On April 21, 2015 was the 4 year anniversary death date of my husband. I miss him dearly and I still ask myself, why? Why didn't I get up when I first woke up? Why did he make a pot of coffee that morning and not drink any? Why didn't he leave me a note? Why didn't I try and get him down?  I'm riddled with guilt, but I do know that it was his decision. 

I often wander if I will ever love again. I will never marry again. I'm 99.9 % sure on that. Will I ever meet someone to love me for who I am? I don't know. Four years seems like a long time, but it's really not long at all.

April and December are the hardest months of the year for me. After the 21st of April I'm okay, sort of.  I've shed so many tears for that man, enough to fill up every ocean there is. 

There are times when I feel suicidal myself. But I know that would not be the right decision. As a friend of mine said, my grandchildren would miss me and be angry at me. Sam, (Sam's my dog) would be homeless and no one would find me for at least a week and by then the rats and mice would eat me! I just can't take my own life. I know how much I hurt and I can't do that to my grand kids or my daughter.  I just have to keep going.

I think that I'm fighting a battle inside me, trying not to 'let go.' That's the hardest part of all...

April 1, 2015

Today is the 1st of April, 2015. 

I now know all too well about deep depression. It's when you have lost all hope and can't see beyond the moment your in. You feel absolutely hopeless, as if there is no tomorrow.

My journey through grief has really been a hard one. I'm a diabetic and decided to stop my insulin. I knew it would eventually take me out of this world. I had hit rock bottom!

I confided in two of my dear friends. And together they helped me realized that things do get better.

I've been renting a house for 2 years and have tried and tried to tell my landlord that they have mice and rats living in the walls of their house. They told me that it was my responsibility. Pest control is one thing, but when they live in the walls of your house, now that's another. For 2 years I've been hearing them. I've seen a grown rat, a baby rat and two mice in the kitchen. And then they leave a trail of droppings. Did you know that when  mouse runs, it pees? I couldn't figure out what the smell was.  I kept telling my daughter that it smelled like pee in my kitchen. I always wipe down my counters with Clorox wipes. But I still smelled pee every time I'd go into my kitchen!  All I wanted to do was move, but I didn't have moving money. My two dear friends have helped me so that I can move. I call them and a couple other of my friends, Angels on Earth!

I went by myself, found an apartment and filled out an application. I just knew in my heart that I wouldn't be approved. I finally got a call and I was approved!!! I can't believe it, I had done something all by myself!

I know this will sound so very crazy, but crazy I'm not. My husband took his life nearly 4 years ago. Fours years on April 21, 2015. When I went too see the town home, as soon as the door was opened I smelled the smell of cigarettes. Then it went away completely. That's not the first time this has happened since my husband left this world. It hasn't happened but just a few times. Sounds strange, I know. I've heard other stories from other people who have lost their loved one. My husband smoked. He never did quit, never even tried.

If it wasn't for my dear friends, I honestly don't think I'd be here right now.

Just when you think there is no hope, I was lucky to have someone to lift me up. I thank God and I thank my friends! They know who they are!

I've climbed another step to get to the top of the mountain and I have to keep going. I have a daughter, grandchildren and my friends to keep me climbing that mountain!

A New Year

A new year....a new beginning....a new me.

I'm going to try hard to "let go" of my dear husband. It's been a long hard road to walk, since the day he left me. I still have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and depression.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. The tears are less than they were, but I still cry for him, just not every single day like I used to. 

I have my faith in the Lord that He will show me the way. He has carried me through all of this.

I have friends that helped me along the way. A few friends helped me by letting me live with them for a short while. Thanks to them and the good Lord, I was never homeless, which was one of my greatest fears. There is one very dear friend, that is close to my heart that helped me pay for my meds and other things that I needed. I will be forever grateful to her. I've known her since I was 5 years old.
I also have a dear online friend that wouldn't give up on me. She would talk to me and it took a while before some of what she was saying sunk in. I have a lot of online friends that helped me. I'm very blessed to have all of my "sister" friends!

I didn't realize how much it costs just to live. There is rent, utilities, food, gas for my Durango and the upkeep for it. And then there is my medicines. I'm on Medicare, but I pay way to much out of pocket expenses. Living on Widow's Disability Social Security isn't easy.

I've been thinking that I might take a painting class at Michael's. If not painting, I'd like to take a fun class of something. I have my sewing, crazy quilting and scrap booking to do. It's really been hard to get back into the things I love to do and used to do every single day.

I've been struggling about moving back home or staying here. If I move back home, I won't see my grand kids but about 3 or 4 times a year. If I stay here, I will get to see them every month. I love them so very much. They are what has kept me going. I'm happy when they are here with me.

I do need to find another house for rent instead of this one. It's not in good shape and my landlord refuses to fix some thing's and take care of some problems with this house. But I thank the Lord  that I have a roof over my head, my bed to sleep in, food to eat (most of the time) heat, air and my dog. His name is Sam.

My journey continues as I try to let go of my husband. He'll always be in my heart forever.

Suicide is a terrible thing and it's the most selfish act. I've lost two in my family to suicide. We just don't know what is in their mind when they take their own life. I know some of the reasons as to why my only sibling, my brother and my dear husband committed suicide. We all need to learn the signs. Sometimes they are very unseen, unheard and sometimes they will make a phone call to a family member and say, "I'm going to kill myself." And they go and kill themselves. 

It rips my heart to shreds, but I've realized that I'm not dead, I'm still alive! So this year, I'm going to try really hard to just get better and better.

Twenty years ago today, I quit smoking! Best thing I ever did. Now I have Asthma and COPD, but mild. I also nearly lost my life. I tried to tell the Doctor and the nurses that I wasn't going to make it. I had passed out, went into shock. When I came to, I told them that I felt like I was dying. That's when they took me serious! My blood count went down to 5.0. My blood pressure was down to 80/44 and dropping. By the time they rushed me into emergency surgery, my blood count had dropped more. I had lost a lot of blood. They gave me 6 units of blood and 2 units of fresh frozen plasma. God was there the entire time. The look on my husbands face, I'll never forget.

Its been 3 years, 4 months and 11 days since I lost the love of my life.

In the past 2 weeks, I've heard about 6 suicides, just in the metro Atlanta area.  People who commit this horrible act are in a lot of pain, either physically or mentally or both. Some leave notes and some don't. Some hide their feelings so well, that even the person that is the closest to them, cannot see the signs. I wish I could have seen the signs with my husband. I knew something wasn't right but just thought he was depressed because his business went down. He refused to shut it down. He refused to get another job. He stopped getting his unemployment and refused to go apply anymore.

The ones left behind are in so much pain, that I don't have the words to describe it. I lost the two men in my life that I loved the most to suicide. My only sibling, my older brother and my husband of 30 years.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of them. I still cry to this day for both of them. Every time I write in my blog, I have tears strolling down my face.

My brother has been gone since 1-1-98. I still haven't fully gotten over his death.

I'd just like to be happy again!  I can laugh now, so that's a good thing! But my life now as I know it, is so very lonely and I'm all alone.

I've been living by myself since March of 2013. It's hard but I'm making it.

I wish there was a way that we could all learn all the signs leading up to someone taking their own life.

Until next time...

Today is Mother's Day, May 10, 2014.  I'm not exactly sure, but I think my dearest grandmother died on Mother's Day. She was just a few years older than I am now. Too young to go. So was my mom. She passed away on April 6, 1971.  I found out that I was wrong about her birth date (year) It was 1937 when she was born. She was only 33 years old.  I miss them both dearly!

Happy Mother's Day to both of them. May they rest in peace.

I cannot believe that it's been 3 long years of the most , miserable, excruciating  painful, lonely  and the darkest day's of my life, since the tragic day I found my husband hanging. We were married for over 29 years and together for 30.

I do have some good day's but mostly bad day's. I'm so tired of having the dreams and night mares that I've had since he left this world.  I just wish they would go away!! I have a lot of flash backs of that day and the night before. I dreamed last night that we went bankrupt but couldn't find a house for rent. So he got a motel room which was very small but the motel/hotel was the tallest one. They decided to tear down the hotel but not before telling him that he was $30 thousand in debt. In my dream he stayed and died when the motel/hotel went down. There are so many ways of suicide, even in your dreams.

I'm tired of people telling me to move one, get a life, get out of the house and do something. That's so easy for someone to say who hasn't been through what I've been through. What I'm still going through.  I keep my youngest grand son while his parents go to work. I really do love it, but it's very hard to do. When school is out, I have more grand kids to keep, but sometimes I just want to lay on the sofa, be by myself and watch TV, play pc games and do a lot of crying.

I don't even get dressed on many days. No one is coming over except the boys so I figure, what's the point and I like my pajamas! Plus, I don't know anyone down here. I know the name of 2 neighbors and that's it.

My sweet daughter told me to get in the Durango and drive around. What's the point of just driving around and wasting gas? Not to mention getting lost and being alone. :-)

I hate living here, but I love my daughter and grand kids. They are what keeps my going.

I thank the Lord I have them. I also thank the Lord that I have a roof over my head, heat to keep me warm, cool air so I won't get too hot, food on the table, clothes on my back and more!  But I hate being so alone and so lonely.  I can't stand having the bad dreams about him.

So many questions go through my mind and none can be answered. Sometimes I hate him for what he did and then I fill guilty for that. He was a good man, but he hurt me and a lot of other people. I'm tired of feeling so much guilt!

I love you Dale and I always have and I always will.

May he rest in peace!

It's been 2 1/2 years today since I found my husband, hanging in his shop. I am better, but I'm still so lost without him.

I miss the hugs he gave me. I miss him holding me in his arms. I miss having dinner with him every night.  I miss his laugh. I miss him calling me after his lunch every day. I miss cutting his hair for him. I cut his hair for 30 years.

When I sit in my living room, I'm all alone. He's not here sitting beside me. I miss his voice. I miss him kissing me when he came home from work.  I just miss every thing about him!

I still carry so much guilt inside. I just cannot seem to "move on" or "let go" of him.  In a way I've moved on, but I know I've not "let go." How can I just let go of someone I loved for 30 years and spent over half my life with?

I'm not a victim.  I'm a survivor as I've always said. But that's just it, I'm only surviving. I'm not living like I should be, just existing.

I put every thing off until the last minute. I've lost interest in every thing I once loved to do.

I don't want to wake up in the mornings. I just want to sleep. I can't do that during the week because I have my 3 year old grandson to keep.

My grand kids are what keeps me going and God too!

God has always been in my life. I still pray and always will. God is amazing too! He found me a place to live when I needed it. I don't know how, but He did. I lost our home that we bought 11 1/2 years ago, after he left. I had to sell most of every thing I had. I was able to keep some things.  I know that material things don't matter, but it's just those little special things that he got just for me that matters. Some of those things I don't have anymore. Some I do. I am grateful to God for what I do have.

After my dear husband left, I stayed with my daughter.  She and her family moved  to Columbus. I was facing either sleeping in my Durango or going to a shelter. Just the word "shelter" gives me chills. At the very last minute a very dear friend of mine let me stay at her house.  I wasn't there long when she had to move. There I was, facing it again and praying that I won't be homeless. And again at the last minute, He found me a place to live. I stayed in a basement of a friend of mine. I had my own bedroom, living room and bath room.

I lived there for a short while. Then I had to move again. I won't give details as to why I had to leave. And again, again, I was facing being homeless. And God found me a place to live right at the last moment. I stayed with her nearly a year. Then I got my Widows Disability Social Security and then I was able to move to Columbus, just so I could be close to my daughter and her family and my grandsons!

My son-n-law found a house for rent for me. I live very close to my daughter and her family now. It's so hard living alone. I hate it! But again, God put a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, food on the table. A place to keep warm when it's cold. A place to keep me cool when it's too hot outside.

If it wasn't for God and some of my friends, I really don't think that I'd be here right now. I do owe every thing to God!!!

I have at times doubted my faith. I just couldn't figure out why God would allow so many tragedies in one persons life!  But I know in my heart that God is watching over me. That is the ONLY way I have survived. 

God also made sure I had the money to get my meds. I have no idea how He did that but He did! I have a few dear friends to thank for that one too, and one friend of mine that I've known since I was 5 years old, helped me get my meds and helped me when my Durango needed work. I had to be able to drive.

I feel like I've put a zipper on my heart and zipped it up so no one can get in.  I don't mean to shut people out, I really don't, but I just do for some reason. At times I don't realize I'm doing that. I do know that I don't want to bring anyone down that I'm around because of my sadness and grief.

I've lost so many of my loved ones. It doesn't get easier and I think losing my husband has been the worst death I've had to deal with.

I still cry quite a bit.  Sometimes I cry out and say, "God, please bring him back to me." But I know that he will never come back.

I feel like I'm still young, although my body doesn't feel like it. LOL

I hope my husband is watching over me along with God. I pray that God will continue to lead me in the right path.

I really miss you, Dale. You were my life, my love. But I'll never completely know why you left me. I wonder if you really loved me at all.

RIP my dear, sweet Dale. I'll always love you and you will live in my heart forever!

Until next time.....

I don't think I've ever been so alone and so lonely in my life! I've been through a lot in my life, but losing my husband the way I did and finding him, has really taken a lot out of me.

I've moved on but I've not let go. It just hurts too bad. I still cry every day, but not as much I used too. Having my little dog, Piper with me does help. She is old, 13 years now, and she doesn't play anymore.

I've been on my own for 6 months now, but I've been with out my husband for just over 2 1/2 years.

There's always the question of why? Why did he do this to himself, to me, to our daughter and our grand kids? I understand some, but not all.

I've learned since my husband left this world that some men out there take advantage of widows. I don't understand that but it really tics me off!

I don't know if I will ever get married again in fear that the man might kill himself and I cannot go through that again. I've had 2 suicides in my family plus my husbands mother took her on life.

I'm tired of being sad and depressed and I'm tired of being lonely.

My daughter told me I need to get out there. I asked, "What do you want me to do, go bar hopping?"  She said go to church. I don't think I'll meet someone there either.

I'm getting better, but it's slow. I still have flash backs of that tragic day and from looking at the pictures, but I guess that will never go away until I do meet someone and fall in love again.

I miss and love him so very much! I can't help but wonder if he really loved me at all. Why would he do this if he did love me?

Until next time....