and food on the table. He has put a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in and has let me have one of my dogs back, to help comfort me. If you've never been loved by a dog, you'll not understand.

The Lord has carried me through many tragedies in my life, since birth. I learned as a little girl that there is triumph over every tragedy. But for some reason, I'm not sure about this one.

I've grown to truly love these people that I've met at the grieve meetings and the counselor and his wife. I've learned a lot since I've been going. I've also learned a lot from the others in the group who have lost a loved one. I thank the Lord for all of them.

I'm going to start getting in the habit again to read some in my Bible on a daily basis!

Well, I'm tired and  my back is hurting really bad, so until next time...

Sometimes I just have a hard time believing that all this is real. It's like I go through the emotions of life, like a robot.  It's kind of like a dream. I can't think straight. I can't always do things right.  I have a hard time concentrating on one thing, because all I see are the pictures that flash through my mind of the love of my life, hanging. 

There are so very many unanswered questions that I have and I'll never have the answer. I do know some of the reasons, but it wasn't right what he did, leaving me and all who loved him.

I carry a lot guilt but I'm not the one who did this, he did this to himself. For those of you out there who blame me, you are judging me,  and that isn't right. I know at some point in our lives we judge others. I think we are all guilty of that, but this is different.

The guilt I carry is a heavy burden on my heart, but for those who have told me they blame me, it's so much more heavier. I feel guilty because I didn't get up the first time I woke up and I felt in my heart and soul that something wasn't right. But I just thought about his daily routine, thinking he was outside on the porch,  having his morning coffee. When I did get up and I found him, I was in total shock and what I saw wasn't exactly what I really saw. I've been told by my doctor that my mind blocked certain things out. It wasn't until I got the pictures that the police took of that tragic morning did I realize what I saw wasn't what I thought I saw. It's hard to explain and I won't tell the details of the position he was in, but I will say that the police report said, he could have stopped it, IF HE wanted too. He obviously didn't want to. The worse thing about it, was that I was on the phone with our daughter.

This is the 2nd person that I've loved that I've lost to suicide. My heart aches with so much pain that it's just so hard to go on, but I keep on going but I really want to just give up, but I can't. In a way, I think I have given up, but I don't think I'll ever take my own life.

It's as if God has taken away everyone that I love in one way or another.

When I was 18 years old, I was in a pickle! A bad situation! I did try to kill myself. But I got scared and I called someone. This person came and got me and took me to the ER. I guess you could say that I owe this man, that I still talk to today, my life. I don't know if he reads my blog but he knows who he is and he's a good Christian man!

I try to concentrate on the good times. But it's hard. I did remember something that I thought was so sweet that my husband did one night. We were listening to music, and he reached out, took my hand as I stood up, he pulled me in his arms and we slowly danced. It was so sweet. I'll never forgot that night. That was the only time that we ever danced together. He said he couldn't dance, but he did that night. It made me so happy!

I remember all the summers he took me to the beach. We always had so much fun going to the beach. It always gave both of us such inner peace. He taught me how to body surf and man, that was so much fun!!

 I remember when our daughter was really little, probably 2 years old, she was in a little red bikini. She found a  little boy about her size, and they sat in the sand and played. His parents asked us if they could take some pictures of them together. Of course we said yes. They were so cute! I will have to admit, if I was to have a child now, I'd never put her in a bikini! 

My husband and I both loved the beach. We would stay on the beach most of the day. Then go out to eat at night. Then we would walk on the beach at dark. I love finding shells! I  have loved seashells since I was a little girl. He would help me find them and so would our daughter.  I don't have any of those shells now. But there is one big shell that he bought me, that I do have and I'll keep it forever. I hope I still have it. It's the one that you put to your ear and you can hear the ocean.  I've never been able to figure that one out.  What little I have left is packed up. But at least I'll have the memories and I have tons of pictures. I have boxes and boxes of photographs.

I can't write anymore, because of the tears.....

February is really not a good month for me. I met my husband in February and we got married in February. Not all in the same month though. :) 

I'm beginning to think that things aren't going to get better. I'm just so tired of asking for help and now when I ask, the answer is always no. There just isn't anything else that I know to do.

I'm so embarrassed and ashamed for what my husband did. I wish I could go back to that day and change it, but I can't.

Tears still pour from my eyes on a daily basis. I loved him so much! I miss him and I need him so much right now. I'm mad at him for leaving me in the situation I'm in and I don't know what to do anymore. So I just write my feelings out here for the world to see. But if it will stop one person from taking their life, it's all worth it. Maybe they will see just how much more pain the person left behind is in than the pain that they are in.

I'm fixing to run out of some of my meds. I'll just have to do with out. If I get sick, so be it.  Maybe that's what God's will is, I don't know. All I can do is give it to Him because I don't know how much longer I can keep going on like I am.

My husband used to call me a worry wart. He was right, I worry so much about so many things. I just wish I could get him back but I can't...

19 Months

It's hard to believe that it's been 19 months today, since I lost my dear husband so tragically, so suddenly.  My life hasn't been the same and it never will be again. He was my soul mate, my rock..now he lives in my heart. I can't see him, except the flashes of that tragic day. They just flash like lighting,one picture after another, through my brain. I can't  hold him in my arms anymore. I can't kiss him anymore. I can't hear his voice anymore.  I can't see his beautiful eyes anymore.  So many times today, my eyes have filled with tears. Oh God, how I miss him! It's so hard learning to live without him. I still wake myself up, crying out loud for him, saying his name. I roll over in bed to hold him, and realize, oh... yeah...he's not here anymore. I have so many dreams about him. I don't know what they mean. In the dreams, I'm trying to reach him, but I can't. People say to me, you look good, you sound better, but behind my so called smile, I'm in so much pain.  Will it ever get better? Will the pain stop? I know that I shouldn't say this, but will I ever be loved again?  I have learned recently, that the few who blame me are judging me and only God can do that. I know it wasn't my fault what so ever at all. But I'll always feel so guilty because when I first woke up, I didn't get up. I don't know why I didn't get up......