I have so many things that I am thankful for. But it doesn't take the pain away from my losses. This time of year, every year, I get down and depressed. All I can think of is my late husband. I'll always ask myself, why? Even though I know most of the reasons as to why he took his own life. I know some of the reasons why my only sibling/older brother took his life too. But. I'll never know the full story. I'll never know why my husbands mother took her life. It appears to run in the family.
I used to love Thanksgiving and Christmas and now it's all I can do to get through it. I've been threw so much pain and grief in my life that I often wonder, why would God continue to put me through more.
I know there are some who still blame me. But you can't blame anyone who takes their own life except for the person that took their own life.
I still haven't forgiven myself for my husbands death. I know I did what I could, but I feel like it wasn't enough or he'd be here.
I had someone tell me that "You killed him, It's your fault, You drove him to his death." Those words have been branded on my brain forever. That's the worst thing you can say to someone who has just lost the love of their life from suicide.
All I pray and hope for now is to find someone to love me and someone that I can love back Someone to grow old with. But after 5 1/2 years, I'm not sure if it will ever happen.
If it wasn't for my grandchildren, I'd really be lost. They are what keeps me going. They are the reason for me to have a Happy Thanksgiving and Christmas. But this time of year is always so very hard.
I read something today and I had posted to FB in 2012. It said grieving is like having broken ribs.on the outside you look fine, but with every breath it hurts! I've had a broken rib and 2 100% collapsed lungs and the pain is excruciating. But the pain of grief is far more painful.
My Husband
In Memory
Saturday, November 19, 2016
Sunday, July 31, 2016
Moving on
Only time can tell you when to move on. Only time can tell you when to let go. Only time can tell you to stop grieving. But nothing can tell you that your loved one will not live on in your heart, forever. Only Alzheimer's and death can make you forget. The pain will never go away. The images of what I saw will never go away. The images of my husbands death are seared in my mind forever, branded on my brain forever. But I've finally been able to move on.
I can finally laugh again! I can have so much fun with my grandsons.
I am totally and utterly alone. I have Sam. He's my dog and yes I talk to him. :-) Sometimes he'll talk back. If he hears me cry, he'll jump in my lap and love me.
I do hope some day that I can meet someone else to grow old with. Someone to hold me and for me to hold again. Only God knows the answer to that. I've lived on my own now for over 3 years.
It's been a hard long road to travel. I've had my ups and downs. Sometimes the waves come crashing down so hard on you that you just tumble and pray that you'll reach the shore. At least I don't cry as much as I once did. I can go out in public without people staring at me because they can see the pain and sadness on my face and in my eyes.
There are many times when I'll hear something or see something and break down in tears. If what I heard or saw doesn't remind me of my only sibling/big brother, it reminds me of my husband. Both of which I lost to suicide. Suicide doesn't take the pain away, it gives it to the ones that loved you.
I've learned to be thankful for what I have. Life could be so much worse! I can now take care of myself. Sure, it's hard, but I can do it. I get a little help sometimes. I do long for love and companionship. Only time will tell.
I can get back into my work again. It feels good to create and make things for others. I have so much still left to do. So many things that I want to do. So many things that I want to see.
After my brother took his life I found out that he had asked others for help. But he never asked me nor my husband for help. At that time we could have helped him. Instead we paid for his funeral. I did the best that I could to help my husband, but I failed at that. I know now that it was HIS decision and not mine. He wanted to leave this word. Sometimes I think he didn't love me enough to stay. Much less anyone else. I know most of the reasons why he did what he did. But I'll always have unanswered questions. I'll always carry some guilt. Time can't take that away either.
For now, I've moved on and I'll keep moving on. It's a different life now. One that I've never known before. I do hate the position that my husband put me in, but I've accepted it now. I believe that acceptance is part of moving on.
This is by far the hardest and longest road that I've ever had to travel. But that's okay now. People say I'm strong because of what I've been through. I suppose one would have to be to have to endure the pain that I've endured my entire life, in so many different ways. I've been told nearly my entire life that I've been through more than one person should have to go through in a lifetime. I know that God has His reasons. I'll never give up!
Like I said, acceptance is moving on.
I can finally laugh again! I can have so much fun with my grandsons.
I am totally and utterly alone. I have Sam. He's my dog and yes I talk to him. :-) Sometimes he'll talk back. If he hears me cry, he'll jump in my lap and love me.
I do hope some day that I can meet someone else to grow old with. Someone to hold me and for me to hold again. Only God knows the answer to that. I've lived on my own now for over 3 years.
It's been a hard long road to travel. I've had my ups and downs. Sometimes the waves come crashing down so hard on you that you just tumble and pray that you'll reach the shore. At least I don't cry as much as I once did. I can go out in public without people staring at me because they can see the pain and sadness on my face and in my eyes.
There are many times when I'll hear something or see something and break down in tears. If what I heard or saw doesn't remind me of my only sibling/big brother, it reminds me of my husband. Both of which I lost to suicide. Suicide doesn't take the pain away, it gives it to the ones that loved you.
I've learned to be thankful for what I have. Life could be so much worse! I can now take care of myself. Sure, it's hard, but I can do it. I get a little help sometimes. I do long for love and companionship. Only time will tell.
I can get back into my work again. It feels good to create and make things for others. I have so much still left to do. So many things that I want to do. So many things that I want to see.
After my brother took his life I found out that he had asked others for help. But he never asked me nor my husband for help. At that time we could have helped him. Instead we paid for his funeral. I did the best that I could to help my husband, but I failed at that. I know now that it was HIS decision and not mine. He wanted to leave this word. Sometimes I think he didn't love me enough to stay. Much less anyone else. I know most of the reasons why he did what he did. But I'll always have unanswered questions. I'll always carry some guilt. Time can't take that away either.
For now, I've moved on and I'll keep moving on. It's a different life now. One that I've never known before. I do hate the position that my husband put me in, but I've accepted it now. I believe that acceptance is part of moving on.
This is by far the hardest and longest road that I've ever had to travel. But that's okay now. People say I'm strong because of what I've been through. I suppose one would have to be to have to endure the pain that I've endured my entire life, in so many different ways. I've been told nearly my entire life that I've been through more than one person should have to go through in a lifetime. I know that God has His reasons. I'll never give up!
Like I said, acceptance is moving on.
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Five years today
It's been five long years since I lost my husband to suicide. I still miss him. I still love him. I still dream about him often. As time goes on, it has gotten easier. I don't cry as much. But today is his anniversary death and I have cried.
When I went to bed last night, I cried. I'm so tired of being alone. He doesn't come through the door anymore. He doesn't call and check on me anymore. I miss his laughter, his hugs, his funny jokes, I miss his smile and so much more.
He was the love of my life and now he's gone. Gone way too soon. Until the day I die I will carry guilt with me. I will carry him in my heart forever. I carry his memories.
The images of him are seared in my mind and branded on my brain forever!
I also miss my only sibling/my older brother who also took his life. He took his life on January 1, 1998. He too will live in my heart forever.
I just wish that I could have helped them both. But I couldn't. I tried to help my husband, but he just wouldn't listen to me.
My heart aches for both of them. I miss them dearly. May they both RIP with the Lord.
When I went to bed last night, I cried. I'm so tired of being alone. He doesn't come through the door anymore. He doesn't call and check on me anymore. I miss his laughter, his hugs, his funny jokes, I miss his smile and so much more.
He was the love of my life and now he's gone. Gone way too soon. Until the day I die I will carry guilt with me. I will carry him in my heart forever. I carry his memories.
The images of him are seared in my mind and branded on my brain forever!
I also miss my only sibling/my older brother who also took his life. He took his life on January 1, 1998. He too will live in my heart forever.
I just wish that I could have helped them both. But I couldn't. I tried to help my husband, but he just wouldn't listen to me.
My heart aches for both of them. I miss them dearly. May they both RIP with the Lord.
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Time
They say time heals all wounds. I don't believe that and never will. I've lost so many and I'll never forget any of them. There have been several that have been closest to my heart. My husband, my mother, my grandmother, my brother, my aunt. All left this world much too soon.
I was at the Pharmacy the other day, picking up my medication and some how we got to talking and I told her what happened to my husband, his mother and my brother. I can't describe the look on her face, but she looked shocked to say the least. She said to me, "You are a strong person." I said, "That's what people tell me, but I don't see that I'm all that strong."
Sunday I met an insurance agent for new insurance. I told him about my husband, his mother, my brother and a girl friend of mine and how they all took their own lives. He told me how strong I was to have been through all that I have. Of course he knew a lot of the illnesses that I have had to live with since birth as well.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that I have to be a strong person to have to have endured all that I have since birth. It's a lot more that just being sick since I was born. It's more than the suicides of my loved ones. It's more than the losses of my loved ones that died at early ages. It's more than what I can put into words here.
I know that there are times when I think the Lord doesn't hear my prayers. But when I least expect it, the Lord answers a prayer! It always amazes me what the Lord can do when you give it all to Him.
Christmas time is so bitter sweet for me. Last year I spent Christmas day alone. This year I will spend Christmas day alone too. I used to love Christmas time so much! I remember a time when I listened to Christmas songs during the summer. Now, I don't listen to much Christmas music and I have grown to not like Christmas at all. I really hate being alone. But it is what it is.
The pain from suicide cannot be put down in words. I loved my husband so very much, still do, but I hate what he did and I hate the position he left me in. His family have nothing to do with, but they didn't have much to with us before he died anyway.
Time will never heal my pain. I pray that there will never be another suicide in my family again! I've heard suicide runs in families. I pray that isn't true.
I was at the Pharmacy the other day, picking up my medication and some how we got to talking and I told her what happened to my husband, his mother and my brother. I can't describe the look on her face, but she looked shocked to say the least. She said to me, "You are a strong person." I said, "That's what people tell me, but I don't see that I'm all that strong."
Sunday I met an insurance agent for new insurance. I told him about my husband, his mother, my brother and a girl friend of mine and how they all took their own lives. He told me how strong I was to have been through all that I have. Of course he knew a lot of the illnesses that I have had to live with since birth as well.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that I have to be a strong person to have to have endured all that I have since birth. It's a lot more that just being sick since I was born. It's more than the suicides of my loved ones. It's more than the losses of my loved ones that died at early ages. It's more than what I can put into words here.
I know that there are times when I think the Lord doesn't hear my prayers. But when I least expect it, the Lord answers a prayer! It always amazes me what the Lord can do when you give it all to Him.
Christmas time is so bitter sweet for me. Last year I spent Christmas day alone. This year I will spend Christmas day alone too. I used to love Christmas time so much! I remember a time when I listened to Christmas songs during the summer. Now, I don't listen to much Christmas music and I have grown to not like Christmas at all. I really hate being alone. But it is what it is.
The pain from suicide cannot be put down in words. I loved my husband so very much, still do, but I hate what he did and I hate the position he left me in. His family have nothing to do with, but they didn't have much to with us before he died anyway.
Time will never heal my pain. I pray that there will never be another suicide in my family again! I've heard suicide runs in families. I pray that isn't true.
Friday, October 2, 2015
October 2, 2015
Today is October 2, 2015.
I can't figure out if time is passing me by or I'm passing time. It's been over 4 years and 4 months and I'm still having a very hard time trying to let go. I still think that "letting go" is the hardest part for me now.
I've been living on my own for over 2 1/2 years now. It's really hard to live alone, when your a woman. There are just some things I can't do. I have to have a man to do some things. For instance, yesterday when I went out to check the mail, my mail box was literally inches from the ground. I saw my next door neighbor out and asked him if he could fix it. I've been trying to get my landlord to fix it for months but he just hasn't come over to fix a few things. My neighbor fixed my mail box for me and didn't charge me anything. I now have a tall, sturdy mail box.
I miss my husband more than words can say. I can't remember the sound of his voice any more. I can't hear him laugh. I can still see his face though. And those horrible images will be seared in my mind forever. I still dream about him quite a bit, but not as much as I used too.
I have the entire bed to myself now and yet I still sleep on the same side as I always have.
I'm really happy when my grandsons come and spend the night. They are also a big help to me. I go to the grocery store and they carry the bags in the house for me. They help me around the house too. Their good kids!
The holidays are coming up. Before you know it, it will be Thanksgiving again. Then Christmas. I wish I could just disappear on the holidays. I still feel guilty trying to celebrate when he's not here to celebrate them with me. I do hope that this year I can spend it with my daughter and her family. It's supposed to be spent with family. But I don't know what their plans are yet. I've already invited them over and I still haven't gotten a yes or no. So right now I have no idea what I'll be doing.
Dale and I would cook together and had fun. He made great home made macaroni and cheese! He also made the best chili!
Today is about gone and tomorrow will be a new day. I just hope it's a good one!
I can't figure out if time is passing me by or I'm passing time. It's been over 4 years and 4 months and I'm still having a very hard time trying to let go. I still think that "letting go" is the hardest part for me now.
I've been living on my own for over 2 1/2 years now. It's really hard to live alone, when your a woman. There are just some things I can't do. I have to have a man to do some things. For instance, yesterday when I went out to check the mail, my mail box was literally inches from the ground. I saw my next door neighbor out and asked him if he could fix it. I've been trying to get my landlord to fix it for months but he just hasn't come over to fix a few things. My neighbor fixed my mail box for me and didn't charge me anything. I now have a tall, sturdy mail box.
I miss my husband more than words can say. I can't remember the sound of his voice any more. I can't hear him laugh. I can still see his face though. And those horrible images will be seared in my mind forever. I still dream about him quite a bit, but not as much as I used too.
I have the entire bed to myself now and yet I still sleep on the same side as I always have.
I'm really happy when my grandsons come and spend the night. They are also a big help to me. I go to the grocery store and they carry the bags in the house for me. They help me around the house too. Their good kids!
The holidays are coming up. Before you know it, it will be Thanksgiving again. Then Christmas. I wish I could just disappear on the holidays. I still feel guilty trying to celebrate when he's not here to celebrate them with me. I do hope that this year I can spend it with my daughter and her family. It's supposed to be spent with family. But I don't know what their plans are yet. I've already invited them over and I still haven't gotten a yes or no. So right now I have no idea what I'll be doing.
Dale and I would cook together and had fun. He made great home made macaroni and cheese! He also made the best chili!
Today is about gone and tomorrow will be a new day. I just hope it's a good one!
Friday, September 18, 2015
Grand parents day!
Yesterday was grand parents day, where my 4 grandsons go to the same school. What a day it was!
I was really dreading having to go, but I was also excited to go. I'm so glad I went. There was someone missing that I love very much and that was granddaddy! Once I got to the school and went in I waited for Marshall. He's in kindergarten. When I saw his face I was so very happy!! All my fears of Dale just went away. I so much wish he was still here. Marshall gave me the cutest card. It had a little handprint on it with a Hershey's kiss on the hand. Of course I kept it.
Then it was time for recess and he had to go. I give him a hug and a kiss and said good bye.
Then Leo found me and I went through the line again with him. It was so funny because I have 4 kids (all in the same school) Then my Brayden was there but he didn't want me to go in the line with him.
Hunter my oldest grandson saw me and we sat next to each other and I really enjoyed his friends too.
The teachers just had to take my picture with every child! They took one of Leo and Brayden with me and we got photo bombed, twice! LOL I didn't mind at all.
I hate having to try and be grand mom and grand daddy too. It's not easy! Marshall doesn't remember him but I show him pictures and tell the boys all about him. I don't want them to forget him.
This week has gone by fast. I was just happy that I could go see my grandsons and eat with them. The lunch room lady just laughed when she found out I had 4 grand's in the same school. She laughed and I laughed with her!
Over all it was a great day!
Until next time...
I was really dreading having to go, but I was also excited to go. I'm so glad I went. There was someone missing that I love very much and that was granddaddy! Once I got to the school and went in I waited for Marshall. He's in kindergarten. When I saw his face I was so very happy!! All my fears of Dale just went away. I so much wish he was still here. Marshall gave me the cutest card. It had a little handprint on it with a Hershey's kiss on the hand. Of course I kept it.
Then it was time for recess and he had to go. I give him a hug and a kiss and said good bye.
Then Leo found me and I went through the line again with him. It was so funny because I have 4 kids (all in the same school) Then my Brayden was there but he didn't want me to go in the line with him.
Hunter my oldest grandson saw me and we sat next to each other and I really enjoyed his friends too.
The teachers just had to take my picture with every child! They took one of Leo and Brayden with me and we got photo bombed, twice! LOL I didn't mind at all.
I hate having to try and be grand mom and grand daddy too. It's not easy! Marshall doesn't remember him but I show him pictures and tell the boys all about him. I don't want them to forget him.
This week has gone by fast. I was just happy that I could go see my grandsons and eat with them. The lunch room lady just laughed when she found out I had 4 grand's in the same school. She laughed and I laughed with her!
Over all it was a great day!
Until next time...
Friday, August 28, 2015
Still counting...
I still find myself counting the days, month's and years. It's now been 4 years, 4 months and 7 days, since I found my husband.
Many people think that those who take their own life are between the ages of 13-24! That's not true.
My brother was only 41 when he took his life. My husband found his mother dead from suicide when he was 8 years old. The only husband that I ever had took his life when he was 51. I have a few friends that I lost to suicide.
There has to be a way to reach out and help those who are thinking of suicide.
It's been a long hard journey for me and it continues. When will my journey end? I have no idea.
But I'm really sick of being alone and I'm so very lonely.
I still have the could of, should of and would of. Such as if I had only gotten up the first time I woke up, maybe I could have saved him.
To this day there are a few who blame me. My husband took his life. HE made that choice.
He'll live on in my heart forever! I really miss him.
I wrote some lyrics and hoped to find someone to put music to them. So far, I've been ignored, told that I should think of something not so big and that my lyrics weren't lyrics at all, they are poems. But I don't believe that! If I could just fine one person to help put music to my lyrics and someone sing my song, it may help someone out there.
I'm beginning to think that I have the "Impossible" dream.
Many people think that those who take their own life are between the ages of 13-24! That's not true.
My brother was only 41 when he took his life. My husband found his mother dead from suicide when he was 8 years old. The only husband that I ever had took his life when he was 51. I have a few friends that I lost to suicide.
There has to be a way to reach out and help those who are thinking of suicide.
It's been a long hard journey for me and it continues. When will my journey end? I have no idea.
But I'm really sick of being alone and I'm so very lonely.
I still have the could of, should of and would of. Such as if I had only gotten up the first time I woke up, maybe I could have saved him.
To this day there are a few who blame me. My husband took his life. HE made that choice.
He'll live on in my heart forever! I really miss him.
I wrote some lyrics and hoped to find someone to put music to them. So far, I've been ignored, told that I should think of something not so big and that my lyrics weren't lyrics at all, they are poems. But I don't believe that! If I could just fine one person to help put music to my lyrics and someone sing my song, it may help someone out there.
I'm beginning to think that I have the "Impossible" dream.
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