A Poem for my Brother, Michael

                                                                    MICHAEL

 

                                                     June 13, 1956-January 1, 1998

 

                                 In loving memory of my brother, David Michael Winchester

 

 

My brother died the other day,

He took his own life.

I don't understand, Lord,

The choice he made wasn't right.

 

I'll never see his blue eyes again,

I'll never see him cry.

I'll never hear his laughter,

I never got to say good-bye.

 

Until my life comes to an end,

Only then will I see him again.

He's now where he's never been,

At a resting place called God's Inn.

 

Someday I'll be with him again,

In Heaven and not on Earth.

He never got his troubles mended,

Because of all the suffering, pain, and hurt!

 

Copyright-1998

 

By Sherrydawn Winchester Wade

I should of, could of, would of, etc,.

I've heard all about the could of, would of, should of, etc.,.  But until the day I die I will always believe that if I had only gotten up when I woke up the first time, I may have been able to save him.  I knew in my heart, my gut, that something wasn't right. But I just rolled over and went back to sleep.

When I woke up the second time, I felt the same. I knew in my heart and in my gut that something wasn't right.   I was scared and the only thing I knew was to call my daughter.

When I opened the door to the shop, and found him hanging, I was shocked to say the least. Later I got the photos from the police. I couldn't help but wander if what I saw was really what I saw, and it wasn't.

I'll be riddled with guilt until the day that I die. One reason is because I didn't even try to get him down. Even after four years I ask myself, why didn't I try to get him down?  Maybe if I had of tried, he'd still be here. Why didn't I get up when I first woke up, knowing in my heart that something wasn't right?

Maybe God will give me the answers one day.

I'm sorry if I have repeated anything in my blog. I suppose that's just something that happens when you grieve. I really wish he was here with me.

I also wish my brother was here with me. But he too committed suicide! He just did it a different way and I wasn't the one who found him. But I knew he was going to do it the very day he did.  He had pushed me out of my life. The last year of his life, he would call me and we'd talk. We also talked online quite a bit. When we talked on the phone he constantly talked about the past and asked me so many questions.  He knew what happened to me, but I guess he needed to be sure.

I was the only one he didn't go to and ask to borrow money. We could have loaned him some money, but instead, we paid for his funeral.

If there is anyone out there that is reading my blog, please know that suicide in NOT an answer for your problems. The  people left behind hurt far more worse than you and they hurt for so much longer than you. 

Your problems are only temporary. They are not permanent. But when things don't go the way you think they should in a certain amount of time, the person usually will give up. They aren't thinking about the ones they love and the ones who love them so much. 

Because of my only sibling's suicide and the only husband I ever had, suicide, I live in pain every day and I pray that one day I can learn to let go. 

If your even thinking of suicide, please don't do it. The pain for those who you leave behind, will live in pain for many years, even until the day they die. And the one who commits suicide, is out of their pain.    

I believe that suicide is the most selfish act that anyone can commit. 

Until next time...             

Thoughts...

Today is Memorial Day weekend and I'm thinking of the members of my family that served, past and present.

My only two Uncles served in the Navy. My Uncle Lynn died from Aids in 1992, just a day after my daughter turned 8 years old.  I don't know how long he served. 

 My Uncle Papa is still living. He too served in the Navy. I don't know how long he served.

 My Dad, James Leroy Thompson, also served in the Navy and Naval Reserve for 12 years. He served in Vietnam patrolling rivers.  He worked in law enforcement as a deputy for the sheriff's offices in Newton and DeKalb counties and as an officer for the Porterdale Police Department.  He passed away on December 20, 2000, due to complications of diabetes.

I had a step father that served in the Air Force and Air Force reserves. He passed away at the age of 80.

I have friends that have children who have served and some are still serving our country.

I thank you all for fighting for this country!!

Until next time, with more thoughts...

Missing you today

Have you every loved someone so passionately, that when they're gone, you feel as if you can never let go?  I'm not sure that I can.  I loved him so very much.

I know he loved me in his own way, but I loved him more than life itself. I worshiped the ground he stood on. Why did he leave me? Why didn't he stay?

There isn't anything that I can do or say to bring him back to me.

Sometimes I feel like someone took a razor and cut my heart into so many pieces, like confetti. There's not enough thread in the world to mend it back.

I'll never be able to hold him in my arms again. I'll never be able to kiss his soft lips.  I'll never be able to hold his beautiful hands again. I'll never hear him laugh.

My heart aches with pain. My heart just breaks. Oh God, why did you let him do this?

We made a beautiful child together. You left her. She gave us 4 beautiful grand sons. You left them! You left me! You left everyone who loved you!

I don't know how to live without you. My life as it was with you, will never be the same again.  And right now, I really hate my life.

I really don't know how to live without you, but I'm trying. You never leave my mind, not ever.  The images of when I last saw you have been branded on my brain.

I miss you so much!

A wonderful day!

I didn't get much sleep last night. I had my 4 grandsons with me. My SIL was still in ICU and my daughter sounded so very tired over the phone. She stayed by his side and only left to go home to get a shower, change clothes and grab some clothes for the boys. She's like her father. As many times as I've been in the hospital, my husband stayed with me over night, most nights. He'd hold my hand with they put the IV's in. Once I had to have a main line and that hurts! I nearly broke his hand from holding on so tight. He had to have loved me a lot to stay so many times as he did. And I loved him for it.

My husband was a great man! But now that I've had 4 years to think about a lot of things, I think when he found his mother dead from suicide, at the age of 8 years old, it did something to him. He was the oldest of three. So there really is 3 suicides in my family. My daughter has it on both sides of her parents and that really hurts me. Her grandmother that she never got to meet, her uncle, that she  does remember and her daddy that she'll never forget.

Memories rained in my brain as I lay in bed tossing and turning, last night.  So many flash backs came to me. I didn't get to sleep until around 4:00 am.

I still dream of my husband and sometimes my brother.  The pain I feel over all the losses I've had in my life, are so painful, that there isn't any words to describe it.

Today is a happy day!!  My SIL was released from ICU and sent home. When they came to pick up the boys, I brought him a sprite zero and hugged him and told him that I loved him. We've had our differences, but when it comes to nearly losing your life, all the differences in the world just doesn't matter any more.  He makes my daughter happy and that's all that matter's to me. The love between my daughter and him, is like a love that I've never seen in them before, until now.
 
It's beautiful outside! I can still smell the fresh cut grass.

I have realized that my life is worth living. I have dreams, that I hope come true one day. Some of my dreams are to get my book of poetry that I wrote published. I want a song taken from this journal, written and sang by one of my most favorite singer's.  I want my piano tuned, but a new one would be great! But that will never happen. I want to learn how to play the guitar. I want to write a book about my life. My brother wanted that for me. He said I should do it. Even my Doctor said I should,  but I'm not a writer as you can see if you've read my entire blog. It needs to be edited. I want to learn sign language and learn to speak Spanish.  But these are just dreams that probably will never come true for me.  


I have loved music every since I can remember. I love all kinds of music, except for just a few. I used to put 5 CD's in the player, and sing in the microphone that was hooked up to my brother's amp. My husband would say, "Don't sing that song, sing this one." And he'd pick them out.  He said I can only sing certain songs. :) My daughter says the same thing. :-)

I love to read and have ever since I was a very small child. At bedtime, I don't ever remember my mother reading to me, I would lay in bed and read myself. I love reading to this day. I have finally been able to pick up a book and read now. I read my Bible, but I've not been able to read a book since my dear sweet husband left this world.

I never did get to move into the apartment. The stairs was too much for me and it reeked with the smell of cigarettes. Guess I'm not crazy after all! LOL I can't stand the smell. Makes me gag and sometimes sets off my Asthma.

I thank God and all my friends that prayed for my SIL today. It just wasn't his time.

Until next time...

Another New Day

Today is another new day! It's beautiful out today. The sun is shining upon us, the grass is green and there is a gentle breeze through the air.

My SIL is in ICU. My daughter brought him in just in time. He was in DKA. (Diabetic Ketoacidosis). DKA is very dangerous! It can kill you. He's going to make it. Thank God for that! It's a good thing she was there with him. We would have lost him if she wasn't.

I've realized that life is worth living!  I need to get back into the things I love to do, which is my art work, and playing my piano!  My piano needs tuning really bad! It sounds terrible right now.

My journey isn't over yet, but I know that I'm now getting better. I just have my bad days and my good days.

I'll never give up like my only brother and my only husband I ever had, did. I pray that I'll never loose another loved one by suicide.

The suicide of my husband was the greatest loss of all. I loved him more than words can say. I loved him more than all the stars in Heaven, more than all the waves of the ocean.

Until next time...

On April 21, 2015 was the 4 year anniversary death date of my husband. I miss him dearly and I still ask myself, why? Why didn't I get up when I first woke up? Why did he make a pot of coffee that morning and not drink any? Why didn't he leave me a note? Why didn't I try and get him down?  I'm riddled with guilt, but I do know that it was his decision. 

I often wander if I will ever love again. I will never marry again. I'm 99.9 % sure on that. Will I ever meet someone to love me for who I am? I don't know. Four years seems like a long time, but it's really not long at all.

April and December are the hardest months of the year for me. After the 21st of April I'm okay, sort of.  I've shed so many tears for that man, enough to fill up every ocean there is. 

There are times when I feel suicidal myself. But I know that would not be the right decision. As a friend of mine said, my grandchildren would miss me and be angry at me. Sam, (Sam's my dog) would be homeless and no one would find me for at least a week and by then the rats and mice would eat me! I just can't take my own life. I know how much I hurt and I can't do that to my grand kids or my daughter.  I just have to keep going.

I think that I'm fighting a battle inside me, trying not to 'let go.' That's the hardest part of all...