Yesterday was grand parents day, where my 4 grandsons go to the same school. What a day it was!
I was really dreading having to go, but I was also excited to go. I'm so glad I went. There was someone missing that I love very much and that was granddaddy! Once I got to the school and went in I waited for Marshall. He's in kindergarten. When I saw his face I was so very happy!! All my fears of Dale just went away. I so much wish he was still here. Marshall gave me the cutest card. It had a little handprint on it with a Hershey's kiss on the hand. Of course I kept it.
Then it was time for recess and he had to go. I give him a hug and a kiss and said good bye.
Then Leo found me and I went through the line again with him. It was so funny because I have 4 kids (all in the same school) Then my Brayden was there but he didn't want me to go in the line with him.
Hunter my oldest grandson saw me and we sat next to each other and I really enjoyed his friends too.
The teachers just had to take my picture with every child! They took one of Leo and Brayden with me and we got photo bombed, twice! LOL I didn't mind at all.
I hate having to try and be grand mom and grand daddy too. It's not easy! Marshall doesn't remember him but I show him pictures and tell the boys all about him. I don't want them to forget him.
This week has gone by fast. I was just happy that I could go see my grandsons and eat with them. The lunch room lady just laughed when she found out I had 4 grand's in the same school. She laughed and I laughed with her!
Over all it was a great day!
Until next time...
My Husband
In Memory
Friday, September 18, 2015
Friday, August 28, 2015
Still counting...
I still find myself counting the days, month's and years. It's now been 4 years, 4 months and 7 days, since I found my husband.
Many people think that those who take their own life are between the ages of 13-24! That's not true.
My brother was only 41 when he took his life. My husband found his mother dead from suicide when he was 8 years old. The only husband that I ever had took his life when he was 51. I have a few friends that I lost to suicide.
There has to be a way to reach out and help those who are thinking of suicide.
It's been a long hard journey for me and it continues. When will my journey end? I have no idea.
But I'm really sick of being alone and I'm so very lonely.
I still have the could of, should of and would of. Such as if I had only gotten up the first time I woke up, maybe I could have saved him.
To this day there are a few who blame me. My husband took his life. HE made that choice.
He'll live on in my heart forever! I really miss him.
I wrote some lyrics and hoped to find someone to put music to them. So far, I've been ignored, told that I should think of something not so big and that my lyrics weren't lyrics at all, they are poems. But I don't believe that! If I could just fine one person to help put music to my lyrics and someone sing my song, it may help someone out there.
I'm beginning to think that I have the "Impossible" dream.
Many people think that those who take their own life are between the ages of 13-24! That's not true.
My brother was only 41 when he took his life. My husband found his mother dead from suicide when he was 8 years old. The only husband that I ever had took his life when he was 51. I have a few friends that I lost to suicide.
There has to be a way to reach out and help those who are thinking of suicide.
It's been a long hard journey for me and it continues. When will my journey end? I have no idea.
But I'm really sick of being alone and I'm so very lonely.
I still have the could of, should of and would of. Such as if I had only gotten up the first time I woke up, maybe I could have saved him.
To this day there are a few who blame me. My husband took his life. HE made that choice.
He'll live on in my heart forever! I really miss him.
I wrote some lyrics and hoped to find someone to put music to them. So far, I've been ignored, told that I should think of something not so big and that my lyrics weren't lyrics at all, they are poems. But I don't believe that! If I could just fine one person to help put music to my lyrics and someone sing my song, it may help someone out there.
I'm beginning to think that I have the "Impossible" dream.
Monday, July 13, 2015
The numerious amounts of suicide
Did you know that Suicide claimed 41,149 lives in 2013 in the US alone, with someone dying by suicide every 12.8 minutes, a suicide attempt is made every minute of every day, resulting in a nearly one million attempts made annually. Suicide is a permanent fix for a temporary problem.
Some of the signs of suicide warning's are, if a person talks about suicide/killing themselves, havening no reason to live, being a burden to others, feeling trapped and unbearable pain.
A person's risk of suicide is greater if a behavior is new or has increased, especially if it's related to a painful event, loss, or change.
Increased use of alcohol or drugs, looking for a way to take their own life, acting recklessly, withdrawing from activities, isolating from family and friends, sleeping to much or too little, visiting or calling family and friends to say good-bye, giving away prized possessions and aggression.
A persons mood will change from depression, loss of interest, rage, irritability, humiliation and anxiety.
And there are the history facts. Family history of suicide, family history of mental health conditions, previous suicide attempt's and childhood abuse.
If I only knew all of this when my husband and brother took their lives, maybe I could have done something to help.
No matter what, I will for the rest of my life be riddled with guilt. I know it wasn't my fault, but some things just can't be understood by others until they've walked in my shoes.
For the first time in 4 years, 2 months and 22 days, I went 2 days without crying. Crying for that long really makes you age and takes a lot on your body and your soul.
The only thing that keeps me going, are my grandkids. When they're here, I'm happy and laughing, but when they leave, I'm so lonely and all alone.
I know some of you think I shouldn't be writing a blog at all, but I really don't care what anyone thinks anymore. You have a choice. You can except me for who I am, or not at all. And do not ever tell my that you understand, because you don't! Unless you've walked in my shoes.
Some of the signs of suicide warning's are, if a person talks about suicide/killing themselves, havening no reason to live, being a burden to others, feeling trapped and unbearable pain.
A person's risk of suicide is greater if a behavior is new or has increased, especially if it's related to a painful event, loss, or change.
Increased use of alcohol or drugs, looking for a way to take their own life, acting recklessly, withdrawing from activities, isolating from family and friends, sleeping to much or too little, visiting or calling family and friends to say good-bye, giving away prized possessions and aggression.
A persons mood will change from depression, loss of interest, rage, irritability, humiliation and anxiety.
And there are the history facts. Family history of suicide, family history of mental health conditions, previous suicide attempt's and childhood abuse.
If I only knew all of this when my husband and brother took their lives, maybe I could have done something to help.
No matter what, I will for the rest of my life be riddled with guilt. I know it wasn't my fault, but some things just can't be understood by others until they've walked in my shoes.
For the first time in 4 years, 2 months and 22 days, I went 2 days without crying. Crying for that long really makes you age and takes a lot on your body and your soul.
The only thing that keeps me going, are my grandkids. When they're here, I'm happy and laughing, but when they leave, I'm so lonely and all alone.
I know some of you think I shouldn't be writing a blog at all, but I really don't care what anyone thinks anymore. You have a choice. You can except me for who I am, or not at all. And do not ever tell my that you understand, because you don't! Unless you've walked in my shoes.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
These past couple of weeks have been hard on me. I don't like it when someone tells me they are tired of hearing the same thing over and over and over and over! I think that's just the wrong thing to say to someone who is still grieving. It really hurt my feelings too.
I've said this before, no two people grieve a like. Some can grieve and come to grips with it a lot sooner than others. But I've had so much death in my life, that it just gets harder.
When you lose someone from sickness, the grief is so much more different than losing someone to suicide. And I've lost two.
I know it's been 4 years, 2 months and 7 days since that tragic day when I found my dear husband of 29 + years hanging. I didn't even try to get him down. I have been riddled with guilt and I have cried every single day since I found him. I will always carry guilt until the day that I die.
I wrote a song about my sweet Dale. I've only let 3 people read the lyrics. I don't have music to it yet. I been told it was good and unique.
I've written to John Lloyd Young, Erich Bergen, Colton Dixon (I think that's his name) and Ellen Degenerous. (Not sure if I spelled her last name right.) I did hear back from the woman who runs John Lloyd Young's web page. She says he reads it but doesn't write back. I'm not giving up!!
It's a song about Love and Suicide.
Please forgive me if I have repeated anything, but that's part of grieving, so I've been told.
There are a few who still blame me and I know who you are! Then there are those who say all the wrong things or just completely avoid me.
I don't know why God took my only sibling/brother and the only husband I ever had. I don't know why He took my mother when I was 11 and my grandmother when I was 15. The courts had just given her custody of me, but I never got to go live with her, she died. I hope they are in Heaven and are watching over me, along with the rest of my family. I've so many.
Until next time....
I've said this before, no two people grieve a like. Some can grieve and come to grips with it a lot sooner than others. But I've had so much death in my life, that it just gets harder.
When you lose someone from sickness, the grief is so much more different than losing someone to suicide. And I've lost two.
I know it's been 4 years, 2 months and 7 days since that tragic day when I found my dear husband of 29 + years hanging. I didn't even try to get him down. I have been riddled with guilt and I have cried every single day since I found him. I will always carry guilt until the day that I die.
I wrote a song about my sweet Dale. I've only let 3 people read the lyrics. I don't have music to it yet. I been told it was good and unique.
I've written to John Lloyd Young, Erich Bergen, Colton Dixon (I think that's his name) and Ellen Degenerous. (Not sure if I spelled her last name right.) I did hear back from the woman who runs John Lloyd Young's web page. She says he reads it but doesn't write back. I'm not giving up!!
It's a song about Love and Suicide.
Please forgive me if I have repeated anything, but that's part of grieving, so I've been told.
There are a few who still blame me and I know who you are! Then there are those who say all the wrong things or just completely avoid me.
I don't know why God took my only sibling/brother and the only husband I ever had. I don't know why He took my mother when I was 11 and my grandmother when I was 15. The courts had just given her custody of me, but I never got to go live with her, she died. I hope they are in Heaven and are watching over me, along with the rest of my family. I've so many.
Until next time....
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Another bad day
The other day I wrote an email to a friend of mine. It was the day after my beloved brother's birthday. I had been crying off and on the entire day. The email was a little long. When my friend wrote me back, the last thing my friend wrote was, "Put your big girl panties on." When I saw that, I really broke down and cried so hard. Just those few words hurt me so bad. I know my friend didn't deliberately hurt my feelings, it's just this friend is blind to those who grieve. It's like a stab in the heart!
Words can hurt so deep and sometimes you can never forget what others have said to you.
I know that some don't know what to say, so they say nothing and they stay away from you. I can't stand it when people ignore me because of my grief. Grief forces you to see those who don't really love you.
Grief found me at such an early age, beginning at 6 years old. Grief is torture. Grief will never end, it's the price we pay for loving someone.
I'm a depressed widow without a character flaw, the creepy monster that lives within me is depression!
Never hold back the words you need to say, like I do. You never know when it's your loved ones last day.
I don't know why love brings so much misery and pain every day. There are so many tears that he can never wipe away
When something comes to my mind, I just jot it down in a journal I have. I hope to write a book about suicide. I've also written some lyrics for a song. I've never wrote a song before but one of my dreams is for the song to be sung by someone we all know. If it could help just one person to stop and not take their own life, it all would be worth it.
Until next time...
Words can hurt so deep and sometimes you can never forget what others have said to you.
I know that some don't know what to say, so they say nothing and they stay away from you. I can't stand it when people ignore me because of my grief. Grief forces you to see those who don't really love you.
Grief found me at such an early age, beginning at 6 years old. Grief is torture. Grief will never end, it's the price we pay for loving someone.
I'm a depressed widow without a character flaw, the creepy monster that lives within me is depression!
Never hold back the words you need to say, like I do. You never know when it's your loved ones last day.
I don't know why love brings so much misery and pain every day. There are so many tears that he can never wipe away
When something comes to my mind, I just jot it down in a journal I have. I hope to write a book about suicide. I've also written some lyrics for a song. I've never wrote a song before but one of my dreams is for the song to be sung by someone we all know. If it could help just one person to stop and not take their own life, it all would be worth it.
Until next time...
Friday, June 12, 2015
A Poem for my Brother, Michael
MICHAEL
June 13, 1956-January 1, 1998
In loving memory of my brother, David Michael Winchester
My brother died the other day,
He took his own life.
I don't understand, Lord,
The choice he made wasn't right.
I'll never see his blue eyes again,
I'll never see him cry.
I'll never hear his laughter,
I never got to say good-bye.
Until my life comes to an end,
Only then will I see him again.
He's now where he's never been,
At a resting place called God's Inn.
Someday I'll be with him again,
In Heaven and not on Earth.
He never got his troubles mended,
Because of all the suffering, pain, and hurt!
Copyright-1998
By Sherrydawn Winchester Wade
Saturday, June 6, 2015
I should of, could of, would of, etc,.
I've heard all about the could of, would of, should of, etc.,. But until the day I die I will always believe that if I had only gotten up when I woke up the first time, I may have been able to save him. I knew in my heart, my gut, that something wasn't right. But I just rolled over and went back to sleep.
When I woke up the second time, I felt the same. I knew in my heart and in my gut that something wasn't right. I was scared and the only thing I knew was to call my daughter.
When I opened the door to the shop, and found him hanging, I was shocked to say the least. Later I got the photos from the police. I couldn't help but wander if what I saw was really what I saw, and it wasn't.
I'll be riddled with guilt until the day that I die. One reason is because I didn't even try to get him down. Even after four years I ask myself, why didn't I try to get him down? Maybe if I had of tried, he'd still be here. Why didn't I get up when I first woke up, knowing in my heart that something wasn't right?
Maybe God will give me the answers one day.
I'm sorry if I have repeated anything in my blog. I suppose that's just something that happens when you grieve. I really wish he was here with me.
I also wish my brother was here with me. But he too committed suicide! He just did it a different way and I wasn't the one who found him. But I knew he was going to do it the very day he did. He had pushed me out of my life. The last year of his life, he would call me and we'd talk. We also talked online quite a bit. When we talked on the phone he constantly talked about the past and asked me so many questions. He knew what happened to me, but I guess he needed to be sure.
I was the only one he didn't go to and ask to borrow money. We could have loaned him some money, but instead, we paid for his funeral.
If there is anyone out there that is reading my blog, please know that suicide in NOT an answer for your problems. The people left behind hurt far more worse than you and they hurt for so much longer than you.
Your problems are only temporary. They are not permanent. But when things don't go the way you think they should in a certain amount of time, the person usually will give up. They aren't thinking about the ones they love and the ones who love them so much.
Because of my only sibling's suicide and the only husband I ever had, suicide, I live in pain every day and I pray that one day I can learn to let go.
If your even thinking of suicide, please don't do it. The pain for those who you leave behind, will live in pain for many years, even until the day they die. And the one who commits suicide, is out of their pain.
I believe that suicide is the most selfish act that anyone can commit.
Until next time...
When I woke up the second time, I felt the same. I knew in my heart and in my gut that something wasn't right. I was scared and the only thing I knew was to call my daughter.
When I opened the door to the shop, and found him hanging, I was shocked to say the least. Later I got the photos from the police. I couldn't help but wander if what I saw was really what I saw, and it wasn't.
I'll be riddled with guilt until the day that I die. One reason is because I didn't even try to get him down. Even after four years I ask myself, why didn't I try to get him down? Maybe if I had of tried, he'd still be here. Why didn't I get up when I first woke up, knowing in my heart that something wasn't right?
Maybe God will give me the answers one day.
I'm sorry if I have repeated anything in my blog. I suppose that's just something that happens when you grieve. I really wish he was here with me.
I also wish my brother was here with me. But he too committed suicide! He just did it a different way and I wasn't the one who found him. But I knew he was going to do it the very day he did. He had pushed me out of my life. The last year of his life, he would call me and we'd talk. We also talked online quite a bit. When we talked on the phone he constantly talked about the past and asked me so many questions. He knew what happened to me, but I guess he needed to be sure.
I was the only one he didn't go to and ask to borrow money. We could have loaned him some money, but instead, we paid for his funeral.
If there is anyone out there that is reading my blog, please know that suicide in NOT an answer for your problems. The people left behind hurt far more worse than you and they hurt for so much longer than you.
Your problems are only temporary. They are not permanent. But when things don't go the way you think they should in a certain amount of time, the person usually will give up. They aren't thinking about the ones they love and the ones who love them so much.
Because of my only sibling's suicide and the only husband I ever had, suicide, I live in pain every day and I pray that one day I can learn to let go.
If your even thinking of suicide, please don't do it. The pain for those who you leave behind, will live in pain for many years, even until the day they die. And the one who commits suicide, is out of their pain.
I believe that suicide is the most selfish act that anyone can commit.
Until next time...
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