A wonderful day!

I didn't get much sleep last night. I had my 4 grandsons with me. My SIL was still in ICU and my daughter sounded so very tired over the phone. She stayed by his side and only left to go home to get a shower, change clothes and grab some clothes for the boys. She's like her father. As many times as I've been in the hospital, my husband stayed with me over night, most nights. He'd hold my hand with they put the IV's in. Once I had to have a main line and that hurts! I nearly broke his hand from holding on so tight. He had to have loved me a lot to stay so many times as he did. And I loved him for it.

My husband was a great man! But now that I've had 4 years to think about a lot of things, I think when he found his mother dead from suicide, at the age of 8 years old, it did something to him. He was the oldest of three. So there really is 3 suicides in my family. My daughter has it on both sides of her parents and that really hurts me. Her grandmother that she never got to meet, her uncle, that she  does remember and her daddy that she'll never forget.

Memories rained in my brain as I lay in bed tossing and turning, last night.  So many flash backs came to me. I didn't get to sleep until around 4:00 am.

I still dream of my husband and sometimes my brother.  The pain I feel over all the losses I've had in my life, are so painful, that there isn't any words to describe it.

Today is a happy day!!  My SIL was released from ICU and sent home. When they came to pick up the boys, I brought him a sprite zero and hugged him and told him that I loved him. We've had our differences, but when it comes to nearly losing your life, all the differences in the world just doesn't matter any more.  He makes my daughter happy and that's all that matter's to me. The love between my daughter and him, is like a love that I've never seen in them before, until now.
 
It's beautiful outside! I can still smell the fresh cut grass.

I have realized that my life is worth living. I have dreams, that I hope come true one day. Some of my dreams are to get my book of poetry that I wrote published. I want a song taken from this journal, written and sang by one of my most favorite singer's.  I want my piano tuned, but a new one would be great! But that will never happen. I want to learn how to play the guitar. I want to write a book about my life. My brother wanted that for me. He said I should do it. Even my Doctor said I should,  but I'm not a writer as you can see if you've read my entire blog. It needs to be edited. I want to learn sign language and learn to speak Spanish.  But these are just dreams that probably will never come true for me.  


I have loved music every since I can remember. I love all kinds of music, except for just a few. I used to put 5 CD's in the player, and sing in the microphone that was hooked up to my brother's amp. My husband would say, "Don't sing that song, sing this one." And he'd pick them out.  He said I can only sing certain songs. :) My daughter says the same thing. :-)

I love to read and have ever since I was a very small child. At bedtime, I don't ever remember my mother reading to me, I would lay in bed and read myself. I love reading to this day. I have finally been able to pick up a book and read now. I read my Bible, but I've not been able to read a book since my dear sweet husband left this world.

I never did get to move into the apartment. The stairs was too much for me and it reeked with the smell of cigarettes. Guess I'm not crazy after all! LOL I can't stand the smell. Makes me gag and sometimes sets off my Asthma.

I thank God and all my friends that prayed for my SIL today. It just wasn't his time.

Until next time...

Another New Day

Today is another new day! It's beautiful out today. The sun is shining upon us, the grass is green and there is a gentle breeze through the air.

My SIL is in ICU. My daughter brought him in just in time. He was in DKA. (Diabetic Ketoacidosis). DKA is very dangerous! It can kill you. He's going to make it. Thank God for that! It's a good thing she was there with him. We would have lost him if she wasn't.

I've realized that life is worth living!  I need to get back into the things I love to do, which is my art work, and playing my piano!  My piano needs tuning really bad! It sounds terrible right now.

My journey isn't over yet, but I know that I'm now getting better. I just have my bad days and my good days.

I'll never give up like my only brother and my only husband I ever had, did. I pray that I'll never loose another loved one by suicide.

The suicide of my husband was the greatest loss of all. I loved him more than words can say. I loved him more than all the stars in Heaven, more than all the waves of the ocean.

Until next time...

On April 21, 2015 was the 4 year anniversary death date of my husband. I miss him dearly and I still ask myself, why? Why didn't I get up when I first woke up? Why did he make a pot of coffee that morning and not drink any? Why didn't he leave me a note? Why didn't I try and get him down?  I'm riddled with guilt, but I do know that it was his decision. 

I often wander if I will ever love again. I will never marry again. I'm 99.9 % sure on that. Will I ever meet someone to love me for who I am? I don't know. Four years seems like a long time, but it's really not long at all.

April and December are the hardest months of the year for me. After the 21st of April I'm okay, sort of.  I've shed so many tears for that man, enough to fill up every ocean there is. 

There are times when I feel suicidal myself. But I know that would not be the right decision. As a friend of mine said, my grandchildren would miss me and be angry at me. Sam, (Sam's my dog) would be homeless and no one would find me for at least a week and by then the rats and mice would eat me! I just can't take my own life. I know how much I hurt and I can't do that to my grand kids or my daughter.  I just have to keep going.

I think that I'm fighting a battle inside me, trying not to 'let go.' That's the hardest part of all...

April 1, 2015

Today is the 1st of April, 2015. 

I now know all too well about deep depression. It's when you have lost all hope and can't see beyond the moment your in. You feel absolutely hopeless, as if there is no tomorrow.

My journey through grief has really been a hard one. I'm a diabetic and decided to stop my insulin. I knew it would eventually take me out of this world. I had hit rock bottom!

I confided in two of my dear friends. And together they helped me realized that things do get better.

I've been renting a house for 2 years and have tried and tried to tell my landlord that they have mice and rats living in the walls of their house. They told me that it was my responsibility. Pest control is one thing, but when they live in the walls of your house, now that's another. For 2 years I've been hearing them. I've seen a grown rat, a baby rat and two mice in the kitchen. And then they leave a trail of droppings. Did you know that when  mouse runs, it pees? I couldn't figure out what the smell was.  I kept telling my daughter that it smelled like pee in my kitchen. I always wipe down my counters with Clorox wipes. But I still smelled pee every time I'd go into my kitchen!  All I wanted to do was move, but I didn't have moving money. My two dear friends have helped me so that I can move. I call them and a couple other of my friends, Angels on Earth!

I went by myself, found an apartment and filled out an application. I just knew in my heart that I wouldn't be approved. I finally got a call and I was approved!!! I can't believe it, I had done something all by myself!

I know this will sound so very crazy, but crazy I'm not. My husband took his life nearly 4 years ago. Fours years on April 21, 2015. When I went too see the town home, as soon as the door was opened I smelled the smell of cigarettes. Then it went away completely. That's not the first time this has happened since my husband left this world. It hasn't happened but just a few times. Sounds strange, I know. I've heard other stories from other people who have lost their loved one. My husband smoked. He never did quit, never even tried.

If it wasn't for my dear friends, I honestly don't think I'd be here right now.

Just when you think there is no hope, I was lucky to have someone to lift me up. I thank God and I thank my friends! They know who they are!

I've climbed another step to get to the top of the mountain and I have to keep going. I have a daughter, grandchildren and my friends to keep me climbing that mountain!

A New Year

A new year....a new beginning....a new me.

I'm going to try hard to "let go" of my dear husband. It's been a long hard road to walk, since the day he left me. I still have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and depression.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. The tears are less than they were, but I still cry for him, just not every single day like I used to. 

I have my faith in the Lord that He will show me the way. He has carried me through all of this.

I have friends that helped me along the way. A few friends helped me by letting me live with them for a short while. Thanks to them and the good Lord, I was never homeless, which was one of my greatest fears. There is one very dear friend, that is close to my heart that helped me pay for my meds and other things that I needed. I will be forever grateful to her. I've known her since I was 5 years old.
I also have a dear online friend that wouldn't give up on me. She would talk to me and it took a while before some of what she was saying sunk in. I have a lot of online friends that helped me. I'm very blessed to have all of my "sister" friends!

I didn't realize how much it costs just to live. There is rent, utilities, food, gas for my Durango and the upkeep for it. And then there is my medicines. I'm on Medicare, but I pay way to much out of pocket expenses. Living on Widow's Disability Social Security isn't easy.

I've been thinking that I might take a painting class at Michael's. If not painting, I'd like to take a fun class of something. I have my sewing, crazy quilting and scrap booking to do. It's really been hard to get back into the things I love to do and used to do every single day.

I've been struggling about moving back home or staying here. If I move back home, I won't see my grand kids but about 3 or 4 times a year. If I stay here, I will get to see them every month. I love them so very much. They are what has kept me going. I'm happy when they are here with me.

I do need to find another house for rent instead of this one. It's not in good shape and my landlord refuses to fix some thing's and take care of some problems with this house. But I thank the Lord  that I have a roof over my head, my bed to sleep in, food to eat (most of the time) heat, air and my dog. His name is Sam.

My journey continues as I try to let go of my husband. He'll always be in my heart forever.

Suicide is a terrible thing and it's the most selfish act. I've lost two in my family to suicide. We just don't know what is in their mind when they take their own life. I know some of the reasons as to why my only sibling, my brother and my dear husband committed suicide. We all need to learn the signs. Sometimes they are very unseen, unheard and sometimes they will make a phone call to a family member and say, "I'm going to kill myself." And they go and kill themselves. 

It rips my heart to shreds, but I've realized that I'm not dead, I'm still alive! So this year, I'm going to try really hard to just get better and better.

Twenty years ago today, I quit smoking! Best thing I ever did. Now I have Asthma and COPD, but mild. I also nearly lost my life. I tried to tell the Doctor and the nurses that I wasn't going to make it. I had passed out, went into shock. When I came to, I told them that I felt like I was dying. That's when they took me serious! My blood count went down to 5.0. My blood pressure was down to 80/44 and dropping. By the time they rushed me into emergency surgery, my blood count had dropped more. I had lost a lot of blood. They gave me 6 units of blood and 2 units of fresh frozen plasma. God was there the entire time. The look on my husbands face, I'll never forget.

Its been 3 years, 4 months and 11 days since I lost the love of my life.

In the past 2 weeks, I've heard about 6 suicides, just in the metro Atlanta area.  People who commit this horrible act are in a lot of pain, either physically or mentally or both. Some leave notes and some don't. Some hide their feelings so well, that even the person that is the closest to them, cannot see the signs. I wish I could have seen the signs with my husband. I knew something wasn't right but just thought he was depressed because his business went down. He refused to shut it down. He refused to get another job. He stopped getting his unemployment and refused to go apply anymore.

The ones left behind are in so much pain, that I don't have the words to describe it. I lost the two men in my life that I loved the most to suicide. My only sibling, my older brother and my husband of 30 years.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of them. I still cry to this day for both of them. Every time I write in my blog, I have tears strolling down my face.

My brother has been gone since 1-1-98. I still haven't fully gotten over his death.

I'd just like to be happy again!  I can laugh now, so that's a good thing! But my life now as I know it, is so very lonely and I'm all alone.

I've been living by myself since March of 2013. It's hard but I'm making it.

I wish there was a way that we could all learn all the signs leading up to someone taking their own life.

Until next time...

Today is Mother's Day, May 10, 2014.  I'm not exactly sure, but I think my dearest grandmother died on Mother's Day. She was just a few years older than I am now. Too young to go. So was my mom. She passed away on April 6, 1971.  I found out that I was wrong about her birth date (year) It was 1937 when she was born. She was only 33 years old.  I miss them both dearly!

Happy Mother's Day to both of them. May they rest in peace.

I cannot believe that it's been 3 long years of the most , miserable, excruciating  painful, lonely  and the darkest day's of my life, since the tragic day I found my husband hanging. We were married for over 29 years and together for 30.

I do have some good day's but mostly bad day's. I'm so tired of having the dreams and night mares that I've had since he left this world.  I just wish they would go away!! I have a lot of flash backs of that day and the night before. I dreamed last night that we went bankrupt but couldn't find a house for rent. So he got a motel room which was very small but the motel/hotel was the tallest one. They decided to tear down the hotel but not before telling him that he was $30 thousand in debt. In my dream he stayed and died when the motel/hotel went down. There are so many ways of suicide, even in your dreams.

I'm tired of people telling me to move one, get a life, get out of the house and do something. That's so easy for someone to say who hasn't been through what I've been through. What I'm still going through.  I keep my youngest grand son while his parents go to work. I really do love it, but it's very hard to do. When school is out, I have more grand kids to keep, but sometimes I just want to lay on the sofa, be by myself and watch TV, play pc games and do a lot of crying.

I don't even get dressed on many days. No one is coming over except the boys so I figure, what's the point and I like my pajamas! Plus, I don't know anyone down here. I know the name of 2 neighbors and that's it.

My sweet daughter told me to get in the Durango and drive around. What's the point of just driving around and wasting gas? Not to mention getting lost and being alone. :-)

I hate living here, but I love my daughter and grand kids. They are what keeps my going.

I thank the Lord I have them. I also thank the Lord that I have a roof over my head, heat to keep me warm, cool air so I won't get too hot, food on the table, clothes on my back and more!  But I hate being so alone and so lonely.  I can't stand having the bad dreams about him.

So many questions go through my mind and none can be answered. Sometimes I hate him for what he did and then I fill guilty for that. He was a good man, but he hurt me and a lot of other people. I'm tired of feeling so much guilt!

I love you Dale and I always have and I always will.

May he rest in peace!