I have so many things that I am thankful for. But it doesn't take the pain away from my losses. This time of year, every year, I get down and depressed. All I can think of is my late husband. I'll always ask myself, why? Even though I know most of the reasons as to why he took his own life. I know some of the reasons why my only sibling/older brother took his life too. But. I'll never know the full story. I'll never know why my husbands mother took her life. It appears to run in the family.
I used to love Thanksgiving and Christmas and now it's all I can do to get through it. I've been threw so much pain and grief in my life that I often wonder, why would God continue to put me through more.
I know there are some who still blame me. But you can't blame anyone who takes their own life except for the person that took their own life.
I still haven't forgiven myself for my husbands death. I know I did what I could, but I feel like it wasn't enough or he'd be here.
I had someone tell me that "You killed him, It's your fault, You drove him to his death." Those words have been branded on my brain forever. That's the worst thing you can say to someone who has just lost the love of their life from suicide.
All I pray and hope for now is to find someone to love me and someone that I can love back Someone to grow old with. But after 5 1/2 years, I'm not sure if it will ever happen.
If it wasn't for my grandchildren, I'd really be lost. They are what keeps me going. They are the reason for me to have a Happy Thanksgiving and Christmas. But this time of year is always so very hard.
I read something today and I had posted to FB in 2012. It said grieving is like having broken ribs.on the outside you look fine, but with every breath it hurts! I've had a broken rib and 2 100% collapsed lungs and the pain is excruciating. But the pain of grief is far more painful.
